Got disconnected from the pump - thankful for that
Not as nauseated as last time - (tho still nauseated) thankful for that
Exhausted - thankful I can rest
Walked a mile and a half - hands stinging all the way - thankful to exercise
Took a shower (it's the little things in life!) Todd is really thankful for this one :)
a lot like like yesterday - making it, but it isn't pretty.
God is carrying me....
Thanks for prayin' me strong - can't imagine how awful I would be without your prayers!
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.....James 5:16
Blessings to each of you!!!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
yuck but bearable
I feel disgusting but will get through it!
Humbled some more - exhaustion made me leave bible study early this morning :(
Smells affect me profoundly w a gag reflex
(like people's hand lotion or after shave, perfume or the scent diffuser in a public rest room)
I alternate between sweating profusely and being chilled to the bone - nice huh?
I am not hungry-nothing tastes really good (chemo messes w your taste buds)
Todd is patient, getting me to eat-I am so thankful for him!
There is no energy to walk :( gotta really push myself and only made it 1/2 mile
and my hands, feet, face and butt feel like they have needles sticking in them- weird!
Spasms in my hands make typing/texting hard
Cold makes my eyelids twitch so my vision is distorted and makes my cheeks scrunch up and
my lips cramp like I am saying the oo sound
I cannot help but contrast how much love and encouragement I am receiving from all of you with how alone my dad was. He lived with years and years of severe back pain from spinal stenosis - battled pain, pain killers and loneliness after mom died. There were people, including me, who tried to care for him, tried to reach out, to invite him over or out, to care for him. He set us firmly at a distance. How much richer his life could have been had he let us in to share his walk. The poor man never let people minister to him. I think he was afraid to let people in-to let them see his pain or sorrow. That pride kept him on a very lonely island. How sad!
I am thankful for being taught the lesson of sharing my life. I had no idea how it would enrich my walk! and to think that I almost didn't "go public" -- what all I would have missed! Thank you!
Someplace it says that a friend divides sorrow and multiplies joy -
anyone know where that is from? --too tired to track it down -
I cannot explain how you have divided my sorrow and multiplied my joy ----
to have so many people caring and praying for me...bringing me dinners....offering me rides....wearing my bracelets...beaming with smiles when they see me....
The blessings that I have received from being open about my walk have been huge!
Thank you for all the encouragement and love!
I will make it through this - by God's grace and you all being "Jesus with skin on"!
Another thanks for those who do dinners for us! They've saved our butts! 'Specially Todd's! :)
If you are bringing us a meal, and would like to drop off earlier in the day, that would be great! I am stronger earlier in the day, and It seems like it is easier, rather than fighting rush hour traffic.
Some have asked what sounds good to eat, to which I smile and say, "it depends on the day." Even if I feel yucky, I am thankful that Todd has a good meal, so God bless you for your efforts in this! and thank you for this tangible blessing! We are so very thankful!
Humbled some more - exhaustion made me leave bible study early this morning :(
Smells affect me profoundly w a gag reflex
(like people's hand lotion or after shave, perfume or the scent diffuser in a public rest room)
I alternate between sweating profusely and being chilled to the bone - nice huh?
I am not hungry-nothing tastes really good (chemo messes w your taste buds)
Todd is patient, getting me to eat-I am so thankful for him!
There is no energy to walk :( gotta really push myself and only made it 1/2 mile
and my hands, feet, face and butt feel like they have needles sticking in them- weird!
Spasms in my hands make typing/texting hard
Cold makes my eyelids twitch so my vision is distorted and makes my cheeks scrunch up and
my lips cramp like I am saying the oo sound
I cannot help but contrast how much love and encouragement I am receiving from all of you with how alone my dad was. He lived with years and years of severe back pain from spinal stenosis - battled pain, pain killers and loneliness after mom died. There were people, including me, who tried to care for him, tried to reach out, to invite him over or out, to care for him. He set us firmly at a distance. How much richer his life could have been had he let us in to share his walk. The poor man never let people minister to him. I think he was afraid to let people in-to let them see his pain or sorrow. That pride kept him on a very lonely island. How sad!
I am thankful for being taught the lesson of sharing my life. I had no idea how it would enrich my walk! and to think that I almost didn't "go public" -- what all I would have missed! Thank you!
Someplace it says that a friend divides sorrow and multiplies joy -
anyone know where that is from? --too tired to track it down -
I cannot explain how you have divided my sorrow and multiplied my joy ----
to have so many people caring and praying for me...bringing me dinners....offering me rides....wearing my bracelets...beaming with smiles when they see me....
The blessings that I have received from being open about my walk have been huge!
Thank you for all the encouragement and love!
I will make it through this - by God's grace and you all being "Jesus with skin on"!
Another thanks for those who do dinners for us! They've saved our butts! 'Specially Todd's! :)
If you are bringing us a meal, and would like to drop off earlier in the day, that would be great! I am stronger earlier in the day, and It seems like it is easier, rather than fighting rush hour traffic.
Some have asked what sounds good to eat, to which I smile and say, "it depends on the day." Even if I feel yucky, I am thankful that Todd has a good meal, so God bless you for your efforts in this! and thank you for this tangible blessing! We are so very thankful!
Monday, November 28, 2011
He humbles the proud....Chemo plus humility
Didn't even know I was proud --Chemo went smoothly, but the side effects were humbling and enlightening.
It is amazing how long it takes to get chemo! It was the day after a holiday, so they were doing booming business! The blood draw and the wait for the PA took an hour and fifteen minutes! The wait for pre meds was about 1/2 hour for a 20 min procedure. The Chemo takes 2 hours. Then they give me a loading dose of the 5 FU and connect me to a pump full of it for 46 hours -- yippee!
I should not whine -- I am thankful for the medication, for my mediport and for all the nurses who take care of me.
Going to the infusion room always makes me thankful -- there are people there who are so much more worse off than I am! I am truly blessed to be "young" and relatively strong! Thank you Lord!
What was disconcerting, however, was that within 15 minutes, I had muscle spasms in my face and numbness in my hands --- it felt like pins and needles. Fortunately, it is about 7 now and the numbness has gone away. But, it was embarrassing at the store to be unable to load my cart efficiently and fold my receipt or put it in my wallet. As I fumbled with it, and dropped it, I explained to the clerk that I was on chemo and it made me clumsy. It was amazing to see the change in her--she had been watching me with a somewhat disdainful look, trying to figure out what my problem was. Her expression changed to shock and then to sympathy -- she said she was so sorry and hoped it would go well for me.......
As I went to my car, and dropped first my mittens and then my keys, and struggled with the key in the lock, it made me think how often I have been impatient of people who couldn't do things quickly, smoothly or who are doing their thing in my way, causing me to slow down....
(how arrogant is that???)
wow -
who am I to feel that I am so important, that they should get out of my way???
who am I to judge them?
who am I to be so proud/arrogant?
( I didn't know I was going to get a strong dose of conviction with my chemo today!
These side effects are life changing!)
Maybe they're on medicine that's taken away their ability to do things the way they want to Maybe they feel terrible, but have no one to help them --
so they struggle and are the object of disdain, ridicule and frustration to those around them
Maybe they are all of the above and still have to work and are totally exhausted....
So when you see someone who is
driving slowly
fumbling with their keys/purse/coat zipper/kleenex,
who walks slowly or funny, or with a cane or rides a handicapped cart
who is standing in a daze, seemingly unable to assemble their thoughts
think what it would feel like for you, if you couldn't do something because your body won't do what your brain tells it to do---something you have done for a lifetime, swiftly and with no problems.
It is most humbling.
I am reminded to not judge, because I will be judged - and to treat others the way I want to be treated. (matt 7)
Well my friends, the achy ness and weariness has set in -- I am going to sign off -
I am thankful today:
that I can feel my fingertips again
for ginger and seabands against nausea
that Karl and Gretchen made it as far as Billings MT - praying them to Missoula tonight
that I have friends that will help me when I cannot shop/run errands/clean house/drive
that I am privileged to see the body of Christ work to care for me and my family
that I could walk my dog the 3 miles I am supposed to walk to build my blood cells
that Todd could go with me and work from the 9th floor of Aurora St Luke's
for all the prayers the cover me and my chemo and Todd and his work
for dinner delivered with a smile, encouragement and a blessing
that I can eat the dinner! :)
for text messages, e-mail and facebook
for you ---
thank you for checking in - a big hug to each of you!
A shot of courage --Is 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
It is amazing how long it takes to get chemo! It was the day after a holiday, so they were doing booming business! The blood draw and the wait for the PA took an hour and fifteen minutes! The wait for pre meds was about 1/2 hour for a 20 min procedure. The Chemo takes 2 hours. Then they give me a loading dose of the 5 FU and connect me to a pump full of it for 46 hours -- yippee!
I should not whine -- I am thankful for the medication, for my mediport and for all the nurses who take care of me.
Going to the infusion room always makes me thankful -- there are people there who are so much more worse off than I am! I am truly blessed to be "young" and relatively strong! Thank you Lord!
What was disconcerting, however, was that within 15 minutes, I had muscle spasms in my face and numbness in my hands --- it felt like pins and needles. Fortunately, it is about 7 now and the numbness has gone away. But, it was embarrassing at the store to be unable to load my cart efficiently and fold my receipt or put it in my wallet. As I fumbled with it, and dropped it, I explained to the clerk that I was on chemo and it made me clumsy. It was amazing to see the change in her--she had been watching me with a somewhat disdainful look, trying to figure out what my problem was. Her expression changed to shock and then to sympathy -- she said she was so sorry and hoped it would go well for me.......
As I went to my car, and dropped first my mittens and then my keys, and struggled with the key in the lock, it made me think how often I have been impatient of people who couldn't do things quickly, smoothly or who are doing their thing in my way, causing me to slow down....
(how arrogant is that???)
wow -
who am I to feel that I am so important, that they should get out of my way???
who am I to judge them?
who am I to be so proud/arrogant?
( I didn't know I was going to get a strong dose of conviction with my chemo today!
These side effects are life changing!)
Maybe they're on medicine that's taken away their ability to do things the way they want to Maybe they feel terrible, but have no one to help them --
so they struggle and are the object of disdain, ridicule and frustration to those around them
Maybe they are all of the above and still have to work and are totally exhausted....
So when you see someone who is
driving slowly
fumbling with their keys/purse/coat zipper/kleenex,
who walks slowly or funny, or with a cane or rides a handicapped cart
who is standing in a daze, seemingly unable to assemble their thoughts
think what it would feel like for you, if you couldn't do something because your body won't do what your brain tells it to do---something you have done for a lifetime, swiftly and with no problems.
It is most humbling.
I am reminded to not judge, because I will be judged - and to treat others the way I want to be treated. (matt 7)
Well my friends, the achy ness and weariness has set in -- I am going to sign off -
I am thankful today:
that I can feel my fingertips again
for ginger and seabands against nausea
that Karl and Gretchen made it as far as Billings MT - praying them to Missoula tonight
that I have friends that will help me when I cannot shop/run errands/clean house/drive
that I am privileged to see the body of Christ work to care for me and my family
that I could walk my dog the 3 miles I am supposed to walk to build my blood cells
that Todd could go with me and work from the 9th floor of Aurora St Luke's
for all the prayers the cover me and my chemo and Todd and his work
for dinner delivered with a smile, encouragement and a blessing
that I can eat the dinner! :)
for text messages, e-mail and facebook
for you ---
thank you for checking in - a big hug to each of you!
A shot of courage --Is 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Very Thankful!
We were blessed to have a wonderful Thanksgiving! Thank you for all the loving greetings!
Time FLIES! especially when my family is all together! We had so much fun being together-- getting to know Gretchen and just being together as a family--
we ate lots
enjoyed fires in the fireplace
played lots -- games and artistic creations with the nephews and niece
talked lots
worshiped together
visited with dear friends
laughed a lot
watched MASH
played canasta and monopoly (no competition in this family!)
did a bit of shopping
watched movies
cooked more
ate more
went through lots of my dad's things, making lots of decisions
loaded up my dad's car - which is now Karl's girlfriend Gretchen's car so full
saw them off Sat a.m. to drive to Montana-stopping near LaCrosse to visit her family
met St Louis friends for breakfast
put up our big creche (manger) with Paul
watched football and hockey
did never-ending laundry
worshiped with Paul
took him back to Concordia
bought a Christmas tree
I am sure you understand why I didn't blog while we were together!
Through all of this fun, I have felt good! I am so very thankful!!!
The "amped up " jittery feeling left Wednesday evening and I felt almost normal.
The house is very quiet now.
During worship this morning, when they said my name on the prayer list, it made me puddley-eyed again as the reality of chemo tomorrow reared it's ugly head again.
It's hard to explain what I am feeling -- not really fear -- apprehension maybe?
just not sure what triggers the tears......maybe it is that Karl is so far away and family time is so few and far between.....
though we are planning to go to Montana for Christmas, so I will get to see him in a month....
if I am healthy enough to travel.....
which means that I will see him 4 times this year - which is double the usual number of times!
That is something to be thankful for!
The boys got me an IPOD touch for my birthday (we waited to celebrate til we were together)
Their thinking was that I would have music and scripture at my fingertips to encourage me when I get panicky. What an amazing gift! They gave me technology lessons (no I am not proficient yet) and showed me how to load things onto it! Thanks Karl, Paul and Todd!
I am very thankful for such a powerful weapon to combat the apprehension - the blues.
So back to what triggers the tears ---
I realized in church, as I was trying to be discreet wiping tears away, that my focus slipped from my God to my apprehension. I was hostessing a major pity party --
all my fun is done - now I have to do this hard, yucky, painful thing...
It is so easy to fall back into that ego-centric thinking....so tough to remember that I am NOT the center of the universe (that may be a news flash for some of you - lol and you thought YOU were the center of the universe...hahaha)
"Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God"
Wise words, I think from Beth Moore.
I just need to remember them --
to live them
to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)
to remember that His grace is enough for me because His power is perfected in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9)
to be joyful always,
to pray continually and
to give thanks in all circumstances .... (1 Thess 5:16-18)
to praise Him in the storm
to not let my focus shift away from God
to trust Him......
Blessings to you -- and thank you for your continued prayers, support and kind messages!
Time FLIES! especially when my family is all together! We had so much fun being together-- getting to know Gretchen and just being together as a family--
we ate lots
enjoyed fires in the fireplace
played lots -- games and artistic creations with the nephews and niece
talked lots
worshiped together
visited with dear friends
laughed a lot
watched MASH
played canasta and monopoly (no competition in this family!)
did a bit of shopping
watched movies
cooked more
ate more
went through lots of my dad's things, making lots of decisions
loaded up my dad's car - which is now Karl's girlfriend Gretchen's car so full
saw them off Sat a.m. to drive to Montana-stopping near LaCrosse to visit her family
met St Louis friends for breakfast
put up our big creche (manger) with Paul
watched football and hockey
did never-ending laundry
worshiped with Paul
took him back to Concordia
bought a Christmas tree
I am sure you understand why I didn't blog while we were together!
Through all of this fun, I have felt good! I am so very thankful!!!
The "amped up " jittery feeling left Wednesday evening and I felt almost normal.
The house is very quiet now.
During worship this morning, when they said my name on the prayer list, it made me puddley-eyed again as the reality of chemo tomorrow reared it's ugly head again.
It's hard to explain what I am feeling -- not really fear -- apprehension maybe?
just not sure what triggers the tears......maybe it is that Karl is so far away and family time is so few and far between.....
though we are planning to go to Montana for Christmas, so I will get to see him in a month....
if I am healthy enough to travel.....
which means that I will see him 4 times this year - which is double the usual number of times!
That is something to be thankful for!
The boys got me an IPOD touch for my birthday (we waited to celebrate til we were together)
Their thinking was that I would have music and scripture at my fingertips to encourage me when I get panicky. What an amazing gift! They gave me technology lessons (no I am not proficient yet) and showed me how to load things onto it! Thanks Karl, Paul and Todd!
I am very thankful for such a powerful weapon to combat the apprehension - the blues.
So back to what triggers the tears ---
I realized in church, as I was trying to be discreet wiping tears away, that my focus slipped from my God to my apprehension. I was hostessing a major pity party --
all my fun is done - now I have to do this hard, yucky, painful thing...
It is so easy to fall back into that ego-centric thinking....so tough to remember that I am NOT the center of the universe (that may be a news flash for some of you - lol and you thought YOU were the center of the universe...hahaha)
"Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God"
Wise words, I think from Beth Moore.
I just need to remember them --
to live them
to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)
to remember that His grace is enough for me because His power is perfected in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9)
to be joyful always,
to pray continually and
to give thanks in all circumstances .... (1 Thess 5:16-18)
to praise Him in the storm
to not let my focus shift away from God
to trust Him......
Blessings to you -- and thank you for your continued prayers, support and kind messages!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Wired!!!
"On steroids" now has new meaning for me!!!
I am very thankful that I am shakey, amped up and ready to be busy (all with exhaustion just beneath the surface) rather than fighting nausea, dragging myself from couch to bed!!! Thank you Lord! It is a special gift! James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights.....
I did make it to Bible study today -- Yay!
Another high point today was the UPS delivery that brought me a very cool gift from a dear friend She had bracelets made for me and she wears one to remember to pray - Team Christine- with Phil 4:13 on it! I can do everything through him who gives me strength I am so humbled and honored! wow ---
The energy allowed me to clean our house today in anticipation to our sons coming home!! Tomorrow they get here! Karl is coming from Montana and bringing his Gretchen with him! Paul is coming home from Concordia WI! Lyle and his sweet, busy family is coming too! Cannot wait for the joyful fun of a house full!
Don't worry--Todd is a great cook and totally domestically capable. The boys are great cooks too, so I am not doing much in the way of cooking!
I will still take a nap if/when I need it--tho some days I haven't needed one :)
I did make it to Bible study today -- Yay!
Another high point today was the UPS delivery that brought me a very cool gift from a dear friend She had bracelets made for me and she wears one to remember to pray - Team Christine- with Phil 4:13 on it! I can do everything through him who gives me strength I am so humbled and honored! wow ---
The energy allowed me to clean our house today in anticipation to our sons coming home!! Tomorrow they get here! Karl is coming from Montana and bringing his Gretchen with him! Paul is coming home from Concordia WI! Lyle and his sweet, busy family is coming too! Cannot wait for the joyful fun of a house full!
Don't worry--Todd is a great cook and totally domestically capable. The boys are great cooks too, so I am not doing much in the way of cooking!
I will still take a nap if/when I need it--tho some days I haven't needed one :)
Sorry this is short - the domestic diva thing has kept me really busy!
You all have blessed me so much by your thoughtful words and comments on my blog -- I know of at least 2 people who have followed my ramblings even when they are on vacation! Your love and concern carry me! Thank you for praying for us! You make it bearable!
You all have blessed me so much by your thoughtful words and comments on my blog -- I know of at least 2 people who have followed my ramblings even when they are on vacation! Your love and concern carry me! Thank you for praying for us! You make it bearable!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Nurse Check report
I am doing well---Blood levels are good.
My mid-cycle check up is called a nurse check....I meet with one of the oncology nurses that admininster the chemo. They draw blood work and check all my levels. They ask me about side effects - how bad they are and what is happening.
Today was my first blood draw through the port -- it is so weird -- the needle is about 1 1/4 inches long and it gets put straight into the port - at right angles to your body - not how they usually draw, parallel to your vein - and it makes a kind of funny "punch" sound - kind of like when you use a 3 hole punch --- It's really a weird feeling.
Blood levels were where they are anticipated to be - no surprises.
Side effects seem to tie back to the steroids that they give in conjunction with the chemo. They help your body to deal with the chemo, as I understand it. Not getting the steroids is not an option, so I have to figure out how to get around the muscle twitches and the not sleeping. They suggest taking benedryl or tylenol pm --- which I am not excited about because it is just more chemicals!!! Yuck!
Was active today - but by now am really feeling the effects! Tired just comes creeping up as I sit here and type.....
How am I doing?
I am so thankful to be able to do some things -- not just sit. I am learning to be thankful for any time that I feel good- which I should be aware and thankful for anyway! We just don't tend to think to be thankful for simply being able to live our normal life without feeling awful.
A friend send me a quote from James MacDonald's site - Walk in the Word
we don’t have to go through the Christian life alone. The Lord places friends around us, sometimes unexpected friends, who pray for us—who lift up our name before “the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).
Some people have commented to me that they couldn't be as public as I am being, if they were in my shoes.....When we got this diagnosis, we decided to be public about it for several reasons:
--to encourage people to go get their screenings
--to ask people to pray
--to point to God, the source of our blessings and also the source of strength in the trials.
I am so thankful for all of you that have taken up our cause, and lifted us before the throne of grace!
God's Blessings!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Feeling Good - Thank God!
Have felt good this weekend! A Gift from God!
I haven't blogged because I have felt good enough to be a domestic diva which was sorely needed!
I don't feel "normal" - Kinda jittery. amped up and crabby (prayers for Todd please )
:)
but normal compared to last week-
This week is just a "nurse check" - no chemo
YAY!
Kids come home
Yay!
Thanks for checking -- I appreciate all of your prayers and encouragment and am thankful for you!!
If you need encouragement -
this song is amazing -- Singing it has lifted my spirits repeatedly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9Ya7ryNob4
I haven't blogged because I have felt good enough to be a domestic diva which was sorely needed!
I don't feel "normal" - Kinda jittery. amped up and crabby (prayers for Todd please )
:)
but normal compared to last week-
This week is just a "nurse check" - no chemo
YAY!
Kids come home
Yay!
Thanks for checking -- I appreciate all of your prayers and encouragment and am thankful for you!!
If you need encouragement -
this song is amazing -- Singing it has lifted my spirits repeatedly!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9Ya7ryNob4
Friday, November 18, 2011
A Blessed Birthday!
Had a wonderful day today - felt almost normal and very, very loved!
Today has been a really amazing day - full of surprises----the first of which was waking up to no nausea!!! At first I didn't believe it and moved really slowly, and ate carefully. Breakfast in bed! The nausea stayed gone though! What a gift! God rocked it today!
When I walked, I did get tired quickly this morning, but tonight, I was able to go at a normal pace and a good distance :) Another gift!
I was blessed to have so many, many people remember me -
my boys -
my ladies bible study -
my small group -
my St. Louis friends -
and so many others very kindly remembered me and encouraged me.
Thank you so very much for celebrating my day with me. I can truly say that I have never had a birthday like this one!
Psalm 103:2
Praise the Lord oh my soul and forget not all his benefits.....
As I have walked this current path, some of what has given me courage has been the remembering of what all the Lord has done in my life.
Today is another event for me to remember in God's list of gifts to me.
Thank you for being a part of that and for showering me with so much love!
God's blessings to each of you!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Riding the waves
I go back and forth between feeling pretty good and feeling just yucky!
Sometimes I feel almost normal, with my brain working and with just a tinge of nausea.
However,
sometimes I feel like a favorite puppy toy, that has been dragged all over by an enthusiastic mongrel, used for tug o' war, shaken vigorously and then "buried" and slept on!
The time lapse between the two seems to be a15 min slide down hill to a nap- and comes on without much warning, and a fair bit of nausea.
Ginger has become my new best friend! 1/4 tsp of ginger in a cup of hot water seems to help the nausea a bit. A dear friend brought me ginger gum last night at 9:15 to try and keep it at bay! I am blessed by my friends!
And my friends are pretty astute also! All of you knew exactly what I was referring to and I got all kinds of e-mails with solutions to constipation! Thank you very much! (I was trying to be tactful yesterday!) I am just hoping that I don't have the boomerang effect tonight! lol!
Things I am thankful for: (in no particular order)
Great Harvest Co Wheat bread - yum
My phone that delivers your encouragement
Todd
Drugs that will buy me time with my family
feeling good enough to be able walk
ginger
sunshine
Friends who share love, wisdom, encouragement like this:
"It's OK to be tired and "not doing anything" because you are doing something; you're allowing the chemo cocktail to do what it has to do and you are resting in the Lord as you wait."
and this:
The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)
"Even though life is yuck right now for you, the Lord has not turned his face away or turned his back on you.. His face shines on you, his face is toward you. It’s when we understand that we know his grace and his peace. He will keep you in his perfect peace."
Thankful for God's peace - trying to get comfortable with my lot in life right now
Blessings to each of you and thanks for all the outpouring of love and encouragement!
Sometimes I feel almost normal, with my brain working and with just a tinge of nausea.
However,
sometimes I feel like a favorite puppy toy, that has been dragged all over by an enthusiastic mongrel, used for tug o' war, shaken vigorously and then "buried" and slept on!
The time lapse between the two seems to be a15 min slide down hill to a nap- and comes on without much warning, and a fair bit of nausea.
Ginger has become my new best friend! 1/4 tsp of ginger in a cup of hot water seems to help the nausea a bit. A dear friend brought me ginger gum last night at 9:15 to try and keep it at bay! I am blessed by my friends!
And my friends are pretty astute also! All of you knew exactly what I was referring to and I got all kinds of e-mails with solutions to constipation! Thank you very much! (I was trying to be tactful yesterday!) I am just hoping that I don't have the boomerang effect tonight! lol!
Things I am thankful for: (in no particular order)
Great Harvest Co Wheat bread - yum
My phone that delivers your encouragement
Todd
Drugs that will buy me time with my family
feeling good enough to be able walk
ginger
sunshine
Friends who share love, wisdom, encouragement like this:
"It's OK to be tired and "not doing anything" because you are doing something; you're allowing the chemo cocktail to do what it has to do and you are resting in the Lord as you wait."
and this:
The Lord bless you and keep you,
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
The Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. (Numbers 6:24-26)
"Even though life is yuck right now for you, the Lord has not turned his face away or turned his back on you.. His face shines on you, his face is toward you. It’s when we understand that we know his grace and his peace. He will keep you in his perfect peace."
Thankful for God's peace - trying to get comfortable with my lot in life right now
Blessings to each of you and thanks for all the outpouring of love and encouragement!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Untethered!
The Chemo pump was disconnected this afternoon -
Shower tonight - Nothing like a hot shower and a sharp razor!!!
I feel ok-thank God!
Getting the pump off was the easiest thing I have done there yet! The hardest part was - you guessed it- getting the tape off! Fortunately, all my skin stayed put! It just looks pretty battered.
The nausea feels like I must perpetually reach for a bucket. Sometimes it gets the added dimension of the body aches, but today, I haven't had those, just headaches. The sea bands were helping, though as I am typing, not so much!!! Another little twist to this fun game I am playing is that the chemo has shut down my digestive system! They say "Eat when you feel nauseated," and "drink lots of water"--- so you can just imagine....
Even though I fight waves of nausea, I am blessed to have some "good" times in between. I am never quite sure how long they will last, so I have to keep my "projects" to bite size proportions in case I have to quit. After I got home, I was able to walk Chance, brush him and vacuum up the fur AND take a shower!! Doesn't sound like much, but that was huge! (It did take me 3 1/2 hours to do it though!) This morning I just sat at the kitchen table -- didn't read, didn't write, didn't talk on the phone -- just sat.....Does that tell you how crumby I felt ???? Was going to get a hair cut, but just couldn't summon up the strength or even the interest to go.
I struggle with being afraid of what is coming next - in terms of side effects. A friend sent me
Ps 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Trusting is a decision - it is so hard to take all the scenarios that might happen and dump them at the foot of the cross, and leave them there. I keep picking them back up again, and worrying about them all over again!
John 16:33 tells me I will have trouble in this world -- but take heart, says Jesus, I have overcome the world!
But how about my nausea? and what about it getting worse? and the body aches and head aches? and pooping problems? and being exhausted? and being grumpy to my sweet husband?
One of my cousins sent me some scripture that she had turned into prayers --
Shower tonight - Nothing like a hot shower and a sharp razor!!!
I feel ok-thank God!
Getting the pump off was the easiest thing I have done there yet! The hardest part was - you guessed it- getting the tape off! Fortunately, all my skin stayed put! It just looks pretty battered.
The nausea feels like I must perpetually reach for a bucket. Sometimes it gets the added dimension of the body aches, but today, I haven't had those, just headaches. The sea bands were helping, though as I am typing, not so much!!! Another little twist to this fun game I am playing is that the chemo has shut down my digestive system! They say "Eat when you feel nauseated," and "drink lots of water"--- so you can just imagine....
Even though I fight waves of nausea, I am blessed to have some "good" times in between. I am never quite sure how long they will last, so I have to keep my "projects" to bite size proportions in case I have to quit. After I got home, I was able to walk Chance, brush him and vacuum up the fur AND take a shower!! Doesn't sound like much, but that was huge! (It did take me 3 1/2 hours to do it though!) This morning I just sat at the kitchen table -- didn't read, didn't write, didn't talk on the phone -- just sat.....Does that tell you how crumby I felt ???? Was going to get a hair cut, but just couldn't summon up the strength or even the interest to go.
I struggle with being afraid of what is coming next - in terms of side effects. A friend sent me
Ps 56:3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
Trusting is a decision - it is so hard to take all the scenarios that might happen and dump them at the foot of the cross, and leave them there. I keep picking them back up again, and worrying about them all over again!
John 16:33 tells me I will have trouble in this world -- but take heart, says Jesus, I have overcome the world!
But how about my nausea? and what about it getting worse? and the body aches and head aches? and pooping problems? and being exhausted? and being grumpy to my sweet husband?
One of my cousins sent me some scripture that she had turned into prayers --
Ps 37:22-23
Do not abandon me, Lord. My God, do not go away from me! Hurry to help me, Lord, My Savior.Ps 5:2-3
Let my words reach your ears, Lord. Listen to my groaning and hear the cry of my prayer, O my King, my God.
I have to discipline my mind to trust and not worry --
Ps 37:8 Fret not - it leads only to evil!
Easier said than done!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Thankful!
Feeling decent!
I am very thankful to say that I don't feel terrible -- Supposedly the beginning is "easy" so if I felt horrible now, I would be more apprehensive. There are times when I feel flue-y - the aches and tired - run down. but they come and go. I felt good enough to go to Bible study this morning, for which I was very thankful!
When picking a time to do chemo, I had a choice of Mon, Tues or Wed. They said that I would feel the best the first 24 hours after receiving the chemo, because of the steroids and the anti nausea that comes in the IV. For this reason, I elected to start Monday, so I would be feeling my best for seeing my friends at Bible Study.
It is so important to discipline yourself to do the things that are good for you (like getting together with friends) even when you don't feel like it. (like when you feel yucky)
The cancer team grilled my about my "support network" and they were thrilled--evidently y'all mean that I have a much better chance of surviving well :)
Speaking of being disciplined, I was very thankful to enjoy a long walk this afternoon in the beautiful sunshine -- relishing what will probably be our last lovely day for this year.
This helped to chase the aches away for a little bit and the sun always lifts my spirits! Too bad it is gone by 4:45! :/
How am I doing?
If I am totally honest - it is very hard to be a "busy" person, and feel too crumby to get anything done, but not crumby enough to be really sick.
(Don't get me wrong, I am really glad not to be really sick!)
My brain is still busy and tells me I should be doing things --and I get spurts where I do get stuff done, but then I will just sit and look at my pile of stuff to do for a long time....The yo yo effect is tough to manage.
I am trying to do this gracefully and "with man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible" Matt 19:26 But it is hard.
I am trying to remember to think on such things - whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable Phil 4:8 and keep my eyes focused on my God -- Heb 12:2-4
Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn out of all of this.....focus.....
In closing - here is a song that a friend shared
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8y6dDzYcE&feature=search-tile
As I carry this cross, you'll carry me.....
Thanks to all of you! I appreciate your care!
I am very thankful to say that I don't feel terrible -- Supposedly the beginning is "easy" so if I felt horrible now, I would be more apprehensive. There are times when I feel flue-y - the aches and tired - run down. but they come and go. I felt good enough to go to Bible study this morning, for which I was very thankful!
When picking a time to do chemo, I had a choice of Mon, Tues or Wed. They said that I would feel the best the first 24 hours after receiving the chemo, because of the steroids and the anti nausea that comes in the IV. For this reason, I elected to start Monday, so I would be feeling my best for seeing my friends at Bible Study.
It is so important to discipline yourself to do the things that are good for you (like getting together with friends) even when you don't feel like it. (like when you feel yucky)
The cancer team grilled my about my "support network" and they were thrilled--evidently y'all mean that I have a much better chance of surviving well :)
Speaking of being disciplined, I was very thankful to enjoy a long walk this afternoon in the beautiful sunshine -- relishing what will probably be our last lovely day for this year.
This helped to chase the aches away for a little bit and the sun always lifts my spirits! Too bad it is gone by 4:45! :/
How am I doing?
If I am totally honest - it is very hard to be a "busy" person, and feel too crumby to get anything done, but not crumby enough to be really sick.
(Don't get me wrong, I am really glad not to be really sick!)
My brain is still busy and tells me I should be doing things --and I get spurts where I do get stuff done, but then I will just sit and look at my pile of stuff to do for a long time....The yo yo effect is tough to manage.
I am trying to do this gracefully and "with man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible" Matt 19:26 But it is hard.
I am trying to remember to think on such things - whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable Phil 4:8 and keep my eyes focused on my God -- Heb 12:2-4
Maybe that is what I am supposed to learn out of all of this.....focus.....
In closing - here is a song that a friend shared
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hy8y6dDzYcE&feature=search-tile
As I carry this cross, you'll carry me.....
Thanks to all of you! I appreciate your care!
Monday, November 14, 2011
One Down!
Feeling ok for now
Thanks for all the love you sent my way!
It was a long day -
Ran errands this morning to get anti nausea sea bands and glutamine -
Blood draw at 1:15 -- through the port this time and not in the arm. It was a painful process to remove the steri strips to get to the port. Tape and I do not get along! Fortunately there was a numbing spray for when they "punched" the needle into the port -- it still hurt tho!
All my numbers were good - yay!
Spent some time with the Doc again - discussing his findings about the reynauds and oxcili whatever. We concluded to go for it since I am so young and it is in the lymph system.
Where I go for the infusion is as nice as it can be - a large, 9th floor room that encircles 1/4 of the building with views out over Milwaukee with lots and lots of recliners and "company" chairs.
A typical infusion begins w premeds - anti nausea and steroids -- that's about 15-20 min. Everything gets hung on an IV pole.
After the pre-meds, comes the leucovorin and oxciliplatin. They take about 2 hours.
Then I get a bolus infusion of the 5FU and get hooked up to the pump.
(Bolus means a boost - a large syringe fed into my line at full strength)
Then they bandage my port up (more tape - yuck!) and I can go home.
Today everything took longer b/c we had to figure out what the best tape to use was for me, and I
had a teaching lesson on my pump (very low cute factor! It is not very comfortable, always
pulling on my back -- it hangs vertically, beeps periodically and is pretty clunky --- sleeping will
be a trip)
Because you are not supposed to have chemo either on a totally empty stomach, or on a full stomach, I ate "lunch" at 11:15. By the time I got the anti-nausea meds from the pharmacy and got home, it was 6:30. That is a very long time for me to survive on a pack of animal crackers! (yes they have snacks there) Further -- nausea can be triggered by an empty stomach - so by the time I got home, I was feeling a little jittery (steroids amp you up --it feels like having a strong cup of coffee) and a little green! I was so thankful for the lovely dinner waiting for me! Thank you Judy!
I am going to sign off, because when I get anxious or upset, I clean. This means that this morning when I couldn't nap, I started to clean out the fridge......I have fridge parts all over the sink! lol
Things to be thankful for:
- yucky drugs that will "cure" me
- more drugs to combat the side effects of the yucky drugs!
-Todd's sense of humor-lightening up a hard thing
-my wonderful nurse today - Kristen, who was so kind and helpful
-YOU - my dear friends - who shower me with love in the forms of prayers, texts, e-mails,
presents and dinner left on my doorstep.
I have never felt so loved in all my life! Thank you!
Thanks for all the love you sent my way!
It was a long day -
Ran errands this morning to get anti nausea sea bands and glutamine -
Blood draw at 1:15 -- through the port this time and not in the arm. It was a painful process to remove the steri strips to get to the port. Tape and I do not get along! Fortunately there was a numbing spray for when they "punched" the needle into the port -- it still hurt tho!
All my numbers were good - yay!
Spent some time with the Doc again - discussing his findings about the reynauds and oxcili whatever. We concluded to go for it since I am so young and it is in the lymph system.
Where I go for the infusion is as nice as it can be - a large, 9th floor room that encircles 1/4 of the building with views out over Milwaukee with lots and lots of recliners and "company" chairs.
A typical infusion begins w premeds - anti nausea and steroids -- that's about 15-20 min. Everything gets hung on an IV pole.
After the pre-meds, comes the leucovorin and oxciliplatin. They take about 2 hours.
Then I get a bolus infusion of the 5FU and get hooked up to the pump.
(Bolus means a boost - a large syringe fed into my line at full strength)
Then they bandage my port up (more tape - yuck!) and I can go home.
Today everything took longer b/c we had to figure out what the best tape to use was for me, and I
had a teaching lesson on my pump (very low cute factor! It is not very comfortable, always
pulling on my back -- it hangs vertically, beeps periodically and is pretty clunky --- sleeping will
be a trip)
Because you are not supposed to have chemo either on a totally empty stomach, or on a full stomach, I ate "lunch" at 11:15. By the time I got the anti-nausea meds from the pharmacy and got home, it was 6:30. That is a very long time for me to survive on a pack of animal crackers! (yes they have snacks there) Further -- nausea can be triggered by an empty stomach - so by the time I got home, I was feeling a little jittery (steroids amp you up --it feels like having a strong cup of coffee) and a little green! I was so thankful for the lovely dinner waiting for me! Thank you Judy!
I am going to sign off, because when I get anxious or upset, I clean. This means that this morning when I couldn't nap, I started to clean out the fridge......I have fridge parts all over the sink! lol
Things to be thankful for:
- yucky drugs that will "cure" me
- more drugs to combat the side effects of the yucky drugs!
-Todd's sense of humor-lightening up a hard thing
-my wonderful nurse today - Kristen, who was so kind and helpful
-YOU - my dear friends - who shower me with love in the forms of prayers, texts, e-mails,
presents and dinner left on my doorstep.
I have never felt so loved in all my life! Thank you!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Living Life
Port is ok - achey, sore, but healthy
Chemo starts tomorrow - please pray for minimal side effects, especially the cold sensitivity because of my reynauds.
I am still sore from getting the port put in -- just not much skin to stretch over the sucker! I have deep bruising and my skin does not do well with all the tape --have had more trouble from the tape than from the surgery. The initial tape job after surgery had me very restricted - not quite able to straighten my head up. (where the catheter goes down to my heart is at the base of my neck and that bandage was put on while I was in lala land and my head was cocked to the right a bit) When we removed that tape, it took some skin with it and left irritated marks. Fortunately, my nurse for the chemo teaching changed the dressing, using a skin barrier and that gave me some comfort and more movement. Wide wing span movement is hard tho (putting sheets on the bed - folding towels) and I find that muscle exertion on my right side makes it throb a bit. I am trusting that will go a way soon.
Tomorrow starts chemo, and as I learned Friday, one of the drugs I will get (oxaliplatin) has, as a side effect, cold sensitivity.
Grabbing something out of the fridge or freezer will feel like being burnt
- drinking cold things will be very painful
- breathing in cold air will be painful.
Initially, this will be a feeling, with no nerve damage, however as the chemo continues, the possibility of nerve damage is out there.
To further complicate matters, I have reynauds. This disease shuts down the circulation to my hands and feet when my head and face get cold. I have had it happen in the past that because of the poor circulation, I would get sores on my toes, kinda like a diabetic. (This is prob more than you wanted to know, but it will explain my fear more fully) Because of the decreased circulation, the sores do not heal easily-like not for months. (It takes about 5-7 min to bandage toes every day, several times a day - and you can forget having any cute shoes!!!)
I have been able to improve this with the help of my wonderful chiropractor-BUT it is still a really scary thing to me to think that I will be even MORE sensitive to cold - in Winter in WI!
In addition,
chemo can cause permanent nerve damage--not feeling my feet, which would mean no driving and even less graceful walking! :)
My oncologist has done research, contacted others who have done research, discussed me at a conference (I AM just that unusual!), and still feels that because of my age, that this treatment plan is his best recommendation. My rheumatologist concurs.
As I look back at the events of the past year,
how God has carefully worked details out, timed things to perfection, blessed me repeatedly ---
I believe that he lead me through the progression of doctors, diagnosis, surgeries, etc
and that this is the Doc God wants me with.
If I believe that, then I should probably go with his advice, eh?
I am preaching to the choir here - reminding myself and chasing off the fears...
When I am fearful - I need to be thankful.
One thing that I am thankful for, that has come from my cancer, is that people that had gone out of my life have found me again. Sometimes they share a story about how I impacted their lives. I cannot begin to tell you how humbling that is. There are events that I forgot about long ago that meant so much to people--and they are now in contact with me, praying for me, sharing their lives with me. Ro 8:28 - God can work all things together for good to those who love him. This is one huge blessing for me!
There are other blessings also - sweet things my husband says like, "going anywhere with you is fun - even chemo." or "I want to plant your daffodils for you because when you see them in the Spring, you will know you are almost done!" He encourages me by talking of the plans we have coming up - even if I won't be able to do all of them, it helps to think of them.
We are learning to live with cancer - not sit around waiting to be done with this chapter
More blessings - all the meals y'all are preparing! Thank you so very much! There is another star in your crowns in heaven! Matt 25:40 - whatever you do ....you do for me
Another blessing - when I went on Friday, the receptionist at the oncologist's office said to me
that miracles happen here every day - she is one of those people who kind of "shines" with God's love.
Another blessing - our neighbors are wonderful! Here's some of the things they have done for us: dog care - grocery shopping - leaf removal - garden clean up- daffodil planting - more leaf removal - order wood for the fireplace
Other friends have cooked and cleaned for us --
God is definitely growing me in this area - it is so hard to receive help!!! Thank you!
Or Friday night--I was blessed to be able to attend the Hales Corners Lutheran School Auction. There have been times that I wondered if people read this--- boy was I ever wrong! I was surprised and humbled by how many people said to me that
they read my blog faithfully
- they look for it daily
-- they have been my prayer partners
--- that I inspire them
---- that they love how transparent I am.
I am blown away again!
Thank you for taking the time from your busy lives to walk this journey with me.
I am honored -- thank you!
I am apprehensive of the chemo--of walking this valley, of the unknown.
BUT
being afraid does not change the fact that God is on the throne, that he loves me and that He has a plan.
It doesn't change the fact that I get my strength from him--from his word.
Not knowing what that plan is, I can beat my head against a wall - scream and wail, 'why me,' or I can submit to this path and pray that I live my life pointing the way to Him!
"To Live is Christ - to die is gain!"
This is not our home folks!
Question for you:
What is your favorite psyche up music?
Chemo starts tomorrow - please pray for minimal side effects, especially the cold sensitivity because of my reynauds.
I am still sore from getting the port put in -- just not much skin to stretch over the sucker! I have deep bruising and my skin does not do well with all the tape --have had more trouble from the tape than from the surgery. The initial tape job after surgery had me very restricted - not quite able to straighten my head up. (where the catheter goes down to my heart is at the base of my neck and that bandage was put on while I was in lala land and my head was cocked to the right a bit) When we removed that tape, it took some skin with it and left irritated marks. Fortunately, my nurse for the chemo teaching changed the dressing, using a skin barrier and that gave me some comfort and more movement. Wide wing span movement is hard tho (putting sheets on the bed - folding towels) and I find that muscle exertion on my right side makes it throb a bit. I am trusting that will go a way soon.
Tomorrow starts chemo, and as I learned Friday, one of the drugs I will get (oxaliplatin) has, as a side effect, cold sensitivity.
Grabbing something out of the fridge or freezer will feel like being burnt
- drinking cold things will be very painful
- breathing in cold air will be painful.
Initially, this will be a feeling, with no nerve damage, however as the chemo continues, the possibility of nerve damage is out there.
To further complicate matters, I have reynauds. This disease shuts down the circulation to my hands and feet when my head and face get cold. I have had it happen in the past that because of the poor circulation, I would get sores on my toes, kinda like a diabetic. (This is prob more than you wanted to know, but it will explain my fear more fully) Because of the decreased circulation, the sores do not heal easily-like not for months. (It takes about 5-7 min to bandage toes every day, several times a day - and you can forget having any cute shoes!!!)
I have been able to improve this with the help of my wonderful chiropractor-BUT it is still a really scary thing to me to think that I will be even MORE sensitive to cold - in Winter in WI!
In addition,
chemo can cause permanent nerve damage--not feeling my feet, which would mean no driving and even less graceful walking! :)
My oncologist has done research, contacted others who have done research, discussed me at a conference (I AM just that unusual!), and still feels that because of my age, that this treatment plan is his best recommendation. My rheumatologist concurs.
As I look back at the events of the past year,
how God has carefully worked details out, timed things to perfection, blessed me repeatedly ---
I believe that he lead me through the progression of doctors, diagnosis, surgeries, etc
and that this is the Doc God wants me with.
If I believe that, then I should probably go with his advice, eh?
I am preaching to the choir here - reminding myself and chasing off the fears...
When I am fearful - I need to be thankful.
One thing that I am thankful for, that has come from my cancer, is that people that had gone out of my life have found me again. Sometimes they share a story about how I impacted their lives. I cannot begin to tell you how humbling that is. There are events that I forgot about long ago that meant so much to people--and they are now in contact with me, praying for me, sharing their lives with me. Ro 8:28 - God can work all things together for good to those who love him. This is one huge blessing for me!
There are other blessings also - sweet things my husband says like, "going anywhere with you is fun - even chemo." or "I want to plant your daffodils for you because when you see them in the Spring, you will know you are almost done!" He encourages me by talking of the plans we have coming up - even if I won't be able to do all of them, it helps to think of them.
We are learning to live with cancer - not sit around waiting to be done with this chapter
More blessings - all the meals y'all are preparing! Thank you so very much! There is another star in your crowns in heaven! Matt 25:40 - whatever you do ....you do for me
Another blessing - when I went on Friday, the receptionist at the oncologist's office said to me
that miracles happen here every day - she is one of those people who kind of "shines" with God's love.
Another blessing - our neighbors are wonderful! Here's some of the things they have done for us: dog care - grocery shopping - leaf removal - garden clean up- daffodil planting - more leaf removal - order wood for the fireplace
Other friends have cooked and cleaned for us --
God is definitely growing me in this area - it is so hard to receive help!!! Thank you!
Or Friday night--I was blessed to be able to attend the Hales Corners Lutheran School Auction. There have been times that I wondered if people read this--- boy was I ever wrong! I was surprised and humbled by how many people said to me that
they read my blog faithfully
- they look for it daily
-- they have been my prayer partners
--- that I inspire them
---- that they love how transparent I am.
I am blown away again!
Thank you for taking the time from your busy lives to walk this journey with me.
I am honored -- thank you!
I am apprehensive of the chemo--of walking this valley, of the unknown.
BUT
being afraid does not change the fact that God is on the throne, that he loves me and that He has a plan.
It doesn't change the fact that I get my strength from him--from his word.
Not knowing what that plan is, I can beat my head against a wall - scream and wail, 'why me,' or I can submit to this path and pray that I live my life pointing the way to Him!
"To Live is Christ - to die is gain!"
This is not our home folks!
Question for you:
What is your favorite psyche up music?
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Doing Well and an Opportunity to Help
Mediport successfully placed
Help wanted
Despite a wait of over an hour beyond my scheduled procedure time, my mediport was placed with no major problems. I did get a little nervous when they were looking for the vein in my neck and couldn't find it.....fortunately after some searching, they located it - thankfully with an ultrasound machine and not a needle!
As I got ready for this "game" this morning, my weepy mood continued and I really struggled to pull it together. On the way to the hospital, Todd would start a verse and have me finish it -- then we sang a few praise songs (a joyful noise!) The last thing I felt like doing was walking into that hospital this morning, but as I got out of the car, I sucked it up and walked in. This was the first thing that I did alone through this whole ordeal -- when we talked, I decided that I could manage this with a ride from a friend and didn't need him to miss more work since I might really need him if I get the flue on top of chemo - God forbid!
The pre-surgical waiting "bay," where you hang out until the surgery room is available was truly a challenge for me this morning. The Doc asking me if this was a new diagnosis, brought the tears back.
I knew I should be reciting verses to keep myself courageous, and it was like my mind froze - actually melted is more like it - into a quivering mass of self pity and fear.
I was blessed by friends who sent me scripture text messages to hang on to and read over and over--
You see, when you have that silly little gown on,
and several blankets to keep you warm in the arctic temperatures,
and an oxygen monitor on one finger, a pressure cuff around one arm
and a poorly placed IV in the other arm,
it is painful and awkward to flip memory verse cards in an effort to keep fear away.
Thanks for the verses to keep me going strong! Once I started reading them, other verses came back to me and I was able to reign in the fear and think logically. I knew I should be thankful -- so I started looking around for things to be thankful for --
--extra time to dwell on scripture, breath and relax
--friends who loved me enough to send God's encouragement
--that I could get phone reception once in a while to get the encouragement
(it went from 3 bars for a min to nothing for 5 min--back and forth the whole time!)
--blankets from the warmer!
--that all I have is colon cancer and not something worse
(at hospitals, there are always people there who look so much worse off than I am....)
--for painkillers
--for people who answer the call button
Between the scripture and searching out things to be thankful for,
my sense of peace came back -- not that the tears left,
but the peace came back and with it some humor popped out also --
-- I was able to joke with the techs in the OR --
To go from weepy and pitiful to calm and cheerful is a miracle!
This was God's special gift of grace to me--your prayers answered! Thank you for praying!
On another note- God is really growing me.
It is so hard for me to ask for help, or to accept help -- I am usually the one doing the helping!
However, I don't know how I will do with the chemo....so
Some of you have offered to help us with meals--Thank you! To make it easy, we have set up a calendar
To access Christine Moritz's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/
the following information in the appropriate spaces:
CALENDAR ID : 93366
SECURITY CODE : 5514
We really appreciate it!
Help wanted
Despite a wait of over an hour beyond my scheduled procedure time, my mediport was placed with no major problems. I did get a little nervous when they were looking for the vein in my neck and couldn't find it.....fortunately after some searching, they located it - thankfully with an ultrasound machine and not a needle!
As I got ready for this "game" this morning, my weepy mood continued and I really struggled to pull it together. On the way to the hospital, Todd would start a verse and have me finish it -- then we sang a few praise songs (a joyful noise!) The last thing I felt like doing was walking into that hospital this morning, but as I got out of the car, I sucked it up and walked in. This was the first thing that I did alone through this whole ordeal -- when we talked, I decided that I could manage this with a ride from a friend and didn't need him to miss more work since I might really need him if I get the flue on top of chemo - God forbid!
The pre-surgical waiting "bay," where you hang out until the surgery room is available was truly a challenge for me this morning. The Doc asking me if this was a new diagnosis, brought the tears back.
I knew I should be reciting verses to keep myself courageous, and it was like my mind froze - actually melted is more like it - into a quivering mass of self pity and fear.
I was blessed by friends who sent me scripture text messages to hang on to and read over and over--
You see, when you have that silly little gown on,
and several blankets to keep you warm in the arctic temperatures,
and an oxygen monitor on one finger, a pressure cuff around one arm
and a poorly placed IV in the other arm,
it is painful and awkward to flip memory verse cards in an effort to keep fear away.
Thanks for the verses to keep me going strong! Once I started reading them, other verses came back to me and I was able to reign in the fear and think logically. I knew I should be thankful -- so I started looking around for things to be thankful for --
--extra time to dwell on scripture, breath and relax
--friends who loved me enough to send God's encouragement
--that I could get phone reception once in a while to get the encouragement
(it went from 3 bars for a min to nothing for 5 min--back and forth the whole time!)
--blankets from the warmer!
--that all I have is colon cancer and not something worse
(at hospitals, there are always people there who look so much worse off than I am....)
--for painkillers
--for people who answer the call button
Between the scripture and searching out things to be thankful for,
my sense of peace came back -- not that the tears left,
but the peace came back and with it some humor popped out also --
-- I was able to joke with the techs in the OR --
To go from weepy and pitiful to calm and cheerful is a miracle!
This was God's special gift of grace to me--your prayers answered! Thank you for praying!
On another note- God is really growing me.
It is so hard for me to ask for help, or to accept help -- I am usually the one doing the helping!
However, I don't know how I will do with the chemo....so
Some of you have offered to help us with meals--Thank you! To make it easy, we have set up a calendar
To access Christine Moritz's personal CareCalendar site,
visit http://www.carecalendar.org/
the following information in the appropriate spaces:
CALENDAR ID : 93366
SECURITY CODE : 5514
We really appreciate it!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Git 'r done...
Tomorrow - Nov 10th - at 9 my mediport gets placed
Chemo starts Mon at 1:30
And I thought life was blurry before.....it just got blurrier...
just dreading this chapter of our life......It is difficult to be positive and optimistic as I read the side effects....I am sad.
Desperate, sad times call for desperate, reassuring measures -- and a lot of kleenex.
Is 41:10
So do not fear for I am with you
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you; (even with side effects of chemo)
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
Ps 23:4 Even tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me...
Ps 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be (not even chemo's side effects!)
Some of these y'all sent me -- keep 'em comin'! It helps so much! This is scary, yucky stuff and I am exhausted--they strengthen me.
If you want more info on a mediport - google it - Wikipedia has a pretty clear explanation -- mine will terminate in the superior vena cava. The purpose is to reduce the amount of "sticks" and cut the risk of infection. Thanks to all of you for the feedback about having one -- it was very reassuring!
Thanks for the calls and encouragement - for the prayers especially. I'm honored you take the time to read this and pray for us.
Chemo starts Mon at 1:30
And I thought life was blurry before.....it just got blurrier...
just dreading this chapter of our life......It is difficult to be positive and optimistic as I read the side effects....I am sad.
Desperate, sad times call for desperate, reassuring measures -- and a lot of kleenex.
Is 41:10
So do not fear for I am with you
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you; (even with side effects of chemo)
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
1 Chronicles 28:20
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work ......is finished...."
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work ......is finished...."
2 Corinthians 4:7-11
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed.
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. (may it be so!)
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed;
perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned;
struck down, but not destroyed.
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. (may it be so!)
2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
(self discipline is currently a hiding under the covers - or is that fear and timidity?!)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
(self discipline is currently a hiding under the covers - or is that fear and timidity?!)
Ps 23:4 Even tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me...
Ps 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be (not even chemo's side effects!)
Some of these y'all sent me -- keep 'em comin'! It helps so much! This is scary, yucky stuff and I am exhausted--they strengthen me.
If you want more info on a mediport - google it - Wikipedia has a pretty clear explanation -- mine will terminate in the superior vena cava. The purpose is to reduce the amount of "sticks" and cut the risk of infection. Thanks to all of you for the feedback about having one -- it was very reassuring!
Thanks for the calls and encouragement - for the prayers especially. I'm honored you take the time to read this and pray for us.
It's a Blur
On Monday, my surgeon declared me fit and able to be released from his care.
I have been researching alternative therapies, but will probably move forward with chemo swiftly to get it over with.
The surgeon was very pleased with my progress, my incision is closed - about 1/2 of it w no scab even! totally closed! When they looked at me, they said, " Well we are about 3 weeks post surgery now right?" uh - no, it's been 11 days! They just looked and me and at the screen and kinda flipped their eyebrows up in surprise. (Your prayers, answered!)
My liver enzymes, which were elevated on Friday are back to normal.
I have been off heavy pain killers since Sat and only taking occasional OTC pain relief since then. I am able to do much of what I need to do - just have to be careful about twisting movements. Driving again is a great relief and I am walking at a better pace! That has to be God! How else could it happen to be on that little pain medication 9 days after surgery! Again, this has to be the result of your prayers! Thank you for them!
The whole concept of chemotherapy does not make sense to me - to poison the whole body, to kill the bad cells ----
Some of you know that I gravitate toward non-traditional medicine - so I have been researching alternative therapies. Any research is time consuming, and to be truthful, because of the emotions involved, it has been difficult to unravel fact from fiction! It is very hard not to feel like a time bomb - wondering if/where the cancer cells are going to make a new home. I have an appointment with a naturopathic doc today.
It has been an emotional time, going through some of the grieving process - trying to figure out what to do - absorbing lots of information - weighing options. It is enough to make me nutsy! That's why you haven't heard from me. Not much to say -- just taking it all in, talking to people, crying and trying to process it all.
We thank you for all the e-mails sharing experiences with chemo, and with medi ports -- I am blown away by the kindness of my friends talking to their friends, and their friends taking time to share their experiences with me. You have answered so many questions for me. Thank you!
"but how are you doing?"
It has been harder the last few days -- it still is a shock to me to hear my name on the prayer list at church -- other than my funny bandage, I don't feel "sick"
(tired, yes -- sick, no!)
I feel out of control and not as peaceful -- however, it is my own darn fault because I haven't been spending as much time with God as I need to for calmness. Yesterday at Bible study, a friend said "you cannot build a shelter in a storm." We need to equip ourselves and strengthen ourselves before life's troubles smack us around. Then, in the midst of the struggles, we have to be faithful in keeping our priorities in order, with God first --
not alternative therapy research,
not long neglected domestic duties,
not worrying about it,
not the "busyness" of life,
not thank you notes, phone calls and e-mails --
but spending time in His presence, reading his word, remembering how he has guided,
provided and guarded me before, and being comforted by Him.
I have had so many people send me scriptures and encouragement - Thank you so much. They help me keep my eyes God.
Karl sent me this verse this morning --
2 Cor 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
I love it -
Last week Karl mentioned this song to me, and several others have also -- I confess - it made me so sad that we have to deal with this, but made me full of thankfulness for my awesome husband.
Yesterday, poor man - He kept hugging me, handing me kleenex and finally handed me my
keys, a cup of coffee, and lunch and said, " You need to go to Bible Study -- that is where
you need to be!" and he was so right....
I'm gonna love you through....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyU4S7yHFo
Thank you seems so repetitive, so inadequate -- my heart overflows with thankfulness for each of you who take the time to read this, to pray for me, for my family. Thank you! Your prayers are making all the difference! May you be blessed, as you have blessed us!
I have been researching alternative therapies, but will probably move forward with chemo swiftly to get it over with.
The surgeon was very pleased with my progress, my incision is closed - about 1/2 of it w no scab even! totally closed! When they looked at me, they said, " Well we are about 3 weeks post surgery now right?" uh - no, it's been 11 days! They just looked and me and at the screen and kinda flipped their eyebrows up in surprise. (Your prayers, answered!)
My liver enzymes, which were elevated on Friday are back to normal.
I have been off heavy pain killers since Sat and only taking occasional OTC pain relief since then. I am able to do much of what I need to do - just have to be careful about twisting movements. Driving again is a great relief and I am walking at a better pace! That has to be God! How else could it happen to be on that little pain medication 9 days after surgery! Again, this has to be the result of your prayers! Thank you for them!
The whole concept of chemotherapy does not make sense to me - to poison the whole body, to kill the bad cells ----
Some of you know that I gravitate toward non-traditional medicine - so I have been researching alternative therapies. Any research is time consuming, and to be truthful, because of the emotions involved, it has been difficult to unravel fact from fiction! It is very hard not to feel like a time bomb - wondering if/where the cancer cells are going to make a new home. I have an appointment with a naturopathic doc today.
It has been an emotional time, going through some of the grieving process - trying to figure out what to do - absorbing lots of information - weighing options. It is enough to make me nutsy! That's why you haven't heard from me. Not much to say -- just taking it all in, talking to people, crying and trying to process it all.
We thank you for all the e-mails sharing experiences with chemo, and with medi ports -- I am blown away by the kindness of my friends talking to their friends, and their friends taking time to share their experiences with me. You have answered so many questions for me. Thank you!
"but how are you doing?"
It has been harder the last few days -- it still is a shock to me to hear my name on the prayer list at church -- other than my funny bandage, I don't feel "sick"
(tired, yes -- sick, no!)
I feel out of control and not as peaceful -- however, it is my own darn fault because I haven't been spending as much time with God as I need to for calmness. Yesterday at Bible study, a friend said "you cannot build a shelter in a storm." We need to equip ourselves and strengthen ourselves before life's troubles smack us around. Then, in the midst of the struggles, we have to be faithful in keeping our priorities in order, with God first --
not alternative therapy research,
not long neglected domestic duties,
not worrying about it,
not the "busyness" of life,
not thank you notes, phone calls and e-mails --
but spending time in His presence, reading his word, remembering how he has guided,
provided and guarded me before, and being comforted by Him.
I have had so many people send me scriptures and encouragement - Thank you so much. They help me keep my eyes God.
Karl sent me this verse this morning --
2 Cor 4:16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
I love it -
Last week Karl mentioned this song to me, and several others have also -- I confess - it made me so sad that we have to deal with this, but made me full of thankfulness for my awesome husband.
Yesterday, poor man - He kept hugging me, handing me kleenex and finally handed me my
keys, a cup of coffee, and lunch and said, " You need to go to Bible Study -- that is where
you need to be!" and he was so right....
I'm gonna love you through....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iyU4S7yHFo
Thank you seems so repetitive, so inadequate -- my heart overflows with thankfulness for each of you who take the time to read this, to pray for me, for my family. Thank you! Your prayers are making all the difference! May you be blessed, as you have blessed us!
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