Didn't even know I was proud --Chemo went smoothly, but the side effects were humbling and enlightening.
It is amazing how long it takes to get chemo! It was the day after a holiday, so they were doing booming business! The blood draw and the wait for the PA took an hour and fifteen minutes! The wait for pre meds was about 1/2 hour for a 20 min procedure. The Chemo takes 2 hours. Then they give me a loading dose of the 5 FU and connect me to a pump full of it for 46 hours -- yippee!
I should not whine -- I am thankful for the medication, for my mediport and for all the nurses who take care of me.
Going to the infusion room always makes me thankful -- there are people there who are so much more worse off than I am! I am truly blessed to be "young" and relatively strong! Thank you Lord!
What was disconcerting, however, was that within 15 minutes, I had muscle spasms in my face and numbness in my hands --- it felt like pins and needles. Fortunately, it is about 7 now and the numbness has gone away. But, it was embarrassing at the store to be unable to load my cart efficiently and fold my receipt or put it in my wallet. As I fumbled with it, and dropped it, I explained to the clerk that I was on chemo and it made me clumsy. It was amazing to see the change in her--she had been watching me with a somewhat disdainful look, trying to figure out what my problem was. Her expression changed to shock and then to sympathy -- she said she was so sorry and hoped it would go well for me.......
As I went to my car, and dropped first my mittens and then my keys, and struggled with the key in the lock, it made me think how often I have been impatient of people who couldn't do things quickly, smoothly or who are doing their thing in my way, causing me to slow down....
(how arrogant is that???)
wow -
who am I to feel that I am so important, that they should get out of my way???
who am I to judge them?
who am I to be so proud/arrogant?
( I didn't know I was going to get a strong dose of conviction with my chemo today!
These side effects are life changing!)
Maybe they're on medicine that's taken away their ability to do things the way they want to Maybe they feel terrible, but have no one to help them --
so they struggle and are the object of disdain, ridicule and frustration to those around them
Maybe they are all of the above and still have to work and are totally exhausted....
So when you see someone who is
driving slowly
fumbling with their keys/purse/coat zipper/kleenex,
who walks slowly or funny, or with a cane or rides a handicapped cart
who is standing in a daze, seemingly unable to assemble their thoughts
think what it would feel like for you, if you couldn't do something because your body won't do what your brain tells it to do---something you have done for a lifetime, swiftly and with no problems.
It is most humbling.
I am reminded to not judge, because I will be judged - and to treat others the way I want to be treated. (matt 7)
Well my friends, the achy ness and weariness has set in -- I am going to sign off -
I am thankful today:
that I can feel my fingertips again
for ginger and seabands against nausea
that Karl and Gretchen made it as far as Billings MT - praying them to Missoula tonight
that I have friends that will help me when I cannot shop/run errands/clean house/drive
that I am privileged to see the body of Christ work to care for me and my family
that I could walk my dog the 3 miles I am supposed to walk to build my blood cells
that Todd could go with me and work from the 9th floor of Aurora St Luke's
for all the prayers the cover me and my chemo and Todd and his work
for dinner delivered with a smile, encouragement and a blessing
that I can eat the dinner! :)
for text messages, e-mail and facebook
for you ---
thank you for checking in - a big hug to each of you!
A shot of courage --Is 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Physical illness can change the way a person thinks and acts and therefore how that person is perceived. Likewise with mental illness. When people act in ways that are different than the "norm" (whatever that is) others are often scared and walk away, say unkind things, give a dirty look, etc. But God loves everyone. He sees into the soul of a person and knows what that person needs. We need to try to do the same. We need to pray for the eyes of God so that we can see into a person's soul, know what their needs are, and give them help, most of all, LOVE.
ReplyDeleteMarilyn