Moss doesn't grow on a rolling stone.....

We made it back from MT and are off to NC in the morning....

I have been blessed to feel really good through this trip, and since we haven't seen Todd's dad and mom in so long, we are driving down to see them tomorrow - leaving early.  

Here's some high points from our Montana visit:

- we stayed with Gretchen's parents and felt as though we had known them for years!

  (They took a risk - 5 days of company you have never met! they were brave!)  

- we met her sister and family and had fun with their children

- we laughed, played games, ate too much and had lots of fun

- we worshipped together

- we went shopping for Gretchen's dress and she found one while I was there!!!!  

  I was thrilled to be a part of that!

- we went shopping for Mother's dresses and Eve and I decided that would be a much longer 

   process! but we had fun!

- we enjoyed an outdoor fire and star gazing (the clouds lifted a bit)  

- we learned about beer brewing from one of Karl's friends 

- we researched venues and caterers and brainstormed about the wedding

- we slept too little and were very sad to leave

You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing - Ps 145:16

We have prayed for years for Karl and Paul's wives-to-be -- asking that God give them women that are strong in their faith.  He opened his hand.....and we are blessed by not only Gretchen, but by her strong faith filled family!

Through this whole visit, I didn't take one nap!  I didn't feel sick!  I had energy!  

This is my own little miracle!  I cannot believe it!  God has truly blessed me!

Now off to the laundry and repacking.....

Next stop - NC!  

We are squeezing as much living in to the days between chemos ---

Praying that this is a fun, relaxing family time for you - and that as you spend time with your family, you intentionally make efforts to grow their faith -- to testify to God's goodness -- to seize the teachable moments and point to the reason for your hope!  

Thank you so much for praying for us -- You are a blessing to us!

Blessed to be with family

Feeling good and so happy to be with my family!


I survived the hardest part of the trip - packing all the stuff that was to come with us!
We made it to Montana and are having a blast with Gretchen's family.  God truly blessed me to be strong enough to enjoy this time.  


I will be taking off a few days while we have the opportunity to be all together!  


Thank you so much for spending time checking in with me.  
I pray that this Christmas time is steeped in love of our God--be blessed!  
I'll be back on the 27th or 28th.....
Love to you all!




Glory to God in the highest and peace on earth.......Luke 2:14

What a difference!

Much better today!  Still a little nausea and a headache, but better energy!


What a difference a day makes!  I am so thankful to feel more like my old self again!  
Chance and I walked this morning - about 1 1/2 miles.  That always helps the day!  Paul helped me run some errands today and I caught up on laundry!  (tough to pack if the laundry isn't done!)


I am still fighting a cough, sinus stuff and headache--praying it stays inconsequential.  Still get winded climbing the stairs :( Still have the "finger in the socket" feeling -- kinda jittery, but overall cannot complain! 


This total turn around I attribute solely to your prayers...
It is too radical, and nothing else is different!  In addition, the shot yesterday was supposed to make me feel pretty yucky - 
Thank you so much for lifting me up!  You have made such a difference for us!  
I can only think of Ps 50:15 which is one of my very favorites -
"Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you will honor me!"  


I called -- you lifted me up - God made me feel better! 
What can I do but  say thank you and point to my healer???
Happy Dance!!!
Thank you!

Check up -

Had a checkup today - blood counts low enough to warrant a "blood booster"
Feeling ok - not great - not normal - 
  but good enough to realize all the stuff I have to do in the next 3 days!!! Yikes!
  Good thing that Christmas will happen whether I am ready for it or not!
Walked 2 1/2 miles today - Yay!


Blood counts today were lower than this point last time, which is to be expected. (It doesn't make it better though!)  Because they know that I am traveling and they want me to be as strong as possible, they gave me a shot of neupogen.  This will stimulate my bone marrow to make more blood cells.  Side effects include (among other things) body aches for several days :(
Oh well -- I am banking on this making me strong enough to resist all the germs on the flight!  


Another nasty side effect is this "amped up" jittery feeling that starts about the weekend after chemo and just hangs on.  I mentioned last post that I was really emotional....that is still making life challenging for me - and my poor family.  I am so snarly!  This is probably a large contributor to the "stressed out" feeling.  Sure hope it goes away when all this is finished!  I am so done with it!!


One a more cheerful note - I have made a photo collage on the front of my fridge of Christmas photos -- that way I am reminded of all of you that are loving me through this -- it makes me smile every time I see it, so thanks for sending them!  Those of you that don't send pictures, e-mail one to me so that I can add you to my collection!  



A friend sent this quote from K-Love to me
“Faith doesn’t deny a problem’s existence.  It denies it a place of influence.”  How difficult it is to not allow this to have an influence.  I have hit the portion of this game where I am unable to do the things that I love doing, that are "normal" - like attend parties, go to dinner with Todd or walk in cold weather.           It makes me really crabby!  
Once again, I have to change my focus from what I cant do to what I have/can do --- 
    How many times do I have to learn this lesson??? 
I am thankful for:
  nice, un-Wisconsin like weather                Christmas lights to brighten the early darkness
  great neighbors that help us out                Paul being here at home
  my phone-keeps me connected to y'all    my fingers being less sensitive than they were
  great job with great insurance !!!               photos of friends to make me smile
  playing canasta - even if I lose often :)     good food(often delivered!)- being able to eat it 
  That I live here in the US and not in the middle of some war-torn country....
  For God's love for me - for us all!


Nothing like counting blessings to make the day better!  



Once again, thank you for checking in on us -- I continue to be amazed by how many people still are looking for my blog and say they are encouraged by it.  All I can say is 
God can use anything for His good and His glory-I am proof of it!   


"That had to be God, cause I know Christine and it couldn't have been just her! She had help!"


You bet I do!  :) Thankful for my Help!
  Ps 118:7 The Lord is with me, He is my helper!  I will look in triumph on my enemies!

Karl got engaged last night!

So happy for them!  Can't wait to be there -- see the cute pictures on facebook if you haven't already!  What a joy!


Still tired but feeling more like myself physically - emotionally, not so much!
Prone to bursting into tears multiple times a day, or being really crabby -- my poor family!
My hands still are super sensitive - guess to match my emotions :) 
Fighting a runny nose and a cough--hoping it is goes away fast!


Rejoicing in Karl and Gretchen, and enduring the rest - 


He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is fixed on you, because he trusts in you..Is 26:3


If I could just keep my mind fixed on Him.....not on me....

Long Week! Friday and finally starting to come back to life

Getting a bit better-hands are still pins and needles - but nausea is getting better.

Highlight of yesterday - Paul came home :)

Yesterday spent much of the day in bed - this chemo stuff is hard work!!

The nausea kept me busy feeling sorry for myself.  

The pins/needles in my hands makes everything difficult from picking up a glass plate to cutting an apple to washing dishes to answering my phone.  It makes me clumsy too.

Highlight of today, I ran a few errands!  separated by long naps of course..... 

I still can't believe how much I sleep!  

Thankful for my family, for my pillow and for the nausea being lessened.....

Ps 116:1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy.....

Thank God It's Friday!

1/4 of the way done with chemo!

Blessed to be disconnected from the pump.

very very tired - still struggling with numbness and tingling in my fingers

nausea is there, but controlled - tho it affects my eating/drinking - 

   I have to work to drink enough fluids to not dehydrate - 

   everything tastes terrible

so in my weary stupor, I try to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God and consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that I do not become weary and lose heart  (Heb 12 :2-3)

Today I am thankful for:

the rain being rain and not snow 

   (Todd does not need to worry about clearing snow, working and taking care of me!)

a cozy blanket for my endless nap

drugs to help me feel better 

dinners that just "appear"

"hot hands" hand warmers to get feeling back into my fingers

being strong enough to walk with Todd

for his loving care of me

being 1/4 of the way done

friends who encourage me

God's blessings and thanks for your prayers for us!

Dr. Oz What poop color is "normal" - My story if you missed it before

http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/what-your-stool-telling-you
This article is very helpful in figuring out what is abnormal.   Any change to what has been normal for you should be watched carefully and discussed with your doctor. 

So many of you have asked questions, expressed concern about what is normal--Asked what symptoms I had - Thanks for having the courage to ask - I will talk about this with anyone -- so here it goes again - if you know the story - skip this part


My only symptoms were 3 days in July, the 1st, 2nd and 3rd which were the day of my dad's funeral and the two days thereafter, when we ate fresh blackberry pie.  I had blood in my stool, like a ribbon through the poop - if you have ever had an animal that ate a rubber band, or a baby sock and pooped it out you know what I mean.  There was no blood on the paper, no blood in the water - only a thin ribbon in the stool itself.  This happened 3 days and went away.  I attributed it to stress and fresh blackberries.  (I had been in IN since May 21st, and stayed there until August 16th, dissolving dad's estate) When I got back, I went to my primary care doc, she ordered an ultrasound and colonoscopy.  Immediately after I had the order for the tests, I began again having the ribbon of blood in the stool--this time for several days at a time, and then it would go away.  
During my pre-scope consultation, Dr. Carballo said that he thought this was probably all stress related and was nothing to worry about, but we would check it all out.  
Immediately after he finished the procedure, he told Todd (and me, but I was too out of it to understand!)that I had cancer, and gave him Dr. Klas's name.  He said that Dr. Klas would be calling me tomorrow.   
By God's great grace and strength, Todd took me home, made breakfast for me and tucked me in on the couch and went to work, knowing I had cancer, and that I didn't have a clue.  He was facilitating a conference that day -- I don't know how he did it except through God's strength!  
I cannot imagine how hard it was for him to wake me up (no, I hadn't moved!) and then sit me down and tell me I had cancer.   That must have been one of the hardest things he has ever had to do -- I get teary just thinking about it.  


That was 10/6.  Thanks to the wonderful people at the Vince Lombardi Clinic, I had a cat scan and tons of bloodwork and met with a host of doc's the 10th.  The surgeon was confident that this would be no biggie - they would get it out and that would be that.  The oncologist said it was nice to meet me and I wouldn't be seeing him again, but "here's my card if you ever do need me."  None of these docs thought this would be stage 3! but it was.  


My point is this -- none of these professionals thought I had it -- I am not the poster child for colon cancer! (Obesity is a huge indicator of colon cancer) and yet I have it - stage 3


Check the bowl!  Monitor your body!  You are your best health care advocate!  

Remembering and thankful - Better than last time

New nausea meds help!  Made it to Bible Study!  (thanks to my drivers!) weary though.


I am thankful to say that the nausea has held off until tonight, which is longer than last time.  It is starting to act up a bit now.  
The tingly, painful fingers have continued -- I took one of those "hot hands" hand warmers with me to bible study today and kept my mittens on most of the day and that has helped. Typing with mittens doesn't work tho! ;) Also I keep dropping things -my handwriting is illegible! 
I have been blessed with somewhat more energy today than I had last time.  Still took a long nap and haven't walked today tho.   Thankful that it is a bit easier so far compared to last time.


I received this quote from Max Lucado's Fearless  in an e mail and thought it was wonderful - following the theme from yesterday of God going before me.

"But it is in storms that He does His finest work, for it is in storms that He has our keenest attention.  We cannot go where God is not.  Look over your shoulder; that's God following you.  Look into the storm;  that's Christ coming toward you. 

You will never face the future without God's help.  You have a travel companion.

When you place your faith in Christ, Christ places his Spirit before, behind, and within you.  Not a strange spirit, but the same Spirit:  the parakletos.  As Jesus sends you into new seasons, He sends His counselor to go with you.

 God never sends you out alone.  Heaven's message for you is clear:  when everything else changes, God's presence never does.  You journey in the company of the Holy Spirit." 

 "the Holy Sprit intercedes for us with groanings that can't even be uttered."  Romans 8:26

Several of my Bible Study buddies and I were talking about remembering the bad times that we go through and how important it is to remember the awful stuff of our lives.  

The first line of this quote nails it- 

In the storms He does his finest work-has our keenest attention.....


In the storms we cling the tightest to Him and we see His provision.  
If we don't work to remember those dark times, they will fade into our distant memory.  By consciously remembering those dark times, we remember also how he delivered us out of them -- how He lead us to quiet waters and restored our souls. 
 Do I really want to forget the valley of the shadow of death? 
 How he quieted my panic? 
 How he provided for me? 
 How he delivered me?  
 How my cup overflowed with blessings in the midst of trouble? 
    NO!
Every time I remember how often he has delivered me, it gives me comfort, hope and courage that he will do it again!  It motivates me to "dwell in the house of the Lord forever."  (from Ps 23) 


Remember and be thankful!

Number 3 under way

Blood counts were good - thx for praying!
They added an additional anti nausea medication in hopes of improving my quality of life.  
Hooked up to the pump now.


Dr. Frick was very pleased with my blood work and said I looked great and that the exercise was helping to build my blood up.  


I am struggling with hand cramps and the "pins and needles" effect in my fingers all the way back to the first knuckle - even the nails! - even though I am not touching anything cold.  Typing and texting are challenge due to lack of coordination also. 


The beginning of this was written when I got home, and still felt pretty good.  Three hours and a nap later, I am beginning the down hill slide.   
The nausea is at bay with the seabands and the IV meds, but 
my head aches, 
water and food taste awfull,  
even mildly cool food makes my tongue sting
I am not hungry 
I am beginning the body aches.  
      Enough whining!


And so I begin marking time - every hour down is one I don't have to do again!  
I am thankful 
that my friend brought dinner early today -- I ate when it still tasted good!  
to be this far 
for my nurses and Doc
for Todd always lightening things up
for your encouraging texts, fb posts and e-mails
for the pretty lights on the tree
for my sweet dog nuzzleing me to remind me that it is dinner time 
    (he has quite an amusing routine!)
that I am not yet greatly nauseated
for scripture courage  
    2 Cor 12:9 my grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.....


love to you and thank you for checking in !


ps a friend said that she would not be able to be as thankful as I am, were she in my shoes --
If the truth is told, my inclination is not remotely to be thankful, rather to elaborate in detail my whining list and 
   moan about how unfair this all is and 
      how I have missed so much of this year and
          on and on and on....
I have to make a conscious effort to look for the good - to be thankful for what is positive.  It makes it easier to bear the difficulty and makes me nicer to be around   :)  just ask Todd!
So don't think this is my natural instinct -- I have to work really hard at it 
      - taking every thought captive (2 Cor 10:5)
Pastor Hower used to say,
"God cares more about your character than your comfort"  
If this is a tool that God uses to conform my character to the character of His son,  I would be a fool to set myself up in opposition to him -- just think what other tactics He might use!  


I choose rather the words from 1Peter 5:6-7 which a friend texted to me this morning - 
"Humble yourselves then under God's mighty hand, that in due time he will lift you up.  Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."


And so I make a conscious effort.....

Social Butterfly

Blessed to be feeling more like myself - 
Chemo Number 3 of 12 tomorrow, assuming blood counts are good enough


I had energy enough to run some errands, attend a visitation, attend Paul's Christmas concert, serve at a funeral, go to church and attend a family gathering as well as do a bunch of domestic "have to s"!  woohoo!!!  Hoping to get some ornaments on the tree tonight and get ready for the week.  I treasure feeling "normal" and try not to think about how many hours til I start chemo again.  It is like a big black cloud coming my way--I have to remember that it could be so much worse!  


Btw - some of you have asked, no my hair isn't falling out.  I just like the hat!  :)
They tell me it won't fall out -- we'll see! 


As I think about going in tomorrow, I am not really afraid.  I just dread it. 

There's things I have to do to get ready-- things like: 
  make sure all the laundry is done  - 
  clean the house - the dog fur really piles up
  make sure to prepare for any special events during the week including the weekend
  check to see that any needed medication is available -
  bake bread to get me through the nausea (Todd is a great bread baker!)
  catch up on my thank you notes so I don't get farther behind
  put music on my ipod touch
  soak in God's promises to give me courage


Things that cause me to be thankful - even if they sometimes bring tears - 
singing Christmas carols and favorite hymns  -- miss my mom -- 
honoring a Godly woman as her life is celebrated by generations-a role model to be emulated!
texting with my kids about Christmas plans-wondering how much i'll be able to do
unpacking the creche and putting it up --makes me miss my dad
getting Christmas cards from friends - hearing the news
realizing how little time I really have to get ready for Christmas and our trip West
seeing extended family and realizing how much time has passed since the last time
eating food and really tasting how good it is


I got another lovely card this morning with several wonderful quotes about courage

"Do not be afraid of tomorrow, for God is already there!"  


The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still.....and know that I am God! 
(Ex 14:14, Ps 46:10)


That gives me courage!  


Thank you for checking in--for praying me down this road!  




  

Reach Out!

Today I finally have more energy!  Very thankful for that!
Still wear out pretty easily.  


Yesterday I was hoping to have more energy, but really couldn't do much.  Today however, I had enough energy to run the vacuum, mop the floor, walk a couple miles and go to lunch with friends from St. Louis!  I am thankful to feel a bit more like my old self - though everything seems to take me longer-I am not moving at my normal pace.  


Tonight I would ask for prayers of comfort for the Martin Luther High School Community as they mourn the loss of Debi Roca, the long time cafeteria manager, who died suddenly last night.  She was a wonderful energetic person, who had a great rapport with the kids.  My heart goes out to her husband....


This time of year can be so hard for people, especially if they have suffered a loss of any kind.  Everyone seems happy and busy, but if you are the broken hearted one, it is easy to feel left out and alone.  The truth is, not everyone is happy - tho they probably are busy.  Staying busy helps keep the pain away.  


Y'all have been fabulous praying for us, caring for us and many of you are far away.  
Please look around you wherever you are.  
Look for the people who are alone or lonely, 
whether by transfer, unemployment, deployment, divorce or death.
It can be awkward and uncomfortable to reach out, to include them in our conversations, meals or holiday celebrations - but that is what God tells us to do.  
  "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matt 25:40)


Empathize with how they are feeling - or 
--and this is so important
if you are the one feeling sad and alone, 
remember 
there is always someone else who is feeling just as wounded and lost as you are.  
Reach out to them - 
  smile, (this is so easy and can make such a difference!)
    say hi,
      invite them for coffee or a meal.  
When you force yourself to think about the other person,
to reach out to them--you will feel better and so will they.  
It's that unexplainable, "It is more blessed to give than to receive"  thing.  Acts 20:35 


I know, I know - 
  "I can't reach out to someone I don't know!" "What if they think I am crazy?" 
  "What if they ignore me? or laugh at me?"  "What will my friends/family think?"
   "I can't!"
How do you know you can't reach out to someone?  Have you tried before?  
   Take pity on them, swallow your pride, smile and say hi! 
   Try again! What have you got to lose?
   Think of them as being Jesus, wondering if you will ignore the loneliness.
If they think you are crazy, do you really value their opinion that much? 
    Look around the world - don't you think it could use more nice, crazy people?
If they ignore you, 
    just smile and move on.  Be content knowing you tried.
If they laugh at you, 
    laugh with them - and invite them to share the chuckle over a cup of coffee! 
    Laughter is good medicine!
What will your friends and family think?  
    Well they probably already know about you, so they won't be that surprised! :)
    They will secretly be impressed at your courage, also!  


Anywhere you are, no matter how far down you are, there is always someone worse off.  
Find them, 
   be kind and 
      make a difference.  
It gets easier every time you do it and 
    the rewards are unbelievable!




    

Nurse check report - Slower bouncing back

Low Blood counts - susceptible to infection :( but feeling pretty good - just tired 

Trying to cram 2 weeks worth of living into one week!

We were blessed to have a good weekend and I made it to bible study today.  I feel pretty decent, though nausea hung on til yesterday.  I get tired much more easily now.  Things like talking after church, or bible study leave me pretty well drained of energy and routine chores are tiring - but that is all part of this game!  Overall, the side effects were harder and longer than the first time.  I simply cannot allow my brain to think about how I will be by round 10, 11 or 12..... too scarey!  It calls for a dose of courage - Ex 14:14 - The Lord will fight for you -- you need only be still.  
Good thing -cause being still's about all I can do!!!

My nurse check yesterday went long -- my white and red blood counts are low and they had to confer whether they were going to give me medicine to combat that.  The consensus was to not give me anything, but let my body build itself back up.  I think that is good - not sure  :)

Please pray that my body can heal itself and that I can be disciplined to do my exercises (yuck) and eat properly and take my medicine cheerfully.  If my levels do not come up, they may postpone chemo. Our trip to MT is scheduled around when I am "better" so shifting the schedule will impact our trip.  I am trusting God.... Prov 3:5-6

The sermon this weekend talked about presence.  

He referred to a ministry of presence --

    Thank you to each of you for your ministry of presence to us.  Your notes, hugs, texts, calls

    and meals have blessed us so much.  Whether you are far away, or just across the street, 

    we feel your presence and love and are lifted up.  

He talked about how each of us changes the room by our presence.  

Anywhere you are, you change the dynamics by being there - by what you bring-by your attitude.

Did you ever think about that?  

I never did before. I had no idea how much I had influenced people.  The stack of cards and my e-mail box is proof that I had made a difference - and I didn't even know it!  

How are you changing the dynamics of your circle of influence? 

Are you positive and cheerful or a grumpy old Scrooge? 

Are people lifted up after they spend time with you or do you suck the life out of them?    

Do you bring peace and a thankful spirit - or do you bring a critical spirit? 

 "If the love of the Lord is in your heart, why doesn't it show on your face?"  :) 

It is difficult to have a positive attitude.  It is possible, though to bring a peaceful, positive spirit to any situation if you are spending time in the presence of the Lord.  
Matt 19:26, "with God all things are possible."  
Happiness is dependent on our circumstances.  Joy is dependent on God and He gives peace.
John 14:27 My peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled.... 


I am living proof of that. 


May you spend time in His presence so that your presence is a blessing to those around you.  

Better and Blessed!

Slightly less nauseated, slightly more energy - hallelujah! 

Blessed by the struggle!

I am feeling a little bit better today.  

The nausea is still there, but it is not as incapacitating.  

I have a little more energy - was able to walk today about 2 miles.  I did have some cold side effects, but was able to tough it out.  The most disconcerting side effect was that when I uncovered my face, and breathed normally, I felt like I was suffocating.  I guess the cold cramps my breathing "muscles" just like my hands :(  

I have to figure out a way around this, because I can't not breathe outside - lol!

On a more introspective note:

Todd posted the song Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster last night in a comment on my blog. He reminded me it was advent, a time of waiting, and said that I would get stronger as I waited on God for my health to come back.  

When you are feeling bad, and cannot even think, it is hard to comprehend feeling better, let alone getting any stronger.  

When you have a set back, you cannot think about being beyond it. 

Yet 

every time there is an obstacle in your path, and you 

--climb it -- survive it -- conquer it -- get around it -- endure it to the end --

you become stronger.  Not necessarily physically stronger, but you trust God more.  

When you have experienced him carrying you, 

  helping you when you cannot help yourself --

      then your trust grows....  

One of the  most powerful gifts that I have received 

(and I have received many!!! thank you so much!) is an I-tunes gift card with a list of "strengthening" songs from dear friends of strong faith.  

Their kind of strength does not come from the mountaintop experiences in life - 

rather it comes from 

  -- problems -- disappointments -- struggles -- despair -- pain -- grief -- obstacles -- 

   .  

"What if your blessings come thru raindrops

what if your healing comes thru tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are 

what it takes to know you're near..... 

what if the trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" (Laura Story, Blessings)

I am thankful for the obstacles and hardships I have experienced because

they cause me to look for and clearly see God's provision for me 

they strengthen my belief in his promises and 

    my trust in him.  

I could never have said this truthfully several years ago - 

but God taught me through problems that they're His mercies by which he will strengthen me.  

      I am blessed.....

By what obstacles is God strengthening you?

Same old - same old

Pretty much the same as yesterday - 


Trying to be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances -(1 Thess 5:16-18) but it is an uphill battle some days - 


So here's what I am thankful for today:
That I am only nauseated, and not vomiting
For naps
Sunshine
For a a comfy couch, in a warm house, in a peaceful country, on which to rest/nap
For clean water, even if it tastes funky from the chemo
That the goal of this chemo is "cure"  and not "palliative"
That I have enough energy to type a bit and text a bit
Friends and family 
Chance, my dog, who does funny things and makes me laugh
Music




The best side effect of fighting a life-threatening disease is learning how to live -
    Roger Ebert


Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord 
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  


Clinging to the hope and future....

Untethered - and yuck but bearable

Got disconnected from the pump - thankful for that
Not as nauseated as last time - (tho still nauseated)  thankful for that
Exhausted - thankful I can rest
Walked a mile and a half -  hands stinging all the way - thankful to exercise
Took a shower (it's the little things in life!) Todd is really thankful for this one :)




a lot like like yesterday - making it, but it isn't pretty.


God is carrying me....
Thanks for prayin' me strong - can't imagine how awful I would be without your prayers!  
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.....James 5:16


Blessings to each of you!!! 

yuck but bearable

I feel disgusting but will get through it!


Humbled some more - exhaustion made me leave bible study early this morning :(
Smells affect me profoundly w a gag reflex 
     (like people's hand lotion or after shave, perfume or the scent diffuser in a public rest room)
I alternate between sweating profusely and being chilled to the bone - nice huh?
I am not hungry-nothing tastes really good (chemo messes w your taste buds)
   Todd is patient, getting me to eat-I am so thankful for him!
There is no energy to walk :( gotta really push myself and only made it 1/2 mile
     and my hands, feet, face and butt feel like they have needles sticking in them- weird!
Spasms in my hands make typing/texting hard
Cold makes my eyelids twitch so my vision is distorted and makes my cheeks scrunch up and 
     my lips cramp like I am saying the oo sound


I cannot help but contrast how much love and encouragement I am receiving from all of you with how alone my dad was.  He lived with years and years of severe back pain from spinal stenosis - battled pain,  pain killers and loneliness after mom died.  There were people, including me, who tried to care for him, tried to reach out, to invite him over or out, to care for him.  He set us firmly at a distance.  How much richer his life could have been had he let us in to share his walk.  The poor man never let people minister to him.  I think he was afraid to let people in-to let them see his pain or sorrow.  That pride kept him on a very lonely island.  How sad!


I am thankful for being taught the lesson of sharing my life.  I had no idea how it would enrich my walk!  and to think that I almost didn't "go public"  -- what all I would have missed!  Thank you!

Someplace it says that a friend divides sorrow and multiplies joy - 
     anyone know where that is from?  --too tired to track it down - 


I cannot explain how you have divided my sorrow and multiplied my joy ----
to have so many people caring and praying for me...bringing me dinners....offering me rides....wearing my bracelets...beaming with smiles when they see me.... 
The blessings that I have received from being open about my walk have been huge!  
Thank you for all the encouragement and love!
I will make it through this - by God's grace and you all being "Jesus with skin on"!


Another thanks for those who do dinners for us!  They've saved our butts!  'Specially Todd's!   :)  
If you are bringing us a meal, and would like to drop off earlier in the day, that would be great! I am stronger earlier in the day, and It seems like it is easier, rather than fighting rush hour traffic. 
Some have asked what sounds good to eat, to which I smile and say, "it depends on the day."  Even if I feel yucky, I am thankful that Todd has a good meal, so God bless you for your efforts in this! and thank you for this tangible blessing!  We are so very thankful!

He humbles the proud....Chemo plus humility

Didn't even know I was proud --Chemo went smoothly, but the side effects were humbling and enlightening.  


It is amazing how long it takes to get chemo!  It was the day after a holiday, so they were doing booming business!  The blood draw and the wait for the PA took an hour and fifteen minutes!  The wait for pre meds was about 1/2 hour for a  20 min procedure.  The Chemo takes 2 hours. Then they give me a loading dose of the 5 FU and connect me to a pump full of it for 46 hours -- yippee!  
I should not whine -- I am thankful for the medication, for my mediport  and for all the nurses who take care of me.
Going to the infusion room always makes me thankful -- there are people there who are so much more worse off than I am!  I am truly blessed to be "young" and relatively strong!  Thank you Lord!  


What was disconcerting, however, was that within 15 minutes, I had muscle spasms in my face and numbness in my hands --- it felt like pins and needles.  Fortunately, it is about 7 now and the numbness has gone away.  But, it was embarrassing at the store to be unable to load my cart efficiently and fold my receipt or put it in my wallet.   As I fumbled with it, and dropped it, I explained to the clerk that I was on chemo and it made me clumsy.  It was amazing to see the change in her--she had been watching me with a somewhat disdainful look, trying to figure out what my problem was.  Her expression changed to shock and then to sympathy -- she said she was so sorry and hoped it would go well for me.......


As I went to my car, and dropped first my mittens and then my keys, and struggled with the key in the lock, it made me think how often I have been impatient of people who couldn't do things quickly, smoothly or who are doing their thing in my way, causing me to slow down....
(how arrogant is that???)
wow -
who am I to feel that I am so important, that they should get out of my way??? 
who am I to judge them? 
who am I to be so proud/arrogant?  
   ( I didn't know I was going to get a strong dose of conviction with my chemo today!  
    These side effects are life changing!)


Maybe they're on medicine that's taken away their ability to do things the way they want to Maybe they feel terrible, but have no one to help them --
  so they struggle and are the object of disdain, ridicule and frustration to those around them
Maybe they are all of the above and still have to work and are totally exhausted....


So when you see someone who is 
  driving slowly
  fumbling with their keys/purse/coat zipper/kleenex,
  who walks slowly or funny, or with a cane or rides a handicapped cart 
  who is standing in a daze, seemingly unable to assemble their thoughts
think what it would feel like for you, if you couldn't do something because your body won't do what your brain tells it to do---something you have done for a lifetime, swiftly and with no problems.  
              It is most humbling. 


I am reminded to not judge, because I will be judged - and to treat others the way I want to be treated. (matt 7)


Well my friends, the achy ness and weariness has set in -- I am going to sign off -


I am thankful today: 
that I can feel my fingertips again
for ginger and seabands against nausea
that Karl and Gretchen made it as far as Billings MT - praying them to Missoula tonight
that I have friends that will help me when I cannot shop/run errands/clean house/drive
that I am privileged to see the body of Christ work to care for me and my family
that I could walk my dog the 3 miles I am supposed to walk to build my blood cells
that Todd could go with me and work  from the 9th floor of Aurora St Luke's
for all the prayers the cover me and my chemo and Todd and his work
for dinner delivered with a smile, encouragement and a blessing
that I can eat the dinner! :)
for text messages, e-mail and facebook
for you ---
thank you for checking in - a big hug to each of you!


A shot of courage --Is 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Very Thankful!

We were blessed to have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Thank you for all the loving greetings!  


Time FLIES! especially when my family is all together!  We had so much fun being together-- getting to know Gretchen and just being together as a family--
we ate lots 
 enjoyed fires in the fireplace  
  played lots -- games and artistic creations with the nephews and niece 
   talked lots 
    worshiped together
     visited with dear friends
      laughed a lot
       watched MASH
        played canasta and monopoly (no competition in this family!) 
         did a bit of shopping
          watched movies
           cooked more 
            ate more
             went through lots of my dad's things, making lots of decisions
              loaded up my dad's car - which is now Karl's girlfriend Gretchen's car so full
               saw them off Sat a.m. to drive to Montana-stopping near LaCrosse to visit her family
                met St Louis friends for breakfast
                 put up our big creche (manger) with Paul
                  watched football and hockey
                   did never-ending laundry
                    worshiped with Paul
                     took him back to Concordia
                      bought a Christmas tree
I am sure you understand why I didn't blog while we were together!  


Through all of this fun, I have felt good!  I am so very thankful!!!  
The "amped up " jittery feeling left Wednesday evening and I felt almost normal.  


The house is very quiet now.  
During worship this morning, when they said my name on the prayer list, it made me puddley-eyed again as the reality of chemo tomorrow reared it's ugly head again.  
It's hard to explain what I am feeling -- not really fear -- apprehension maybe? 
just not sure what triggers the tears......maybe it is that Karl is so far away and family time is so few and far between.....
   though we are planning to go to Montana for Christmas, so I will get to see him in a month....
      if I am healthy enough to travel.....
   which means that I will see him 4 times this year - which is double the usual number of times! 
That is something to be thankful for!  


The boys got me an IPOD touch for my birthday (we waited to celebrate til we were together) 
Their thinking was that I would have music and scripture at my fingertips to encourage me when I get panicky.  What an amazing gift! They gave me technology lessons (no I am not proficient yet) and showed me how to load things onto it!  Thanks Karl, Paul and Todd!  
I am very thankful for such a powerful weapon to combat the apprehension - the blues.

So back to what triggers the tears --- 
I realized in church, as I was trying to be discreet wiping tears away, that my focus slipped from my God to my apprehension.  I was hostessing a major pity party -- 
all my fun is done - now I have to do this hard, yucky, painful thing...
It is so easy to fall back into that ego-centric thinking....so tough to remember that I am NOT the center of the universe (that may be a news flash for some of you - lol and you thought YOU were the center of the universe...hahaha)


"Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God"  
     Wise words, I think from Beth Moore.


I just need to remember them -- 
to live them 
to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)  
to remember that His grace is enough for me because His power is perfected in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9)
to be joyful always, 
to pray continually and
to give thanks in all circumstances .... (1 Thess 5:16-18)
to praise Him in the storm
to not let my focus shift away from God
to trust Him......


Blessings to you -- and thank you for your continued prayers, support and kind messages!