Side effects are manageable - hands still tingly - still exhausted - still flirting with nausea - still emotional - more of the same.... (Pray for Todd!) :)
Yesterday I had a melt down -- It was disproportionate to the cause.
Saturday I took 3 naps so I could go with Todd to a work function. I was thrilled to be there and be a part of his world again. Sunday, we slept in and went to late service and I took a long nap. (These naps are different than my former power naps where I sleep and wake within 20 min and am refreshed. These naps, I pass out and wake up groggy and exhausted.) When I woke up, I realized that one of my earrings was gone. Normally this would have made me sad, I would have looked for it, pouted and gotten over it. Well this time, not so much! I couldn't find it. When I mentally moved it from "misplaced" to "lost", I started to cry -- What started out,
"It was a favorite earring, made for me by a former client-a beautiful, irreplaceable item" turned into:
"I'm sick of feeling yucky - throw upy -
I'm sick of indigestion
I'm sick of being tired
I'm sick of not sleeping at night
I'm sick of napping all the time and waking up crabby, exhausted, and grumpy
I'm sick of my hair falling out
I'm sick of food and water tasting gross
I'm sick of not being able to focus and see correctly (chemo changes your eyes too)
I'm sick of being overwhelmed by "normal" tasks
I'm sick of blowing my nose all the time (chemo response - not the cold any more)
I'm sick of cold sores and mouth sores
I'm sick of having no energy
I'm sick of extreme responses to "normal" things........
I'm sick of doing something and being exhausted for 2 days
I'm sick of not doing things and still being exhausted
I'm sick of this game!! And I want my earring back!"
You get the drift.....
Did I mention, pray for Todd? He said, " It'll turn up" and I just wanted to hit him! :) in a loving way, of course!
My pity party had spun out of control...
I would love to say that I thought of all this scripture, and I turned my attitude around....
Truthfully though, I did think of scripture, and I did talk to God, but the tears and frustration had sat down and made themselves quite comfortable and I was having a really hard time showing them the door! I didn't really win that battle -
Even after several hours, after dinner, more searching, a fire, and a movie
I still had to fight tears....
Why am I writing all this?
Because so many people have said, " You are so brave. You are such an inspiration."
to which I respond,
"Brave, Schmave! No I'm not! I'm pretty ordinary-fighting the same battles as anyone else!!"
I do not have this all down - I do hit the wall (repeatedly!)
Sometimes I can drag myself back to faith-filled behavior (always with God's help!)-
Other times, NOT!
Truthfully, in the face of what others deal with -
griefs, loss and aloneness
illnesses and pain
discomforts
heartaches and hopelessness
the inability to do simple things
not being able to move or walk, to sit up, to care for yourself
fear of test results or the pink slip or the verdict
staring death in the face every day or worse
seeing life as it is, with no hope of change and no end in sight
In the face of these things that truly warrant tears, that are real tragedies--
I am ashamed of my selfish reaction and behavior.
They are the brave ones -
tackling their obstacles daily -
some very alone in their agony
I am merely vocal!
What do you do when life is beating you up, or you're hosting a pity party?
Give thanks....Remember scripture-
So here we go - A bit repetitive, but I am a very slow learner, requiring lots of repetition...
I am thankful for
A level husband who can look at things positively
Being 2/3 of the way done with chemo
Friends who make this valley better by notes, pictures, mail, surprises, flowers, dinner!!
Friends of friends who don't even know me, yet pray for me!
Sunshine
Birds at the feeder and birdbath
Sweet memories of past blessings - too many to count
Beautiful, sparkly snow
Not having to shovel (thanks Todd, Dan and Dave!)
Going to Las Vegas with Todd (holding my breath for tomorrow's nurse appointment)
50 spf sunscreen so I don't fry to a crisp in the sun (sun sensitive due to chemo)
Feeling decent enough to drive and run a few errands
A soft pillow and warm blanket for when I come back from errands
A loving dog to walk
Him feeling good enough to want to walk(he is 13 and arthritic, so every day is a gift!)
Going to the gathering with Todd
Encouraging conversations at the gathering and at church yesterday
Going to church and the message - that I remember where I get everything from
Blueberry pancakes - homemade!
My Chiropractor - Dr. Dave Gustitus who helps keep me goin'!
Great Employment and insurance
God's word coming back to me through the haze of sleep/wakefulness
Remembering how God has blessed me in the past
My phone and computer
The generosity of friends, providing a getaway for us
Seeing friends who have moved - staying connected
Lotion to keep my hands from cracking
Warmer weather
Being privileged to pray for others
Walking
Strength to accomplish a few things-even if it isn't the whole list
Seeing the blessings that have come from this challenge
Seeing what God has done with my obedience to be vocal
Encouraging others with my journey
You
Is 40:28-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary (even when I keep messing up)
His understanding no one can fathom (He understands, even when I make no sense)
He gives strength to the weary (He will provide what I need)
and increases the power of the weak
Even youths grow tired and weary and
young men stumble and fall (so I shouldn't feel bad about stumbling)
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength (renew it!)
They will soar on wings like eagles
They will run and not grow weary
They will walk and not grow faint. (this season will end)
Ps 23:1-4
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want
He makes me lie down in green pastures(naps are good)
He leads me beside quite waters
He restores my soul (there is hope, I won't always feel so despairing)
He guides me in paths of righteousness(away from my lost paths, but I have to follow!)
for his names sake.
Even though I walk through the valley (walk through, not live in - this will end!)
of the shadow of death (the shadow of death, not death itself)
I will fear no evil, for you are with me.....(I am not alone)
John 16:33
"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world!"
(I will have trouble-big or small, but Christ wins and because I am in Him, I win too!)
Ex 14:14 + Ps 46:10
The Lord will fight for you - you need only be still ...and know that I am God...
Ro 8:6b
the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace
Gal 5:22
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness and self control...(no pity parties!)
Matt 28:20
I am with you always, to the very end of the age....
Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God!
God's peace to you and blessings on your week!
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