Nurse check report - Slower bouncing back

Low Blood counts - susceptible to infection :( but feeling pretty good - just tired 

Trying to cram 2 weeks worth of living into one week!

We were blessed to have a good weekend and I made it to bible study today.  I feel pretty decent, though nausea hung on til yesterday.  I get tired much more easily now.  Things like talking after church, or bible study leave me pretty well drained of energy and routine chores are tiring - but that is all part of this game!  Overall, the side effects were harder and longer than the first time.  I simply cannot allow my brain to think about how I will be by round 10, 11 or 12..... too scarey!  It calls for a dose of courage - Ex 14:14 - The Lord will fight for you -- you need only be still.  
Good thing -cause being still's about all I can do!!!

My nurse check yesterday went long -- my white and red blood counts are low and they had to confer whether they were going to give me medicine to combat that.  The consensus was to not give me anything, but let my body build itself back up.  I think that is good - not sure  :)

Please pray that my body can heal itself and that I can be disciplined to do my exercises (yuck) and eat properly and take my medicine cheerfully.  If my levels do not come up, they may postpone chemo. Our trip to MT is scheduled around when I am "better" so shifting the schedule will impact our trip.  I am trusting God.... Prov 3:5-6

The sermon this weekend talked about presence.  

He referred to a ministry of presence --

    Thank you to each of you for your ministry of presence to us.  Your notes, hugs, texts, calls

    and meals have blessed us so much.  Whether you are far away, or just across the street, 

    we feel your presence and love and are lifted up.  

He talked about how each of us changes the room by our presence.  

Anywhere you are, you change the dynamics by being there - by what you bring-by your attitude.

Did you ever think about that?  

I never did before. I had no idea how much I had influenced people.  The stack of cards and my e-mail box is proof that I had made a difference - and I didn't even know it!  

How are you changing the dynamics of your circle of influence? 

Are you positive and cheerful or a grumpy old Scrooge? 

Are people lifted up after they spend time with you or do you suck the life out of them?    

Do you bring peace and a thankful spirit - or do you bring a critical spirit? 

 "If the love of the Lord is in your heart, why doesn't it show on your face?"  :) 

It is difficult to have a positive attitude.  It is possible, though to bring a peaceful, positive spirit to any situation if you are spending time in the presence of the Lord.  
Matt 19:26, "with God all things are possible."  
Happiness is dependent on our circumstances.  Joy is dependent on God and He gives peace.
John 14:27 My peace I give to you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled.... 


I am living proof of that. 


May you spend time in His presence so that your presence is a blessing to those around you.  

Better and Blessed!

Slightly less nauseated, slightly more energy - hallelujah! 

Blessed by the struggle!

I am feeling a little bit better today.  

The nausea is still there, but it is not as incapacitating.  

I have a little more energy - was able to walk today about 2 miles.  I did have some cold side effects, but was able to tough it out.  The most disconcerting side effect was that when I uncovered my face, and breathed normally, I felt like I was suffocating.  I guess the cold cramps my breathing "muscles" just like my hands :(  

I have to figure out a way around this, because I can't not breathe outside - lol!

On a more introspective note:

Todd posted the song Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster last night in a comment on my blog. He reminded me it was advent, a time of waiting, and said that I would get stronger as I waited on God for my health to come back.  

When you are feeling bad, and cannot even think, it is hard to comprehend feeling better, let alone getting any stronger.  

When you have a set back, you cannot think about being beyond it. 

Yet 

every time there is an obstacle in your path, and you 

--climb it -- survive it -- conquer it -- get around it -- endure it to the end --

you become stronger.  Not necessarily physically stronger, but you trust God more.  

When you have experienced him carrying you, 

  helping you when you cannot help yourself --

      then your trust grows....  

One of the  most powerful gifts that I have received 

(and I have received many!!! thank you so much!) is an I-tunes gift card with a list of "strengthening" songs from dear friends of strong faith.  

Their kind of strength does not come from the mountaintop experiences in life - 

rather it comes from 

  -- problems -- disappointments -- struggles -- despair -- pain -- grief -- obstacles -- 

   .  

"What if your blessings come thru raindrops

what if your healing comes thru tears

what if a thousand sleepless nights are 

what it takes to know you're near..... 

what if the trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" (Laura Story, Blessings)

I am thankful for the obstacles and hardships I have experienced because

they cause me to look for and clearly see God's provision for me 

they strengthen my belief in his promises and 

    my trust in him.  

I could never have said this truthfully several years ago - 

but God taught me through problems that they're His mercies by which he will strengthen me.  

      I am blessed.....

By what obstacles is God strengthening you?

Same old - same old

Pretty much the same as yesterday - 


Trying to be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances -(1 Thess 5:16-18) but it is an uphill battle some days - 


So here's what I am thankful for today:
That I am only nauseated, and not vomiting
For naps
Sunshine
For a a comfy couch, in a warm house, in a peaceful country, on which to rest/nap
For clean water, even if it tastes funky from the chemo
That the goal of this chemo is "cure"  and not "palliative"
That I have enough energy to type a bit and text a bit
Friends and family 
Chance, my dog, who does funny things and makes me laugh
Music




The best side effect of fighting a life-threatening disease is learning how to live -
    Roger Ebert


Jer 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord 
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.  


Clinging to the hope and future....

Untethered - and yuck but bearable

Got disconnected from the pump - thankful for that
Not as nauseated as last time - (tho still nauseated)  thankful for that
Exhausted - thankful I can rest
Walked a mile and a half -  hands stinging all the way - thankful to exercise
Took a shower (it's the little things in life!) Todd is really thankful for this one :)




a lot like like yesterday - making it, but it isn't pretty.


God is carrying me....
Thanks for prayin' me strong - can't imagine how awful I would be without your prayers!  
The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.....James 5:16


Blessings to each of you!!! 

yuck but bearable

I feel disgusting but will get through it!


Humbled some more - exhaustion made me leave bible study early this morning :(
Smells affect me profoundly w a gag reflex 
     (like people's hand lotion or after shave, perfume or the scent diffuser in a public rest room)
I alternate between sweating profusely and being chilled to the bone - nice huh?
I am not hungry-nothing tastes really good (chemo messes w your taste buds)
   Todd is patient, getting me to eat-I am so thankful for him!
There is no energy to walk :( gotta really push myself and only made it 1/2 mile
     and my hands, feet, face and butt feel like they have needles sticking in them- weird!
Spasms in my hands make typing/texting hard
Cold makes my eyelids twitch so my vision is distorted and makes my cheeks scrunch up and 
     my lips cramp like I am saying the oo sound


I cannot help but contrast how much love and encouragement I am receiving from all of you with how alone my dad was.  He lived with years and years of severe back pain from spinal stenosis - battled pain,  pain killers and loneliness after mom died.  There were people, including me, who tried to care for him, tried to reach out, to invite him over or out, to care for him.  He set us firmly at a distance.  How much richer his life could have been had he let us in to share his walk.  The poor man never let people minister to him.  I think he was afraid to let people in-to let them see his pain or sorrow.  That pride kept him on a very lonely island.  How sad!


I am thankful for being taught the lesson of sharing my life.  I had no idea how it would enrich my walk!  and to think that I almost didn't "go public"  -- what all I would have missed!  Thank you!

Someplace it says that a friend divides sorrow and multiplies joy - 
     anyone know where that is from?  --too tired to track it down - 


I cannot explain how you have divided my sorrow and multiplied my joy ----
to have so many people caring and praying for me...bringing me dinners....offering me rides....wearing my bracelets...beaming with smiles when they see me.... 
The blessings that I have received from being open about my walk have been huge!  
Thank you for all the encouragement and love!
I will make it through this - by God's grace and you all being "Jesus with skin on"!


Another thanks for those who do dinners for us!  They've saved our butts!  'Specially Todd's!   :)  
If you are bringing us a meal, and would like to drop off earlier in the day, that would be great! I am stronger earlier in the day, and It seems like it is easier, rather than fighting rush hour traffic. 
Some have asked what sounds good to eat, to which I smile and say, "it depends on the day."  Even if I feel yucky, I am thankful that Todd has a good meal, so God bless you for your efforts in this! and thank you for this tangible blessing!  We are so very thankful!

He humbles the proud....Chemo plus humility

Didn't even know I was proud --Chemo went smoothly, but the side effects were humbling and enlightening.  


It is amazing how long it takes to get chemo!  It was the day after a holiday, so they were doing booming business!  The blood draw and the wait for the PA took an hour and fifteen minutes!  The wait for pre meds was about 1/2 hour for a  20 min procedure.  The Chemo takes 2 hours. Then they give me a loading dose of the 5 FU and connect me to a pump full of it for 46 hours -- yippee!  
I should not whine -- I am thankful for the medication, for my mediport  and for all the nurses who take care of me.
Going to the infusion room always makes me thankful -- there are people there who are so much more worse off than I am!  I am truly blessed to be "young" and relatively strong!  Thank you Lord!  


What was disconcerting, however, was that within 15 minutes, I had muscle spasms in my face and numbness in my hands --- it felt like pins and needles.  Fortunately, it is about 7 now and the numbness has gone away.  But, it was embarrassing at the store to be unable to load my cart efficiently and fold my receipt or put it in my wallet.   As I fumbled with it, and dropped it, I explained to the clerk that I was on chemo and it made me clumsy.  It was amazing to see the change in her--she had been watching me with a somewhat disdainful look, trying to figure out what my problem was.  Her expression changed to shock and then to sympathy -- she said she was so sorry and hoped it would go well for me.......


As I went to my car, and dropped first my mittens and then my keys, and struggled with the key in the lock, it made me think how often I have been impatient of people who couldn't do things quickly, smoothly or who are doing their thing in my way, causing me to slow down....
(how arrogant is that???)
wow -
who am I to feel that I am so important, that they should get out of my way??? 
who am I to judge them? 
who am I to be so proud/arrogant?  
   ( I didn't know I was going to get a strong dose of conviction with my chemo today!  
    These side effects are life changing!)


Maybe they're on medicine that's taken away their ability to do things the way they want to Maybe they feel terrible, but have no one to help them --
  so they struggle and are the object of disdain, ridicule and frustration to those around them
Maybe they are all of the above and still have to work and are totally exhausted....


So when you see someone who is 
  driving slowly
  fumbling with their keys/purse/coat zipper/kleenex,
  who walks slowly or funny, or with a cane or rides a handicapped cart 
  who is standing in a daze, seemingly unable to assemble their thoughts
think what it would feel like for you, if you couldn't do something because your body won't do what your brain tells it to do---something you have done for a lifetime, swiftly and with no problems.  
              It is most humbling. 


I am reminded to not judge, because I will be judged - and to treat others the way I want to be treated. (matt 7)


Well my friends, the achy ness and weariness has set in -- I am going to sign off -


I am thankful today: 
that I can feel my fingertips again
for ginger and seabands against nausea
that Karl and Gretchen made it as far as Billings MT - praying them to Missoula tonight
that I have friends that will help me when I cannot shop/run errands/clean house/drive
that I am privileged to see the body of Christ work to care for me and my family
that I could walk my dog the 3 miles I am supposed to walk to build my blood cells
that Todd could go with me and work  from the 9th floor of Aurora St Luke's
for all the prayers the cover me and my chemo and Todd and his work
for dinner delivered with a smile, encouragement and a blessing
that I can eat the dinner! :)
for text messages, e-mail and facebook
for you ---
thank you for checking in - a big hug to each of you!


A shot of courage --Is 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Very Thankful!

We were blessed to have a wonderful Thanksgiving!  Thank you for all the loving greetings!  


Time FLIES! especially when my family is all together!  We had so much fun being together-- getting to know Gretchen and just being together as a family--
we ate lots 
 enjoyed fires in the fireplace  
  played lots -- games and artistic creations with the nephews and niece 
   talked lots 
    worshiped together
     visited with dear friends
      laughed a lot
       watched MASH
        played canasta and monopoly (no competition in this family!) 
         did a bit of shopping
          watched movies
           cooked more 
            ate more
             went through lots of my dad's things, making lots of decisions
              loaded up my dad's car - which is now Karl's girlfriend Gretchen's car so full
               saw them off Sat a.m. to drive to Montana-stopping near LaCrosse to visit her family
                met St Louis friends for breakfast
                 put up our big creche (manger) with Paul
                  watched football and hockey
                   did never-ending laundry
                    worshiped with Paul
                     took him back to Concordia
                      bought a Christmas tree
I am sure you understand why I didn't blog while we were together!  


Through all of this fun, I have felt good!  I am so very thankful!!!  
The "amped up " jittery feeling left Wednesday evening and I felt almost normal.  


The house is very quiet now.  
During worship this morning, when they said my name on the prayer list, it made me puddley-eyed again as the reality of chemo tomorrow reared it's ugly head again.  
It's hard to explain what I am feeling -- not really fear -- apprehension maybe? 
just not sure what triggers the tears......maybe it is that Karl is so far away and family time is so few and far between.....
   though we are planning to go to Montana for Christmas, so I will get to see him in a month....
      if I am healthy enough to travel.....
   which means that I will see him 4 times this year - which is double the usual number of times! 
That is something to be thankful for!  


The boys got me an IPOD touch for my birthday (we waited to celebrate til we were together) 
Their thinking was that I would have music and scripture at my fingertips to encourage me when I get panicky.  What an amazing gift! They gave me technology lessons (no I am not proficient yet) and showed me how to load things onto it!  Thanks Karl, Paul and Todd!  
I am very thankful for such a powerful weapon to combat the apprehension - the blues.

So back to what triggers the tears --- 
I realized in church, as I was trying to be discreet wiping tears away, that my focus slipped from my God to my apprehension.  I was hostessing a major pity party -- 
all my fun is done - now I have to do this hard, yucky, painful thing...
It is so easy to fall back into that ego-centric thinking....so tough to remember that I am NOT the center of the universe (that may be a news flash for some of you - lol and you thought YOU were the center of the universe...hahaha)


"Measure the size of your obstacle against the size of your God"  
     Wise words, I think from Beth Moore.


I just need to remember them -- 
to live them 
to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5)  
to remember that His grace is enough for me because His power is perfected in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9)
to be joyful always, 
to pray continually and
to give thanks in all circumstances .... (1 Thess 5:16-18)
to praise Him in the storm
to not let my focus shift away from God
to trust Him......


Blessings to you -- and thank you for your continued prayers, support and kind messages!