Chemo 14 - Done

Nausea is persistent - often on all 3 oral nausea medications at once!   Yuck!
Very tired
Pain is managed
Hands and feet continuing to be cracked etc - thanks for the lotion some of you sent!
A new development is that my skin is getting crepey and wrinkly - never a dull moment!
Stitch from port removed-- finally!
Still eating a broader range of foods than just carbs - tho that's what I gravitate toward
Feeling good enough to enjoy some living-but I end up very weary.
Headaches accompany the disconnect shot for about 5 days- yuck!
Emotions, grief and anxiety continue to pick away at both of us....
   Ps 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

In the genre of "the rollercoaster of a serious illness", we spoke with Oasis of Hope and were discouraged.  It was not the doc I spoke to before. It was  one I had not spoken with for almost a year and I was frustrated because he did not have all my records in front of him.  Further, he quickly recommended that I come back for a 3 week stay (they had spoken about a 1 week "tune-up" stay before I left there last year) and he wanted me to take all the supplements that they sent me home with.  When I explained that I had been unable to tolerate them because they made me sick, he suggested cutting the dose of some of them by half....When I asked whether he had looked at the image, he said that he had and that there was very little difference but that the liver was where all the change was.  
At the end of our conversation, I felt discouraged and defeated.  The thought of going back on that extremely strict diet (4 animal protein meals out of 21, no gluten, no dairy, no sugar) and all the struggles cooking for that kind of a diet- (not that I did that - my kind husband  made all those recipes happen!) the thought of struggling to live like that again with all the supplements making me even sicker than chemo already is was simply too much for both of us. And that did not even scratch the monetary effect of his suggestion!  I can't tell you how down in the dumps I was--we spoke Thursday evening after I got disconnected so I had a building headache as well. Fortunately the next day was somewhat better and we were somewhat more upbeat, but not much! 
I plan to try to contact the doctor who I spoke with last time and the time before...We'll see what happens...

On the uphill portion of the roller coaster, several dear friends blessed me by helping me hostess a table for our Lancer Ladies Luncheon - similar to an Advent by Candlelight but with a boutique to accomplish some Christmas shopping!  I wanted so badly to host a table but did not have the energy to decorate it (and that is quite an elaborate undertaking!) nor to do all the inviting.  One dear friend helped me with the invitations and another did all the decorating, including providing the desert!  I was so blessed to be able to go!  Afterword I took a 2 hour nap, sleeping like a rock!  

Back down the roller coaster --This chemo has been a bit different again -- I woke up Wed morning nauseated -- usually that would wait til Thursday!  I have been sleeping a lot more again which scares me because it makes me wonder if the cancer is growing more....

On Monday before chemo, I went in to see the surgeon who placed my port.  The stitch that had been bothering me for months finally got to be "Too Much!"  It had a nasty habit of rising thru the skin to catch on my clothes like a sliver would and then receding into the skin as soon as I thought about picking up a tweezers to grab it, as the doctor told me to do.  In fact, 4-5 different times I ended up ripping off a small chunk of skin in my efforts to grab the stitch!  Ouch!!!  
When I went it, it ended up being a big stinkin' deal.  I got admitted as an out patient - lotsa forms to fill out - gowned up and left to wait.  Finally the surgeon was able to come and work on me.  The injection of local pain killer hurt so badly it made me cry.  I've never experienced pain like that.  He said it was because it was shooting through scar tissue -- I just know I never want that again!  It was horrible.  After that it was rather odd to be lying there awake and feeling the tugs and cuts tho they did not hurt.  He worked on me for over 1/2 an hour!  We even chatted a bit.  I thought surely he had grabbed ahold of the stitch but he said, "no, I'm looking for it!"  Told you it would hide!  Finally he got it.  It was the tail of one of the two permanent stitches that adhere the port to my chest wall.  He was able to remove the tail without disturbing the knot, for which I was very thankful.  When he began to stitch me up though, there was not enough slack in the skin so I ended up super glued together with steri strips holding it all together!  Fortunately the nurses the next day did not get all in a tizzy about my fresh wound.  Also fortunately, the dressing that they use on me because of my tape problem had enough room to go around the port and around the new incision.  By now I am over the pain of the incision except for a few stray shooting pains.  The steri strips are starting to loosen - so I'm trying to keep them on so they don't come off too early.  

So there you go - the latest and greatest in the story of my journey -Not too thrilling!

On a more exciting front - we are awaiting the birth of our second grand daughter and praying for momma and child 
and
we are counting down days til our son's wedding!  3 weeks!  
So thankful for having fun things to look forward to like Christmas! 

We focus on the good things to combat the attacks of grief and sadness.  
Thankful for 
safety during the crazy santa ana winds all last week
safety from fires
for faithful friends who help us out with everything from rides, grocery shopping, praying with me or with Todd, setting a lovely table, fixing food for us, making phone calls and especially praying for us!    
technology that keeps us connected - 
    so blessed to get to watch my new almost daughter in love's recital!  so talented!
    blessed by the frequent phone calls, texts, e-mails, fb messages from friends and family
christmas stollen - no it's not organic, but i eat only a little and it makes me think of
    Christmas with my parents and grandparents
the silly little bird that perches up above my rose bush, safely tucked out of the winds
neighbors who are kind and caring 
soft pillow and warm bed to sleep in
anti nausea medicine to keep me feeling a bit better
clean water 
birds who play in my fountain
flowers that bloom even though it is Winter 
Advent that reminds us of the amazing gift of our Savior...

Luke 1:38 sticks with me.  I admire Mary's courage - her simple faith. 

  "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered.  "May your word to me be fulfilled."  
Praying that I can be as courageous in what God calls me to face....l.

Blessings to y'all!  Thanks for checkin in!  

Thankful for "Mild" and "Stable"

Pet Scan last Wednesday - "Mild Progression" is the summary which is better than "progression!"
Chemo 13 kicked my butt!

Pain from growing tumor is managed now

Nausea worse and lasting around the clock for the first week, better this week

Pretty much feel like I have the flue most of the time 

Feet and hands peeling/cracking badly

Mouth sores from last round still flaring up - one just will not go away! 

Dropped a few pounds which is fine- still have a good appetite

Eating smaller amounts more frequently to try and curb the nausea 

Struggling to sleep at night  — fear and sadness are twin companions but God grants peace here and there.  

At the PET scan a week ago,  just after I got the radioactive shot, I threw up!  That has never happened before!  Through all my chemo rounds, I have never thrown up!   Fortunately, there were no dry heaves, but I felt pretty icky.  Lying still was tough, but my tech worked extra hard to make me comfortable!  She remembered me from last time and felt bad that I was so much worse off - she remembered how chipper I was and this time was really not!  

I felt too bad to take advantage of any of the lovely invitations for Thanksgiving, so my fantastic Chef Todd whipped up a traditional thanksgiving meal - complete with pumpkin pie!  He is amazing!  I am blessed!  

I did get the report from my PET scan, and my beloved, personal analyst evaluated every tumor and charted it all out to show that while some tumors are growing a little bit, some have completely changed shape The "glow factor" or SUV was slightly elevated also across the board as well.  There was one tumor that I need to ask about - it was listed with only one measurement that had a high SUV (7) that the report says "This finding is probably new."  I don't get what that means.  It's either new, or it's not!  However, it is not good that he thinks it is new.  

Next Tuesday is my next chemo appointment and I'll talk to the oncologist then.  I am sending the findings off to Oasis of Hope to see what they say.  There the doctors actually look at the pictures and put them side by side with prior images.  Hopefully will hear back from them Tues. or Wed.   

  

We were blessed by a call with my oncologist's nurse practitioner.  She stressed that while there is mild progression in the liver, everything else is relatively stable and stability is what they are looking/hoping for.  She said that the chemo still had the cancer under control (which I don't understand if it is growing anywhere....) Regarding increasing the amount of chemo that I am receiving. (I am currently getting 80% of the amount that I could get for my height and weight)  she said that the doctor was recommending not increasing the amount of the chemo because the growth is so slight.  However,  she will order some extra tests that will determine if I am a candidate for "targeted therapy", which evidently is a different kind of treatment which up to this point we have not heard of.  Bottom line from my conversation with her, I'm thankful it is "mild" and that everything else is "stable" but it is still very troublesome that anything would grow while on chemo...

I’m trying hard to live in the present and not be fearful but it is rugged going these days!  On my phone, there is a long list of scripture memory verses in the notes section, so when I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep, I can read those and it helps calm the fears!  

Despite the growth while on chemo, we are choosing be thankful that I got this heads-up to be extra diligent with my diet over the holidays.  It also has caused me to realize that I have gotten lax with doing my other protocols.  This happened due to travel and forgetfulness and feeling gross.  It is motivating me to get back to charting my protocols...

We are also choosing to pray that God will work another miracle and allow me to live in a “peaceful co-existance” with this tumor — that the chemo would keep it in check and that life could continue as it has been, with me being a “walking miracle.”  It sure would be nice if God demonstrated his love for us by doing what we want, the way we want it - but that is NOT how He operates and it would be really dangerous for me to equate His love with things going the way I want!  He does love me and having me walk this path is serving His purpose that I do not understand.   We stand firmly on Phil 4:13 - We can do all things thru Christ who strengthens us!

As we counted our blessings, y’all figured so largely in the list!  Thank you so much for the kind notes, comments, gifts messages and e-mails - they have blessed us immeasurably!  Let us enter the Advent season, continuously thanking Him for all situations in our lives - not just those that go our way!  Much love to each of you! Thanks for checking in!  

Chemo Delay-Prayers please-Fear Stalks

Sorry for the long gap between posts! Between livin' it up and no internet at our house (long story) just have not gotten to post!  So here goes--

Very thankful for a relatively easy chemo #12, now almost 3 weeks ago
Delayed chemo by 1 week to build some memories-
     back to back trips to Iowa and then a trip to Cabo San Lucas, that was thanks to the generosity of friends!
Mouth sores bothering me sporadically
Better sleeping due to reduced steroids (I think)
Nausea a little better, seem to be able to eat a broader variety of things, not just potatoes and pizza
Skin is not doing as well on hands and feet - feels dry, papery and peely
Hot flashes are a pain - was done with those for 2 years and to have them back is adding insult to injury!
Have hardly lost any hair the last 3 chemos-lol shoulda’ gotten the wigs earlier!
Not walking as much
Got to visit our son in Iowa :) -Traveled ok, despite chemo
Thrilled to spend a few days with my son and daughter-in-love to be-nice to be able to help them a little bit here and there.
Enjoying the fall colors and the crisp cold fall air so much —
Loved playing with their cat- an outdoor cat-a tiny fierce calico mouser - 3 kills in one day!

Blessed by some generous friends that I landed back home on Thursday night and flew out on Saturday morning for adventures in Cabo San Lucas!  They spoiled us rotten!  It’s amazing to me how God continues to pour out his blessings on us through our friends!  They are so loving and giving!
In a casual conversation with another friend, Todd discovered they were going to be in Cabo at the same time, and they invited us on a deep sea fishing jaunt!  Never have done that before! Got to see a huge hammerhead shark up close and personal! My tender heart was thrilled that they practiced catch and release!
Sitting by the water soaking up the sun was good medicine!  We are so blessed!  I am so thankful for the love and generosity of our friends...
So much good to report.....

HOWEVER....
We ask for your specific prayers
I can feel that one of the tumors in my gut has grown again....
For a tumor to grow while on chemo is a very bad sign.
When we started this, my doctor hoped to get me to our son’s wedding in December....
We asked God for a miracle and here I am
Now we are asking God that I continue to be the walking miracle that He has blessed me to be thus far...

It is amazing how life changes in a few seconds - ask anyone who has watched a baby be born, or who has ushered a parent home to heaven...Fear is powerful....but our God is greater....

I have often gotten on a soapbox about memorizing scripture as many of you know.  What is in your heart God can bring to the surface when you need it.  I will tell you though, (in the interests of opening a window into my world) that when fear broadsides you, it is very difficult to remember anything!  The devil truly seeks to bury you in fear....it is like suffocating - you desperately grasp and claw for something that will help you breath....

Then God brought me Ps 23 -

I am your shepherd -
     you will lack nothing(as in, “you are a kinda dumb, weak little sheep - I got this-as I always have!”)
I’ll guide you to green pastures with quiet water for you to drink from and rest
I’ll restore your soul
I’ll lead you in paths of righteousness (not easy paths)
When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death you will be with us - we don’t have to do this alone...
My cup overflows....
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever....

He also brought to mind Josh 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!  Do not be terrified,
Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go!

And as I kept asking God to bring me comfort, he brought other verses to me like:
Is 43:1-3 Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name You are mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,
When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep you away
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.
The flames will not set you ablaze for I am the Lord your God....

Ps 34:19 A righteous man has many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.

And then I went for my memory verse cards...
Ps 30:5 weeping may remain for the night but joy comes in the morning

James 1:2-4 consider it pure joy my brothers (this is a little tough!) when you fave trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence and perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing....

Is 52:12 For the Lord will go before you and the God of Israel will be your rearguard

John 11:40 Then Jesus said, “ Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the Glory of God?”

Is 43:18–19 Stop dwelling on past events and brooding over days gone by.  I am about to do something new; this moment it will unfold.  Can you not perceive it?

Ps 42:5 Why so downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my savior and my God.

John 15:5 I am the vine. You are the branches.  If a man remain in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit.  Apart from me, you can do nothing.

Matt 19:25 With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible

Romans 8:6(b) The mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace

Ex 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still

Ps 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Jer 32:17 Lord nothing is too hard for you

Ps 73:23 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever....

Phil 4:11-13 For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need.  I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

Gen 15:1 Do not be afraid- I am your shield and your very great reward!

Zech 4:6 Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit says the Lord almighty!

Eph 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory!

Mark 9:23 Everything is possible to him who believes

Finally, my prayer
Jer 17:4 Heal me Lord and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved, for you are the one that I praise

I am deeply thankful for the walking miracle i have been and we are praying
that the chemo works more effectively
that I am not becoming immune to it
that God works another miracle and shrinks the tumor I feel and any that I do not feel
that fear is kept at bay by dwelling in thankfulness on all He has done
that God chooses to extend my life

Thank you for riding this rollercoaster with us!  We have much to be thankful for - and y’all are at the top of the list!
Thanks for checkin’ in!

Joy to Share

Chemo went ok - overall not as bad as It could be

Weight creeping up 

Mouthsores - starting but controlled

Walking more

Sleep is not good - can’t seem to sleep more than 6 hours and I’m supposed to get 8

Fatigue is lower than usual

Achey but ok

Port stitches still coming up throught 

Nausea managed - 

Learning to wear a wig successfully (that means without fiddling with it all the time!)

So very blessed by our Orange Lutheran High School family !  A group of them all pitched together and sent me money to purchase a second wig!!! I was so surprised!  They surprised me on my disconnect day - so I was quite out of it and kept mumbling,”thank you” while they bought my 2nd choice wig! Not only that, but they gave me enough money that I have a chunk leftover to put toward bucket list items!  I am absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from them!  “Thank you” seems so very weak compared to the thankfulness I feel!  Love them!

Blessed to be able to travel w Todd last weekend.  We flew on Friday after chemo (yikes!) to Orlando for a meeting and were able to see my brother in law and his family.  Tho nervous about flying that soon after chemo, I survived -- the worst part was sitting on the tarmac for an hour, mildly nauseated and feeling fluey!  After loading up on drugs and we made it through - very thankful no puke bags were involved - tho I had them at the ready!  

We only got to see them 1 day and then the next two I spent in bed!  Pure exhaustion!  Was so wonderful to lie in bed, watch HGTV(we do not have cable so this was a real treat!), fall asleep, and wake up, read, fall asleep and do it all over again- and then get dressed for dinner with friends -- yay! 

The most amazing miraculous thing was Tuesday tho -- and some will say that it is coincidence.  Coincidence explaines the energy, but not the joy!  Tuesday after the meeting finished, Todd and I went to Epcot (lots of memories here as we took our kids there when they were tiny) We got to the park about 1:30 and left the park at 9:30 after the fireworks!!  My phone said I walked 7.3 miles in one day!!!  

Back to the joy -- All day, it was as though there was this effervescent bubbling spring in my soul!  We had an absolute blast and made fun new memories!  In my opinion, the sleep accounted for the energy, but God blessed me with the joy!  

So why is this "different?"

Well, up until a few months ago, I have lived pretty stoically, (Germans are not known for their joy filled, fun personalities or for laughing a lot or for "playing")   Without getting into all the details, tho much of my life has looked perfect, it has been far from that!  My relationship with my parents was rocky at best.   They loved me very much, but we spoke different love languages and I was a bit of a rebel (shocking, I am sure!).  This all lead to trouble in many other areas of my life.  I have wrestled with depression, perfectionism, spiritual warfare, marital issues, parenting issues, lack of self confidence and that is in incomplete list! 

----Yet, despite all these things, we adopted Todd's 1/2 brother when we were 26 and he was 16, and in addition have raised 2 amazing, Godly men and rejoice to see faith in our grand daughter!  I'm not bragging - the point of this is that I am painting this background because God is pushing me to offer HOPE. 

I could have gone seriously south at many points of my journey - but He was faithful and kept yanking me back from the various precipices.  Through this cancer journey, He has been the only thing that I could cling to. In clinging to him, particularly in the hopeless times, he taught me that joy comes from dwelling with him.  It sounds impossible, and humanly speaking it is.  Yet when you go back to scripture promises in your dark times, joy begins to grow.  As you force your feet to walk the path you don't want to walk, and choose to praise Him anyway, peace becomes your companion and the joy continues to grow in tiny increments.  

I have had the feeling for the last several months that my spirit was lighter and I came to recognize this joy that was unfamiliar to me...and I believe it is an ongoing process.  

It's taken a cancer journey to heal my heart?  My spirit?  

Yep! 

I am a different woman than I was in October of 2011.  God had to blow up my life to teach me a loving lesson.  I am more optomistic, more positive, sillier, hopefully funnier, more spontaneous, less caring of what people will say -- I am learning to play again - grandchildren have a way of teaching you that!  Praise God for such a joyful lesson!  

So where is all this going?  

What was a horrible diagnosis has shattered the way that I lived.  It has taught me to live with thankfulness and joy - and it just bubbles up.  Hopefully I have a long time to practise living this carefree, joyful way of life! 

So what?

Maybe something is not perfect in your life. Maybe you want to live a life of significance.  Maybe you feel part of you is broken. Been there, done all of that! 

I did not know about this kind of joy to ask for it and I'm not sure I would have had the guts to ask, because I didn't feel "good enough."    

My dear friend - God can use anything submitted to him and bring about a miracle that you cannot envision.    He did not create you just to use up oxygen and take up space.  He loves you and He is able to do abundantly, immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine! 

Give him your broken pieces. Watch for the picture to form as He makes a beautiful mosaic out of the broken bits.  It's taken 6 years so far, so be patient - God specializes in miracles!  

Thankful for:

Feeling good and having energy

Friends that care about me feeling good about myself, enough to buy me a wig!

Friends that gave so much that I have funds left over for bucket list items!

Friends that drive me around, run errands and help me cook and clean

A memorable joyful energetic day with the love of my life

Drugs that allow me to travel more comfortably

The board my husband serves on that seeks to make a difference for many schools

Winter finally arriving in SoCal

Family

The lessons that only children and grandchildren can teach 

Air travel to be able to see my family

Scripture memory work that keeps me company when I cannot sleep

Friends all over the nation

God doing more than I could remotely ask or imagine

That God loves to make broken pieces into masterpieces

Love to y'all! Thanks for checkin' in!

Flying High

Chemo 11 tomorrow I hope
Energy good
Nausea managed
Gaining weight
Still not walking enough
Cold on the way out -bloody noses still bothering me
Skin on hands and feet very troublesome - cracking/splitting
Diet has not been very good - gotta get back at it

Last chemo was slightly better than they had been, but I got a wicked headache on Friday -a reaction to the neulasta shot after disconnect.  Fortunately the excedrin for headaches knocked it down but it took the better part of the day to grab - lying in bed withe tears trickling into your ears is not comfortable, nor does it improve the headache! Aside from that though, the nausea did not last as long, not much hair fell out, the mouth sores were not as bad and did not last as long either! I am hesitant to get too excited because each chemo is different - but the ease of symptoms was a nice switch....

Have done a lot of wrestling with my wig - learning how to keep it on my petite head without using 30 bobby pins - lol.  If you cinch the adjusting strap too tight you get a headache, and if you don't cinch it tight enough, it slides back on my head...Trying to find that fine line!  Thanks for all the sweet compliments on it! Several people have asked if I got it cut for me and the answer is no - this is how this particular wig lies - so blessed! 
I have done a lot of sharing how hard this cancer journey is and wanted to share some joy with you --
This last Friday night, after a long nap, I got to go to my first OLu football game in over a year.  A friend that took me to chemo said she was going to the game, but would not be staying for the whole game. As it turned out, she was willing to give me a ride home 1/2 thru the third quarter!  Does not sound like a big deal - except that for me, it was huge!!  You can't really ask someone to take you to a game and leave before it is finished. Todd stays til the kids have walked off the field - by which point, exhaustion would have won!  That's why it's been over a year - because on good nights, I turn into a pumpkin about 9 p.m.
It was such a joy to go and be with Todd in his world, the world we used to share all the time, to see the kids, to see so many friends that I have not seen in so very long! I was just absolutely bouncing - so happy - chattering away with everyone...such fun!  It meant so much to Todd to have me there also!  Such a gift!

Saturday afternoon, I felt good enough to go with Todd to a funeral, which was hard, but good.  I could not see having Todd go by himself to watch a friend commemorate his wife.....Thankful I could go and be with him.  The extra blessing was that one of our students sang for the funeral - and he is one of my favorite singers -- sounds like Josh Groban!  So though many kleenexes got used, I would not have missed it!

Then, by God's great grace, I felt good enough (after another very deep nap) to go out with Todd to Taste of OLu and thoroughly enjoyed every minute!  It was another evening of connecting with people I had not seen in a long time and talking non-stop for almost 5 hours.  I talked to more people in 29 hours than I had in the last 4 months!!! wow!

This was such a gift!  I felt almost like my old self!  My old self would have stayed for the whole game and stayed at the Taste of OLu to help clean up so it was not too far off.  Cannot tell you how happy it made me!  Todd too :) I know there is no "cure" for stage IV colon cancer.  But if I could live the rest of my life this energetic - boy would that be an incredible blessing!!!

An added bonus is that I got to work at the thrift shop several times in the last two weeks - that is my happy place because the people are amazing and inspiring!  And after working for 3 hours today, I felt good enough to come home and tackle my endless to-do list!  Thank you God for giving me the gumption to do that!  

Ecc 7:14 - When life is good,
    be happy!

On another note - so happy to hear from people how much they like the wig pictures!  Many had big smiles as we laughed together about them.  
Also, very, very humbled that many people said they loved my blog....
True confessions---it is sometimes really hard to write and I don't always feel like I have a lot to share because things have gotten pretty routine now and I don't want to waste your time - there is not lots "new" or dramatic to tell you. I am honored that y'all continue to come back and read about my journey and adventures even when it isn't dramatic - just the day-to-day plodding along and praying for God's intervention.  Thanks for walking with us - you make it so much better! 

Thankful for
life - every minute of it
air conditioning
scripture to grant comfort and cure insomnia
birds playing in my fountain
my fantastic husband who is willing to help me anything
taking a break from my diet a little bit and enjoying it so much!
family who reaches out and provides prayer coverage and distraction
our "in-laws" or family "in-love" who have embraced, prayed and supported us so faithfully, 
   demonstrating what real family is like
insurance saying it will cover my wig!!! (miracle! very thankful!)
God continuing to provide for us through friends who share time, gifts or service to us
a friend sending me beanies and scarves for days when I am lying down all day!
a friend leaving during the 3rd quarter
no Santa Ana winds coming when forecasted for over the weekend
friends who drive me everywhere
the small surge of self discipline today and the joy of accomplishment
drugs to combat all the side effects
the joy that bubbles up in my heart even when it's chemo tomorrow!


Thanks for checkin' in!

Small Chuckle - Big Inspiration

Since I last posted, we have had wildfires come close to us - close enough to be on the brink of evacuating with cars packed and the evacuation line 2 blocks from us for 2 days!  It is a sobering experience.  We are so thankful that the winds shifted and we were not directly affected, but our hearts break for those who lost homes...

Health wise - fine - not walking enough tho 
sleep, weight, mouth sores all ok  
nausea there, but manageable
snotty/bloody nose continues - sinuses are crazy! smoke does not help!
mouth sores, night sweats, hot flashes, fair
skin on hands and feet are bothering me quite a bit - got a prescription salve for them, 
    but skin on feet has cracked open in places :(

Some thoughts from the wildfire - 
until you have lived through a wildfire with high winds, you don't get it
how fast it goes - how fires can start anywhere from the embers - how smokey it is - how tough it is to make headway - how the choppers continuously come to the reservoir to dip and get water, their sound becoming the background rumble throughout your day - how thankful you are for the firefighters, police, chopper pilots - how moving it is to see people coming together to help each other out, whether it is with offers to pick up children from school, house pets, house people, haul horses, empty homes, feed firefighters, feed those stuck in shelters, or comfort each other in loss...This is the case in many disasters - though the details may be different...It restores your faith in mankind.

I will never forget watching on TV and seeing my friend's house and the fire creeping toward it...She was stuck in traffic with no access to TV.  Her home is in an area where 6 homes burned to the ground 2 blocks away so there was lots of footage of her area.  We were able to pick out her home, see the fire engine in the driveway and watch, horrified as the fire climbed the slope toward her house.  (I learned that fires climb slopes more quickly than descending slopes - your trivia for the day!) One angle was gut wrenching - showing the house with flames above her roof!!!  As I burst into tears, another TV angle showed that it was the canyon BEHIND her house that was in flames, and not her house! Miraculously, the distance between the flames and the house was about 15 feet and the house did not catch on fire!!!  God truly intervened! The flames raced past her home, continuing up the canyon,and the firefighter that was dousing the slope was able to get on top of it!  Yesterday I visited her home and saw God's hand so clearly - there was a band of green (1/2 of each of the bushes) all the way along her fence  - the homes on either side showed fire damage to their fences. The bushes outside the fence were completely black and burnt...Yes, God surely intervened!


There have been so many disasters lately, wildfires in Montana, Northern California and in our neighborhood; hurricanes and flooding in Florida,Texas and in between, the Las Vegas shooting and that says nothing about all the "regular" awful stuff that is on the news or friends who have health scares or debilitating illnesses....There is little enough to laugh about!  In an effort to bring you a smile, I'm posting some of my wig pictures as they seem to be of great interest to lots of people!  Hope these make you chuckle a bit!  

To make you further chuckle, I went through great exercises to get these silly pictures to load so if it looks funny, that's why!  Technology and I sometimes have different ideas about life! ugh!  

Thankful for 
our first responders, firefighters, EMTs and policemen who worked round the clock shifts 
    fighting these awful fires
friends who accompany me to chemo
friends who come to visit

family - by blood, faith, or friendship
Healthy Cookies
My wig
technology that keeps me connected to you

cooler temperatures

wind dying down

medicine

energy

Ginny's shop - my wig fitter

My wonderful husband

faith that keeps me going

ability to attend events, travel
my beautiful yard w birds and flowers

Asking for
chemo to keep working
self discipline to get stuff done and 
to walk

Because life is hard, here is inspiring video that a dear, courageous, friend did for our students at Olu.  It will be and encouragement to you- Be blessed!
https://youtu.be/p2eJqJC3pJo

He who dwells in the shelter of the most high, 

   will rest in the shadow of the almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "he is my refuge and my fortress,

   my God in whom I trust."

Ps 91

Thanks for checkin' in!

Perhaps Chemo 10

Chemo 10 tomorrow, Tues the 3rd, I hope
Eyes have gotten drier - cant wear contacts as long and they go out of focus
Cold is still hanging on...
Bloody nose which makes blowing my nose embarassing and tough w a cold
Hot flashes and night sweats from the chemo (happens 2nd week) are uncomfortable
Skin on hands cracking/uncomfortable
     Trying different lotions - thx to those who sent me some
Hair thinning still - seems to slow down on the off week - but the chemo week is awfull!
Drinking Water is still a problem - could not until 11 days after chemo
Looking at wigs and have narrowed it down - will post my new 'do when I get it!
Chemo could be 50/50 tomorrow because of several things:
     Switching insurance, which just took effect
     Calendar error - IV vit C infusion prior to routine blood draw-it may affect numbers adversely
     Cold (which they did not notice last time - hoping that happens again!)
Have not walked as much due to cold and lethargy
Weight holding

We have a week off with no company,  tho the B&B fills up this weekend for a week :) Thankful everyone is willing to help when they come.

A window into one of the things that rattles around in my head when I have nothing else to do - HA!
I am coming to the tough realization that I need to ask for more help.  This is so challenging because I have always been the helper and not the help ee.  This realization has been made clear over the last month as this cold has taken a bunch of time to try and heal from which gave me down time to evaluate life.  Doctor's appointments and treatments take up a lot of time and basically kill one whole week.  The following week is when I cram in cold laser therapy and IV vit C, both of which take several hours.  It is when basic things like cleaning, buying groceries and running errands happen (hopefully) as well as food prep.  Bottom line is that I am not able to do as much of the things that I love - like going to OLu events with Todd,  puttering in the yard, sewing, talking to friends and volunteering.  Having realized that I need help and then putting that realization into action by reaching out to friends is a whole 'nother hurdle. It's that stupid independence thing - I want to be able to do it all!  Not that I was ever able to do that - so i should not balk at asking- right???  Jesus did say, "It is more blessed to give than to receive" in Acts 20:35, but it's hard to be in the receiving role - tho it would be so hard without those loving friends who give!
We are so thankful and blessed by all our friends who step up to help us - especially those who drive me to chemo, sit with me, drive me home and then drive me for my disconnect and hydration.  Those are long days and in some cases long drives and I am so thankful for the people who are willing to help us -- just don't want to wear people out! 

I was further blessed this week with the kindest, most empathetic, wig fitter!  She's so understanding and ordered in 4 more wigs to try and get the color right.  I really liked the very blonde one - made me feel like i'd spent the week on the beach - but everyone said it was just too light and it looked fake.  We tried on lots and lots of wigs- dark, very light - lots of in between and many of them made me look lion like -- I have a small face and a small head (no wise cracks please!) so the volume of hair was simply too much.  I got to learn about the types of wigs (synthetic or real hair; those that have a "scalp" look and those that don't) We tried all different kinds of colors and what happened each time was that I became overwhelmed by the process.  Taking a friend was so helpful because she was able to read my reaction and help me weed out and narrow down options-and voice her opinion!  Waiting to hear from the insurance company if they will pay for the wig- doubtful since they would not pay for my magic mouth wash to fight the blistering - but with a new insurance company "hope springs eternal"!!

This past week I was blessed by friend saying she would send me her scarves!  She also lent a loving, understanding ear since she has lost her hair. It has grown back so cute now - but she had an end date for her chemo...It's different when it is "chemo for life", so no chance to regrow my hair! Her encouragment was wonderful!  She had a wonderful quip for me -
"Chin up so your crown won't slip!"  It was such a sweet reminder that I am a child of the King and I wear his crown of rightousness, so no matter what I am dealing with, she reminded me to keep my chin up - even through the tears - 'cause God does love me!

Rarely do I attend an event by myself anymore - either because I have someone driving me or because Todd and I are attending together.   Sunday, I did attend a concert by myself and it awoke some pretty strong emotion in me.  As some of you know, I can talk about my situation with anyone without becoming too emotional.  The exception to that is talking/thinking about the possibility of Todd having to go it alone, much younger than we anticipated.  This always reduces me to a mess in about 15 seconds.  Well, it gave me insight as to how hard that would be - I was so thankful that the students did such a great job and afterward were so kind and distracted me from all my feelings...which leads me to...

Thankful for 
all your prayers, cause I firmly believe that is what is keeping me here!  We so appreciate it!
my drivers and friends who help me in so many ways
birds - hummingbirds, blue birds finches that all love my fountain!
cucumber mint lemonade - it goes down so much more easily than water!  
hair and wigs and friends that make me laugh
God's promises and his crown of righteousness
lighter weight means my engagement ring fits again (hadn't for years!)
being able to eat well
gigantic spiders that create my "halloween decorations" 
being able to do some chores
the opportunity to talk through other people's problems with them 
     (nice to spend brain cells on something other than cancer!)
friends that treat us to outings - great to laugh together
God being on the throne no matter how much evil there is in the world!  

Thanks for checkin' in! 

Time Flies when you're having fun!

Cannot believe how long it has been since I posted - Have been living life!!!
Blessed to go to Montana and also to have another dear friend (kinda like my niece) visit!
Endured Chemo #9 last week
Feeling fair - chemo rougher due to a cold (my Montana souvenir!)
Spirits ok - 
Weight ok - struggling with dehydration
Sleep is ok - I don't skip many naps, but night sweats are a pain
Skin fragile but ok 
Hair continuing to fall out - mornings are very emotional as I get ready for the day!
    God has less to count these days (Luke 12:7 NCV) 
   God even knows how many hairs you have on your head
Mouth sores come and go - thankful for "magic mouthwash!" to control it
Runny nose, cough and congestion - just to add to the fun
Did not walk enough last 2 weeks but had a great time playing with our grand daughter before chemo and visiting with friends after.

I continue to marvel at the miracle that God has granted to me.  Two weeks ago, I got to spend time in beautiful Montana with our older son and his family and I spent far more time on the floor playing pretend

than I usually do (for some reason, that is not in my therapy repetoir - it should be!) I was thankful and amazed at how much flexibility I have despite the fact that I have not been doing any of my yoga for the past year!  It was a great opportunity to stretch muscles that I have not stretched in a while -- and to give thanks that I still had some muscles and flexibility!  There are those who would say that this is because I was so fit before (I'm good at fits!) however, I vividly remember how ill I was a year ago -- when I was not walking much and spend most of my steps going back and forth to the bathroom!  Yes, the body is designed to heal itself - but I believe the Healer was heavily involved in my case!  Thank you for praying for me!  I am where I am because so many banged on heavens gates!  Time is ever more precious... great to spend it playing pretend and giggling with her!

Another thing that got stretched was my brain cells --

coming up with pretend scenarios exersized areas of my brain that have been untapped in years!!!  Best part - she liked it!  It was a joy to get to be at the baby shower also - such fun peopIe!  I am so blessed to get time in their world!  Thank you for praying strength for me to be there!  A fantastic encouragement was to get to see some of the people who are praying for me in Montana...I am so blessed!  This week was a fantastic reminder of why I am going thru the pain of chemo - and further to rejoice that it is working!!

My son was teasing me about my major "fear of missing out" on anything- but when you realize that you have far less opportunities to than you thought, it suddenly becomes even more important to do all you can with the limited time you have left.  It was great to be able to help our daughter-in-love to arrange the nursery, sort clothes, toys and books and in general be in her world.  It did my servant heart to be able to help out - and I was further blessed and amazed by the energy that God granted to me to enjoy it!  Yay God!  

Chemo 9 was on Tuesday - and it went ok -- They administered the anti nausea slightly differently, so rather than falling into a deep deep sleep for 2 hours, I dozed.  Then I dozed when I got home, and all evening and then woke up at 2 a.m. wide awake....It kind of threw everything off.  Having a nasty gross cold did not help either!  
I am continuing to struggle more with nausea and for longer.  In the past the one anti nausea pill would work 98% of the time with an occasional booster of a different kind of anti nausea medicine.  This time, I got a third kind of anti nausea medicine and have used it several times in addition to the #2 booster...

I confess, it makes me a little bit  edgy-nervous-concerned, to see how each chemo is a bit harder, and takes me a little longer to bounce back.  With only 2 weeks between times to "heal" there really is not much time to work on getting stronger.  It stands firmly in God's hands and I trust him and try hard to shove scary doubts out of my head. Having company come was a fantastic distraction!   
Bet you wondered if you would hear about my hair!  Well in an effort to not disappoint, I have to say, 
my hair keeps getting harder for me emotionally as it is  still falling out...I know you must think I am almost bald by now - well - guess what? not quite, but you are pretty close.  I can still get away with not wearing a hat, but it's clear I have something going on,    Last week a friend went with me to the wig boutique just to explore options.  Not sure how I feel about this, tho I was pleasantly surprised at how nice they were.  Another friend was so helpful talking with me about scarves and options etc.   I still need to do more hunting, but the fact of the matter is that the docs  say that you may experience thinning, but after you are done, your hair will grow back....except that I am unfortunately on chemo for life, which means I won't get the regrowth option.....
Underneath the words of the last paragraph are lots of tears and lots of emotions...Last time around, my hair thinned, but I have lost about 4 x more hair than I did last time!  It is only hair, but it is also sad/ upsetting.  
Then there is the question of do I shave my head? be twins with Todd? ugh - so hard to think about....
Feel free to message me if you have thoughts/opinions/insights - but pls be patient if you don't hear back right away - thanks!

Along those lines, it was very emotional this week, to commend to the Lord a fine man who served faithfully at our church in St. Louis. He had battled bladder cancer and beaten it into submission, but it roared back and claimed his life.  His beautiful wife was one of those women that I look up to as a wonderful role model and teacher.  After 49 years together, I know that she leans completely on God to get her through losing her best friend.  Many weep with her - me included - often...

This brings me to my biggest prayer request - Please pray that I not become immune to the IV chemo like I did the low dose chemo.  Pray that the cancer cells continue to respond properly to the chemo and that I am able to bounce back and build strength between each round....

Jehovah Rapha - The Lord my healer -- has blessed us immeasurably...
Thankful for God who blesses me with life events that may seem ordinary, but are not when you days are limited
for your prayers, your friendship
for the antics, laughter, and snuggles of our grand daughter
for our extended family whether by blood, marriage or faith
for Todd who makes trips and events happen for me - so blessed!
for an opportunity to serve God by listening to and praying for friends
for the start of bible study - missed my Tuesday morning friends!
for anti nausea drugs
for wigs and the kind lady that helped me
for friends who have walked this path and share tips and tricks
for God holding me up through it all
for friends who visit and provide much needed distraction
for friends who drive me everywhere
for decongestant and kleenex
for the tiny volunteer-made pillow that cushions the seatbelt where it presses on my port and hurts
for cucumber lemonade that tastes decent when water makes me gag
for magic mouth wash
for hummingbirds, flowers, fountains and my fantastic husband who tends it all to bring me joy
for potatoes still tasting ok even when nauseated 
for energy to keep fighting this battle
for you all for blessing us with your prayers and love

We love y'all! Thanks for checkin' in!