Continuing the Journey

Still sleeping a lot -(3 naps one day!) sometimes very groggy- other times ok! 
Emotions can wreak havoc!
Pain steady
Praying specifically that the cancer is being eradicated by the vaccine and other protocols from Oasis of Hope.
Being really careful to not push too hard even when I feel good.  OLu football games are not in my future for a while :( but it is for the best  
Felt good enough to clean my own house this week (it helped that it had been cleaned for me last week!!!) Blessed and thankful to feel good!
Continuing to wrestle with how best to spend my time since I cannot do everything I had been doing...

Had a high energy day today-first one in well over a month!   Felt good enough to put on a cute outfit and walk with pep in my step!  Had a busy morning and a visit from a friend, then a LONG afternoon nap :)  

Wed I met with my primary care doc about pain medicine.  In the course of conversation, we were talking about whether I would be going back to my oncologist- that the onco would be more skilled with pain management and could order the PET scans more easily for follow up.  In the course of the conversation, my primary made the random statement that I would live longer if I had done the chemo, because chemo does work.  
When she said that, I was pretty much in shock.  We had talked about chemo or alternative before I had decided to go integrative.  She had not ever said I would live longer....or if she did, I did not hear it! (proof that you should take someone else with you to appointment!) 
Sadly, I really did a tailspin -- barely held it together to make it to the parking lot and then cried really hard - angry tears -- "why am I even having to think about this?" sad tears -- "have I short cut my probably already shortened life span? "   and tears of frustration  and sadness.  
How can one little sentence have so much power?  

Fortunately, I was meeting a friend to walk and she was a great listener.  The walk helped de-stress and her patient listening helped so much.    By the time Todd came home, he was able to calmly point out that perhaps that was right, but perhaps it was not-that you can find source for any stat.  He quoted our friend that had said, " there are no statistics for Christine Moritz"  He helped me to re-orient that this was the decision that we had made for now- we were doing the best we could at this point-and we could always change later....

As time separates me from this, I continue to be aware of the power of words - of beliefs. 
I have spent some time trying to analyze my thought patterns - checking for negativity and truthfulness.... That is an uphill battle for sure!  More on that one I am sure!  

I believe that God orchestrates things to encourage us and give us hope.  
As I was struggling with conquering my thoughts and being positive (all while sleeping/napping lots)  A friend messaged me that they wanted to bless me with meals for two weeks from a local chef who runs an organic kitchen! WOW!   What a helpful loving idea!  So thankful for people thinking for me!   I had no idea this was available!!  We are so blessed!  

Along the lines of encouragement, since I have been converting to organic, I have spent time at the Sprouts on Savi Ranch hunting for  items I had never heard of 3 months ago!  Usually I would just ask rather than waste a lot of time (who has the energy for that?)  Usually the same guy helped me.  After this happened several times, I asked his name. Matt is so helpful - offering suggestions for substitutions in recipes if I could not find exactly what I needed.    Sometimes in looking for things, he would say that even tho it did not have the organic label, the non-gmo product would be a very good substitute.  Today after pressing for organic for like the fifth time, I said to him something to the effect of, "Just so you know, I'm not trying to be difficult about things being organic.  I must have organic as I am a stage IV colon cancer patient and I really am fighting for my life.  My doctors say that other than giving up sugar, going organic is one of the most effective protocols there is, so I really appreciate your help so much!"  
I spoke pretty matter of factly and did not really dwell on it - rather continued with my question regarding which spices would give the mexican flavor the best.  I told him I was just back from Oasis of Hope in Mexico and was trying to replicate some of their food.  
Well, as often happens, he was really surprised - kinda' goggled at me and said, "wow - I just want to give you a hug - I'm so sorry!"  
I dodged the hug because it would make me cry-  
(being nice to me is disastrous when  I'm trying not to cry!)  
and we finished up with that round of questions.  
About 2 min later, he comes back down the aisle with a big bunch of flowers and said," I want you to have these.  With my family background, my wife's family's background - You have really touched my heart." and he gave me a big hug - which of course made me bawl like a baby - hiccupping and all!   He left, lest he also begin to cry.  As I tried to pull it together and stop crying, another one of their employees, a lady who had overheard some of our conversation,  went and got me tissues cause I really needed them!  I was so thankful for her help as well as for Matt's kindness.  
He was happy to be using his culinary degree to help me out with ideas and suggestions - having no clue that he had several times been a huge blessing to me! I had no idea that my story would hit him so hard.....

Thankful for:
Matt at Sprouts
naps
integrative therapies
hope
cooler weather
family
energy
friends
God's orchestrating encouragement
scripture to help me regain calm
gazpacho and chilie 
all of you carrying us when we cannot help ourselves!  
      Have a relaxing labor day weekend!  Thanks for checkin' in!