Blessed beyond belief!
Todd surprised me and brought Karl and Gretchen and Paul home for Spring break!
I have been having a blast having the whole fam together!
Side effects are kinda a pain, mouth sores are acting up, but energy has been good -
I am very thankful for this amazing blessing of togetherness!
Thank you for checking in --
You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing Ps 145:16
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Finished with #10!
Disconnected from my pump late this morning!
Woke up at 1:30 a.m. and stayed awake!! Took a short nap but I hate it when chemo does that!
Put on seabands to combat indigestion/nausea-but it isn't as bad as sometimes
Mouth sores starting.... No facial swelling though! Praises be!
Hands continue swollen, cracky etc.
Had an appointment w an ob/gyn to discuss the cysts on my ovaries and cervix. He was confident that these are not cancer related and not a problem. He said that as we age, our ovaries work harder and that can produce cysts - as can the stress of chemo. His recommendation is to come back in 3 mos for another ultrasound and exam to make sure that nothing has changed for the worse. This fits with what my oncologist said as well....so
I am praising God for this good news! Thank you Jesus!
Went to noon lenten services today--Todd gave the message and did a really nice job-- [so I am a little biased :)] Afterward, I had the honor of being prayed over. I had no idea they were going to do this, but they annointed me with oil and laid hands on me and prayed for healing.....There were two muslim Christians in the group. It was amazing to hear God's word so eloquently prayed with an accent--something I have never experienced before. They spoke beautifully -- I was so touched that they would pray for me, when they had never even met me before -- I should be used to that by now -- but it still catches me off guard and makes me teary eyed. They blessed me so much!
Had another first - the closing hymn was the first and last stanzas of Abide with Me. This hymn always makes me cry -- I think back to when my mother lay dying in the hospital and directly opposite her bed, in her line of vision, my father had hung a cross. It remained there even when she went into a coma.
Normally I cry pretty hard during this hymn and today I sang it with no tears at all! That was a miracle.
Here's several verses of that hymn
Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.
Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
Earths joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see;
O Thou who changes not, abide with me.
Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
In life, in death O Lord abide with me....
Last Summer I hung a cross for my father's eyes to rest on, when he was in hospice care--a reminder of where he was going and that this is not our home.
The image the last verse conjures up - of focusing on the cross as you leave this earth, is so powerful for me. It is a reminder to hold Christ's cross before me at all times--to view each circumstance with the cross as the focus--to not get wrapped up too much in the scary details, but to trust that God will make a way.
Is 30:21 says,"your ears will hear a voice behind you saying,"This is the way; walk in it.""
Is 48:17 says "I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is best for you;
who directs you in the way you should go."
I am trusting that just as God has lead us in the past, He will continue to lead us--even when it is scary.
Thankful for a good report from the doctor
beautiful sun
birds
prayer warriors
God's word and promises
benedryl to make me sleep tonight
all of you checking in
May we all learn the art of holding the cross before our eyes, no matter what the circumstance is.....
Blessings to you!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Every Chemo is different!
This chemo hit hard - slept during chemo-came home and napped - back to sitting and staring - not even really thinking - just in a fog
Yesterday I was yellow/green -- today I am bright pink - the rainbow colors of chemo :)
Fingers continue the healing process-it feels like I am wearing mesh gloves - like they are waking up from being asleep--still trouble typing- can touch cold things if I do it fast - but cold drinking fountains just freeze my mouth -hands still dry cracky and peely
Nausea is not really nausea, rather more like indigestion and heartburn -
Hair is still thinning - I am down to about 1/2 what I started with! even the strands are thinner!
Did make it to Bible study though :)
Pushing myself to exercise to keep my blood good - boy is that hard!
Went today for an ultrasound to follow up about the cysts on my ovaries. Meet tomorrow with the doc. These are not related to the cancer, so they say -- but you always wonder..... None of the docs thought this would be cancer either -- Just giving it to God...
A friend of mine said in regard to her own physical healing situation,
"God's still working on it"
I love that! God's still working on it -- and on me.
Praying I get the lesson so I can move on! lol
Wanted to offer a continued thank you to all of you who have pitched in to help with meals and rides. They make a profound difference! When you see me, I am putting my best foot forward and am at my very best. What follows my best is a lot of naps!...still. Even though I am not as riddled with symptoms, exhaustion is never far away. It is amazing how weakness has crept in. Over the weekend, putzing in the garden and picking up sticks totally wore me out. For those of you that know me well -- it was a great blessing to get to "play in the dirt." I truly enjoy that and was shocked at how much it cost me.
All this to say - thank you so much - I am really humbled and grateful for the lovely meals and the continued rides. They are such a help! Another star in your crown in heaven! :)
Thankful today for
being able to pray for others
sunshine
Chance
some energy
help from others
water tasting good
indigestion instead of nausea
lent
our wonderful neighbors
our loving church family
God's promises
e-mail to encourage each other, even when we are apart
Not much profound to say - so I will sign off with the reminder that
when all you can do is rest, then rest with the Lord.
Ps 91:1,2 He who dwell in the shelter of the most high,
will rest in the shadow of the almighty
I will say of the Lord, He is my rrefuge and my fortress,
my God in whom I trust.
I put my trust in the end of Exodus 15:26 - I am the Lord who heals you.
May you rest in the Lord, even if it is a small window in your busy day -
therein lies your strength!
Yesterday I was yellow/green -- today I am bright pink - the rainbow colors of chemo :)
Fingers continue the healing process-it feels like I am wearing mesh gloves - like they are waking up from being asleep--still trouble typing- can touch cold things if I do it fast - but cold drinking fountains just freeze my mouth -hands still dry cracky and peely
Nausea is not really nausea, rather more like indigestion and heartburn -
Hair is still thinning - I am down to about 1/2 what I started with! even the strands are thinner!
Did make it to Bible study though :)
Pushing myself to exercise to keep my blood good - boy is that hard!
Went today for an ultrasound to follow up about the cysts on my ovaries. Meet tomorrow with the doc. These are not related to the cancer, so they say -- but you always wonder..... None of the docs thought this would be cancer either -- Just giving it to God...
A friend of mine said in regard to her own physical healing situation,
"God's still working on it"
I love that! God's still working on it -- and on me.
Praying I get the lesson so I can move on! lol
Wanted to offer a continued thank you to all of you who have pitched in to help with meals and rides. They make a profound difference! When you see me, I am putting my best foot forward and am at my very best. What follows my best is a lot of naps!...still. Even though I am not as riddled with symptoms, exhaustion is never far away. It is amazing how weakness has crept in. Over the weekend, putzing in the garden and picking up sticks totally wore me out. For those of you that know me well -- it was a great blessing to get to "play in the dirt." I truly enjoy that and was shocked at how much it cost me.
All this to say - thank you so much - I am really humbled and grateful for the lovely meals and the continued rides. They are such a help! Another star in your crown in heaven! :)
Thankful today for
being able to pray for others
sunshine
Chance
some energy
help from others
water tasting good
indigestion instead of nausea
lent
our wonderful neighbors
our loving church family
God's promises
e-mail to encourage each other, even when we are apart
Not much profound to say - so I will sign off with the reminder that
when all you can do is rest, then rest with the Lord.
Ps 91:1,2 He who dwell in the shelter of the most high,
will rest in the shadow of the almighty
I will say of the Lord, He is my rrefuge and my fortress,
my God in whom I trust.
I put my trust in the end of Exodus 15:26 - I am the Lord who heals you.
May you rest in the Lord, even if it is a small window in your busy day -
therein lies your strength!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Sharing - another desert lesson....
Energy has faded....hand and foot skin issues continue (swelling, cracking, tingling)
hair continues to thin - and now I have almost no eyebrows! It's one thing to fill in brows, but to free hand them is a little more difficult!
2nd nupogen shot yesterday - and it hurt :( the others haven't! no bruise yet though!
Got some side effects from the shots - body aches, hips, knees and especially my feet. I feel like I have lead in my veins! Thankful for the help strengthening my blood though.
Well, I don't know where the energy went....Yesterday and today, I woke up really tired - walked about 2.25 miles (slowly!) both days, which usually helps wake me up, but now, not so much. I'm thankful for several days of feeling good. Not sure iff this is the "new normal" or if this is just a blip. Always an adventure!
The theme of friendships has been on my mind over the last few days.
It has happened several times that I have found out that a friend was going through a hard time and they didn't share that with me. "When I think how this compares to your cancer - it's not that big a deal." "You have so much you are going through....."
By not sharing your problems, two things happen--
One is that they dealt with it alone, not receiving prayer or encouragement.
The other is that God couldn't use you to work on me-to shift my focus off me, back to Him!
Distraction is a good thing. If I have nothing else to think about, then all I think about is me, me, me-as in, poor me! Is that really how I am supposed to be? or am I supposed to be
a light? a comfort? an encourager? a prayer warrior?
I can do all those things, even with cancer. Not doing them makes me feel like a slug - like I
can't contribute, help or participate.
When you have physical challenges/ailments/annoyances, it is very easy to become focused on every little thing that your body does to betray you -
is this more cancer?
it's not fair!
now I can't do _____....
the side effects are worse that the problem!
what will the next test show?
This consuming thought process results in problems being magnified, self pity growing, and imagination creates aches and pains you didn't have before!
Instead, we are called to encourage others with the comfort we received (2 Cor 1:3-7).
"God of comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
No matter what you are going through, you can be an encouragement for someone else. That is what God calls us to do - comfort others with the comfort He gave us when we were having trouble. We are to model how to handle trouble, based on Him - His strength, His comfort! We are to show HIS love, care, encouragement to others. Then, we are blessed, because we are doing what He called us to do!
By choosing not to share your problems,
you deprive God of opportunity to work through both of you and
you deprive your friend of the opportunity to answer God's call to comfort and encourage others,
thereby depriving them of a blessing!
Sometimes people choose not to share because they are too proud to let others know that they have problems. They feel like everyone else has their act together and has no problems. That is such a lie of the devil - designed to separate us from each other. When we are alone, we are easier to discourage and destroy. When we stand together, encourage each other, remind each other of all that God has done for us, the devil has less chance of succeeding! He wants to divide and conquer - to steal, kill and destroy us. John 10:10
What if I had not listened to God's nudge to write this blog? What if I didn't share all the intimate details? Would you be encouraged -uplifted? So many people have said how much they appreciate my frankness -- that they understand cancer and chemo better and will use that information with other friends having chemo. They will comfort with the comfort they received--and not from me, but from God....
But what if I had struggled with this alone -- not "gone public"...............?
The take-away from this desert lesson is this--
Everyone has problems - if you think they don't, the devil is feeding you a lie. Don't believe it!
You choose whether you struggle alone or share your problems.
By sharing your problems you open the door for God to bless you and others --
-you receive support and wise Godly counsel
-their faith is strengthened by sharing the comfort they received in their dark valley to help you.
-you are equipped to encourage others later on
God's economy seems odd, but it works! It is more blessed to give than to receive Acts 20:35
Open yourself up and allow others to give to you so they can be blessed.
Know that when you have come through your valley, you will be called to encourage others, and you will be blessed!
You all have been such a blessing to me as you have encouraged us. We could not walk this valley alone. You are blessing us, and you will be blessed for your love and care...
Gen 12:2 I will bless you and you will be a blessing
hair continues to thin - and now I have almost no eyebrows! It's one thing to fill in brows, but to free hand them is a little more difficult!
2nd nupogen shot yesterday - and it hurt :( the others haven't! no bruise yet though!
Got some side effects from the shots - body aches, hips, knees and especially my feet. I feel like I have lead in my veins! Thankful for the help strengthening my blood though.
Well, I don't know where the energy went....Yesterday and today, I woke up really tired - walked about 2.25 miles (slowly!) both days, which usually helps wake me up, but now, not so much. I'm thankful for several days of feeling good. Not sure iff this is the "new normal" or if this is just a blip. Always an adventure!
The theme of friendships has been on my mind over the last few days.
It has happened several times that I have found out that a friend was going through a hard time and they didn't share that with me. "When I think how this compares to your cancer - it's not that big a deal." "You have so much you are going through....."
By not sharing your problems, two things happen--
One is that they dealt with it alone, not receiving prayer or encouragement.
The other is that God couldn't use you to work on me-to shift my focus off me, back to Him!
Distraction is a good thing. If I have nothing else to think about, then all I think about is me, me, me-as in, poor me! Is that really how I am supposed to be? or am I supposed to be
a light? a comfort? an encourager? a prayer warrior?
I can do all those things, even with cancer. Not doing them makes me feel like a slug - like I
can't contribute, help or participate.
When you have physical challenges/ailments/annoyances, it is very easy to become focused on every little thing that your body does to betray you -
is this more cancer?
it's not fair!
now I can't do _____....
the side effects are worse that the problem!
what will the next test show?
This consuming thought process results in problems being magnified, self pity growing, and imagination creates aches and pains you didn't have before!
Instead, we are called to encourage others with the comfort we received (2 Cor 1:3-7).
"God of comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
No matter what you are going through, you can be an encouragement for someone else. That is what God calls us to do - comfort others with the comfort He gave us when we were having trouble. We are to model how to handle trouble, based on Him - His strength, His comfort! We are to show HIS love, care, encouragement to others. Then, we are blessed, because we are doing what He called us to do!
By choosing not to share your problems,
you deprive God of opportunity to work through both of you and
you deprive your friend of the opportunity to answer God's call to comfort and encourage others,
thereby depriving them of a blessing!
Sometimes people choose not to share because they are too proud to let others know that they have problems. They feel like everyone else has their act together and has no problems. That is such a lie of the devil - designed to separate us from each other. When we are alone, we are easier to discourage and destroy. When we stand together, encourage each other, remind each other of all that God has done for us, the devil has less chance of succeeding! He wants to divide and conquer - to steal, kill and destroy us. John 10:10
What if I had not listened to God's nudge to write this blog? What if I didn't share all the intimate details? Would you be encouraged -uplifted? So many people have said how much they appreciate my frankness -- that they understand cancer and chemo better and will use that information with other friends having chemo. They will comfort with the comfort they received--and not from me, but from God....
But what if I had struggled with this alone -- not "gone public"...............?
The take-away from this desert lesson is this--
Everyone has problems - if you think they don't, the devil is feeding you a lie. Don't believe it!
You choose whether you struggle alone or share your problems.
By sharing your problems you open the door for God to bless you and others --
-you receive support and wise Godly counsel
-their faith is strengthened by sharing the comfort they received in their dark valley to help you.
-you are equipped to encourage others later on
God's economy seems odd, but it works! It is more blessed to give than to receive Acts 20:35
Open yourself up and allow others to give to you so they can be blessed.
Know that when you have come through your valley, you will be called to encourage others, and you will be blessed!
You all have been such a blessing to me as you have encouraged us. We could not walk this valley alone. You are blessing us, and you will be blessed for your love and care...
Gen 12:2 I will bless you and you will be a blessing
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Nurse Check-Liver Enzyme Levels coming down!
Nurse check day - Blood looks pretty good - liver enzymes dropping - (yay) Doc ordered nupogen to strengthen my blood - three shots over three days -
hands and feet are cracking and painful - sleep doesn't come easily (3 hours last night!)
Very thankful that I am doing well - thankful that I didn't slide downhill like I usually do.
Thankful to have the energy to enjoy the blessings given me, like
washing my dog -love that clean smell and the fluffy fur
sitting outside and listening to the birds sing
sunshine and blue sky
the beauty of a newly opened daffodil
the taste of water or a crisp apple
a cool breeze and beautiful stars
the surprise of a hawk skimming through my back yard
watching the birds checking out nesting sites
the miracle of a seedling opening (thousands of them! argh!)
a robin splashing in the birdbath
listening to children playing outside
a conversation with a friend
getting to attend lenten worship
the colors of an orchid
Ps 145:16
You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.....
Very thankful for you checking in - Your love and prayers carry us! I am blessed!
hands and feet are cracking and painful - sleep doesn't come easily (3 hours last night!)
Very thankful that I am doing well - thankful that I didn't slide downhill like I usually do.
Thankful to have the energy to enjoy the blessings given me, like
washing my dog -love that clean smell and the fluffy fur
sitting outside and listening to the birds sing
sunshine and blue sky
the beauty of a newly opened daffodil
the taste of water or a crisp apple
a cool breeze and beautiful stars
the surprise of a hawk skimming through my back yard
watching the birds checking out nesting sites
the miracle of a seedling opening (thousands of them! argh!)
a robin splashing in the birdbath
listening to children playing outside
a conversation with a friend
getting to attend lenten worship
the colors of an orchid
Ps 145:16
You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.....
Very thankful for you checking in - Your love and prayers carry us! I am blessed!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Don't just do something, stand there!
Side effects still minimal - energy is good! Fingers still have some numbness.
Praising God to have energy and be able to drink water without it tasting terrible or having to be tepid!
For some reason I woke up stressed out this morning -- silly stupid way to start your day!
When I realized how stressed I was, I began to ponder how my day derailed. By this evening, I realized that when I physically feel terrible, I spend much more time with God....
When I am feeling terrible, I cannot do anything except lie there and just be. When I am being, I have to go to God because otherwise my brain goes down the "poor me" path and I get more miserable.
However -
When I'm feeling better and have energy - what do I do? My mind begins the endless lists of "have to's"--- and I do mean endless! I have to work in the basement with all the stuff from my dad's house - what to do with it? decisions to make? research how/where to sell it. Reorganize the basement to accommodate the things we are storing. I have not really been domestically efficient in over a year - so Spring cleaning is a long list of lists.
There are "have to do it today lists" - wedding lists - thank you lists - wife lists - garden lists - honey-do lists - wish lists - shopping lists - medical lists - if-only lists - fix it lists - things I forgot to do lists- and the lists go on and on --
I can wear myself out with my lists before I ever get out of bed!
The old saying goes that if the devil can't tempt you, he will make you too busy for God......
There are endless tasks -
Work is never finished -
The to do list always exceeds the done list.
Yet when I felt terrible, I couldn't do anything except be with God and I wasn't stressed!
(sick, yes - stressed, no!)
How can I prevent this stress from derailing more days?
It is SO HARD! I have to begin my day intentionally with God -- to put the "have-tos" on hold. If it is not intentional, the have-tos take over!
When I am lying in bed, with stress mounting as the to do lists whirl in my head, I have to mentally shut down the lists.
2 Cor 10:5 at the end talks about taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Man do I have a lot to take captive! Once they are caught and closed - and it is an on-going process- then I go back to focusing on God to start my day. Often I'll say scripture to myself, which works for me because when remembering a verse, there are no brain cells for lists!
We have a collection of devotionals on our kitchen table including Come Away My Beloved, Streams in the Desert and My Utmost for His Highest and Jesus Calling. Every day at breakfast, I pick at least one to read and often it is Jesus Calling. This helps me to set the tone for the day - to scale it back from stressed to calm. (well less stressed anyway!)
A pad of paper helps me control the thoughts that come to distract me! I write 'em down and get back to God right away. If I am careful, this works - sometimes though I end up distracted and forgetting God. :(
So - One more lesson from this desert -
Be vigilant and pro active so that I don't get so busy doing stuff - even in my head- that I forget the one who gives me the ability to do anything at all!
Scripture to help with that?
Ps 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.... (not "do still" - "be still")
Is 30:15
In repentance and rest is your salvation - in quietness and trust is your strength
I Thess 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.....
Thankful for relearning a lesson I thought I knew......
Blessings and thanks for checkin in!
Praising God to have energy and be able to drink water without it tasting terrible or having to be tepid!
For some reason I woke up stressed out this morning -- silly stupid way to start your day!
When I realized how stressed I was, I began to ponder how my day derailed. By this evening, I realized that when I physically feel terrible, I spend much more time with God....
When I am feeling terrible, I cannot do anything except lie there and just be. When I am being, I have to go to God because otherwise my brain goes down the "poor me" path and I get more miserable.
However -
When I'm feeling better and have energy - what do I do? My mind begins the endless lists of "have to's"--- and I do mean endless! I have to work in the basement with all the stuff from my dad's house - what to do with it? decisions to make? research how/where to sell it. Reorganize the basement to accommodate the things we are storing. I have not really been domestically efficient in over a year - so Spring cleaning is a long list of lists.
There are "have to do it today lists" - wedding lists - thank you lists - wife lists - garden lists - honey-do lists - wish lists - shopping lists - medical lists - if-only lists - fix it lists - things I forgot to do lists- and the lists go on and on --
I can wear myself out with my lists before I ever get out of bed!
The old saying goes that if the devil can't tempt you, he will make you too busy for God......
There are endless tasks -
Work is never finished -
The to do list always exceeds the done list.
Yet when I felt terrible, I couldn't do anything except be with God and I wasn't stressed!
(sick, yes - stressed, no!)
How can I prevent this stress from derailing more days?
It is SO HARD! I have to begin my day intentionally with God -- to put the "have-tos" on hold. If it is not intentional, the have-tos take over!
When I am lying in bed, with stress mounting as the to do lists whirl in my head, I have to mentally shut down the lists.
2 Cor 10:5 at the end talks about taking every thought captive and making it obedient to Christ. Man do I have a lot to take captive! Once they are caught and closed - and it is an on-going process- then I go back to focusing on God to start my day. Often I'll say scripture to myself, which works for me because when remembering a verse, there are no brain cells for lists!
We have a collection of devotionals on our kitchen table including Come Away My Beloved, Streams in the Desert and My Utmost for His Highest and Jesus Calling. Every day at breakfast, I pick at least one to read and often it is Jesus Calling. This helps me to set the tone for the day - to scale it back from stressed to calm. (well less stressed anyway!)
A pad of paper helps me control the thoughts that come to distract me! I write 'em down and get back to God right away. If I am careful, this works - sometimes though I end up distracted and forgetting God. :(
So - One more lesson from this desert -
Be vigilant and pro active so that I don't get so busy doing stuff - even in my head- that I forget the one who gives me the ability to do anything at all!
Scripture to help with that?
Ps 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.... (not "do still" - "be still")
Is 30:15
In repentance and rest is your salvation - in quietness and trust is your strength
I Thess 5:16-18
Be joyful always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances.....
Thankful for relearning a lesson I thought I knew......
Blessings and thanks for checkin in!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Beauty in a harsh climate -
Side effects continue minimal - hands are not painful - just kinda tingly -- have to be careful not to drink stuff that's too cold, but enjoying "cool" drinks -- nausea is more like bad indigestion-did put the seabands back on :) thank God for them! My nose runs continuously-gotta love Puffs plus lotion! My hair is thinning more but I still have hair! Thankful that I have more energy than I did - naps are still a favorite though - with deep, deep sleep.
Praising God for a wonderful break last week--I have thought back to it many times!
We stayed at the Red Rock Resort on the West end of Las Vegas. This is a desert climate - quite a switch from the upper midwest! As I sat and looked at these rocky, barren mountains - I really didn't like them much. They were interesting and unusual but they were not beautiful to my eye. After several days out there, they began to grown on me though. There is kind of a wild, tough beauty about them. I learned that the average rainfall there is 3 inches a year! (Based on the mulch all over my front walkway we had about 1/2 their annual rainfall here while we were gone!)
The type of terrain that comes about with that little rain, heat and wind does not appear beautiful when you first see it--in fact it looks rather ugly--intimidating and uninviting -- not like "home" or where I am comfortable. But as you look for awhile, you begin to see beauty in the colors of the rocks and the blossoms of the plants that do survive!
I feel a bit like that....
I am living through a difficult, stressful situation--my own desert, if you will---
not like home, or where I am comfortable...life before cancer...
Yet by God's grace, I am seeing beauty in my desert -
the love from all of you
people going to the doctor because of me
other's praying - when praying is not really their thing
providing encouragement to some of you
receiving the help and encouragement from you (it is hard to receive when you are a giver!)
realizing that I have made a positive difference in some people's lives
God's presence through it all...his sustaining word and grace...
I was so quick to judge the desert as ugly, intimidating and uninviting ---
It takes time to see the beauty in the desert when it is so different from where you have been.
In the same way, it takes time with God and thankfulness for all He has done for me to be able to see the beauty in this cancer desert.
When you first look at Red Rocks - there are some very clear routes (they are called roads) - but off the roads, it seems rather path-less. You have to kind of find your way.
How similar this cancer journey has been....
at first it was a vast unfamiliar fear
then pieces began to fall into place
it seemed as though the doctors I met with so quickly were the exact ones I was to see (duh!)
every step lead on to the next and the next
soon we had traversed surgery and begun chemo and not gotten lost in the fear....
now I am 3/4 finished - Spring is at the door - I see the end of the path -
looking back at where I came from - there was not a discernible path to take
we walked by faith and not by sight - following the path God guided us on
As I looked at those rocky inhospitable mountains, I became aware that the harsh climate is what made them what they are -- it is what revealed the colors of the rock and showed their beauty.
As I go through this desert - I am being changed.
Hopefully I am becoming more thankful for my friends, what I have and am able to do.
It is growing my faith stronger as I see all that God has provided for me.
I am learning not to judge an unfamiliar place as ugly --just different--you can learn anywhere!
I am trusting that God will bring beauty from this cancer desert as He did the Red Rocks....
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, (in the desert)
because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him....
May you be blessed to see beauty in your own harsh places...
Praising God for a wonderful break last week--I have thought back to it many times!
We stayed at the Red Rock Resort on the West end of Las Vegas. This is a desert climate - quite a switch from the upper midwest! As I sat and looked at these rocky, barren mountains - I really didn't like them much. They were interesting and unusual but they were not beautiful to my eye. After several days out there, they began to grown on me though. There is kind of a wild, tough beauty about them. I learned that the average rainfall there is 3 inches a year! (Based on the mulch all over my front walkway we had about 1/2 their annual rainfall here while we were gone!)
The type of terrain that comes about with that little rain, heat and wind does not appear beautiful when you first see it--in fact it looks rather ugly--intimidating and uninviting -- not like "home" or where I am comfortable. But as you look for awhile, you begin to see beauty in the colors of the rocks and the blossoms of the plants that do survive!
I feel a bit like that....
I am living through a difficult, stressful situation--my own desert, if you will---
not like home, or where I am comfortable...life before cancer...
Yet by God's grace, I am seeing beauty in my desert -
the love from all of you
people going to the doctor because of me
other's praying - when praying is not really their thing
providing encouragement to some of you
receiving the help and encouragement from you (it is hard to receive when you are a giver!)
realizing that I have made a positive difference in some people's lives
God's presence through it all...his sustaining word and grace...
I was so quick to judge the desert as ugly, intimidating and uninviting ---
It takes time to see the beauty in the desert when it is so different from where you have been.
In the same way, it takes time with God and thankfulness for all He has done for me to be able to see the beauty in this cancer desert.
When you first look at Red Rocks - there are some very clear routes (they are called roads) - but off the roads, it seems rather path-less. You have to kind of find your way.
How similar this cancer journey has been....
at first it was a vast unfamiliar fear
then pieces began to fall into place
it seemed as though the doctors I met with so quickly were the exact ones I was to see (duh!)
every step lead on to the next and the next
soon we had traversed surgery and begun chemo and not gotten lost in the fear....
now I am 3/4 finished - Spring is at the door - I see the end of the path -
looking back at where I came from - there was not a discernible path to take
we walked by faith and not by sight - following the path God guided us on
As I looked at those rocky inhospitable mountains, I became aware that the harsh climate is what made them what they are -- it is what revealed the colors of the rock and showed their beauty.
As I go through this desert - I am being changed.
Hopefully I am becoming more thankful for my friends, what I have and am able to do.
It is growing my faith stronger as I see all that God has provided for me.
I am learning not to judge an unfamiliar place as ugly --just different--you can learn anywhere!
I am trusting that God will bring beauty from this cancer desert as He did the Red Rocks....
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, (in the desert)
because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him....
May you be blessed to see beauty in your own harsh places...
Friday, March 16, 2012
3/4 of the way done! and more blessings!
This round easier-some energy yesterday morning, fading as the day went on.
Side effects - mouth sores, fatigue but
thanking God that I have no nausea, no tingling in my fingers.
Thankful for clear scan results but following up with an ob/gyn about the cysts on my ovaries
Because Dr Frick removed the oxalyplatin from my "chemo cocktail", I am blessed by not having some of the more awfull side effects --
no nausea (didn't even put on my seabands!)
also forgot to take bread up to bed with me--I usually would eat bread before even thinking
about getting out of bed!
I can drink cooler things (they would have to be tepid before) not cold, but cool
Water tastes like water - not a stagnant brackish well.
Typing and texting is easier- my fine motor skills are not as bad -- still not great, but better than
they usually are on day 3 of chemo!
Craving sweets and starches which I should not have!
I am still very tired tho.....nap time is right around the corner!
I have an appointment on the 28th with an ob/gyn to discuss the cysts on my ovaries and will have an ultrasound several days before. The doc says they are unrelated to the cancer.... makes you think though -- makes you hang on to God more tightly!
Many people have asked what is causing the enzymes to be so elevated -- Dr Frick is not positive, thinking perhaps the chemo is doing that. He has removed any vitamins and supplements from my diet to eliminate anything that may be causing this. The enzyme values were lower than the time before, just not near normal. This may just be a slow progression back to "normal." I don't know.
We have very mild weather here in WI. My viburnum actually have blooms on them already! Peonies, stella doro lilies and daffodils are all coming up! I hope we don't get hammered with Winter again - though I can hardly believe that we are finished with it!
Psalm 18 selected...
I love you O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock in whom I take refuge...
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears....
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
So very thankful for all God has done for me
and
for you checking in to see how I am!
Blessings to you!
Side effects - mouth sores, fatigue but
thanking God that I have no nausea, no tingling in my fingers.
Thankful for clear scan results but following up with an ob/gyn about the cysts on my ovaries
Because Dr Frick removed the oxalyplatin from my "chemo cocktail", I am blessed by not having some of the more awfull side effects --
no nausea (didn't even put on my seabands!)
also forgot to take bread up to bed with me--I usually would eat bread before even thinking
about getting out of bed!
I can drink cooler things (they would have to be tepid before) not cold, but cool
Water tastes like water - not a stagnant brackish well.
Typing and texting is easier- my fine motor skills are not as bad -- still not great, but better than
they usually are on day 3 of chemo!
Craving sweets and starches which I should not have!
I am still very tired tho.....nap time is right around the corner!
I have an appointment on the 28th with an ob/gyn to discuss the cysts on my ovaries and will have an ultrasound several days before. The doc says they are unrelated to the cancer.... makes you think though -- makes you hang on to God more tightly!
Many people have asked what is causing the enzymes to be so elevated -- Dr Frick is not positive, thinking perhaps the chemo is doing that. He has removed any vitamins and supplements from my diet to eliminate anything that may be causing this. The enzyme values were lower than the time before, just not near normal. This may just be a slow progression back to "normal." I don't know.
We have very mild weather here in WI. My viburnum actually have blooms on them already! Peonies, stella doro lilies and daffodils are all coming up! I hope we don't get hammered with Winter again - though I can hardly believe that we are finished with it!
Psalm 18 selected...
I love you O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock in whom I take refuge...
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears....
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
So very thankful for all God has done for me
and
for you checking in to see how I am!
Blessings to you!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Blessings upon blessings!
My abdominal CAT scan came out completely clean! Praise God who listens to your many many prayers!
Chemo 9 underway. Oxaliplatin (the drug that made my fingers sensitive to cold and made things taste like metal and made me clumsy) has been removed from my treatment plan. YIPPEE!!!
Here's some of the things that have blown me away over the last 36 hours:
-facing the reality that cancer may have spread to my liver, despite being on chemo
(thus making it a particularly vicious strain-and wondering where else it went)
-trying not to go down the "what if" path.....and not always succeeding
-seeing the outpouring of people praying for me
-that people would put prayer requests on facebook for me! 4 that I know of--
273 people responded on Todd's face book post! and that doesn't count the people who
responded to the other 3 posted requests for prayers for me and those I don't know about!
Martin Luther - the student body prayed for me during chapel
2 classes that I know of prayed for me by name - and there may be more
The LHSAGM staff met this morning at 9:15 to pray for me and Todd was not even there!
At 9:15 I was in the middle of the procedure --and they were lifting me up!
Do you have any idea how that feels? Todd read me the list last night of 'likes' and
I just wept with thankfulness. You carry us through. I am greatly humbled and
honored. Thank you!
-the raw nerves of going for the test and doing the prep (icky)
(walking in, and the waiting room are harder)
-receiving all the loving text messages - I knew I was not alone,
but y'all really made me feel that I had company there with me.
-waiting and watching my phone - willing it to ring
-getting the all clear from Dr. Frick's office at 11:10 -
-scrambling to let people know
Todd didn't get my message before people got the fb messages- He was on the phone
- I felt really bad.... :(
-scrambling to get to chemo at 11:30 with a lunch
-getting the chemo (still felt kinda icky and very very tired, but so elated that I was clear.....)
-coming home and walking Chance in 76 degree weather
(I usually cannot walk the day of chemo!)
-feeling good enough to go to worship - normally I am crashed on the couch and don't move
How am I doing? After riding the rollercoaster - I am exhausted and elated and deeply deeply
thankful!
Ps 28:6
Praise be to the Lord, for he heard my cry for mercy
Ps 18:49
I will praise you among the nations o Lord; I will sing praises to your name!
Ps 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior who daily bears our burdens....Selah
Love this song! Singing it while I do a happy dance - with my pump attached!
Free to Live for you - Newsboys
Thank you for checking in! Blessings and thank you for your prayers, love and support!
You are the body of Christ - loving as He did!
Chemo 9 underway. Oxaliplatin (the drug that made my fingers sensitive to cold and made things taste like metal and made me clumsy) has been removed from my treatment plan. YIPPEE!!!
Here's some of the things that have blown me away over the last 36 hours:
-facing the reality that cancer may have spread to my liver, despite being on chemo
(thus making it a particularly vicious strain-and wondering where else it went)
-trying not to go down the "what if" path.....and not always succeeding
-seeing the outpouring of people praying for me
-that people would put prayer requests on facebook for me! 4 that I know of--
273 people responded on Todd's face book post! and that doesn't count the people who
responded to the other 3 posted requests for prayers for me and those I don't know about!
Martin Luther - the student body prayed for me during chapel
2 classes that I know of prayed for me by name - and there may be more
The LHSAGM staff met this morning at 9:15 to pray for me and Todd was not even there!
At 9:15 I was in the middle of the procedure --and they were lifting me up!
Do you have any idea how that feels? Todd read me the list last night of 'likes' and
I just wept with thankfulness. You carry us through. I am greatly humbled and
honored. Thank you!
-the raw nerves of going for the test and doing the prep (icky)
(walking in, and the waiting room are harder)
-receiving all the loving text messages - I knew I was not alone,
but y'all really made me feel that I had company there with me.
-waiting and watching my phone - willing it to ring
-getting the all clear from Dr. Frick's office at 11:10 -
-scrambling to let people know
Todd didn't get my message before people got the fb messages- He was on the phone
- I felt really bad.... :(
-scrambling to get to chemo at 11:30 with a lunch
-getting the chemo (still felt kinda icky and very very tired, but so elated that I was clear.....)
-coming home and walking Chance in 76 degree weather
(I usually cannot walk the day of chemo!)
-feeling good enough to go to worship - normally I am crashed on the couch and don't move
How am I doing? After riding the rollercoaster - I am exhausted and elated and deeply deeply
thankful!
Ps 28:6
Praise be to the Lord, for he heard my cry for mercy
Ps 18:49
I will praise you among the nations o Lord; I will sing praises to your name!
Ps 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior who daily bears our burdens....Selah
Love this song! Singing it while I do a happy dance - with my pump attached!
Free to Live for you - Newsboys
Thank you for checking in! Blessings and thank you for your prayers, love and support!
You are the body of Christ - loving as He did!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Waiting some more...
Liver enzymes are elevated still, but they are coming down.
CAT scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30.
If it is ok, I will get chemo tomorrow. If not....he will change some of the drugs I am on.
He ordered the scan to figure out why my liver enzymes are elevated. He has taken me off all supplements to see if this helps and they are coming down, but they are still quite high. Tomorrow, they will be looking for any abnormalities and for cancer on/in the liver (a common place for colon cancer to metastasize to) They will read it immediately to know if I am healthy enough for chemo tomorrow at noon, so the waiting is drawing to a close.
How am I doing?
Well, I got a little teary when talking with Dr Frick-- not really surprising --
Basically I am ok and peaceful. I am a bit scared, but am trying hard not to think the worst case scenario and focus on doing the laundry and cleaning the house. I have my scripture cards out - reminding myself of how big God is -- and that he will bring good out of this, even if I cannot see how.
I am thankful for
friends who pray for me and their encouragement
Dr Frick who cares and follows up faithfully
making it to bible study, late but I made it!
sunshine
daylight lasting longer
warm weather
crocuses blooming
naps
God's promises to be with me and never leave me
His peace which is keeping me calm
Hugs from friends
Chance
Blessings and thank you for checking in and for your prayers. They truly make a difference - I am sure I would be a sobbing mess without them!!
CAT scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:30.
If it is ok, I will get chemo tomorrow. If not....he will change some of the drugs I am on.
He ordered the scan to figure out why my liver enzymes are elevated. He has taken me off all supplements to see if this helps and they are coming down, but they are still quite high. Tomorrow, they will be looking for any abnormalities and for cancer on/in the liver (a common place for colon cancer to metastasize to) They will read it immediately to know if I am healthy enough for chemo tomorrow at noon, so the waiting is drawing to a close.
How am I doing?
Well, I got a little teary when talking with Dr Frick-- not really surprising --
Basically I am ok and peaceful. I am a bit scared, but am trying hard not to think the worst case scenario and focus on doing the laundry and cleaning the house. I have my scripture cards out - reminding myself of how big God is -- and that he will bring good out of this, even if I cannot see how.
I am thankful for
friends who pray for me and their encouragement
Dr Frick who cares and follows up faithfully
making it to bible study, late but I made it!
sunshine
daylight lasting longer
warm weather
crocuses blooming
naps
God's promises to be with me and never leave me
His peace which is keeping me calm
Hugs from friends
Chance
Blessings and thank you for checking in and for your prayers. They truly make a difference - I am sure I would be a sobbing mess without them!!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Vegas Baby! with a shadow
Side effects managable - nose congested, hands kinda tingly, mouth sores :(
but I am dealing with them in Las Vegas rather than at home - so I am blessed!
Liver enzyme levels too high tho.
It is so nice to get to be in Todd's world for a little bit. I have really enjoyed meeting some of the people he has talked about.
While he was at the conference - a friend and I went down to the strip today to see the fountains at the Bellagio and look at some of the casinos.
It was a fun afternoon, but I have to say, if I never go to the strip again, it is really ok! I could tell I was not my usual self because I got cranky and tired much sooner than normal. I apologized a lot to her :) We figured out we walked about 5 miles tho, so I was glad to do that!
The sunshine sure boosts the spirits - so does the warm weather! I forgot sunscreen so hopefully the sun didn't zap me too badly (sun sensitivity is a prob with this chemo treatment!)
This has been a real gift in the middle of the chemo.
I did have a bit of a shadow cast over the trip tho -
I got a call from the oncologist that my liver enzyme levels are too high again. They had been high for several blood draws now, and they had requested that I not take several supplements to try and bring them down. Unfortunately it hasn't worked.
If they are not down on Tues, they will order a CAT scan of my liver. They will be looking for blocked ducts, and abnormalities and cancer.
It was so strange to have them call me -- here I am on vacation - enjoying being alive and able to do this, and in a min this shadow was cast over it. I am trying not to think about it and just enjoy the time here, but it is like a dark cloud on a sunny day.....
Having cancer changes how you view everything...
I try to frame it in terms of a whole lifetime and eternity, but that doesn't always work....
So I am thankful for
tests that warn about problems
faith that tells me this is all in God's hands
knowing that he has a plan for me Jer 29:11
my wonderful neighbors caring for Chance - even when he is a stinker!
beautiful mountains
sunshine
dear friends to share the conference with
great food
fresh air
the energy I do have
naps when I don't have any
your prayers
standing firmly on God's promises and thankful for sunshine and the shadows
Thanks for checking in!
but I am dealing with them in Las Vegas rather than at home - so I am blessed!
Liver enzyme levels too high tho.
It is so nice to get to be in Todd's world for a little bit. I have really enjoyed meeting some of the people he has talked about.
While he was at the conference - a friend and I went down to the strip today to see the fountains at the Bellagio and look at some of the casinos.
It was a fun afternoon, but I have to say, if I never go to the strip again, it is really ok! I could tell I was not my usual self because I got cranky and tired much sooner than normal. I apologized a lot to her :) We figured out we walked about 5 miles tho, so I was glad to do that!
The sunshine sure boosts the spirits - so does the warm weather! I forgot sunscreen so hopefully the sun didn't zap me too badly (sun sensitivity is a prob with this chemo treatment!)
This has been a real gift in the middle of the chemo.
I did have a bit of a shadow cast over the trip tho -
I got a call from the oncologist that my liver enzyme levels are too high again. They had been high for several blood draws now, and they had requested that I not take several supplements to try and bring them down. Unfortunately it hasn't worked.
If they are not down on Tues, they will order a CAT scan of my liver. They will be looking for blocked ducts, and abnormalities and cancer.
It was so strange to have them call me -- here I am on vacation - enjoying being alive and able to do this, and in a min this shadow was cast over it. I am trying not to think about it and just enjoy the time here, but it is like a dark cloud on a sunny day.....
Having cancer changes how you view everything...
I try to frame it in terms of a whole lifetime and eternity, but that doesn't always work....
So I am thankful for
tests that warn about problems
faith that tells me this is all in God's hands
knowing that he has a plan for me Jer 29:11
my wonderful neighbors caring for Chance - even when he is a stinker!
beautiful mountains
sunshine
dear friends to share the conference with
great food
fresh air
the energy I do have
naps when I don't have any
your prayers
standing firmly on God's promises and thankful for sunshine and the shadows
Thanks for checking in!
Monday, March 5, 2012
Pity Party - Attitude Adjustment
Side effects are manageable - hands still tingly - still exhausted - still flirting with nausea - still emotional - more of the same.... (Pray for Todd!) :)
Yesterday I had a melt down -- It was disproportionate to the cause.
Saturday I took 3 naps so I could go with Todd to a work function. I was thrilled to be there and be a part of his world again. Sunday, we slept in and went to late service and I took a long nap. (These naps are different than my former power naps where I sleep and wake within 20 min and am refreshed. These naps, I pass out and wake up groggy and exhausted.) When I woke up, I realized that one of my earrings was gone. Normally this would have made me sad, I would have looked for it, pouted and gotten over it. Well this time, not so much! I couldn't find it. When I mentally moved it from "misplaced" to "lost", I started to cry -- What started out,
"It was a favorite earring, made for me by a former client-a beautiful, irreplaceable item" turned into:
"I'm sick of feeling yucky - throw upy -
I'm sick of indigestion
I'm sick of being tired
I'm sick of not sleeping at night
I'm sick of napping all the time and waking up crabby, exhausted, and grumpy
I'm sick of my hair falling out
I'm sick of food and water tasting gross
I'm sick of not being able to focus and see correctly (chemo changes your eyes too)
I'm sick of being overwhelmed by "normal" tasks
I'm sick of blowing my nose all the time (chemo response - not the cold any more)
I'm sick of cold sores and mouth sores
I'm sick of having no energy
I'm sick of extreme responses to "normal" things........
I'm sick of doing something and being exhausted for 2 days
I'm sick of not doing things and still being exhausted
I'm sick of this game!! And I want my earring back!"
You get the drift.....
Did I mention, pray for Todd? He said, " It'll turn up" and I just wanted to hit him! :) in a loving way, of course!
My pity party had spun out of control...
I would love to say that I thought of all this scripture, and I turned my attitude around....
Truthfully though, I did think of scripture, and I did talk to God, but the tears and frustration had sat down and made themselves quite comfortable and I was having a really hard time showing them the door! I didn't really win that battle -
Even after several hours, after dinner, more searching, a fire, and a movie
I still had to fight tears....
Why am I writing all this?
Because so many people have said, " You are so brave. You are such an inspiration."
to which I respond,
"Brave, Schmave! No I'm not! I'm pretty ordinary-fighting the same battles as anyone else!!"
I do not have this all down - I do hit the wall (repeatedly!)
Sometimes I can drag myself back to faith-filled behavior (always with God's help!)-
Other times, NOT!
Truthfully, in the face of what others deal with -
griefs, loss and aloneness
illnesses and pain
discomforts
heartaches and hopelessness
the inability to do simple things
not being able to move or walk, to sit up, to care for yourself
fear of test results or the pink slip or the verdict
staring death in the face every day or worse
seeing life as it is, with no hope of change and no end in sight
In the face of these things that truly warrant tears, that are real tragedies--
I am ashamed of my selfish reaction and behavior.
They are the brave ones -
tackling their obstacles daily -
some very alone in their agony
I am merely vocal!
What do you do when life is beating you up, or you're hosting a pity party?
Give thanks....Remember scripture-
So here we go - A bit repetitive, but I am a very slow learner, requiring lots of repetition...
I am thankful for
A level husband who can look at things positively
Being 2/3 of the way done with chemo
Friends who make this valley better by notes, pictures, mail, surprises, flowers, dinner!!
Friends of friends who don't even know me, yet pray for me!
Sunshine
Birds at the feeder and birdbath
Sweet memories of past blessings - too many to count
Beautiful, sparkly snow
Not having to shovel (thanks Todd, Dan and Dave!)
Going to Las Vegas with Todd (holding my breath for tomorrow's nurse appointment)
50 spf sunscreen so I don't fry to a crisp in the sun (sun sensitive due to chemo)
Feeling decent enough to drive and run a few errands
A soft pillow and warm blanket for when I come back from errands
A loving dog to walk
Him feeling good enough to want to walk(he is 13 and arthritic, so every day is a gift!)
Going to the gathering with Todd
Encouraging conversations at the gathering and at church yesterday
Going to church and the message - that I remember where I get everything from
Blueberry pancakes - homemade!
My Chiropractor - Dr. Dave Gustitus who helps keep me goin'!
Great Employment and insurance
God's word coming back to me through the haze of sleep/wakefulness
Remembering how God has blessed me in the past
My phone and computer
The generosity of friends, providing a getaway for us
Seeing friends who have moved - staying connected
Lotion to keep my hands from cracking
Warmer weather
Being privileged to pray for others
Walking
Strength to accomplish a few things-even if it isn't the whole list
Seeing the blessings that have come from this challenge
Seeing what God has done with my obedience to be vocal
Encouraging others with my journey
You
Is 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary (even when I keep messing up)
His understanding no one can fathom (He understands, even when I make no sense)
He gives strength to the weary (He will provide what I need)
and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary and
young men stumble and fall (so I shouldn't feel bad about stumbling)
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength (renew it!)
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint. (this season will end)
Ps 23:1-4
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures(naps are good)
He leads me beside quite waters
He restores my soul (there is hope, I won't always feel so despairing)
He guides me in paths of righteousness(away from my lost paths, but I have to follow!)
for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley (walk through, not live in - this will end!)
of the shadow of death (the shadow of death, not death itself)
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.....(I am not alone)
John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
(I will have trouble-big or small, but Christ wins and because I am in Him, I win too!)
Ex 14:14 + Ps 46:10
The Lord will fight for you - you need only be still ...and know that I am God...
Ro 8:6b
the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace
Gal 5:22
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness and self control...(no pity parties!)
Matt 28:20
I am with you always, to the very end of the age....
Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God!
God's peace to you and blessings on your week!
Yesterday I had a melt down -- It was disproportionate to the cause.
Saturday I took 3 naps so I could go with Todd to a work function. I was thrilled to be there and be a part of his world again. Sunday, we slept in and went to late service and I took a long nap. (These naps are different than my former power naps where I sleep and wake within 20 min and am refreshed. These naps, I pass out and wake up groggy and exhausted.) When I woke up, I realized that one of my earrings was gone. Normally this would have made me sad, I would have looked for it, pouted and gotten over it. Well this time, not so much! I couldn't find it. When I mentally moved it from "misplaced" to "lost", I started to cry -- What started out,
"It was a favorite earring, made for me by a former client-a beautiful, irreplaceable item" turned into:
"I'm sick of feeling yucky - throw upy -
I'm sick of indigestion
I'm sick of being tired
I'm sick of not sleeping at night
I'm sick of napping all the time and waking up crabby, exhausted, and grumpy
I'm sick of my hair falling out
I'm sick of food and water tasting gross
I'm sick of not being able to focus and see correctly (chemo changes your eyes too)
I'm sick of being overwhelmed by "normal" tasks
I'm sick of blowing my nose all the time (chemo response - not the cold any more)
I'm sick of cold sores and mouth sores
I'm sick of having no energy
I'm sick of extreme responses to "normal" things........
I'm sick of doing something and being exhausted for 2 days
I'm sick of not doing things and still being exhausted
I'm sick of this game!! And I want my earring back!"
You get the drift.....
Did I mention, pray for Todd? He said, " It'll turn up" and I just wanted to hit him! :) in a loving way, of course!
My pity party had spun out of control...
I would love to say that I thought of all this scripture, and I turned my attitude around....
Truthfully though, I did think of scripture, and I did talk to God, but the tears and frustration had sat down and made themselves quite comfortable and I was having a really hard time showing them the door! I didn't really win that battle -
Even after several hours, after dinner, more searching, a fire, and a movie
I still had to fight tears....
Why am I writing all this?
Because so many people have said, " You are so brave. You are such an inspiration."
to which I respond,
"Brave, Schmave! No I'm not! I'm pretty ordinary-fighting the same battles as anyone else!!"
I do not have this all down - I do hit the wall (repeatedly!)
Sometimes I can drag myself back to faith-filled behavior (always with God's help!)-
Other times, NOT!
Truthfully, in the face of what others deal with -
griefs, loss and aloneness
illnesses and pain
discomforts
heartaches and hopelessness
the inability to do simple things
not being able to move or walk, to sit up, to care for yourself
fear of test results or the pink slip or the verdict
staring death in the face every day or worse
seeing life as it is, with no hope of change and no end in sight
In the face of these things that truly warrant tears, that are real tragedies--
I am ashamed of my selfish reaction and behavior.
They are the brave ones -
tackling their obstacles daily -
some very alone in their agony
I am merely vocal!
What do you do when life is beating you up, or you're hosting a pity party?
Give thanks....Remember scripture-
So here we go - A bit repetitive, but I am a very slow learner, requiring lots of repetition...
I am thankful for
A level husband who can look at things positively
Being 2/3 of the way done with chemo
Friends who make this valley better by notes, pictures, mail, surprises, flowers, dinner!!
Friends of friends who don't even know me, yet pray for me!
Sunshine
Birds at the feeder and birdbath
Sweet memories of past blessings - too many to count
Beautiful, sparkly snow
Not having to shovel (thanks Todd, Dan and Dave!)
Going to Las Vegas with Todd (holding my breath for tomorrow's nurse appointment)
50 spf sunscreen so I don't fry to a crisp in the sun (sun sensitive due to chemo)
Feeling decent enough to drive and run a few errands
A soft pillow and warm blanket for when I come back from errands
A loving dog to walk
Him feeling good enough to want to walk(he is 13 and arthritic, so every day is a gift!)
Going to the gathering with Todd
Encouraging conversations at the gathering and at church yesterday
Going to church and the message - that I remember where I get everything from
Blueberry pancakes - homemade!
My Chiropractor - Dr. Dave Gustitus who helps keep me goin'!
Great Employment and insurance
God's word coming back to me through the haze of sleep/wakefulness
Remembering how God has blessed me in the past
My phone and computer
The generosity of friends, providing a getaway for us
Seeing friends who have moved - staying connected
Lotion to keep my hands from cracking
Warmer weather
Being privileged to pray for others
Walking
Strength to accomplish a few things-even if it isn't the whole list
Seeing the blessings that have come from this challenge
Seeing what God has done with my obedience to be vocal
Encouraging others with my journey
You
Is 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary (even when I keep messing up)
His understanding no one can fathom (He understands, even when I make no sense)
He gives strength to the weary (He will provide what I need)
and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary and
young men stumble and fall (so I shouldn't feel bad about stumbling)
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength (renew it!)
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint. (this season will end)
Ps 23:1-4
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures(naps are good)
He leads me beside quite waters
He restores my soul (there is hope, I won't always feel so despairing)
He guides me in paths of righteousness(away from my lost paths, but I have to follow!)
for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley (walk through, not live in - this will end!)
of the shadow of death (the shadow of death, not death itself)
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.....(I am not alone)
John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
(I will have trouble-big or small, but Christ wins and because I am in Him, I win too!)
Ex 14:14 + Ps 46:10
The Lord will fight for you - you need only be still ...and know that I am God...
Ro 8:6b
the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace
Gal 5:22
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness and self control...(no pity parties!)
Matt 28:20
I am with you always, to the very end of the age....
Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God!
God's peace to you and blessings on your week!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
2/3 of the way done with chemo!
Side effects include but are not limited to nausea, stinging/tingling hands that drop everything, facial swelling, hands swelling and cracking, lethargy, sleep induced by benedryl to take down the swelling, everything tasting off and just feeling yucky in general.
Very thankful to be this far - starting to feel a little more like a person than a zombie--though not much more... can feel the weakness growing...have not exercised at all....
We had a beautiful snowfall that was very heavy and my sweet husband went out to fill the birdfeeders in all the snow....it is so hard to ask for help....wonder if I will ever learn to ask without feeling guilty about it...We were blessed by our neighbors who spent a long time clearing our driveway -- Did I mention it was heavy snow??? Thank you friends!
I am thankful for
snowblowing neighbors
the power coming back on
medicine
to kill the cancer,
to manage the nausea,
to manage the mouth sores
to manage the cracked hands
a soft couch and warm blankey
beautiful snow to look at
not having to go out in the snow!
my sweet dog
my wonderful neighbors that walk him when I can't
great food that just magically appears at our house
garden magazines and fresh bread delivered to my doorstep
friends stopping in to visit me
lotion to help my crackly hands
safe travel for family and friends
internet, texting and phone conversations that keeps me connected to friends
the heated birdbath that keeps the birds coming, providing entertainment
that I am 2/3 done with this yucky game!
God sending me reminders from his word of his love
Zeph 3:17 The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you
He willl quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
Zech 4:6 This is the word of the Lord (to me):
"Not by might, nor by power but by my spirit," says the Lord Almighty"
Thanks for checking in --Blessings to you!
Very thankful to be this far - starting to feel a little more like a person than a zombie--though not much more... can feel the weakness growing...have not exercised at all....
We had a beautiful snowfall that was very heavy and my sweet husband went out to fill the birdfeeders in all the snow....it is so hard to ask for help....wonder if I will ever learn to ask without feeling guilty about it...We were blessed by our neighbors who spent a long time clearing our driveway -- Did I mention it was heavy snow??? Thank you friends!
I am thankful for
snowblowing neighbors
the power coming back on
medicine
to kill the cancer,
to manage the nausea,
to manage the mouth sores
to manage the cracked hands
a soft couch and warm blankey
beautiful snow to look at
not having to go out in the snow!
my sweet dog
my wonderful neighbors that walk him when I can't
great food that just magically appears at our house
garden magazines and fresh bread delivered to my doorstep
friends stopping in to visit me
lotion to help my crackly hands
safe travel for family and friends
internet, texting and phone conversations that keeps me connected to friends
the heated birdbath that keeps the birds coming, providing entertainment
that I am 2/3 done with this yucky game!
God sending me reminders from his word of his love
Zeph 3:17 The Lord your God is with you
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you
He willl quiet you with his love
He will rejoice over you with singing
Zech 4:6 This is the word of the Lord (to me):
"Not by might, nor by power but by my spirit," says the Lord Almighty"
Thanks for checking in --Blessings to you!
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