Not for the faint of heart!

Trying to get back to a few shorter posts to keep you in the loop -
Doing pretty well on low dose chemo- just tired  
Blood in stool 1 time - but it sends off alarms
Tweaking pain meds has been really trying
Renal scan this morning to see if kidney is functioning 
Fighting to hold pounds
Squeezing in normal things --
"how are you really doing - "

Details...
I seem to be tolerating the chemo fine - just very tired. Should be used to this! by now!  The hard part is juggling the naps -- I need to nap a bit later in the day,so I can stay up a bit later, so I can not wake up at 4 a.m!  No success with this - but it is a goal!  

To give me something else to stress about, I found blood in my stool - only 1 time, but it sends off alarms all over.  In addition to checking in with the doctor more, now I need to thoroughly check for any additional blood.....you can imagine...
It takes a long time to accomplish any basic task!    

Tweaking the pain meds has been a painful process.  The goal is to control the pain, but not over-medicate.  Achieving this is challenging.  An oncologist is more skilled at reaching this happy place because they deal with so many more patients with chronic pain and all the nuances that go along with the pain and the side effects of the meds --That's why I was so thankful that she agreed to manage my medication.  The insurance paying for what she suggests is an added blessing!  In the interests of not taking so many pills, she suggested we do a pain patch, with some pills to swallow for breakthrough pain.  Breakthrough pain is the pain that "breaks through" the plateau of the medicine making you comfortable.  It is a quick acting medicine - sometimes called a rescue also.  The patch is a long acting medicine which takes some time to get into your system and be effective.  
I am including this tale of the last 24 hours not to garner more sympathy, (though prayers for Todd are probably in order!!)  but to broaden your horizons.   Because the patch was not working well, even after the 4-5 day loading time, I was taking a breakthrough dose every 4 hours (as in setting the clock at night so I would not waken, writhing in pain)

After talking with the doc, she suggested that we apply 2 patches when it was time to change it, and see if this would help get me a full night of sleep-tho she was worried it would make me groggy.  Yesterday we did that at noon.  After my nap  I had this amazingly powerful urge to cry - for no real reason.  I would cry and go about life and it kept coming back!  
My will power/self discipline was gone.  
Walking by the counter, or the corner of the couch, I would put my head down and cry.  
I was not hungry - in fact the smell of dinner made me nauseated.  
I ached like I had the flue
I sweated like crazy,then got cold - until I got hot again.  
After a night of tossing, sweating and crying I took off the extra patch this morning.  I figured the crying and feeling like I wanted to quit was worse than the pain - even tho that can get pretty bad.  

In desperation I had asked a friend for a ride to the scan this morning cause I kept crying -- (Could not imagine the highway at rush hour in tears!) 
She was so kind to me and prayed for me- 
   I got a hug and cried a lot all over her...
Got to the Pavilion and a friend was the volunteer greeter there - 
   I got a hug  and cried all over her also
Ran into some friends coming out of the elevator - 
  I got a hug from them and cried all over them also....
After the scan, another hug and more tears from my volunteering friend....
Todd picked me up - yup - you better pray for that poor man -- I cried......
Non of these tears were warranted!  They were from the medication - I am sure!

I've had several people say, "so I read your post, but how are you really --"
This is it guys - I'm transparent- it's how I really am doing-
     please pass the kleenex....
     :)

It has become so clear to me that until you no longer have the blessing of jumping out of bed feeling great, you have no idea what a gift you receive every day.  
Be thankful for what you have!  
Work hard to keep it!
Stay away from sugar's addiction! 
Eat more vegetable-preferably organic ones!
Exercise to stay strong!
Sleep well
De-stress!
Cultivate a thankful attitude!

We are so thankful for all of you!  
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  
A righteous man has many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all!
   Ps 34:18,19

Thanks for your prayers - they carry us!  Thanks for checkin' in!