Hope and Reality

Good week last week - high energy-living life with gusto 
Working on projects a little at a time
Being social
Walking a little bit more- got 1.75 miles while on my chemo pump -That’s a first!!
Then reality hit-Chemo 23 
Fighting nausea - feeling cold
Hand and foot syndrome acting up-my hands are painfully cracked...
Mouth sores still “brewing” and "blooming" 
Feeling dejected because of whiplash-- feeling almost normal to feeling bad ...got the blues!

Back on low carb diet, per integrative doc, at least for the non chemo weeks - 
   during chemo - he says, “ do what you have to do to stay sane.”'  
   counting carbs is annoying- so many things that are good for you have carbs - 
   like apples, avocados and fruit juice! 50-80 carbs/day is tough to get to! 
Working on the constipation...cramping is so miserable, painful and nauseating

On a good note, my hair is growing back!  enough to get it cut a little bit! And
Todd and I celebrated 36 years of marriage - I am so blessed!

Overall the last 3 - 4 weeks I have felt better than I had in a long time - 
Why is that? Well.....
Before my last PET scan several things happened.  
—I had a phone conference with a Pastor in CT who has a healing ministry.  The details are unimportant, but he talked a great deal about forgiveness - my forgiving others.   We also did some role playing.  He asked about my relationship with my father and I told him it had been rocky, though I knew that my dad had loved me.  In the role playing, he played my father and asked me for forgiveness.  It was quite powerful as I forgave him.  He also gave me home work to do namely to forgive everyone who has wronged me, going back as far as I could remember.  I spent a long time doing this, journaling my forgiveness for all kinds of things - ancient history and current events.   When finished, I did not really think much about it, except to add things as God brought them to mind.
—I also began regularly drinking Pau D’Arco tea which is thought to be very anti carcinogenic in the South American Culture.
---We attended another healing service at our church.—And finally, i began moving/ walking a little bit more-even if just doing projects around the house and gardening.
     And my PET scan said no progression....

More good news - last week I had an appointment with my integrative doc who was delighted with my weight!  He said he was worried I would come in very very thin and he was thrilled that I looked so healthy, with meat on my bones :)  He pointed out that on the PET report it said that my liver tumors were calcifying. That means that my body is fighting the cancer and walling it off from the rest of my body!  That is really good news - that my body is strong enough to fight!  

And more good news - the last two times the oncologist read my bloodwork, my liver levels were normal!!!  They have not been normal in well over a year!  

Jeremiah 17:14 Heal and I will be healed, 
    save me and I will be saved 
    for you are the one that I praise

So - what does all this mean?  Indications are that my body is fighting more successfully than it had before!  In talking to a friend, I said that it was very hard not to get my hopes up that perhaps God is healing me.  Her wise response is that for today he is granting me healing - that day that I spoke with her I was out in the garden planting and watering and having a wonderful time.  That day, I had a measure of healing that allowed me to do that.  

Ever since, I am even more thankful for each day that I feel pretty good.  I am thankful for the healing for that day....
Who knows where this journey will take us...but for each day I am so thankful...
And as I fight getting my hopes up, I remember that each day is a gift, that it is silly to get my hopes up, that God can heal me if it is in his plan. But even if he chooses not to heal me, I will be thankful for each moment I get to live “normally” and currently, my “normal” includes mouth sores, hand cracks and a lot of nausea and cramping!!  but I am here!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Looking forward to next week when it should be better! 
Thanks for your continued prayers and love.  The prayers are making the difference!  Thanks for checkin in’!

A bigger window than you may want!

Chemo 22 has gone fairly smoothly -
Got a blood return on the first try!
Weight steady and appetite fine, tho finiky
Walking is intermittant - accountability needed!
Nausea  is tough- actually vomited-not usual
  (Many cancer patients vomit lots, so I'm blessed)
Drinking continues to be difficult “Hint” water helps - 
   I add it to regular water 
Last round I had wicked mouth sores - on my lips!  
Pleural effusion pain is better
Skin on hands and feet acting up again

As I have been going through the last 2 weeks, there is one tough thing that has been a real unpleasant struggle, that I have not written about too much.  This is titled a bigger window than you may want because this is not “polite” conversation - but it is real life and if you are trying to help someone else, they may be struggling with this, but be too embarrassed to talk about it.  It is a fact of life that when you take lots of medication, particularly pain medication, often (not always- but often) a side effect is constipation. This does not sound like a big deal except if you are a once a day person and you all of a sudden are at 4 days, not only is it uncomfortable, but it can exacerbate the nausea!  Fun times - not!  In an effort to right the situation, one has to resort to all kinds of things from apples, prunes, different kinds of fibers, stool softeners, and laxatives.  Does not sound too bad, except that you have to be careful that the rebound effect does not catch you unawares!!!  For example, lets say you have a series of errands to run....you took 1 stool softener, 5 hours later you took 4 prunes and 2 laxatives.  Just how far away from home are you willing to get?  If it’s been days and days, you may think nothing is going to happen and just gamble — but that is a risk!  Further as the laxatives kick in, they cause cramping that is powerful and painful (for some people) as well as additional waves of nausea, different from the nausea from the chemo.  If you are truly desperate and use an enema, that can cause even harsher cramping and nausea — though there may not be any option other than that!
The reverse problem, diarrhea, is another routine companion to cancer patients who are not on constant pain meds.   If you try to combat that, well the rebound can obviously to throw you into constipation.  During the process tho, it certainly curtails your social life — how people work and do this I do not know!!!  They have my respect!
Why would I share this?  Because no matter which side effect you have, you feel miserable.  The cramping is powerful and intense - miserable is a weak word! You can put a happy face on, but it is difficult to keep up the act!  It’s just easier to stay home alone and hide.  If you are trying to help someone, it may not make much sense to you that they consistently refuse to leave the house, or are crabby or have stomach aches and are more nauseated than usual.  After all, you are just trying to provide them with a break and may not understand that they are too shy (unlike me - hahaha!) to share with you their concern about being caught too far from a bathroom - let alone one that is private enough for their predicament.

Which leads me to another fairly constant companion - pain!  I am blessed that for the most part, the pain is controlled and I do not have problems with it. However, given constipation, all bets are off!  As your body works so hard to clear the clog, it not only cramps hard, but if you have tumors, it presses against the tumors and causes a sharper pain.  Often this pain isn’t controlled by the standard pain killer - I have yet to find something that works — you just have to tough it out...

Another companion which comes and goes is sleeplessness...It’s 3 a.m. and I’ve been awake since 1 praying and saying memory work and thinking of things I should be doing.  Usually the only thing that I do when I cannot sleep is read the bible - but I forgot to post this yesterday and wanted to let you know how I am!  So - back to that window —- sleeplessness leads to foggy thinking, grogginess, lack of energy to do anything.  If your friend is out of it - it could be lack of sleep!  Be understanding - keep visits as short or long as they indicate,  knowing that they may just need to sleep!
Lack of sleeping leads to worrying, because you are just lying there thinking and unless you harness that and pray, it goes to bad thought patterns quickly!  If you have a friend who is fretful or worried, suggest some scripture verses for them.  Some are:
Josh 1:9.... Be strong and courageous!  Do not be terrified, Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go!
Deut. 31:6  Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you
John 14:27“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
John 16:33. These things I have spoken to you that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trials; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

So much for opening the window really wide!  There is so much more that I could write - but I don’t want to wear you out!  Hope it was not too much for y’al!  I pray that it helps you bless someone else.

On another note,I am deeply thankful for
the gorgeous weather, 
  (the 100 degrees yesterday really threw me tho)
puttering in the garden,
friends and family that call or send cards and distract,
a friends dog to keep me company,
teaching a friend about all God has done for them,
wrens nesting in my bird house,
gorgeous blossoms on my roses,
the foods that do taste good...
    like Chicago style hot dogs or shrimp....
    lol (sometimes you just gotta splurge!)
Todd
technology to keep my family connected
pictures to recall the fun times
reading scripture to put me back to sleep - 
  usually it works - ( I was so thankful when the boys 
  were toddlers and they would finally fall asleep!  God must say - “whew, so glad she’s 
  finally asleep - she wears me out!!!”)

Staying mindful of the many blessings God showers on me keeps me sane and keeps depression and sadness at bay — There is so much to be thankful for even in the midst of heartache!  God sends us beauty all the time - we just need to notice it and give thanks!

I am so thankful for you!  Thanks for all the prayers -  they are making a huge difference for us!
Thanks for checking in!