Roller coasters make me want to throw up!

Pain is back - ratcheted up a bit. 
Waiting is playing mind games -

So how am I really?  
Depends when you ask --  I yo yo back and forth between "God's got this and I'll be fine" to 
"I'll be dead in a year" --- and that is not hyperbole.  My emotions are all over the place -- if you are nice and caring, you are guaranteed tears....unless I am numb at the moment - in which case you get nothing....Or I can be confident and flippant - which at the time, is not an act -- it's just the state of my mind at that point.  
Do I sound confusing?  Oi -veh-- try living it!  Actually no, don't try living it!  It's not fun!  
  Better pray for Todd - poor guy needs 'em!
When my brain goes south toward all the "what ifs",   I try really hard to combat them with thankfulness for all the good things and scripture verses and music. 

Down the roller coaster--- up the roller coaster--- down --- up--- down ---

My life is going to be lots shorter- 
  I'll have life in heaven
My quality of life won't be very good-
  God will grant you strength
I don't want to miss events  - 
  I have learned to be content....
My family will miss me
   God loves them more than I can imagine
   and he will take care of them
The joy of visiting with friends - 
    What will it be like the next time?  
There are things I still want to do -
  Maybe God's got a different plan...


The pain being worse means it must be cancer -
   It could just be some weird infection
If I need chemo - can I do that again? I don't want to - 
  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me
Chemo will be hard for 6 mos-I'll be so weak,but getting my brain back will take years...
   God's timing is perfect 
Last year was so amazing - Kids, Greece, Hawaii....This year is hard
   His strength is perfected in my weakness.
Will I be able to travel to see the kids?
   You did last time--God allowed it
Tears 
   Joys
Fear
    Faith

And this cycle can repeat itself with amazing speed, multiple times a day- sometimes within an hour - emotional whiplash!  [Did I mention Todd could use prayers  ?  :) ]

I learned to do lamaze breathing to get through real roller coasters -so I could go with my family-     (I don't think they are enjoying this roller coaster either!) 
This challenge takes really really focusing on God-even when it's hard to focus.  
It takes remembering that so very, very many people have it so much worse than I do.  
It takes praying for them rather than focusing on my issues. 
It takes awareness and thankfulness for all of my blessings.  
   
God is able to do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine - to HIM be the glory 
   Eph 3:20

Fear or Faith....What will it be this hour? 
  Whatever my focus is!

You are some of my greatest blessings! Thank you for your prayers and for checkin' in!