Lost Post

Many apologies for this - I had a LONG post to make up for the long  time between posts and when I previewed it - it vanished!   What follows is what I can reconstruct after spending 1/2 hour in vain, weeping and gnashing my teeth -- trying to retrieve the missing post. 

Roller coaster emotions and physical abilities/limitations
Keepin' on - eat, sleep, walk - normal domestic stuff
Tuesday required lots of hankies - just sad
Felt great Wed -Walked 3.75 miles Wed and slept like in a rock for 2.5 hours!  
Thus and Fri more in the middle - just normal enjoying a cousin's visit
Visited Huntington Gardens  and had great energy 
Napping has been less actual sleeping and more very deep rest but integral never-the-less.
Blessed by your friendship!

Pain is consistent - so thankful for meds that will keep it in line once they are balanced!

Had an appointment with my oncologist and she agreed to do my pain medicine.  Now rather than taking pills, I am on a pain patch.  Emotionally that is hard because in my head I think, "Oh crap - I really am sick -- only people that are really badly off have pain patches!" 
This is necessary tho as I can feel the cancer on the top of my liver when I laugh or cry and the pain around my hernia is more intense.   
Making the switch has not been seamless either - the breakthrough medicine does not work very well.  The tweaking process takes time and is wearing-including a 1/2 hour drive to the onco, $4 parking, walking across a huge complex.  (how do sick people do this?)  

Tuesday I was really sad - tears kept welling up for no real reason.  I had a perpetual lump in my throat.  Reading about "grieving well" in Fight back with Joy.  She wrote that some things from our past, if not grieved well, can manifest themselves as physical problems......It made me think a lot since I am a product of the "Do Not Show Your Emotions" type of family.    As tears welled up, I worked really hard not to just "stuff" the emotions -- to let them express the pain.  Not sure exactly what the pain was -

Perhaps I am grieving what might have been --

When we were newly married kids, we talked about how long we were likely to live ---
At that time - of our 8 grandparents 6 were alive and 3 of our 4 parents were in really good health.  Our life expectancy was to the mid 80's!  As life happened, now we have one parent left.... and suddenly the picture is different--even from 5 years ago, when the oncologist told me I had 10-20 years easily!      
And yet, as one of my friends said, "There are no stats for Christine Moritz!"
God can do anything!  Sarah was ancient - so was Abraham!  
"Is the Lord's arm too short?" from Numbers 11:23
I walk by faith, not by sight - 2 Cor 5:7
I love it when God shows off and does incredible things -- Praying that I am one of those amazing miracles!  

Perhaps I'm grieving that I always thought I'd be like Gretchen's mom as we hit the empty nest season - doing lots of outdoorsy things every weekend, hiking and biking and playing with the kids a lot....
As I expressed this to Gretchen, she laughed and said, "That's ok!  She's older than you - you've got time to work up to it!  :)"  Hahaha!  My daughter-in-love is such a blessing and makes me laugh so hard.  She sheds light, gives perspective and encourages self discipline!

For sure, I am grieving the loss of a young woman who inspired us all.  Tana Spencer- mom to 2 high school boys and wife to a dear,Godly man- was diagnosed with colon cancer about the same time I was.  This week, she went home to be with Jesus......words fail me -- tears flow tinged with fear...

Wed was like a switch got flipped!  I felt great!  High energy - a spring in my step - happy- felt capable and got lots done. I was so thankful to feel so good - you have no idea!  Maybe it was because I am nearing the end of my 3 week vaccine vacation - I don't know.  However, that night was different again -I was awake a lot perhaps because of the beautiful, full, harvest moon - or from walking 3.75 miles or maybe it was making the switch in medication and pain waking me up.  Either way, Thursday, I was not feeling so wonderful!  Thankful for my cousin visiting - what a gift that is!  Wish I were more lively - but that's ok!  It s great to just spend time together and talk [in between naps of course :)]


Todd decided that a day-off-stay-cation was in order so Sat we went to Huntington Gardens and I got a healing dose of gardens and green!!  It was so fun to go and feel good enough to stay for the whole day!  

Last night, as I was preparing for today, I got a little emotional.  It has been 3 weeks since I came home from Oasis of Hope!  That means that today I started the new protocols of nutraceuticals!  
Those were still packed away and as I dug them out, I was not sure what everything was and where it was.    Fortunately, my knight-in-shining-armor rescued me before I drowned in the sea of paper, bottles orders and receipts!   
Going this integrative route involves lots of TLC!  Fortunately, he got it all figured out in short order!  So thankful for him! He needs prayers too  - tho I really am trying to be a good patient!

A friend pointed out to me how unusual it is to have such a large, widespread support network praying for me and caring how I'm doing.  Believe me - I am very very aware of it!  It is hard for me to put into words how much y'all mean -- last week was a shot at it through that lovely quote from "Fight back with Joy."  Thank you seems so inadequate....If any of you have suggestions as to how to thank y'all - please let me know!  You have now idea how often I just sit and think about you!  I am so thankful for your loving care and concern - for the evidence of that in your "gently bossy" ways as well as the cards - the bible verses e-mailed and snail mailed- the surprises by my front door.  You have been so loving and caring for so long!  
Thank you is inadequate - but it's all I've got right now! 

So thankful for 
all the God sights this last week, 
the God appointments I got to be a part of,
beautiful weather 
hummingbirds and hawks by day and owls by night
moon
my pillow - and deep sleep when I get there!
you!

Thanks for checkin in!