Side effects the same--mouth sores, tingly hands, thinning hair, unfocused eyes, indigestion -
Same effects, different day -- but it could be so much worse!
A friend asked me to paint a picture of what it felt like when I was on the full dose of chemo compared to how I feel now. Without remembering how awfull it was, I cannot be fully thankful for how good I feel now.
On a chemo day, chemo's 1-8, as I would sit in the chair getting my infusion, it would feel as though someone was draining all the blood out of me and replacing it with lead. I would feel heavy and exhausted. It would take all my efforts to walk out of the clinic and drive home. In the beginning, I tried to check off an errand on the way home, because that is when you feel the best. As the chemo's progressed this was not even something I thought of anymore. I was too exhausted. My skin tone would go through a rainbow of colors--yellow and grey being the predominant colors - then bright flushed pink...I would sleep a lot. The more anti-nausea medication and benedryl that I took to feel better and prevent swelling, the more I slept. Had y'all not brought meals, or Todd fixed something for me, I would not have eaten -- it was just too much work. I never thought about what tasks didn't get done -- I didn't really think much -- it was all very hazy. On the good days, I would get dressed and rest - go to Bible study - come home and sleep hard. I always had to build in margin time in case I needed to crash. Everything was a huge effort -- but worth being able to do things. My mind would not work well--I forgot so many things - names of people I new well - events that were big things! I can best describe it as living in a thick fog, with heavy weights on my wrists and ankles, and cotton candy in my head instead of a brain!
Since they reduced the 5FU and removed the oxalyplatin, I truly am a different person. I don't nap much anymore. My energy is still not totally there, but it is much more like my old self than it was. I can walk more briskly than just plodding while hanging on to Todd for dear life. Trips up the stairs are not the huge task that they were. My mind is a bit clearer [no nasty jokes here :)] and I can actually think about something and realize if I am not on the right track--though there are still big gaps in my memory --- yuck!
I am "with it" enough to realize all the things that have been undone over the last year and a half and to have them bug me. When I try to accomplish something, I keep it a "bite sized" task and most of the time I accomplish it - unless of course, my mind gets distracted and I start another "bite-sized" task, or 2 or 3......the ADD in me has not diminished!
Why spend all the ink on the before and after? Before I had cancer, it never crossed my mind to be thankful for being able to carry a load of laundry upstairs without thinking about it. When I was so sick, just getting up the stairs didn't happen unless there was someone to help me.
I never thought about doing things--my energy was never a factor in my life. It was always there - tho sometimes a Starbucks or dark chocolate were needed to keep going -- but I could always work and get things done.
Until you have been unable to do more than look at something and wish you could do it, it is impossible to truly appreciate your energy. It is such a gift just to be able to BE, with all your faculties intact. I have never fully appreciated
-being able to take a shower without worrying about bandages and pumps
-turning over in bed without dealing with pumps and tubes
-wearing clothes without wondering if my port was covered
-how good water tastes
-breathing crisp winter air without it paralyzing my throat
-the beautiful blue skies and the brightness of the grass
-the joy of the goldfinches turning bright yellow again
-the merry chirp of the robins or them splashing in my birdbath
-the unbelievable joy of having my whole family together
-the love that others have shared through their prayers and their help
-the peace of sitting in the sunshine and petting Chance
-the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing basic tasks like cleaning my house
-the incredible feeling of sharing God with someone
-the total calm that comes when you know that even though life is awful - God is with you
A friend once said, never forget how awful the bad times are.
I understand now, that those awful times have caused a deep thankfulness to God for all aspects of life-particularly the most basic ones.
Another lesson from the desert -
never take your life, your energy,
your ability to accomplish a task, enjoy nature or love someone
for granted!
It is a special gift from God to you!
Ps 103:2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
Have a blessed Good Friday -
Thanks for checkin' in!
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