So thrilled to be able to get my last treatment! Side effects are the same, but much much more tired and headachey. Came home and slept right away -- I cannot complain though by comparison to what it was with both drugs!
Wed I go for my disconnect from the pump and next Monday I go for a nurse check. After that I will go in every month to have my mediport flushed so that it doesn't clot. Dr Frick recommended keeping my port for a year, which is the length of time for which they can remain in place without being used on a regular basis. He suggests leaving it in, because for this type of cancer, if it comes back quickly, it will be back in 1-2 years. Just to clarify, he is not suggesting that is my case--rather it is the "standard" recommendation. In October, he had said that they were going for the cure with this treatment and today he said that he felt very comfortable that we did everything we could do. I'll see the oncologist every 3 months for a year - not sure what the interval will be after that....probably either 4 or 6 months. They will be watching my bloodwork for any signs of cancer popping up.
Not much exciting to report - Chance has kept me on my toes with an upset digestive system....
fortunately all out in the yard- but still a mess to clean up. Didn't walk him today like I thought I was going to -- will head out for a short one after this....
This morning as I left the hospital and headed for the clinic that is close to me, Is 46:4 popped into my head - and it is not even one that I have been memorizing -- it just came to me!
I will sustain you and rescue you!
That he certainly has done -- and I am thankful for:
His carrying strength
the end of chemo being in sight
seabands to control nausea without drugs
naps
rain to make things grow
clean water
flowers and plants growing (not counting weeds! tho I guess I am supposed to be thankful in all
circumstances.....have to think about that one...)
you for keeping tabs on us --for praying and for your encouragement!
Blessings on your evening!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Hoping for chemo tomorrow...
Side effects the same - finger and toes the biggest hassle - and tired - but not bad otherwise!
Hoping that my blood is strong again tomorrow so I can get chemo - the last one!
Never know if I am going to be able to get it -- when I feel good, my blood hasn't been strong, and when I have felt bad, it has been ok! Makes no sense, I know -- Trying not to get my hopes up too high - but truthfully - can't help it! It is in God's hands -- and I will have a tantrum with Him if I can't have it...
We have been blessed with a full rich weekend - home group Friday evening, our brother in law's birthday celebration brought us a houseful on Sat and today we celebrated confirmation at BLC -- Sat was also Gretchen's shower in Missoula (our oldest son, Karl's fiance'). It was hard not to be there but she was very sweet taking many pictures and calling :) We are blessed! In between I squeezed in "dirt therapy!" (Gardening, for those of you that may have missed references to this in the past) with the result that I have rediscovered many muscles that have been unused for a season, and weakened by this chemo game that I am playing! Working on getting strong again!
Not much else to report - though I am starting to think about what to do with my blog after I am finished with chemo. Truthfully, I don't quite know what to do -- it seems like this may have run its course, but some have suggested keeping writing....Hoping God sends me that e-mail telling me exactly what He wants me to do....ya right! :) We'll just take each day as it comes and keep watching for answers!
Thankful for friends
teachers
dirt therapy
Todd helping me dig!
family
rain
sun
warmer weather coming
my gardening supervisor, Chance :)
water tasting great
technology that keeps me connected
scripture that keeps me glued together
I will leave you with a favorite verse --(not "the" favorite - that would be way too hard!)
Ps 50:15"call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you and you will honor me..."
Blessings - Thanks for checking in!
Hoping that my blood is strong again tomorrow so I can get chemo - the last one!
Never know if I am going to be able to get it -- when I feel good, my blood hasn't been strong, and when I have felt bad, it has been ok! Makes no sense, I know -- Trying not to get my hopes up too high - but truthfully - can't help it! It is in God's hands -- and I will have a tantrum with Him if I can't have it...
We have been blessed with a full rich weekend - home group Friday evening, our brother in law's birthday celebration brought us a houseful on Sat and today we celebrated confirmation at BLC -- Sat was also Gretchen's shower in Missoula (our oldest son, Karl's fiance'). It was hard not to be there but she was very sweet taking many pictures and calling :) We are blessed! In between I squeezed in "dirt therapy!" (Gardening, for those of you that may have missed references to this in the past) with the result that I have rediscovered many muscles that have been unused for a season, and weakened by this chemo game that I am playing! Working on getting strong again!
Not much else to report - though I am starting to think about what to do with my blog after I am finished with chemo. Truthfully, I don't quite know what to do -- it seems like this may have run its course, but some have suggested keeping writing....Hoping God sends me that e-mail telling me exactly what He wants me to do....ya right! :) We'll just take each day as it comes and keep watching for answers!
Thankful for friends
teachers
dirt therapy
Todd helping me dig!
family
rain
sun
warmer weather coming
my gardening supervisor, Chance :)
water tasting great
technology that keeps me connected
scripture that keeps me glued together
I will leave you with a favorite verse --(not "the" favorite - that would be way too hard!)
Ps 50:15"call upon me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you and you will honor me..."
Blessings - Thanks for checking in!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Weak is Strong? God's economy
Side effects the same - mouth sores tapering off - numb fingers/toes still but energy is pretty good - though more tired than last weekend.
Yesterday's devo from Streams in the Desert by LB Cowman really struck me --
Here is an excerpt from it --
"We tend to feel we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong and fit for active duty and when our hearts and hands are busy with kind acts of service. Therefore when we are set aside to suffer, when we are sick, when we are consumed with pain, and when all our activities have been stopped, we feel we are no longer of any use and are accomplishing nothing.
Yet if we will be patient and submissive, it is almost certain we will be a greater blessing to the world around us during our time of suffering and pain than we were when we thought we were doing our greatest work."
When I read this, it really made me pause. I have received so many comments from you about my writing this blog -- some of you even said you use it in your devotional time! Wow! I am so honored! So for the last six months, I have been knocked on my butt - sidelined if you will - having to receive help from so many of you (a real learning time for me!). Yet it seems, that my obedience to God's push to write this has blessed many more people than I could ever have done when I was well and "busy." I am thankful that God brought good from this -- and incredibly humbled by it. Not sure exactly how all this works -- It's a God thing!
Along the same line, when talking to a friend, she was frustrated that she hadn't accomplished more this week. She had taken time out to help another friend who was in need. Unfortunately her "to do" list was still very long and work loomed next week.
I asked her what her kids were learning by watching her this week. They had learned first hand how to help a friend in need --
with phone calls to activate a network of people --
with a trip to the store for things she needed --
with phone calls and an encouraging note --
She had taught the next generation how to help people when they have a crisis situation.
Was this on her to do list? No! Was it more important than the list? You bet! Our kids are the ones who will be taking care of us -- we want them to know how to be helpful and compassionate! Prov 22:6 talks about teaching a child so they know what to do when they are older.
So even though she wasn't busy with her to do list (what might have seemed the right things to be doing) she answered God's call to help a friend, and not only blessed her friend, but her children and the next generation by her faithful actions.
She blessed more people by doing the small, faithful thing.
Sometimes God nudges us to do something that seems insignificant to us, like help a friend or start a blog, and He blesses it exponentially.
2 Cor 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness.
Prov 28:20 A faithful man will be richly blessed...
John 11:40 Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"
What is God nudging you to do?
Thanks for checking in - Have a great weekend!
Yesterday's devo from Streams in the Desert by LB Cowman really struck me --
Here is an excerpt from it --
"We tend to feel we are doing the greatest good in the world when we are strong and fit for active duty and when our hearts and hands are busy with kind acts of service. Therefore when we are set aside to suffer, when we are sick, when we are consumed with pain, and when all our activities have been stopped, we feel we are no longer of any use and are accomplishing nothing.
Yet if we will be patient and submissive, it is almost certain we will be a greater blessing to the world around us during our time of suffering and pain than we were when we thought we were doing our greatest work."
When I read this, it really made me pause. I have received so many comments from you about my writing this blog -- some of you even said you use it in your devotional time! Wow! I am so honored! So for the last six months, I have been knocked on my butt - sidelined if you will - having to receive help from so many of you (a real learning time for me!). Yet it seems, that my obedience to God's push to write this has blessed many more people than I could ever have done when I was well and "busy." I am thankful that God brought good from this -- and incredibly humbled by it. Not sure exactly how all this works -- It's a God thing!
Along the same line, when talking to a friend, she was frustrated that she hadn't accomplished more this week. She had taken time out to help another friend who was in need. Unfortunately her "to do" list was still very long and work loomed next week.
I asked her what her kids were learning by watching her this week. They had learned first hand how to help a friend in need --
with phone calls to activate a network of people --
with a trip to the store for things she needed --
with phone calls and an encouraging note --
She had taught the next generation how to help people when they have a crisis situation.
Was this on her to do list? No! Was it more important than the list? You bet! Our kids are the ones who will be taking care of us -- we want them to know how to be helpful and compassionate! Prov 22:6 talks about teaching a child so they know what to do when they are older.
So even though she wasn't busy with her to do list (what might have seemed the right things to be doing) she answered God's call to help a friend, and not only blessed her friend, but her children and the next generation by her faithful actions.
She blessed more people by doing the small, faithful thing.
Sometimes God nudges us to do something that seems insignificant to us, like help a friend or start a blog, and He blesses it exponentially.
2 Cor 12:9 My grace is sufficient for you for My power is made perfect in weakness.
Prov 28:20 A faithful man will be richly blessed...
John 11:40 Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"
What is God nudging you to do?
Thanks for checking in - Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
It caught up with me!
Side effects the same - mouth sores a bit better for now!
Today is a napping day! I think all the gallivanting about this past weekend finally hit! I am pretty tired, but not nearly as tired as I was in the beginning of chemo. Have had a quiet day -- being domestic and then resting....
Have been thinking about that phrase, "New Level, New Devil" - meaning that when you reach a new level in your faith walk, the devil ups the ante and comes at you with a new angle, or with particular viciousness.
This is brought to mind because of friends who had been going through a really rough time, but were making an effort to live life with the Lord more intentionally than in the past. They had come through that valley, and many things fell into place -big things like better health, new job, and a home sale. Suddenly they lost most of their possessions - certainly the most sentimental ones - to a fire. They have each other and there were no injuries, which is a special blessing! Praise God! That doesn't change the loss of pictures, favorite toys and books, jewelry, your favorite shoes and your underware! Imagine the feeling......
When I heard of this, it flashed through my mind that the devil must not be very happy with them trying to live their life in a more Godly way.
Some of you may think that this is a stretch, - but 1 Peter 5:8 cautions us to be alert because the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. In John 10:10 Christ refers to the devil as a thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy. We have a real enemy looking to bring us down any way he can!
Do you think perhaps that he is trying to discourage them from their more Godly way of life??
Is he perhaps trying to weaken their faith?
or make them think that God doesn't care about them or love them?
or do you think he could just be making them so busy with insurance and details that they are
distracted from talking to God's and seeing his blessings?
I'd bet on it!!
When things go wrong or you are tempted to doubt that God knows and cares what is going on, remember you have an enemy that wants to take you down! He doesn't care how.
Then focus on Christ who said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Remember Luke 12:6,7 where He says, "are not 5 sparrows sold for 2 pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed the very hairs on your head are numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." [Some of us, he doesn't have to count as high anymore to number our hair! :)]
Call to mind Jer 29:11 that God has a plan for you, to prosper you --and Ro 8:28 that He works all things for good to those who love Him.
Remember his admonition from 1 Thess 5:16-18 to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. Not give thanks for all circumstances, but in them -- look for the things you can be thankful for -- focus on them -- on the goodness that He brings into your life.
Is all this the normal human response? No it's not!
We are not called to be 'normal.' We are called to live by the spirit (Gal 5:16) We have been crucified with Christ and we no longer live, but Christ lives in us and we live by faith in the Son of God, who loves us and gave Himself up for us! (Gal 2:20)
We are called to show the world how to deal with adversity while walking with God --
to hold out hope and a hand to those who don't know our God
So, when you are trying to live more closely with the Lord, and things go wrong -- remember that thief that wants to destroy you -- he's messin' with you! Watch for car trouble, illness, fights with your husband or your kids, or misunderstandings. He'll press your buttons!
Then remember your God -- and who wins in the end -- and look for things to be thankful for!!
Thankful for
daffodils
rain
naps
hair to have a bad hair day
baseball hats for the above
Chance
puddles
God's word
Thankful for you!
Today is a napping day! I think all the gallivanting about this past weekend finally hit! I am pretty tired, but not nearly as tired as I was in the beginning of chemo. Have had a quiet day -- being domestic and then resting....
Have been thinking about that phrase, "New Level, New Devil" - meaning that when you reach a new level in your faith walk, the devil ups the ante and comes at you with a new angle, or with particular viciousness.
This is brought to mind because of friends who had been going through a really rough time, but were making an effort to live life with the Lord more intentionally than in the past. They had come through that valley, and many things fell into place -big things like better health, new job, and a home sale. Suddenly they lost most of their possessions - certainly the most sentimental ones - to a fire. They have each other and there were no injuries, which is a special blessing! Praise God! That doesn't change the loss of pictures, favorite toys and books, jewelry, your favorite shoes and your underware! Imagine the feeling......
When I heard of this, it flashed through my mind that the devil must not be very happy with them trying to live their life in a more Godly way.
Some of you may think that this is a stretch, - but 1 Peter 5:8 cautions us to be alert because the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. In John 10:10 Christ refers to the devil as a thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy. We have a real enemy looking to bring us down any way he can!
Do you think perhaps that he is trying to discourage them from their more Godly way of life??
Is he perhaps trying to weaken their faith?
or make them think that God doesn't care about them or love them?
or do you think he could just be making them so busy with insurance and details that they are
distracted from talking to God's and seeing his blessings?
I'd bet on it!!
When things go wrong or you are tempted to doubt that God knows and cares what is going on, remember you have an enemy that wants to take you down! He doesn't care how.
Then focus on Christ who said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Remember Luke 12:6,7 where He says, "are not 5 sparrows sold for 2 pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed the very hairs on your head are numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." [Some of us, he doesn't have to count as high anymore to number our hair! :)]
Call to mind Jer 29:11 that God has a plan for you, to prosper you --and Ro 8:28 that He works all things for good to those who love Him.
Remember his admonition from 1 Thess 5:16-18 to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. Not give thanks for all circumstances, but in them -- look for the things you can be thankful for -- focus on them -- on the goodness that He brings into your life.
Is all this the normal human response? No it's not!
We are not called to be 'normal.' We are called to live by the spirit (Gal 5:16) We have been crucified with Christ and we no longer live, but Christ lives in us and we live by faith in the Son of God, who loves us and gave Himself up for us! (Gal 2:20)
We are called to show the world how to deal with adversity while walking with God --
to hold out hope and a hand to those who don't know our God
So, when you are trying to live more closely with the Lord, and things go wrong -- remember that thief that wants to destroy you -- he's messin' with you! Watch for car trouble, illness, fights with your husband or your kids, or misunderstandings. He'll press your buttons!
Then remember your God -- and who wins in the end -- and look for things to be thankful for!!
Thankful for
daffodils
rain
naps
hair to have a bad hair day
baseball hats for the above
Chance
puddles
God's word
Thankful for you!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
More Elated
Nurse Check yesterday was good - my bloodwork was very good - infection fighters where they should be and only 1 thing a little low. This means that chemo will most probably happen on Monday!
Side effects-Hands and feet almost always numb from the 2nd knuckle forward and from the arch of my foot forward. Balance is ok - not normal though. Mouth sores painful, but not as bad as sometimes!
I am so happy for the great bloodwork report - and the probability of having my last chemo on Monday! Perhaps you can imagine...It is like being tied to a large anchor and tugging and twisting and pulling - wanting so badly to be free, and seeing the rope begin to fray -- you know that if you keep working at it you will be free soon! The adrenaline really revs up and I have to remind myself not to get too excited until it really happens.
I had a very sobering thought this morning as I drove to bible study and listened to Mandisa's Stronger --
This has strengthened me, no doubt.
but
what is coming next?
God's goal is to conform us to Christ's likeness -- and
tough times are one of the tools he can use to do that....
Immediately my mind raced down several fruitless trails thinking it could be this or that.....
(all awful things - way more awful than colon cancer)
a totally unproductive and disturbing waste of time!
I had to yank myself firmly back to the present and started thanking God and telling Him that I did trust him - really - and that I would fight my "worry" habit.
[Todd's grandpa used to say to his wife, ''Momma, you worry too much!" -a sweet memory]
Rather than letting worry rob the present, I am choosing to thank Him for
realizing that I can choose not to worry but to trust
His great gift of Todd and the kids (I can't say boys anymore - I count Gretchen too! :)
plants that grow 2 inches a day!
the funny way robins hunt for worms - cocking their heads and listening
praying with a hurting friend
sunshine and sixty degrees
gardening friends sharing their wisdom and plants with me :)
seeing a friend carried through a rough time by God's strength
the exuberance of kids playing outside in pretty weather
the encouragement that I get from all of you
being able to be an encourager in return
God's word reminding me that He is my rock and my fortress --the one I hold on to
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness
come before him with joyful songs
Know that the Lord is God
It is he who made us and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates wtih thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations!
Ps 100
Thanks for checkin in!
Side effects-Hands and feet almost always numb from the 2nd knuckle forward and from the arch of my foot forward. Balance is ok - not normal though. Mouth sores painful, but not as bad as sometimes!
I am so happy for the great bloodwork report - and the probability of having my last chemo on Monday! Perhaps you can imagine...It is like being tied to a large anchor and tugging and twisting and pulling - wanting so badly to be free, and seeing the rope begin to fray -- you know that if you keep working at it you will be free soon! The adrenaline really revs up and I have to remind myself not to get too excited until it really happens.
I had a very sobering thought this morning as I drove to bible study and listened to Mandisa's Stronger --
This has strengthened me, no doubt.
but
what is coming next?
God's goal is to conform us to Christ's likeness -- and
tough times are one of the tools he can use to do that....
Immediately my mind raced down several fruitless trails thinking it could be this or that.....
(all awful things - way more awful than colon cancer)
a totally unproductive and disturbing waste of time!
I had to yank myself firmly back to the present and started thanking God and telling Him that I did trust him - really - and that I would fight my "worry" habit.
[Todd's grandpa used to say to his wife, ''Momma, you worry too much!" -a sweet memory]
Rather than letting worry rob the present, I am choosing to thank Him for
realizing that I can choose not to worry but to trust
His great gift of Todd and the kids (I can't say boys anymore - I count Gretchen too! :)
plants that grow 2 inches a day!
the funny way robins hunt for worms - cocking their heads and listening
praying with a hurting friend
sunshine and sixty degrees
gardening friends sharing their wisdom and plants with me :)
seeing a friend carried through a rough time by God's strength
the exuberance of kids playing outside in pretty weather
the encouragement that I get from all of you
being able to be an encourager in return
God's word reminding me that He is my rock and my fortress --the one I hold on to
Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness
come before him with joyful songs
Know that the Lord is God
It is he who made us and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates wtih thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations!
Ps 100
Thanks for checkin in!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Elated
Nurse check today - side effects are holding - fingers and toes numb and mouth sores popping up - but sleeping pretty well, and feeling stronger which is a great blessing!
Friday night was our Association's dinner auction, and as you know, I was hoping very much to be able to attend that with Todd. I thought that it would be great to be able to be there and sit out of the way, and visit with a few people.
As is so often the case, God so exceeded my hopes! I had good energy and felt strong -- I think I got more hugs than I have ever gotten in my life! I was able to greet people and stand and chat (standing is very tiring for me and I often cannot stand for very long - so this was really unusual) When I got tired, I sat down with a dear, fun older lady who could not navigate the crowd - and we had a lovely visit. I was able to eat well (stole Todd's cheesecake too!) and not feel sick.
Ps 145:16 says, "You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." God just poured out strength and blessing on me over and over through the people I got to visit with -- I was so happy to be able to be there!
The blessings did not stop there! Our church was having a women's retreat which started Fri evening and went all day Sat. I had hoped that by some chance I would be able to go on Sat but did not know how that would play out. Again God showered me with blessings! After staying until the auction was totally wrapped up--I woke up early, felt good, and had strength to drive to a friend's house and she drove to the retreat! (I wouldn't have been able to drive 1 1/2 hours each way and make the retreat too!) There were several God appointments there--I knew He had put me in the right place at the right time -- which is so elating and also so humbling! Had I not gone, I would have missed those blessings!
Again, the blessings didn't stop there -- Sunday morning I woke up feeling good -- a little tired, but not exhausted at all -- That can only be God! We went to church and I spend the afternoon puttering in the garden! Todd helped me accomplish a few tasks that I was dreading - but the "dirt therapy" was wonderful! Somehow I always feel closer to God, kneeling in the dirt with his gorgeous creation around me! (breezy and chilly, but gorgeous!)
Another blessing was to be privileged to speak w a dear friend about blood in the stool and what that all meant and what the next steps would be --
This doesn't sound like much, but finding something good (early detection) coming out of something "bad" makes it all worth while --
If I hadn't been obedient to God's nudge and been so public about my story -- they would not have felt as comfortable to "talk poop!" :) Sometimes obedience is hard -- but the reward is so worth it!
Ro 8:28
He works all things together for good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose!
Thank you all so much for praying for me, for my strength and for this weekend -- Your prayers have granted me strength and I am so thankful for that! After being so sick and weak -- stuck on the couch -- the joy of being able to do something "normal" is amazing! Thank you for your conversations with God about me! You are a blessing that I treasure!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Disconnected from # 11!
Got disconnected from my pump yesterday afternoon - yay!
Doing ok - hands and feet tingly - nausea comes and goes -it is mostly bad indigestion still.
Energy comes and goes - more goes actually! Have been using my "up" moments to try and catch up domestically - or to play in the dirt :) Then I rest.
Trying to be really good and not wear myself out because tomorrow night is the Lutheran High School Association Auction - a favorite, fun event! Hoping that I will be feeling good by then.
I am definitely droopier than I was last time -- it must be the nupogen shots that helped me feel better last time....
I am so thankful to be this far...It is so odd to think back and remember how far away this seemed in November....and here I am --one chemo to go! I am starting to think of making my eye doctor and my dentist appointments! (Chemo changes your eyes, so you don't want to get new contacts or glasses until about a month past chemo - and they don't want you to go to the dentist because the mouth is so full of bacteria, that a nick from cleaning could cause some serious infection)
It seems like so long ago - but also like just yesterday! It will seem weird and so very nice not to have to go to the clinic every week - not to get blood drawn every week and to feel more like myself! I cannot wait! The time I will have to myself - time spent in waiting rooms and in the infusion room! I probably shouldn't get too far ahead of myself here....
God's timing is perfect...if everything goes well with my bloodwork, and I get chemo in another 1 1/2 weeks, then about the time that I start to come out from under the "chemo cloud" it will be one year since I went to stay with my dad for his final journey home.
It will also be vacation time! Some dear friends gave us their condo in Colorado AND plane tickets! We are truly blessed beyond belief! That was so kind and generous of them to do that for us! What a great way to celebrate the end of chemo!
As I look back, I am struck how many good things have come out of this...How He has sustained me through the worst of times....Only God could do that!
Ps 145:16 You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
I thank my God every time I remember you - Phil 1:3
Thank you for walking this road with me - You have blessed me immensely!
Doing ok - hands and feet tingly - nausea comes and goes -it is mostly bad indigestion still.
Energy comes and goes - more goes actually! Have been using my "up" moments to try and catch up domestically - or to play in the dirt :) Then I rest.
Trying to be really good and not wear myself out because tomorrow night is the Lutheran High School Association Auction - a favorite, fun event! Hoping that I will be feeling good by then.
I am definitely droopier than I was last time -- it must be the nupogen shots that helped me feel better last time....
I am so thankful to be this far...It is so odd to think back and remember how far away this seemed in November....and here I am --one chemo to go! I am starting to think of making my eye doctor and my dentist appointments! (Chemo changes your eyes, so you don't want to get new contacts or glasses until about a month past chemo - and they don't want you to go to the dentist because the mouth is so full of bacteria, that a nick from cleaning could cause some serious infection)
It seems like so long ago - but also like just yesterday! It will seem weird and so very nice not to have to go to the clinic every week - not to get blood drawn every week and to feel more like myself! I cannot wait! The time I will have to myself - time spent in waiting rooms and in the infusion room! I probably shouldn't get too far ahead of myself here....
God's timing is perfect...if everything goes well with my bloodwork, and I get chemo in another 1 1/2 weeks, then about the time that I start to come out from under the "chemo cloud" it will be one year since I went to stay with my dad for his final journey home.
It will also be vacation time! Some dear friends gave us their condo in Colorado AND plane tickets! We are truly blessed beyond belief! That was so kind and generous of them to do that for us! What a great way to celebrate the end of chemo!
As I look back, I am struck how many good things have come out of this...How He has sustained me through the worst of times....Only God could do that!
Ps 145:16 You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
I thank my God every time I remember you - Phil 1:3
Thank you for walking this road with me - You have blessed me immensely!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Hands and feet a bit better today - nausea creeping in, holding at bad indigestion for now - balance is poor and am tired - yuck!
It could be so much worse though!
Was so glad to make it to Bible study today - a friend texted me late last night and asked if I wanted a ride! What a blessing! Had help walking Chance today but am hoping to do it myself tomorrow. Am also hoping to go to bed early and actually sleep!
We talked today in Bible study about heaven - and how sweet it will be that there will be no death, no grieving, no weeping - and we will be with God! How wonderful that will be! We prayed for a sister in Christ who is attending the death bed of her brother in law--how difficult it is to watch someone die. It is made more bearable to know they are going home to heaven and that they will see each other again!
It brought back so many poignant memories of my dad going home.
It also reminded me how urgent it is to share the hope that I have, with those who don't have that same hope! Wish that I were better at that! It is something to work on!
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Cor 13:12
Share your hope wherever you can! Blessings to you!
It could be so much worse though!
Was so glad to make it to Bible study today - a friend texted me late last night and asked if I wanted a ride! What a blessing! Had help walking Chance today but am hoping to do it myself tomorrow. Am also hoping to go to bed early and actually sleep!
We talked today in Bible study about heaven - and how sweet it will be that there will be no death, no grieving, no weeping - and we will be with God! How wonderful that will be! We prayed for a sister in Christ who is attending the death bed of her brother in law--how difficult it is to watch someone die. It is made more bearable to know they are going home to heaven and that they will see each other again!
It brought back so many poignant memories of my dad going home.
It also reminded me how urgent it is to share the hope that I have, with those who don't have that same hope! Wish that I were better at that! It is something to work on!
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 1 Cor 13:12
Share your hope wherever you can! Blessings to you!
Monday, April 16, 2012
#11 underway!
It's amazing how quickly I forgot how this brings me down! One little week and I forgot how yucky you feel!
Headachy - more tingling in hands and feet- typing ,texting and writing a challenge - very tired - clumsy - slightly nauseated- brain foggy (no jokes here!) facial color a nice yellow/gray (yuck!)
So very thankful to be this far! Missing Todd as he is out of town until tomorrow night :( Hoping it was not a mistake to cancel that care calendar! Thinking all will be well -- just not sure about the gabapentin......praying I do really well because it is the close of our Beth Moore study tomorrow!!! I would hate to miss that! Praying also for safe travel for Todd and the ministry team!
So many people have commented on how good I look - Thank you for the encouragement!
I believe this is attributable solely to all the people who are praying for me.
Today's infusion was at the hospital, not at the neighborhood clinic. Walking in to a much larger group of chemo patients today, I was again struck by how very sick so many of them look -
all ages
very thin or quite heavy
some not heavy but swollen up
mis-shapen bodies
yellow, green or grey skin tone
limp, saggy skin
deep lines in their sad faces
looking pained as they sit there
cautiously making their way to the bathroom-dragging their IV poles
tubes everywhere
no energy or vitality
I don't fit these descriptions! The only way I can be going through the same kind of treatment as all these people (chemo in general-each person's drug cocktail is different!) and not
be afflicted with their problems is God! [Hairspray and make up only can do so much! :)]
so THANK YOU! for praying for my strength and ability to endure. It has made such a difference.
Phil 1:18-21 - yes and I will continue to rejoice for I know that thru your prayers and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance! I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage, so that now as always, Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death. For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain......
This is what I strive for~
Blessings! Thank you for checkin' in and for your prayers for me!
Headachy - more tingling in hands and feet- typing ,texting and writing a challenge - very tired - clumsy - slightly nauseated- brain foggy (no jokes here!) facial color a nice yellow/gray (yuck!)
So very thankful to be this far! Missing Todd as he is out of town until tomorrow night :( Hoping it was not a mistake to cancel that care calendar! Thinking all will be well -- just not sure about the gabapentin......praying I do really well because it is the close of our Beth Moore study tomorrow!!! I would hate to miss that! Praying also for safe travel for Todd and the ministry team!
So many people have commented on how good I look - Thank you for the encouragement!
I believe this is attributable solely to all the people who are praying for me.
Today's infusion was at the hospital, not at the neighborhood clinic. Walking in to a much larger group of chemo patients today, I was again struck by how very sick so many of them look -
all ages
very thin or quite heavy
some not heavy but swollen up
mis-shapen bodies
yellow, green or grey skin tone
limp, saggy skin
deep lines in their sad faces
looking pained as they sit there
cautiously making their way to the bathroom-dragging their IV poles
tubes everywhere
no energy or vitality
I don't fit these descriptions! The only way I can be going through the same kind of treatment as all these people (chemo in general-each person's drug cocktail is different!) and not
be afflicted with their problems is God! [Hairspray and make up only can do so much! :)]
so THANK YOU! for praying for my strength and ability to endure. It has made such a difference.
Phil 1:18-21 - yes and I will continue to rejoice for I know that thru your prayers and the help given by the spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance! I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage, so that now as always, Christ will be exalted in my body whether by life or by death. For me, to live is Christ, to die is gain......
This is what I strive for~
Blessings! Thank you for checkin' in and for your prayers for me!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Melancholy in the waiting
Numbness continues in my hands and feet.....even with the medicine to counter it!
Had kind of a melancholy day today - was trying to find some pictures and found the pictures from my dad's last birthday. It is truly so strange to me that he could look so good and be dead and gone within a year. What's up with that? I know people are killed in accidents every day, but it is weird to have him gone, along with my mom--to have no parents on this earth...
I love the picture I put up to the side of my blog -- Faith is the bridge between where I am and where God is taking me -- It can be hard to stay faith-filled when all kinds of questions loom ahead. As one friend put it this way, about her situation, " I am just not thinking about it!" "I am focusing on what I know"
She went on with Ps 118:1
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good
His love endures forever!
And so I go - not thinking about my parents being gone - not thinking about tomorrow
(God says it has enough trouble on its own!) just trying to be thankful and focus on what all God has already done for me!
He has brought me to chemo 11 tomorrow - hopefully....
Blessings on your Sunday!
Had kind of a melancholy day today - was trying to find some pictures and found the pictures from my dad's last birthday. It is truly so strange to me that he could look so good and be dead and gone within a year. What's up with that? I know people are killed in accidents every day, but it is weird to have him gone, along with my mom--to have no parents on this earth...
I love the picture I put up to the side of my blog -- Faith is the bridge between where I am and where God is taking me -- It can be hard to stay faith-filled when all kinds of questions loom ahead. As one friend put it this way, about her situation, " I am just not thinking about it!" "I am focusing on what I know"
She went on with Ps 118:1
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good
His love endures forever!
And so I go - not thinking about my parents being gone - not thinking about tomorrow
(God says it has enough trouble on its own!) just trying to be thankful and focus on what all God has already done for me!
He has brought me to chemo 11 tomorrow - hopefully....
Blessings on your Sunday!
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Trying to get Stronger by Playing in the Dirt!
Staying about the same - hands and feet are still feeling numb which I thought would have subsided after almost 3 weeks :(
Did start the medication they recommended to combat this numbness - I take 1 at bedtime and when I woke up, I felt like I was walking 1/2 foot off the floor, and everything was kind of off kilter - like I was looking at it in a crooked mirror. Typing is not going very well. Isn't that grand? On top of that, I still feel the numbness. Makes me wonder how I will recover after this is all done.....
Puttering in the yard has been great therapy and distraction for me - though I don't get anything big done without Todd - it still feels good to be doing something "normal" --besides -- it is more fun than cleaning house!
My muscles are in revolt - after all that lying around -- Aches and knots in my shoulders are my reward - but at least they are from work and not from drugs!
The chemo drugs make me sensitive to sun, so I am to wear long sleeves, long pants and lots of sunscreen etc. which is pretty odd when everyone else is in short sleeves and shorts! Today it is warm and lovely though, and I am kind of ignoring the long sleeve thing a bit --tho I work mostly in shade.... On my face, where I missed with the sunscreen, I am getting dark freckles - some that look suspiciously like age spots :( rrrrrrrrr.......
If it is not one thing, it is another!
Praying that all this physical activity builds my blood enough to get chemo on Monday!
A friend sent me this song - thought you would enjoy it --
This is gonna make me stronger!
He who began a good work in me will carry it to completion! Phil 1:6 C, Moritz version :)
Blessings to you and yours! Thanks for checkin' in!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Growing in the Waiting
Bloodwork was bad on Tues - no chemo til next week -
Side effects hang on - hands and feet feel like I am wearing tight, meshy gloves and socks -- still poor fine motor skills - balance is still a little off and hair continues to thin.
The doc offered a med to combat the hand/foot thing - I am not excited about taking something else -- there are always more side effects and I am not sure it's worth it...wrestling with that ....
Again, I was surprised to have chemo put off -- I don't feel as bad as my blood looks! It took a few hours to get over pouting about it. I had to thank God though-- perhaps He is protecting me from getting really sick, or maybe He is giving me some time to enjoy feeling a bit better. I have spent that time working in the yard - alternating working and resting - progress is really slow, but the process is good medicine for me--I love gardening and for years have used it as my "therapy" -- it is always more fun than house work!
When I am "playing in the dirt," I spend a lot of time talking to God - maybe it is that the simple task of amending the soil and nurturing the plants reminds me of all the things He gives to me without me having to sweat for it. (Grocery store vs. plant it, cultivate it, harvest it - and do without it on the off season!) Anyway, I have spent lots of time thinking about this cancer journey - about trusting when I don't get it.
Today's devotion from Jesus Calling spoke to me.
"Isn't it often the same way with you? You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf. This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will. When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies. (What a visual!) You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling: resenting My ways with you.....Choose to trust Me...."
and a few lines from Streams in the Desert --
"God allows temptation because it does for us what storms do for oak trees, rooting us deeper and it does for us what heat does for paint on procelain, giving us long-lasting endurance...."
So, when I am bent out of shape that my blood is bad and chemo is postponed - I have to remind myself that everything I have is from God and I really must be crazy/arrogant to question his plan....and to "humble myself before the Lord" James 4:10
Ps 91 has been with me this whole journey --
She who dwells in the shelter of the most high
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty (as in not work, but "be")
I will say of my Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress
my God in whom I trust."
...He will save you from deadly pestilence....
He will cover you with his feathers
and under his wings you will fing refuge
His (not my) faithfulness will be your shield and rampart....
...
Because Christine loves me...I will rescue her...
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name...
She will call upon in me, and I will answer her
I will be with her in trouble....
With long life will I satisfy her
and show her my salvation......
The Christine Moritz translation of the Bible :) Somehow it is so powerful for me to think of
God talking to me.
Blessings on your day! Thanks for checkin' in!
Side effects hang on - hands and feet feel like I am wearing tight, meshy gloves and socks -- still poor fine motor skills - balance is still a little off and hair continues to thin.
The doc offered a med to combat the hand/foot thing - I am not excited about taking something else -- there are always more side effects and I am not sure it's worth it...wrestling with that ....
Again, I was surprised to have chemo put off -- I don't feel as bad as my blood looks! It took a few hours to get over pouting about it. I had to thank God though-- perhaps He is protecting me from getting really sick, or maybe He is giving me some time to enjoy feeling a bit better. I have spent that time working in the yard - alternating working and resting - progress is really slow, but the process is good medicine for me--I love gardening and for years have used it as my "therapy" -- it is always more fun than house work!
When I am "playing in the dirt," I spend a lot of time talking to God - maybe it is that the simple task of amending the soil and nurturing the plants reminds me of all the things He gives to me without me having to sweat for it. (Grocery store vs. plant it, cultivate it, harvest it - and do without it on the off season!) Anyway, I have spent lots of time thinking about this cancer journey - about trusting when I don't get it.
Today's devotion from Jesus Calling spoke to me.
"Isn't it often the same way with you? You trust Me when things go well, when you see Me working on your behalf. This type of trust flows readily within you, requiring no exertion of your will. When things go wrong, your trust-flow slows down and solidifies. (What a visual!) You are forced to choose between trusting Me intentionally or rebelling: resenting My ways with you.....Choose to trust Me...."
and a few lines from Streams in the Desert --
"God allows temptation because it does for us what storms do for oak trees, rooting us deeper and it does for us what heat does for paint on procelain, giving us long-lasting endurance...."
So, when I am bent out of shape that my blood is bad and chemo is postponed - I have to remind myself that everything I have is from God and I really must be crazy/arrogant to question his plan....and to "humble myself before the Lord" James 4:10
Ps 91 has been with me this whole journey --
She who dwells in the shelter of the most high
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty (as in not work, but "be")
I will say of my Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress
my God in whom I trust."
...He will save you from deadly pestilence....
He will cover you with his feathers
and under his wings you will fing refuge
His (not my) faithfulness will be your shield and rampart....
...
Because Christine loves me...I will rescue her...
I will protect her, for she acknowledges my name...
She will call upon in me, and I will answer her
I will be with her in trouble....
With long life will I satisfy her
and show her my salvation......
The Christine Moritz translation of the Bible :) Somehow it is so powerful for me to think of
God talking to me.
Blessings on your day! Thanks for checkin' in!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
A Great Easter weekend and maybe Chemo today
Stilll have side effects-
tingling, peeling, cracking hands and feet and one stubborn mouth sore and poor balance has
been added into the mix now!
Not sure if they will do chemo today because of them.
We enjoyed a very nice holy weekend. Paul came home and it was a weekend full of "honey do's" - always more fun when Paul is around! Especially because we break up the work with canasta games - I won 2 sets!! - a personal best against those two! (This doesn't happen often because I am not a card shark and didn't play games as a kid so didn't learn about strategy and things like that which come so naturally to my competitive men!)
Some blessings from the weekend include
Feeling well enough to serve as a prayer partner for one of the services
Accomplishing a few cleaning projects
Playing in the dirt (Todd made this possible!!) -we split and moved some plants :) loved it!!!
Easter worship
An extra day yesterday with them both around :)
Nice weather
Very thankful for these blessings -
Because I have a bit more strength, I realize that psychologically, I have begun the "rebuilding" process. I push harder to do things to build my strength back up -- There is the incentive of feeling stronger/better, which reinforces the hope/faith/knowledge that this is coming to an end and I will regain strength and "me" again. It is a slow road back though. Getting dressed, walking the dog and doing my morning routine wears me out-and I haven't even "done" anything yet!-so everything has built in rests and snacks.
This is a rough way to learn to slow down and live life, instead of hurrying from one task to another. I am thankful for the lesson and am pondering how to keep the slower pace from this valley and take it with me as I get stronger and able to "do" more. I don't want to forget the how to "be" in the press of "do"ing all the "important" things that are on the list.
I can't help but notice that in Ps 46 verse 10, "Be still and know that I am God," falls between a list of things that God did (not the author) and God being exalted throughout the earth. There isn't much there that the author, or I, am to do except take refuge in Him, be still and know that He is with me......
Come and see the works of the Lord....
He makes wars cease... He breaks the bow...shatters the spear...burns the shields
(not the writer, or other people - God does)
Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations
I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord Almighty is with us,
The God of Jacob is our Refuge.
In this noisy, busy, 24/7 day and age - may we all learn to be still before the Lord and
to take that attitude of stillness with us as we check off our "to do lists."
Blessings on your Tuesday! Thanks for checkin' in!
tingling, peeling, cracking hands and feet and one stubborn mouth sore and poor balance has
been added into the mix now!
Not sure if they will do chemo today because of them.
We enjoyed a very nice holy weekend. Paul came home and it was a weekend full of "honey do's" - always more fun when Paul is around! Especially because we break up the work with canasta games - I won 2 sets!! - a personal best against those two! (This doesn't happen often because I am not a card shark and didn't play games as a kid so didn't learn about strategy and things like that which come so naturally to my competitive men!)
Some blessings from the weekend include
Feeling well enough to serve as a prayer partner for one of the services
Accomplishing a few cleaning projects
Playing in the dirt (Todd made this possible!!) -we split and moved some plants :) loved it!!!
Easter worship
An extra day yesterday with them both around :)
Nice weather
Very thankful for these blessings -
Because I have a bit more strength, I realize that psychologically, I have begun the "rebuilding" process. I push harder to do things to build my strength back up -- There is the incentive of feeling stronger/better, which reinforces the hope/faith/knowledge that this is coming to an end and I will regain strength and "me" again. It is a slow road back though. Getting dressed, walking the dog and doing my morning routine wears me out-and I haven't even "done" anything yet!-so everything has built in rests and snacks.
This is a rough way to learn to slow down and live life, instead of hurrying from one task to another. I am thankful for the lesson and am pondering how to keep the slower pace from this valley and take it with me as I get stronger and able to "do" more. I don't want to forget the how to "be" in the press of "do"ing all the "important" things that are on the list.
I can't help but notice that in Ps 46 verse 10, "Be still and know that I am God," falls between a list of things that God did (not the author) and God being exalted throughout the earth. There isn't much there that the author, or I, am to do except take refuge in Him, be still and know that He is with me......
Come and see the works of the Lord....
He makes wars cease... He breaks the bow...shatters the spear...burns the shields
(not the writer, or other people - God does)
Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations
I will be exalted in the earth.
The Lord Almighty is with us,
The God of Jacob is our Refuge.
In this noisy, busy, 24/7 day and age - may we all learn to be still before the Lord and
to take that attitude of stillness with us as we check off our "to do lists."
Blessings on your Tuesday! Thanks for checkin' in!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Another lesson from the desert --
Side effects the same--mouth sores, tingly hands, thinning hair, unfocused eyes, indigestion -
Same effects, different day -- but it could be so much worse!
A friend asked me to paint a picture of what it felt like when I was on the full dose of chemo compared to how I feel now. Without remembering how awfull it was, I cannot be fully thankful for how good I feel now.
On a chemo day, chemo's 1-8, as I would sit in the chair getting my infusion, it would feel as though someone was draining all the blood out of me and replacing it with lead. I would feel heavy and exhausted. It would take all my efforts to walk out of the clinic and drive home. In the beginning, I tried to check off an errand on the way home, because that is when you feel the best. As the chemo's progressed this was not even something I thought of anymore. I was too exhausted. My skin tone would go through a rainbow of colors--yellow and grey being the predominant colors - then bright flushed pink...I would sleep a lot. The more anti-nausea medication and benedryl that I took to feel better and prevent swelling, the more I slept. Had y'all not brought meals, or Todd fixed something for me, I would not have eaten -- it was just too much work. I never thought about what tasks didn't get done -- I didn't really think much -- it was all very hazy. On the good days, I would get dressed and rest - go to Bible study - come home and sleep hard. I always had to build in margin time in case I needed to crash. Everything was a huge effort -- but worth being able to do things. My mind would not work well--I forgot so many things - names of people I new well - events that were big things! I can best describe it as living in a thick fog, with heavy weights on my wrists and ankles, and cotton candy in my head instead of a brain!
Since they reduced the 5FU and removed the oxalyplatin, I truly am a different person. I don't nap much anymore. My energy is still not totally there, but it is much more like my old self than it was. I can walk more briskly than just plodding while hanging on to Todd for dear life. Trips up the stairs are not the huge task that they were. My mind is a bit clearer [no nasty jokes here :)] and I can actually think about something and realize if I am not on the right track--though there are still big gaps in my memory --- yuck!
I am "with it" enough to realize all the things that have been undone over the last year and a half and to have them bug me. When I try to accomplish something, I keep it a "bite sized" task and most of the time I accomplish it - unless of course, my mind gets distracted and I start another "bite-sized" task, or 2 or 3......the ADD in me has not diminished!
Why spend all the ink on the before and after? Before I had cancer, it never crossed my mind to be thankful for being able to carry a load of laundry upstairs without thinking about it. When I was so sick, just getting up the stairs didn't happen unless there was someone to help me.
I never thought about doing things--my energy was never a factor in my life. It was always there - tho sometimes a Starbucks or dark chocolate were needed to keep going -- but I could always work and get things done.
Until you have been unable to do more than look at something and wish you could do it, it is impossible to truly appreciate your energy. It is such a gift just to be able to BE, with all your faculties intact. I have never fully appreciated
-being able to take a shower without worrying about bandages and pumps
-turning over in bed without dealing with pumps and tubes
-wearing clothes without wondering if my port was covered
-how good water tastes
-breathing crisp winter air without it paralyzing my throat
-the beautiful blue skies and the brightness of the grass
-the joy of the goldfinches turning bright yellow again
-the merry chirp of the robins or them splashing in my birdbath
-the unbelievable joy of having my whole family together
-the love that others have shared through their prayers and their help
-the peace of sitting in the sunshine and petting Chance
-the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing basic tasks like cleaning my house
-the incredible feeling of sharing God with someone
-the total calm that comes when you know that even though life is awful - God is with you
A friend once said, never forget how awful the bad times are.
I understand now, that those awful times have caused a deep thankfulness to God for all aspects of life-particularly the most basic ones.
Another lesson from the desert -
never take your life, your energy,
your ability to accomplish a task, enjoy nature or love someone
for granted!
It is a special gift from God to you!
Ps 103:2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
Have a blessed Good Friday -
Thanks for checkin' in!
Same effects, different day -- but it could be so much worse!
A friend asked me to paint a picture of what it felt like when I was on the full dose of chemo compared to how I feel now. Without remembering how awfull it was, I cannot be fully thankful for how good I feel now.
On a chemo day, chemo's 1-8, as I would sit in the chair getting my infusion, it would feel as though someone was draining all the blood out of me and replacing it with lead. I would feel heavy and exhausted. It would take all my efforts to walk out of the clinic and drive home. In the beginning, I tried to check off an errand on the way home, because that is when you feel the best. As the chemo's progressed this was not even something I thought of anymore. I was too exhausted. My skin tone would go through a rainbow of colors--yellow and grey being the predominant colors - then bright flushed pink...I would sleep a lot. The more anti-nausea medication and benedryl that I took to feel better and prevent swelling, the more I slept. Had y'all not brought meals, or Todd fixed something for me, I would not have eaten -- it was just too much work. I never thought about what tasks didn't get done -- I didn't really think much -- it was all very hazy. On the good days, I would get dressed and rest - go to Bible study - come home and sleep hard. I always had to build in margin time in case I needed to crash. Everything was a huge effort -- but worth being able to do things. My mind would not work well--I forgot so many things - names of people I new well - events that were big things! I can best describe it as living in a thick fog, with heavy weights on my wrists and ankles, and cotton candy in my head instead of a brain!
Since they reduced the 5FU and removed the oxalyplatin, I truly am a different person. I don't nap much anymore. My energy is still not totally there, but it is much more like my old self than it was. I can walk more briskly than just plodding while hanging on to Todd for dear life. Trips up the stairs are not the huge task that they were. My mind is a bit clearer [no nasty jokes here :)] and I can actually think about something and realize if I am not on the right track--though there are still big gaps in my memory --- yuck!
I am "with it" enough to realize all the things that have been undone over the last year and a half and to have them bug me. When I try to accomplish something, I keep it a "bite sized" task and most of the time I accomplish it - unless of course, my mind gets distracted and I start another "bite-sized" task, or 2 or 3......the ADD in me has not diminished!
Why spend all the ink on the before and after? Before I had cancer, it never crossed my mind to be thankful for being able to carry a load of laundry upstairs without thinking about it. When I was so sick, just getting up the stairs didn't happen unless there was someone to help me.
I never thought about doing things--my energy was never a factor in my life. It was always there - tho sometimes a Starbucks or dark chocolate were needed to keep going -- but I could always work and get things done.
Until you have been unable to do more than look at something and wish you could do it, it is impossible to truly appreciate your energy. It is such a gift just to be able to BE, with all your faculties intact. I have never fully appreciated
-being able to take a shower without worrying about bandages and pumps
-turning over in bed without dealing with pumps and tubes
-wearing clothes without wondering if my port was covered
-how good water tastes
-breathing crisp winter air without it paralyzing my throat
-the beautiful blue skies and the brightness of the grass
-the joy of the goldfinches turning bright yellow again
-the merry chirp of the robins or them splashing in my birdbath
-the unbelievable joy of having my whole family together
-the love that others have shared through their prayers and their help
-the peace of sitting in the sunshine and petting Chance
-the satisfaction that comes from accomplishing basic tasks like cleaning my house
-the incredible feeling of sharing God with someone
-the total calm that comes when you know that even though life is awful - God is with you
A friend once said, never forget how awful the bad times are.
I understand now, that those awful times have caused a deep thankfulness to God for all aspects of life-particularly the most basic ones.
Another lesson from the desert -
never take your life, your energy,
your ability to accomplish a task, enjoy nature or love someone
for granted!
It is a special gift from God to you!
Ps 103:2 Praise the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
Have a blessed Good Friday -
Thanks for checkin' in!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Blessed with Energy that I used to take for Granted!
Side effects are minimal - hands tingly/cracking - painful mouth sores - but mostly manageable
Still not sleeping really well -- still not typing very well
Closing the care calendar -
I am so thankful to say that I have had a good amount of energy. I have been able to do some cleaning and try to catch up on all that has slid. Because of this energy, we are going to close the care calendar.
We are so profoundly thankful to all of you who have helped me with meals, rides and some cleaning. We received meals from the middle of November until the end of March - 3 meals a week!!! My Bible Study friends picked me up and dropped me off - from Brookfield from about Thanksgiving until last week. I cannot believe how many people pitched in to help us. It has been such a blessing to receive the meals and be able to attend Bible Study and see my friends. We ate so much better and stayed more sane because of your loving care.
Because of my energy level tho, I do not need as much help as I did before and
I want to free you up to bless someone else who needs it.
As I look at the list I am blown away by all the helpers. Thank you to each one of you! You were such a blessing!
Eph 1:16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers
Gen 12:2 I have blessed you....
and you will be a blessing....
Thank you that I was the recipient of those blessings!
Still not sleeping really well -- still not typing very well
Closing the care calendar -
I am so thankful to say that I have had a good amount of energy. I have been able to do some cleaning and try to catch up on all that has slid. Because of this energy, we are going to close the care calendar.
We are so profoundly thankful to all of you who have helped me with meals, rides and some cleaning. We received meals from the middle of November until the end of March - 3 meals a week!!! My Bible Study friends picked me up and dropped me off - from Brookfield from about Thanksgiving until last week. I cannot believe how many people pitched in to help us. It has been such a blessing to receive the meals and be able to attend Bible Study and see my friends. We ate so much better and stayed more sane because of your loving care.
Because of my energy level tho, I do not need as much help as I did before and
I want to free you up to bless someone else who needs it.
As I look at the list I am blown away by all the helpers. Thank you to each one of you! You were such a blessing!
Eph 1:16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers
Gen 12:2 I have blessed you....
and you will be a blessing....
Thank you that I was the recipient of those blessings!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Life is short and time is precious!
Nurse check went well - blood work is good - No nupogen needed! Yay and my liver enzyme levels are back to normal! Praising God for that!
Side effects have been mostly mouth sores, hands cracking and tingling and feet starting to tingle
Energy has been good -I pushed hard while the kids were home :) I foresee naps this week to try and catch up! Sleep alternates between deep sound sleep and not sleeping at all ..... which doesn't help my brain to work well!
My heart is overflowing with thankfulness -- The time with our family all together has just been such a gift. It is difficult to coordinate schedules for Lyle's busy family with 4 children, Karl and Gretchen's school and work schedules and Paul's school - oh ya and Todd's crazy calendar too! It was so fun to be all together on Sunday....I am just amazed that Todd pulled off such a surprise -- he was pretty sneaky! It must have been a LOT of work and I am so appreciative of it!!
Today is back to reality -- Paul went back to school yesterday - Karl and Gretchen flew out this morning- Todd went back to work - man the house is empty! I am focusing on thankfulness for the time to avoid feeling too sad.
As I eased back into reality today I was saddened to learn that one of my nurses (one who I have seen the most) is retiring this week. As we spoke, she shared that her husband had died a year ago....she is not all that much older than I am..... Life is short and time is precious!
In the "back to reality" mode, I had some business to tie up regarding selling some of my dad's things -- I had consigned them into the care of an auctioneer in Indiana -- a charming young man that I judge to be around our son's age -- extremely knowledgeable, having learned the profession from his father. I was stunned to learn that he had committed suicide.... I hope he knew the Lord!
Over the weekend, I observed that our 13 year old dog, Chance, has lost some of his vitality and spunk. He has been a constant companion to me - seeing me through my mother dying, a round or two of depression, the stresses of raising children, relocating, becoming empty nesters, my father's death and chemo. It makes me sad to see his condition worsen. He has been such a faithful companion, and now I am walking more slowly to accommodate him, using hand signals to communicate because he is completely deaf, making sure he takes all his pills and trying to ease his arthritic joints. This is an added realization that life is short and time is precious....
Yet I am so thankful that God has blessed us with him for so long....
Anticipating the house being even more empty is truly difficult though.
I am so thankful for God's great blessings - for
Todd's love and thoughtfulness
strength to endure this chemo
that there are only 2 chemo's left
Karl and Paul loving God
Karl's Gretchen being a Godly young woman
Chance
time together
Spring - sun, green grass
the daffodils that Todd and the neighbors planted, timed to come up when chemo was finishing
my Bible study buddies who have been so loving and supportive
technology that keeps me connected
Holy week-a reminder that what I endure is nothing compared to what Christ endured for me
When things get tough, I run to God -- I am so weak by myself.
Jer 29:11 I know the plans I have for you Christine, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
to give you a hope and a future.
Rom 8:28 "I works for the good of those who love me!"
Is 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways" declares the
Lord. (I cannot understand God, only trust him)
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
1 Thess 5:16-18 I am to
Be joyful always, pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances.
" Blessed be the name of Lord, blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of Lord, blessed be your glorious name...
Every blessing you pour out I 'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say
Blessed be the name of Lord ....
You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord blessed be your name....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qp11X6LKYY by Matt Redman -
Thanks for checkin in! Blessings on your holy week!
Side effects have been mostly mouth sores, hands cracking and tingling and feet starting to tingle
Energy has been good -I pushed hard while the kids were home :) I foresee naps this week to try and catch up! Sleep alternates between deep sound sleep and not sleeping at all ..... which doesn't help my brain to work well!
My heart is overflowing with thankfulness -- The time with our family all together has just been such a gift. It is difficult to coordinate schedules for Lyle's busy family with 4 children, Karl and Gretchen's school and work schedules and Paul's school - oh ya and Todd's crazy calendar too! It was so fun to be all together on Sunday....I am just amazed that Todd pulled off such a surprise -- he was pretty sneaky! It must have been a LOT of work and I am so appreciative of it!!
Today is back to reality -- Paul went back to school yesterday - Karl and Gretchen flew out this morning- Todd went back to work - man the house is empty! I am focusing on thankfulness for the time to avoid feeling too sad.
As I eased back into reality today I was saddened to learn that one of my nurses (one who I have seen the most) is retiring this week. As we spoke, she shared that her husband had died a year ago....she is not all that much older than I am..... Life is short and time is precious!
In the "back to reality" mode, I had some business to tie up regarding selling some of my dad's things -- I had consigned them into the care of an auctioneer in Indiana -- a charming young man that I judge to be around our son's age -- extremely knowledgeable, having learned the profession from his father. I was stunned to learn that he had committed suicide.... I hope he knew the Lord!
Over the weekend, I observed that our 13 year old dog, Chance, has lost some of his vitality and spunk. He has been a constant companion to me - seeing me through my mother dying, a round or two of depression, the stresses of raising children, relocating, becoming empty nesters, my father's death and chemo. It makes me sad to see his condition worsen. He has been such a faithful companion, and now I am walking more slowly to accommodate him, using hand signals to communicate because he is completely deaf, making sure he takes all his pills and trying to ease his arthritic joints. This is an added realization that life is short and time is precious....
Yet I am so thankful that God has blessed us with him for so long....
Anticipating the house being even more empty is truly difficult though.
I am so thankful for God's great blessings - for
Todd's love and thoughtfulness
strength to endure this chemo
that there are only 2 chemo's left
Karl and Paul loving God
Karl's Gretchen being a Godly young woman
Chance
time together
Spring - sun, green grass
the daffodils that Todd and the neighbors planted, timed to come up when chemo was finishing
my Bible study buddies who have been so loving and supportive
technology that keeps me connected
Holy week-a reminder that what I endure is nothing compared to what Christ endured for me
When things get tough, I run to God -- I am so weak by myself.
Jer 29:11 I know the plans I have for you Christine, plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
to give you a hope and a future.
Rom 8:28 "I works for the good of those who love me!"
Is 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways, my ways" declares the
Lord. (I cannot understand God, only trust him)
Phil 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
1 Thess 5:16-18 I am to
Be joyful always, pray continually; Give thanks in all circumstances.
" Blessed be the name of Lord, blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of Lord, blessed be your glorious name...
Every blessing you pour out I 'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say
Blessed be the name of Lord ....
You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will chose to say
Lord blessed be your name....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qp11X6LKYY by Matt Redman -
Thanks for checkin in! Blessings on your holy week!
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