"Fat" Sat/Sun, liquid Monday and "rallying" do not mix well!

Played hard because life will soon change...

Liquid diet makes me crabby - crabbier, I should say
Weaker than I wanted to be for surgery

So how am I really?  
Thankful for a wonderful weekend! We crammed a lot into a short amount of time - and yes, I did pay for it a bit --- but It felt like my last weekend before life changes.....

Todd took me to Odysseyo which is put on by Cavalia.  It is a fabulous show - basically a cirque du soleil show with horses - It was absolutely fabulous!  

We also made it to the girls water polo championship and the girls basketball game. (both won!)  Was it a lot?  Yup!  But you know what?  It was nice to be able to do those things and pretend 1 more day that life is normal.  
I rested a lot Sunday, only going to one concert - OLu's vocal sacred concert.  That was amazing -- definitely ministered to my soul! 

Woven throughout all this was fun was trying to manage the pain-- 
Did you know, pain can make you nauseated - even when it is not hurting that badly? The adrenaline flows in response to the pain causing you to feel nauseated and headaches!  Found that out the hard way...

Today is laundry and cleaning and trying not to think about food!   
Between the pain and the liquid diet, I am hungry and shakey!

I am thankful!

that I'll get answers soon! (After 3 mos- a weeks seems soon!)

for painkillers

for all the hugs - prayers both written and impromptu-like in the middle of a store

for the kids at Olu that are praying for me - that has really blown me away --

for jello and chicken broth (sometimes its the little things!)

for all the thoughtful gifts that people have brought me - gifts from the heart!
for my phone that delivers sweet phone calls, pictures and messages
that the Lord will go before me, the God of Israel will be my rear guard...(Is 52:12)

Todd will post tomorrow - surgery is at 7:30 and will take 2 - 4 hours depending on scar tissue and any complications....

The God of Angel armies is always by my side.....

Thanks for checkin' in!! 

Trying to get stronger by 7:30 Tuesday!

Despite the flue, made it thru my pre surgical consultation - 
All talk from the surgeon is as tho this is cancer.....
Surgery Tuesday  3/1 at 7:30 a.m.

I survived 48 hours of the worst flu I've ever had -I prayed more arrow prayers "oh God - please help!" and "I can do all things through Christ" in 48 hours then ever before!  So thankful for my friends that stepped up and helped me out with laundry and groceries!  I was so blessed and so weak!  Thank God Todd made it home from Chicago and did not get stuck in the storm (700 flights cancelled - 1 airport closed - but his flight made it out safely!! ) So thankful!  

I am over the worst of it - still achy, but the "head on fire" feeling and vomiting is gone.
By sheer will power I made it to the Docs for my consult --Had Todd not encouraged me, I would never have made it! The fear of surgery being put off again was very motivating!  

Sadly, rather than excising the entire chain of lymph nodes, he is just going for a piece of tissue to test.  He said flatly that this probably is not just some benign growth - it probably is cancer and because of the delicate location, it would be better to have radiation shrink the nodes than go poking around in there.....

Very proud that I did not cry when he said that- Believing my God can do anything!
   and if he doesn't - well, I'll deal with that then...

There was the inevitable disclaimer that if something went wrong they would abandon laparoscopic and open me up -- not really what you want to hear...

Surgery will take about 2 hours - or longer (inevitable disclaimer!)
I will be in overnight, going home around noon the next day.  

They will do a frozen section if possible (they freeze and slice thinly a portion of the growth to determine if it is cancerous) However, the accuracy of a frozen section test is not high. Often the tests come back a week later saying "cancer " when the frozen section indicated otherwise.  
They will place a stint in the ureter to release the constriction and swelling of my kidney and thereby alleviate pain - we hope.  It will have to be changed every 3 mos - and I'll have to go through a "getting used to it" period - where my body will fight it....Can't wait to play that fun game!

Now I am trying to get stronger - I have 2 days before my liquid diet on Monday - which always weakens me.  In addition, I have to quit using advil, which means messing around trying to find a pain killing combination of drugs -- 

All of this is pretty much of a bummer, so back to thankfulness:
-that Todd made it home
-friends that prayed like crazy
-God who sustained me through horrible aches, vomiting and my head feeling like fire
-a beautiful patio to sleep on - or my nice comfy bed
-perfect weather in which to sleep
-clean water to drink and to do laundry with
  (no wonder people used to die from outbreaks like this)
-the birds twittering and keeping me company
-my surgeon being confident he can do this - you want swagger with something like this!!!
-drugs to help feel better
-cards upon cards - with sweet notes - each precious and encouraging to me
-God's promises being ever faithful...

I found this on Facebook and love the visual for crushing the enemy and for going before and standing behind -- hope you enjoy it as much as I do...just a regular guy - loving God with his gifts.  

https://youtu.be/X1E2K4Trcp8

Thank you for all your loving support -- it makes all the difference!  

Thank you also for the offers of meals -- at this point we are doing ok --I won't be eating much and Todd is pretty self sufficient.  We'd like to save those offers in the event that I need chemo....

If I do not acknowledge each text, email, card or gift it does not mean that it is not treasured by us.  It means I have no capacity to answer and deal with life!  Thank you so very, very much!

Thanks for checkin' in! love y'all!

Roller coasters make me want to throw up!

Pain is back - ratcheted up a bit. 
Waiting is playing mind games -

So how am I really?  
Depends when you ask --  I yo yo back and forth between "God's got this and I'll be fine" to 
"I'll be dead in a year" --- and that is not hyperbole.  My emotions are all over the place -- if you are nice and caring, you are guaranteed tears....unless I am numb at the moment - in which case you get nothing....Or I can be confident and flippant - which at the time, is not an act -- it's just the state of my mind at that point.  
Do I sound confusing?  Oi -veh-- try living it!  Actually no, don't try living it!  It's not fun!  
  Better pray for Todd - poor guy needs 'em!
When my brain goes south toward all the "what ifs",   I try really hard to combat them with thankfulness for all the good things and scripture verses and music. 

Down the roller coaster--- up the roller coaster--- down --- up--- down ---

My life is going to be lots shorter- 
  I'll have life in heaven
My quality of life won't be very good-
  God will grant you strength
I don't want to miss events  - 
  I have learned to be content....
My family will miss me
   God loves them more than I can imagine
   and he will take care of them
The joy of visiting with friends - 
    What will it be like the next time?  
There are things I still want to do -
  Maybe God's got a different plan...


The pain being worse means it must be cancer -
   It could just be some weird infection
If I need chemo - can I do that again? I don't want to - 
  I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me
Chemo will be hard for 6 mos-I'll be so weak,but getting my brain back will take years...
   God's timing is perfect 
Last year was so amazing - Kids, Greece, Hawaii....This year is hard
   His strength is perfected in my weakness.
Will I be able to travel to see the kids?
   You did last time--God allowed it
Tears 
   Joys
Fear
    Faith

And this cycle can repeat itself with amazing speed, multiple times a day- sometimes within an hour - emotional whiplash!  [Did I mention Todd could use prayers  ?  :) ]

I learned to do lamaze breathing to get through real roller coasters -so I could go with my family-     (I don't think they are enjoying this roller coaster either!) 
This challenge takes really really focusing on God-even when it's hard to focus.  
It takes remembering that so very, very many people have it so much worse than I do.  
It takes praying for them rather than focusing on my issues. 
It takes awareness and thankfulness for all of my blessings.  
   
God is able to do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine - to HIM be the glory 
   Eph 3:20

Fear or Faith....What will it be this hour? 
  Whatever my focus is!

You are some of my greatest blessings! Thank you for your prayers and for checkin' in!

Got a Date!

March 1 I'll have the lymph nodes removed -- 
Awaiting further details
Energy is good, pain is minimal! Advil is not needed every evening to sleep!  
          (at least for my gut -- allergy headaches are another thing!) 
Have not had an antacid in several weeks! (had been taking them multiple times a day!)

I've talked about a roller coaster of emotions before -- yup - still ridin that roller coaster! 
Over the weekend, I wrestled with thoughts like "I wonder how many healthy Valentine's Days I have left?" and other uplifting thoughts like that. (heavy sarcasm!) Often, feeling overwhelmed seems to be the common thread throughout the day - with the possibility of chemo and all those ramifications flitting in and out of my head.....
This is totally frustrating because I have no concrete info so fretting is useless 
Luke 12:25, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" 
and there is much to be thankful for!   The devil's just trying to wear me down, like water on a stone.  

If you were with me last time around, you know that when things get me down, I start listing things I am thankful for. It shifts my focus and works every time!  So here goes:
Todd - his deep faith and positive attitude; his love of cooking 
     (he made me dark chocolate covered strawberries!!! They were SO GOOD!)
Karl always checking in on me - 
Gretchen and Aliyah being sweet Skype distraction
Paul sending me fun videos and ideas to keep me distracted
Technology that lets me see them!
Beautiful sunshine, even if it is warm!
Hummingbirds
Music
Good energy ( if it was cancer, I would be more draggy and tired right?)
A soft bed and being able to rest in it comfortably- without the original pain
Our church family; our friends, near and far; our neighbors
All of you who lift us up -- 
   That this weekend was only the second time that I was that anxious or down is a minor
    miracle!  Thanks for praying us through!  
       
        You raise me up....

https://youtu.be/xj8wHfBKoRU
   

Making Progress --

The doctors all conferred - hallelujah!
Everything is being sent to insurance for approval for me to have surgery --
Target dates are 2/25 or 3/1
Pain is less the last 24 hours - no advil!  

So How am I?
Thankful!  Very, very thankful!  
A real mix of emotions -- relieved and thankful to be this far, but also the pit in the stomach feeling when you are facing something hard, and a little teary also.... 
Even the name sounds hard -- Robotic Laparoscopic Lymph Excision with more blah blah
   that means freeing the ureter and placing a stint if needed.  

Blessed by the scheduler - she was very apologetic that it had taken so long -- This will involve 3 surgeons and they were all texting each other because they kept missing each other to talk on the phone --- I think that is kind of funny!   
Thankful for technology that got this done quicker than it would have!

So thankful for Todd's position and the great insurance that he has -- 

Thankful for friends who pray and move mountains for us! 

Enjoying the beautiful weather -- it is fun to wear sandals and shorts --  

Also enjoying the hummingbirds -- they are so tiny, but feisty - defending their feeders vigorously!

We are very blessed....I'll be thankful today and worry about pre-op tests and procedures another day!!!
     
Matt 6:34
Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own!

Thanks for checkin' in!  

Patience...

No Phone call
Pain comes and goes 










Be careful what you ask for -- when you ask for patience, you have to wait a lot...... 
     but God's got this!

Thankful for Lent - time to dwell on what Christ did so that I could be in heaven with him.....

Are you giving something up for Lent?  
The whole point is to think about Jesus every time you want that thing that you gave up, so I guess giving up cancer would not count! 

Thanks for checkin' in!

Thanks for Waiting With Us!

I did talk to the urologist's office today, but did not get any information.    
They will call me tomorrow and let me know if he and the other surgeon conferred and hopefully schedule my pre-op consultation.  


Waiting is hard, but it gives me a little more time to kid myself that life is "normal" and enjoy it!  We had The Power of the Dream Gala this weekend to benefit OLu and I felt good enough to go and enjoy myself!  Didn't even have pain until 10 o'clock!  Thankful for that!!  (I usually start to get uncomfortable around 7!)

It was a very emotional evening for me -- so many people talked to me and offered to help in any way possible -- One friend got very emotional as we talked about the song "You Raise Me Up"  which one of our students performed --quite well I might add!  (Closing your eyes - you would have been hard pressed to tell it was not Josh Groban!) So many hugs - so many "praying for you"s---I was teary a lot!   Thankful for the love poured out!
The "Raise the Paddle" portion of the auction about put me over the edge though ---
When you are passionate and excited about kids receiving an excellent, Christian education, and you see others lean in and be excited as well, excited enough to donate, regardless of their situation in life, it is exciting and very touching!  More tears!!
So thankful for the wonderful people who put on the Gala and the attendees who actively care to see the Lancer Legacy continue
The kids performance did not help to stem the tears!  I love to see the kids perform, whether artistically, athetically or receive scholastic recognition- and I'm as proud of them as can be and somehow that requires a few tears!!  Guess it's the mom in me! So thankful for the kids - several of whom told me they were praying for me -- you guessed it - more tears!!

Sunday and today,  tho I was tired, it was not to the point of exhaustion where I had to sleep all day!  Thankful for that because sometimes I pay for the fun!

Continuing to pray that these lymph nodes are just some fluke and not colon cancer again....

"He who dwells in the shelter of the most high will rest in the shadow of the almighty...."
     We are trying to "dwell" as we wait.  Thanks for waiting with us!  Thankful for you!!!

Thanks for checkin' in!

More Performers in the Circus

The oncologist  and the urologist did confer.  The urologist wants a colo-rectal surgeon involved in doing the biopsy also.  The oncologist called one, who will contact the urologist in the next few days and they will confer. After they chat, the urologist will call me to set up a pre surgical consultation and hopefully schedule the procedure to biopsy the lymph nodes and place the stint...and so we wait...

Details
This is somewhat different than it was in Milwaukee.  There, I had several Docs all collaborating on my case, but my oncologist seemed to be the ringmaster of that circus.  Here, there are several rings in the circus - each with it's own ringmaster.  During this biopsy section of the circus, the urologist is the ringmaster.  Once I get a diagnosis, then the oncologist becomes the ringmaster.  My oncologist told me she usually is not involved until there is a cancer diagnosis -- so I am thankful for her extra help in connecting with the other doctors...I cannot figure out why the urologist wants a colo-rectal surgeon involved -- this is not in my colon -- it is in the abdominal cavity!  Guess he is just covering his bases!

In conversation with the oncologist, she did say that she is concerned that the lymph nodes are metastasized colon cancer.  Because of insurance, she told me that she would write up the authorization for a port and chemo so that they process while I am waiting.  That way, once we get pathology results, we will be approved and won't have to waste time waiting.

I appreciate her pro activity - but it made my stomach flip-flop to hear her say that...
Trying to remain positive in the face of that conversation is pretty tough! 

However our God is mighty and able!  He is my healer - Jehovah Rapha!  These silly nodes could be anything!  

Whether they are cancer, or they are not -- God is still on the throne --
He still has a plan - He carried me before - He will again! I know I will be ok --
   But - it is very hard to think about!  

Matt Redman's song was very poignant for me when we left St Louis, and then when I had cancer last time.  It becomes sweeter (not easier - but sweeter)each time I choose to say - "Blessed be the name of the Lord."  I have found that it is better- easier- more peaceful to choose this way rather than to rant and rave at God.  Ranting and raving exhausts me and robs me of His peace......If this is the road you have for me, yikes - I'm scared -- but so be it....  

Blessed be your name
on the road marked with suffering
tho there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name....

Every blessing you pour out 
I'lll turn back to praise 
and when the darkness closes in Lord
still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You Give and take away 
You Give and Take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be your name

Thankful for the beautiful weather to chase my gloomies away!
Thankful also for the cards and e mails that keep on coming in -- I am amazed at how kind people are!  There are people who barely know me - but a friend asked them to pray -- and they send me beautiful cards and notes!  I am truly humbled -- Thank you all!

       Thanks for checkin' in!

Some News !!

The PET scan showed that there was no metastasis to any other place in my body!!!
The oncologist will confer with the urologist regarding getting a biopsy of the lymph nodes!

Thank you so much for praying for my PET scan!!  It would have been a whole different scenario if there was metastatic evidence!  

So how am I really?
Exhausted-like I ran a marathon 
This will be short because I am so tired that it is really hard to write coherently.  
  
Today I kept busy with HOA and thrift shop responsibilities, but as soon as I stopped to think about "what ifs," my emotions were just waiting to take over!  
I received so many loving and caring text messages- thank you! They meant so much!
Tears were always hovering, just waiting to spill out.  
My blood pressure was 160/105 - and I usually run low!
I was shaky and felt sick. 
Said a lot of memory work - like Ex 14:14 
"The Lord will fight for you -- you need only be still....and know that I am God!" Ps 46:10
It was difficult to stay composed in the waiting room -- the tears kept trickling..

A blessing in the form of a friend texting with me while we waited helped quite a bit -- she sent me a song to listen to and encouraged me to "belly breathe" to calm down. There were even written lyrics so I could just read them in case I didn't have earbuds.  

https://youtu.be/qOkImV2cJDg  

       The God of angel armies is always by my side....

And I am blessed with an army of friends who storm heaven's gates on my behalf --
Thank you!

The report did say however, that the nodes "probably" were from the colon cancer.  That's a story for another day....

Thanks for checkin' in!  

No news is.....no news.....

Urologist appointment was inconclusive as he wants to consult with the oncologist.
PET scan results are unavailable until tomorrow because I was the last PET of the day so 
Oncologist appointment moved to 2:45 tomorrow 2/3.
Discomfort/pain that was gone over the weekend returned Sun evening :(
Hopefully, I will have more answers tomorrow! 

Details for those of you that want them....
The urologist was great.  He showed me my CT scan and I got to see how my kidney is enlarged, but has not lost function - yay! We discussed biopsying lymph nodes and placing a stint to help it function better. Bottom line, because this might be colon cancer, he is leaning toward presenting me to a tumor board (a team of Doc's that would oversee all aspects of my case--I had this in Milwaukee also).  The down side to this is that it can take weeks to convene the board.  (In Milwaukee, God intervened and it was only 4 days!) He will consult with my oncologist and come up with a plan after she has reviewed my PET scan. 

The PET scan was the longest test!  Actually, it just seemed like it because it was at the end of the day and I had to fast from lunch - which doesn't sound bad, but I was really hungry by 7:15 when I walked out!  

As she was prepping me, it was surreal.  They ask you everything all over again, so you rehearse your history, verify your name and birthdate.  It is hard to tell your story and timeline over and over.  
When they flush your vein, you taste it immediately and that taste brought back all the blood draws, chemo infusions and port flushes with such force.  That's probably what made me emotional...  

Normally, I don't get real emotional about tests  - nervous, sometimes a little, but not really emotional.  Sliding into the tube though there were a few tears puddling in my ears -- and you can't move, so it was a soggy 1/2 hour.  
Normally, I don't have claustrophobia, but the tube was a little snug --- I said lots of memory work, recited scripture like crazy and discussed my plans with God -- LOL!  Just hope He likes them - LOL!  It's pretty tough to end with "but your will, Lord."  
Normally, I don't have to mark time -- the joys of ADD - you get lost in your head and lose an hour with no problem.  Last night tho, I marked time by watching how far I moved based on the ceiling tiles, while I could see them, and then by the screws on the interior of the tube.  Between that and memory verses, it was bearable ---

Many thanks for all the prayers, text messages and cards -- I am so blessed by them!

https://youtu.be/PArsqbwTdJ8

    Strength WILL rise as we wait upon the Lord!  

Thanks for checkin' in!