So thankful! Happy dance!
Weight is up (carbs are my downfall! And hydration has contributed to that also)
Walking is down-gotta get back on that
Drinking fluids is a real struggle
Sleep is ok
Some headaches from the drugs
Continuous runny nose - yuck
Energy is pretty good
Liver hurting somewhat :(
Have been re-admitted to home health care to receive hydration 3 x a week at home in hopes of minimizing the nausea which really has gotten difficult to manage...I have 3 oral anti nausea medications and am supposed to take them in concert - however, one of them puts me to sleep powerfully....it is a little difficult to live life when you fall into a sound sleep! Taking the other two does not work quite as effectively. This leads to eating carbs to try and control the nausea which is why my weight is up :( [and pls don’t tell me a little extra weight is good! I get it, but it is the bad kind- right around my middle, that is said to drive cancer!]
Home health care is a different experience. They are teaching me to do my own hook ups, flush offs and disconnects. It is the weirdest thing to be working on myself. Pretty hard to see also as the port is set high on my chest wall. I’m learning tho. Not sure how long I’ll be able to stay in home health care...insurance will decide that. When I am hooked up for hydration, it is gravity driven (as opposed to pump driven, which the chemo is administered through. This means that the first time I did it, even running at the fastest speed it took almost 4 1/2 hours. Those of you who know me well can imagine how crazy I was going being tethered to this IV pole and unable to do things! We got around this though! Todd figured out how to wedge it up on the kitchen counter (yay for vaulted ceilings) and now it gets done in about 2 1/2 hours instead! Much better!
PSA - Here is a life hack for transporting lots of various medication in my purse -- use a contact lens case or two - they are small and seal well. For reference, on my phone, I keep the pill names and markings so I can be sure to get the right medicine lol! I have to use 2 cases for all my stuff - but it beats the clunky "pill minders."
When I have walked, (which has not been really often) it is obvious that I have lost lots of muscle and stamina, which makes me sad and also a little bit scared- it is so easy to lose your strength - so hard to get it back! My self discipline seems to be awol these days! My flexibility has greatly diminished also, which is not good. Lots to work on!
Drinking anything seems to get harder and harder, which is why the hydration is such a blessing. Last fall a friend gave me a pound of Pau D’Arco tea. At that time, I did not have energy to figure it out and learn what to do with it. In view of the progression, I am more desperate and when I found it in the cabinet, immediately started brewing and drinking! It is said to have powerful anti viral, anti fungal and anti cancerous properties. It’s been around and used for a very long time in South America. Praying that perhaps this is one avenue that God will use to slow the progression.
Sleeping is something that I am doing more of lately, which is scary and discouraging. I know that sleeping more can be healing, but it can also be because the cancer is progressing....Two years ago, my sleeping more is what made Todd think something was up even before the pain started. It does make it difficult to live life the way I want to when I keep having to take a nap! Argh! I should not complain though - at least I am not throwing up like last time!
The weather here is so uplifting - I have gotten to be out in the garden several days in a row, puttering around - though today, the santa ana winds about blew me away! Being outside in the beautiful weather lifts my heart so much! Nothing like playin’ in the dirt to make me happy!
Todd continues to be my special gift from God, my joy—lifting my spirits daily- making difficult things seem bearable, even laughable - continuously encouraging me and making light of dumb things like when I forget to take my pain medicine (!) or lose my words- lol! He makes up songs and sings them to me - so silly but unbelievably comforting! I am so thankful for him and very blessed....
People still tell me how great I look. My continuous response is to point heavenward and say, “ Its God!” I believe with all my heart that the reason I am doing so well is because of all of you praying for me - banging on heavens gates in my/our behalf. Even when I feel sick, I do not really look too sick. Sometimes I’m pretty pale, or pretty flushed, but overall my appearance would not attract any unusual attention. I am so thankful for God’s mercy to me thus far. When we are at the doctor’s office and I see these poor people - shells of themselves, in wheelchairs, or with walkers, pasty yellow, grey or green, unable to smile for feeling so miserable, it smaks me in the face that I am unusual - a walking miracle!
Most of the time my spirits are pretty good — but sometimes the reality, gravity and finality of my situation overwhelms me. Fear is so real I feel like I can touch it...As you can imagine, tears flow unstoppably, sobbing...the thought of not being here with/for Todd and the kids is so incredibly painful...I understand what a broken heart means...It is so hard to not play the “why me” game - and yet when that pops into my head I really have to shove it aside — I am so blessed - I force myself to say, “ I trust you Lord” even when I can hardly get the words out and even when I don’t really feel all that trusting. The peace follows the words. My broken heart is not shattered yet — I have been given this third chance (2nd was the first diagnosis in 2011) to live, to really live and I am trying my best to do so with a thankful trusting heart - even if it’s rather teary. In Isaiah 61:1 it says God sent Christ to bind up the broken hearted and that’s what I feel like he does when I finally stop crying...He patches together my broken heart and gives me joy and peace to live another day - to relish the time I have here - to look for His work, His appointments... to thank and praise Him. This passage goes on and talks about God comforting all who mourn and that He will provide a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair! He does for me every day! Don’t kid yourself that I go long stretches without crying and grieving! Tears and deep grief are never, ever far from me! I memorized this section years ago - never realizing how treasured it would be to me!
When you are feeling like the world is beating up on you - remember to be thankful—look around - there is always something to be thankful for! Trust God to bind up your broken heart and to bless you with “a garment of praise” — but you have to trust and give thanks and do the praising! He will help you get to that place!
I continue to dwell with great thanks and praise on all the things that I was able to do over Christmas and all the celebrations that I was a part of....God is rich in his mercy! That I am as sick as I am, yet can do as much as I do is a miracle. It’s not everyday you get your own personal miracle! However, I am well aware that every morning I open my eyes is really a miracle. We are unbelievably thankful to God and also to you for your faithful prayers for us! You are making such a huge difference!
Thanks for checkin’ in!
