PET miracles and thoughts…..

-Oasis of Hope said they need the PET scan results to really be able to tell me how I am doing.  Lots of the level elevations could just be inflammation. 

- Hoping to get my PET results tomorrow, Monday to overnight them to Oasis of Hope

-Tues afternoon, we meet with my oncologist to officially get the results.  Predicting that she will renew her efforts to convince me that IV chemo is the best

-Friday, I meet with my integrative doc to see what he says and have him look at the quality

 of my blood.   

-potassium level back w/in normal range –

-now I have to measure my urine out put to figure out why it dropped  (Life is never dull or boring at the Moritzes!)

- miraculously, the skin on my feet is responding to the cold laser therapy and I do not have blisters yet! (1.5 weeks into the xeloda!) 

-Went to a healing service at St John’s – thankful for the warriors who prayed for us!

-Pain seems slightly better – better living through chemistry!

-A dear friend loaned their dog to us for the weekend – nothing like a furry funny distraction to ease the burden!

Thanks to your prayers:

- I am not crying all day long every day! 

   though I am fragile...

- there is a sense of peace

- I got several little miracles during my PET scan

As many tests are, a Pet is conducted by the patient lying on their back and going in and out of a tube.  A PET takes 24 minutes from the time you go in the tube the first time.  Well, I cannot comfortably lie on my back especially for 24 minutes!!  At cold laser, the table is adjustable and I rest at about a 45 degree angle.  To say I was a bit anxious about how to make it through the scan is an understatement.  After conversation with the technician, I learned that you can be completely anesthetized for the procedure if you truly cannot endure the pain.  However, he listened carefully as I explained that the tumor in the liver area bore down and caused discomfort etc.  This was the best technician I ever had –(some are actually quite callous and un helpful!)  He really listened.  Bottom line, I took extra pain medicine and he propped me up on pillows and folded towels so that my head was almost touching the top of the tube, but I could lie still in relative comfort!!!  That is a miracle – the only position I can lie on for any length of time is my left side! He even counted down the time for me, as that helps me to get through it.

In addition, for the very first time, I asked a friend to go with me and she totally pampered me!  She played had a vase of flowers in the car; praise music while I was being infused; and read a beautiful, tranquil prayer as I started on the test.  There was some scripture and some great conversation that kept me from crying.  (Last time, I had puddles in my ears from crying!)

After we were finished, my tech approached me and said that he had heard her reading scripture to me --- He pulled out his badge/ID holder and it was a beautiful disc with an icthus engraved and “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” on it.  How like God to provide me a Christian tech to encourage me! 

On a different note, some thoughts that have been stewing around in my head go kinda like this….

-       been doing this for a year – without much cheating of any kind

-       it’s cost a fortune

-       am not able to tolerate a lot of the supplements

-       all these protocols take a LOT of energy and time to execute and maintain

-       every outing takes energy to figure out the food

-       my gut pretty much always is uncomfortable –

    feels like my organs are in a metal basket-

    that’s plugged in to electricity!

Not sure this is working at all….

Wondering if maybe I should just cave in and do chemo….

     (would never consider this if had not done it before - but that corrupts the body so badly I

     cannot fight from a "clean" pallet of an un-chemo'd body)

Not that I am excited about this prospect –just wondering if it would be a better option.

I know that I cannot give up fighting – perhaps I would have more energy to fight that way…..

Perhaps the chemo shrinking the tumors would alleviate the pain and my quality of life would be better. (no I have not forgotten about how sick I got –or about the weekly port flushes, or the pump that you wear for 48 hours after infusion…..that I am even thinking about this tells you how lousy I feel)

The statistics between US and Oasis of Hope, for colon cancer are about the same…..(other cancers they do much much better than here in the states – not colon cancer tho ) so not sure this is really making a big dent.

Not saying I’m gonna do this – trying to be transparent and let you know that this is the kind of thing that rolls around in my head when I cannot sleep at night…

On a more thankful note – We have friends that we’ve known a very long time who have not really been Christian – kinda walked away from their faith a long time ago.  Through God’s orchestrating, we have gotten reconnected, have had several deep, long conversations about God, faith, the bible and they are praying for me!!!  As I said last time around, “ If me having cancer is what it takes to get them to pray, I am ok with that!”  There is nothing more precious, energizing and exciting that talking to “new” believers who are super excited and loaded with questions!  It gives me such a sense of purpose which is really important because I have become so limited on what I can actually “do.”  

Also thankful I could play in the dirt for about 1/2 hour today before I totally flamed out 

Thank you so much for the outpouring of kind words, prayers and support!  Obviously this waiting is a grueling time.  So many have sent me scripture verses – Thank you! I will close with some of them as it is the rock to which we cling!

Jeremiah 17:14

Heal me LORD and I will be healed;

save me and I will be saved,

for you are the one that I praise! 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

But he said to me, “ My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

   This was my grandparents wedding verse – my grandfather was literally at death’s door having been wounded during world war I – and they lived for many many years despite the “statistics!”

To close with a smile rather than tears, I am posting a picture from our family get away -- notice how our sweet little granddaughter posed looking over her shoulder for me!  Hope it makes you chuckle!  

Thanks for checkin in and for carrying us with your love and prayers...they are the only thing getting us through the tough conversations, days and hours!  You are such a blessing!  

Prayers please - reality is scary

Got preliminary bloodwork back and it is not good –

  Cancer numbers are up and

  Numbers that indicate organ dysfunction also are up

PET scan scheduled for tomorrow at 1:45  PST

  Prayers appreciated – a miracle actually would be great!

So how am I really???

Terrible – have not posted because have been so discouraged and self-pitying.  It is difficult to keep up all these protocols, to feel terrible, to be in pain and then to  realize that up until this point, I really thought that we would beat this thing and that I would get to the “peaceful coexistence” that Oasis of Hope talked about.  Now, Well can I just say – this is awfull??? I hate losing and I feel like I am losing – my life!

I could tell you about my struggles with digestion (again) or stopping suppplements to feel more human (again) or with pain management (still) – but I have no energy for that – All I can do is cry – can’t even call people – just crying too hard….

I know God is able to heal me.  It is reconciling the “what if that is not His plan” with my hopes and dreams.  Praying I can strengthen my faith – 

Thank you for your prayers and love—please pray for Todd because he is the one holding us together and this is harder than it has been…..

I have no clue how to deal with the terror except scripture - so here goes...

Is 41:10  Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthn you, yes I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 

Romans 8:31-33 What then shall we say in response to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all – how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things??

Ps 18:2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock in whom I take refuge,

my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Is 43:1-3 Fear not for I have redeemed you,

I have summoned you by name –you are mine

When you pass through the waters I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you  

When you walk through the filre, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze, for I am the Lord your God.

Phil 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - 

                        Even when I have no idea how to do this.....

Is 40:30, 31 Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary-they will walk and not be faint…

1 Peter 5:6, 7 Humble yourselves, therefore under God’s might hand, that he may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 

                      Even when it feels like he doesn’t care….I have to hang on to the truth

                      that I know, not the feelings that overwhelm me!

Ps 103:1-5  Praise the Lord, oh my soul;

    All my inmost being praise his holy name.

Praise the Lord my soul

   And forget not all his benefits –

Who forgives all your sins

   And heals all your diseases

Who redeems your life from the pit

   And crowns you with love and compassion

Who satisfies your desires with good things

   So that your youth is renewed like the eagles

Thanks for holding us in prayer –

Thanks for checkin’ in!

Lots can happen in 9 days!

Since I last blogged:

We had holy week-

Todd executed a huge surprise for our 35th anniversary (more to come)

Easter happened! He is Risen!

We were gone for 5 days! ( I thought it was going to be 1 night!)

Laetril vacation for 5 days (trying to feel better)

Off most supplements for 5 days - trying to control gastric distress and pain :(

Now -
Back to reality - blood draw, IV infusion yesterday, cold laser therapy yesterday

Back on supplements yesterday

Start xeloda yesterday

Recovering from being gone for 5 days 

I have bragged about Todd before, but the level of detail he went to working with the boys to make this surprise happen for me is unbelievable!  I had not a clue what was happening!  He told me we would be gone Fri morning to Sat night and to expect colder temperatures and walking.  I dutifully packed,  but thought it odd he wanted me to put my tennis shoes in my suitcase because I thought it was a road trip - and usually we just throw them in the trunk for easy access.  Then he called Uber!

We ended up on a plane for Phoenix!  (I'm cutting out details because we'll be here forever!)  As we exited the skytrain in Phoenix- across the hall were our kids!!!! There was for me this time/space warp that I have struggled with since my first round of chemo -- where am I? what city are we in? wait a minute! why are they here? where are we? where is here? what day is it? Oh my GOSH!! 

They had great fun laughing at me and such - you can imagine!  I was too distracted with our granddaughter to really care about details - except to ask if we had to say goodbye to them the next day - to which Todd said no.  I did not ask more questions, thinking Phoenix was our final destination, and they kept the surprise going!  

We ate lunch at a Christine friendly restaurant - Todd does research to find places like this for me <3 (also grocery stores that have my food!)

and we piled back into the car.  By the way, I felt icky and our granddaughter has a STRONG aversion to her car seat and some roads were a little too curvy for those with motion sickness in the car.....It was a memorable trip including a vociferous, piercing 2 1/2

year old's request to be released from her prison of a car seat, a barf bag and a roadside change of clothes!  The things memories are made of - lol.   

Our destination was a large, lovely home in the mountains outside of Flagstaff.  Over dinner, they let me in on the God story....

This home was an auction item that had been donated to OLu.  We had bid on it for awhile,  but had backed out.  Well---some dear friends won the home, and presented Todd with the certificate as a gift!!! (still can't think about it without crying!)  What a huge, loving gift!  

I believe the owners of the home, finding out it was a surprise for me, gave us an extra day as well!!  How kind and generous of them both!  

Back home now, it is hard to believe it all happened this way!  

Most things in my journey are a mix of happy and sad blessings.  One of the things that was really hard was to realize how low my stamina has sunk and how much my life revolves around pain management.  I took a lot more pain killers than usual, but as Todd says - "I'd rather wear out than rust out!"  Unfortunately, they worked marginally.  There were several times where I was so exhausted that I just cried - as much from exhaustion as from discomfort.  It was borne in upon me that our granddaughter and I have lots in common.  We both needed naps - regular meals, designed to suit our palate's whim at the moment - exercise, but not too much- got frustrated when things didn't go the way we thought they should go - and cried when life got to be too much.  

There was one bittersweet window when we were in the car driving during nap time and I was resting (too uncomfortable to sleep) and my face must have reflected that discomfort because one of our sons was very upset to see how uncomfortable I was -- We cried together and I reminded him that no matter how miserable I felt - It was still Easter, God was still on the throne and His plan was still the best.... I got extra hugs and he helped me count down the time on the trip and encouraged me, holding my hand and just being a loving presence. 

Sometimes, it is most helpful just to have someone sit with you in your misery and hold your hand and share kleenexes - kinda like Job... Tho not my most favorite memory, it is a tender, loving memory for which I am thankful.  

Several very sweet windows which we replayed several times were "hiding" in the closets at the house with our grand daughter and letting her fertile imagination have full reign! She also bids fair to be a great tour director because we "visited" the beach, the aquarium, the children's museum, the zoo, the library and swam! It is surely a demonstration of God's goodness to allow me to enjoy this sweet play time!  

Its used to be that scenery reminded me so much of how awesome our God is.  Visiting Grand Canyon certainly speaks to that.  Yet having my family around one table (well one of us didn't sit much - lol) but we were all together and the knowledge that they had worked so hard to pull this off for me was such a gift of love-- Made me think of the verse....If you, though you are evil,  know how to give good gifts to your children,  how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! (Matt 7:11)  I am so blessed - despite my difficulties!  Looking at their faces - I am so humbled and thankful!  How can you look at the wonder in a child's eyes and doubt the existence of God???

I am so thankful to all who contributed to this grand scheme- especially my sweet husband who orchestrated it! and am desperately praying that the tumors shrink so that I can have many more of these grand adventures and anniversaries....

Meanwhile, back to my reality of fighting this beast....Todd pointed out that though I have avoided the IV chemo "for life" it seems that it may be xeloda "for life."  Makes me cry.... I really thought I would feel better....Starting the xeloda again has hit me hard -- totally exhausted and queasy.  Trying to teach myself to belch to relieve the gastric distress is pretty funny in the middle of all this!  Hey - ya gotta laugh when you can!  

It will be interesting to see what the blood draw says and also in a few weeks what the PET says....

Thanks for checkin' in -- Thankful for all of your prayers and concern!