Growing in the Waiting

Bloodwork was bad on Tues - no chemo til next week -  
Side effects hang on - hands and feet feel like I am wearing tight, meshy gloves and socks -- still poor fine motor skills - balance is still a little off and hair continues to thin.  
The doc offered a med to combat the hand/foot thing - I am not excited about taking something else -- there are always more side effects and I am not sure it's worth it...wrestling with that ....


Again, I was surprised to have chemo put off -- I don't feel as bad as my blood looks!  It took a few hours to get over pouting about it.  I had to thank God though-- perhaps He is protecting me from getting really sick, or maybe He is giving me some time to enjoy feeling a bit better.  I have spent that time working in the yard - alternating working and resting - progress is really slow, but the process is good medicine for me--I love gardening and for years have used it as  my "therapy"  -- it is always more fun than house work!   


When I am "playing in the dirt," I spend a lot of time talking to God - maybe it is that the simple task of amending the soil and nurturing the plants reminds me of all the things He gives to me without me having to sweat for it.  (Grocery store vs. plant it, cultivate it, harvest it - and do without it on the off season!)  Anyway, I have spent lots of time thinking about this cancer journey - about trusting when I don't get it.  
Today's devotion from Jesus Calling spoke to me. 


"Isn't it often the same way with you?  You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your  behalf.  This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will.  When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies.  (What a visual!)  You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling: resenting My ways with you.....Choose to trust Me...."


and a few lines from Streams in the Desert -- 
"God allows temptation because it does for us what storms do for oak trees, rooting us deeper and it does for us what heat does for paint on procelain, giving us long-lasting endurance...."


So, when I am bent out of shape that my blood is bad and chemo is postponed - I have to remind myself that everything I have is from God and I really must be crazy/arrogant to question his plan....and to "humble myself before the Lord" James 4:10


Ps 91 has been with me this whole journey --
She who dwells in the shelter of the most high
  will rest in the shadow of the Almighty (as in not work, but "be")
I will say of my Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress
  my God in whom I trust."  
...He will save you from  deadly pestilence....
He will cover you with his feathers 
and under his wings you will fing refuge
His (not my) faithfulness will be your shield and rampart....
...
Because Christine loves me...I will rescue her...
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name...
She will call upon in me, and I will answer her
  I will be with her in trouble....
With long life will I satisfy her
  and show her my  salvation......
        The Christine Moritz translation of the Bible :) Somehow it is so powerful for me to think of 
        God talking to me.


Blessings on your day! Thanks for checkin' in!