3rd set of Protocols is wearing me out.

Continuing to push
Tired
Started 3rd protocol today - 
Still reaching for the tissues - both kinds :/
Workin' to keep my spirits up....
Renal scan shows some function but not much
Will order more tests tomorrow....

Some days take more effort than others - today was a high effort day.  

Every 5 days, for the last 10, I have added 4-5 supplements to my daily routine -- yes I am back to taking about 12-15 pills a meal again...  I have always had a sensitive stomach, so this makes me feel really nauseated and reaching for both kinds of tissues lol!

I had several people ask me about taking the low dose chemo...  Sorry that I had not clarified this!  

Previously, I had said flatly that I would not do chemo.  The chemo I was referring to in that context is the IV chemo that kills your immune system and everything else it comes in contact with.  I have to say, that conviction still stands strong, but not as strong as it did 6 mos ago because this is so exhausting!    I view traditional chemo as my last ditch effort, if all else fails --- though it would take a lot of prayer to get me to agree to do it.   

The chemo that I take is called xeloda (zuh-low-duh).  It is 2 pills in the morning, and 2 pills at night. (No IV! very nice!)  There are no side effects. (so they say) 

In integrative circles, it is often used in conjunction with other protocols to get rid of the cancer.  

If you think of the difference between the shot pattern from a rifle and the shot pattern from a shot gun - that will draw a parallel between western medicine and integrative medicine.   Western medicine recommends chemo  perhaps in conjunction with surgery or radiation.  Those are single shots that require perfection to hit the target well.  Integrative medicine has many, many "shots"  (protocols) in it's arsenal and it will use many of them at the same time to try and wipe out the cancer beast - think of the scatter shot pattern.  

The docs both here and Oasis of Hope think xeloda is my best chance to beat this - so I am doing it.   

Praying that when I talk to my urologist tomorrow, he will agree to place another stent and see if that will help improve kidney function....He has not been excited that I'm not doing western medicine and it is really hard to get in to see him because he is so good.  

Praying that I am able to talk to the Oasis docs tomorrow and figure out what to remove from my protocols so that I feel a bit better.  Today.  I thought I would feel ok - but ended up dozing for most of the late morning and then sleeping hard until 4 -- waking to diarrhea.  

Sorry today is not one of my more uplifting days....it's just true.  

Thankful for the low 90's instead of the high 90's 
Thankful for A/C
Thankful for telephones/computers for good communication -
Thankful for all the people who pray for me - days like today, I can't really do it for myself - 
       just lost in a haze of trying to remember scripture!   

Thanks for checking in! Y'all are a blessing!

Next Round Started - tissues needed!

Extra pain patch symptoms have cleared my system 

Started/added new round of protocols this morning
Hernia pain

Trying to avoid a pity party
Tired

Thank you for all you do! 

Thankfully, the need for tissues - the chronic emotion and crying- tapered off yesterday and by last night I was really back to "normal" (which is only a setting on your dryer anyway!) So thankful for that!  

Following Oasis of Hope's schedule of protocols, this morning, I began taking Metformin, Proanselin, baking soda (2 tsp in 16 oz of water sipped throughout the day) and lipospheric Vit C.  You never know what might happen when you add a protocol and true to form, by afternoon, I had diarrhea - argh!  I exchanged the need for kleenexes for the need for toilet tissue -- haha -- ya gotta laugh! Never a dull moment!  

After talking with Oasis of Hope, (whose response time is awesome - I have to say!)  they told me to stop taking the metformin and wait for my gut to settle.  After it is "normal," I am to reduce the dose by 1/2 and add it back in again. 
 Some of you may be saying. "Wait, metformin - that's a diabetes medication!"  
Yes - it does control blood sugar, which is good for any cancer patient, but it also kills cancer cells!  A very nice bonus! 
ProAnselin is a nutritional supplement that has several desirable ingredients including laetril.  
Baking soda changes the alkalinity of the tumor itself.  The alkali water does not do that, but the baking soda taken this way does.  This change helps to kill off the cancer cells.  Is it my favorite beverage?  Well not really, but worth it in the long run!

Hernia pain has been a bit challenging.  It really has flared up on several occasions where I could hardly stand it and I thought it was "strangulated."  It was not--but it would take an hour and a half of rolling around on the floor, massaging the hernia, sometimes while crying, usually reciting scripture for distraction, to get it under control!    It would leave me totally exhausted. To add to the fun, you never know when it is going to happen!  

All of this has put a big dent in my social life -- 
having to cancel a few things last minute -- 
having to put off errands  -- worst of all -- 
having to not attend things with Todd.  

I have drastically cut back on what I do with him (like I go to virtually nothing!) Tonight is homecoming and I so wanted to go to the football game and see people and be a part of that wonderful time.  Two unexpected naps and several rounds in the bathroom negated that :(  It is hard not to feel sorry for myself as I watch Todd leave again --
You know what this means -- I gotta be thankful! 

And I am - for
having to stay behind in my house, not at a hospital
my integrative doctor, my oasis of hope doctors
beautiful unseasonably cool weather (today anyway)
friends who don't mind last minute cancellations/rescheduling or helping me
a flexible schedule that can dedicate time to healing naps
"      "             "          "     "         "           "     "  blogging to stay connected to you!
being strong enough to be able to do normal things - like stand for a conversation, bum 
    around a store, empty trash and cut flowers
how beautifully the sunlight changes at the beginning and end of the day
sauce on my meals that looks like no big deal, but when eaten is a complex blend of flavors 
   that make the food really taste great (Thank you Be Well Kitchen and Jenny Ross!)
being able to eat even when I don't really want to
having some strength to run errands 
God always listening to me complain and gently bringing to mind how ridiculous my whining
   really is when seen from the "eternal" vantage point.  
All the things y'all do for me - funny cards - stories - great distractions!  

Thank you so much! Y'all are such a blessing! 

I know who goes before me - I know who stands behind me...
           https://youtu.be/bwo7KT95iDg

Thanks for checkin' in!  

Not for the faint of heart!

Trying to get back to a few shorter posts to keep you in the loop -
Doing pretty well on low dose chemo- just tired  
Blood in stool 1 time - but it sends off alarms
Tweaking pain meds has been really trying
Renal scan this morning to see if kidney is functioning 
Fighting to hold pounds
Squeezing in normal things --
"how are you really doing - "

Details...
I seem to be tolerating the chemo fine - just very tired. Should be used to this! by now!  The hard part is juggling the naps -- I need to nap a bit later in the day,so I can stay up a bit later, so I can not wake up at 4 a.m!  No success with this - but it is a goal!  

To give me something else to stress about, I found blood in my stool - only 1 time, but it sends off alarms all over.  In addition to checking in with the doctor more, now I need to thoroughly check for any additional blood.....you can imagine...
It takes a long time to accomplish any basic task!    

Tweaking the pain meds has been a painful process.  The goal is to control the pain, but not over-medicate.  Achieving this is challenging.  An oncologist is more skilled at reaching this happy place because they deal with so many more patients with chronic pain and all the nuances that go along with the pain and the side effects of the meds --That's why I was so thankful that she agreed to manage my medication.  The insurance paying for what she suggests is an added blessing!  In the interests of not taking so many pills, she suggested we do a pain patch, with some pills to swallow for breakthrough pain.  Breakthrough pain is the pain that "breaks through" the plateau of the medicine making you comfortable.  It is a quick acting medicine - sometimes called a rescue also.  The patch is a long acting medicine which takes some time to get into your system and be effective.  
I am including this tale of the last 24 hours not to garner more sympathy, (though prayers for Todd are probably in order!!)  but to broaden your horizons.   Because the patch was not working well, even after the 4-5 day loading time, I was taking a breakthrough dose every 4 hours (as in setting the clock at night so I would not waken, writhing in pain)

After talking with the doc, she suggested that we apply 2 patches when it was time to change it, and see if this would help get me a full night of sleep-tho she was worried it would make me groggy.  Yesterday we did that at noon.  After my nap  I had this amazingly powerful urge to cry - for no real reason.  I would cry and go about life and it kept coming back!  
My will power/self discipline was gone.  
Walking by the counter, or the corner of the couch, I would put my head down and cry.  
I was not hungry - in fact the smell of dinner made me nauseated.  
I ached like I had the flue
I sweated like crazy,then got cold - until I got hot again.  
After a night of tossing, sweating and crying I took off the extra patch this morning.  I figured the crying and feeling like I wanted to quit was worse than the pain - even tho that can get pretty bad.  

In desperation I had asked a friend for a ride to the scan this morning cause I kept crying -- (Could not imagine the highway at rush hour in tears!) 
She was so kind to me and prayed for me- 
   I got a hug and cried a lot all over her...
Got to the Pavilion and a friend was the volunteer greeter there - 
   I got a hug  and cried all over her also
Ran into some friends coming out of the elevator - 
  I got a hug from them and cried all over them also....
After the scan, another hug and more tears from my volunteering friend....
Todd picked me up - yup - you better pray for that poor man -- I cried......
Non of these tears were warranted!  They were from the medication - I am sure!

I've had several people say, "so I read your post, but how are you really --"
This is it guys - I'm transparent- it's how I really am doing-
     please pass the kleenex....
     :)

It has become so clear to me that until you no longer have the blessing of jumping out of bed feeling great, you have no idea what a gift you receive every day.  
Be thankful for what you have!  
Work hard to keep it!
Stay away from sugar's addiction! 
Eat more vegetable-preferably organic ones!
Exercise to stay strong!
Sleep well
De-stress!
Cultivate a thankful attitude!

We are so thankful for all of you!  
The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.  
A righteous man has many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all!
   Ps 34:18,19

Thanks for your prayers - they carry us!  Thanks for checkin' in!    

Lost Post

Many apologies for this - I had a LONG post to make up for the long  time between posts and when I previewed it - it vanished!   What follows is what I can reconstruct after spending 1/2 hour in vain, weeping and gnashing my teeth -- trying to retrieve the missing post. 

Roller coaster emotions and physical abilities/limitations
Keepin' on - eat, sleep, walk - normal domestic stuff
Tuesday required lots of hankies - just sad
Felt great Wed -Walked 3.75 miles Wed and slept like in a rock for 2.5 hours!  
Thus and Fri more in the middle - just normal enjoying a cousin's visit
Visited Huntington Gardens  and had great energy 
Napping has been less actual sleeping and more very deep rest but integral never-the-less.
Blessed by your friendship!

Pain is consistent - so thankful for meds that will keep it in line once they are balanced!

Had an appointment with my oncologist and she agreed to do my pain medicine.  Now rather than taking pills, I am on a pain patch.  Emotionally that is hard because in my head I think, "Oh crap - I really am sick -- only people that are really badly off have pain patches!" 
This is necessary tho as I can feel the cancer on the top of my liver when I laugh or cry and the pain around my hernia is more intense.   
Making the switch has not been seamless either - the breakthrough medicine does not work very well.  The tweaking process takes time and is wearing-including a 1/2 hour drive to the onco, $4 parking, walking across a huge complex.  (how do sick people do this?)  

Tuesday I was really sad - tears kept welling up for no real reason.  I had a perpetual lump in my throat.  Reading about "grieving well" in Fight back with Joy.  She wrote that some things from our past, if not grieved well, can manifest themselves as physical problems......It made me think a lot since I am a product of the "Do Not Show Your Emotions" type of family.    As tears welled up, I worked really hard not to just "stuff" the emotions -- to let them express the pain.  Not sure exactly what the pain was -

Perhaps I am grieving what might have been --

When we were newly married kids, we talked about how long we were likely to live ---
At that time - of our 8 grandparents 6 were alive and 3 of our 4 parents were in really good health.  Our life expectancy was to the mid 80's!  As life happened, now we have one parent left.... and suddenly the picture is different--even from 5 years ago, when the oncologist told me I had 10-20 years easily!      
And yet, as one of my friends said, "There are no stats for Christine Moritz!"
God can do anything!  Sarah was ancient - so was Abraham!  
"Is the Lord's arm too short?" from Numbers 11:23
I walk by faith, not by sight - 2 Cor 5:7
I love it when God shows off and does incredible things -- Praying that I am one of those amazing miracles!  

Perhaps I'm grieving that I always thought I'd be like Gretchen's mom as we hit the empty nest season - doing lots of outdoorsy things every weekend, hiking and biking and playing with the kids a lot....
As I expressed this to Gretchen, she laughed and said, "That's ok!  She's older than you - you've got time to work up to it!  :)"  Hahaha!  My daughter-in-love is such a blessing and makes me laugh so hard.  She sheds light, gives perspective and encourages self discipline!

For sure, I am grieving the loss of a young woman who inspired us all.  Tana Spencer- mom to 2 high school boys and wife to a dear,Godly man- was diagnosed with colon cancer about the same time I was.  This week, she went home to be with Jesus......words fail me -- tears flow tinged with fear...

Wed was like a switch got flipped!  I felt great!  High energy - a spring in my step - happy- felt capable and got lots done. I was so thankful to feel so good - you have no idea!  Maybe it was because I am nearing the end of my 3 week vaccine vacation - I don't know.  However, that night was different again -I was awake a lot perhaps because of the beautiful, full, harvest moon - or from walking 3.75 miles or maybe it was making the switch in medication and pain waking me up.  Either way, Thursday, I was not feeling so wonderful!  Thankful for my cousin visiting - what a gift that is!  Wish I were more lively - but that's ok!  It s great to just spend time together and talk [in between naps of course :)]


Todd decided that a day-off-stay-cation was in order so Sat we went to Huntington Gardens and I got a healing dose of gardens and green!!  It was so fun to go and feel good enough to stay for the whole day!  

Last night, as I was preparing for today, I got a little emotional.  It has been 3 weeks since I came home from Oasis of Hope!  That means that today I started the new protocols of nutraceuticals!  
Those were still packed away and as I dug them out, I was not sure what everything was and where it was.    Fortunately, my knight-in-shining-armor rescued me before I drowned in the sea of paper, bottles orders and receipts!   
Going this integrative route involves lots of TLC!  Fortunately, he got it all figured out in short order!  So thankful for him! He needs prayers too  - tho I really am trying to be a good patient!

A friend pointed out to me how unusual it is to have such a large, widespread support network praying for me and caring how I'm doing.  Believe me - I am very very aware of it!  It is hard for me to put into words how much y'all mean -- last week was a shot at it through that lovely quote from "Fight back with Joy."  Thank you seems so inadequate....If any of you have suggestions as to how to thank y'all - please let me know!  You have now idea how often I just sit and think about you!  I am so thankful for your loving care and concern - for the evidence of that in your "gently bossy" ways as well as the cards - the bible verses e-mailed and snail mailed- the surprises by my front door.  You have been so loving and caring for so long!  
Thank you is inadequate - but it's all I've got right now! 

So thankful for 
all the God sights this last week, 
the God appointments I got to be a part of,
beautiful weather 
hummingbirds and hawks by day and owls by night
moon
my pillow - and deep sleep when I get there!
you!

Thanks for checkin in!

60 to 0 not 0 to 60!

Doing well - zig zagging between good energy and falling asleep. 
Working at doing "normal" things
Cultivating a healthy mind
Blessed by friends - thankful for them! 

Life here is on a very slow pace!  Some mornings I go back to bed by 8:30 and sleep anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours.  Some days I sleep for 2-3 hours around noon.  Other afternoons I go  back for a second nap around 5 ish.  Bed time is 9-10 depending... 
My energy is pretty good--tho I crash really quickly when I get tired.  One friend teased me and said I go 0-60 in nothing flat --- We laughed hard because I said no-it's 60 to 0-sound asleep!!  Sometimes I sleep so hard that I do not move for 2/12 hours and wake up stiff and sore!  

As you may imagine, accomplishing things can be challenging when sleep is unpredictable.  
I'm enjoying conquering domestic basics in between naps.  It's interesting how much more joy I have with having to work harder to accomplish things.  Being thankful to be able to to them makes all the difference between drudgery and blessing!

While at Oasis of Hope, they talked about your mind being part of your healing arsenal.  They talked briefly about positive and negative mind sets and how these affect your healing.  To that end, I have been doing some reading and the accompanying homework to try and improve my mental state.  It seems only right when I am spending so much time on what I am eating!  The problem is that in order to change negative thinking, you have to be aware of it!  That is where I get stuck.  Sometimes I can recognize a negative mindset, but often the thoughts just float around.  Whether they are positive or negative, I try and catch them and make them obedient to Christ from 2 Cor 10:6.  That is the most helpful.  In the meantime, the homework usually guarantees a nap! 

Cards, messages, e-mails, visits and gifts continue to bless us.  It is amazing to me how many people from all over are in contact with me.  

To keep me humble, I have received several notes which are tinged with jealousy.  The writers are envious of you - my prayer warriors.  They unhappy with their life situations and that they do not have their own cheering section.  They compare their lot in life with mine which is always a dangerous thing to do.  All of us have different paths to walk. 
God knows what each of us needs.  
God picked me to walk this one.  
My response has been to cling to Him in a very public way and share it with y'all!   This is not something that everyone could/would want to do!  It takes time to write something that y'all want to read!  It takes a lot of time to find the right words to convey the feelings and the details. 3-4 hours is about how long it takes to write a post - which is why it's been quiet lately! 
I would prefer to not have this lot in life.  It's scary and painful, but God is good.  He loves me. If this is the path that He wants me on, then I do not want to be anywhere else! 
Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere  Ps 84:10 

Karen says it beautifully here.  

It always amazes me how God pours out encouragement to me.  
A friend sent me a book called "Fight back with Joy" by Margaret Feinberg.  I am including a short excerpt here because she does such a beautiful job explaining what y'all do for me/for us.  It is quoted out of order, for your ease of reading. 
  

"In the fights of life, people can be conduits of great joy and deep refreshment.  

Though I was tempted to withdraw an hide from everyone, surrounding myself with people who showed themselves safe and compassionate breathed joy into my dry bones.  They provided reasons to laugh.  They lifted me with their generosity.  Their acts of love distracted me from the darkness and re-oriented me toward hope.  The became incarnate reminders of God's fierce love.  

Friends are living, breathing gifts of joy."   

Another friend has taken my struggles with menus/ingredients/recipes/learning curve/lack of energy/Todd's time/sleep very much to heart and has blessed me amazingly!  She found a place that understands how to cook for people on special diets.  Be Well Kitchen and the owner, Jenny Ross, totally understand eating to starve cancer and how to eat raw.  My friend blessed me with over a month of meals from this lovely place!  I cannot believe the kindness and generosity!!!   What a blessing!  I am able to rest more (and so is Todd!!) and eat food that is good for me.  

Happy Friday everyone - My pillow is calling me!  We are so thankful for all of you!  Please re-read the italics above to grasp how much you do for us!  It may seem like little - but you mean so much! 
Thanks for checkin' in!   Zzzzzzz......

Continuing the Journey

Still sleeping a lot -(3 naps one day!) sometimes very groggy- other times ok! 
Emotions can wreak havoc!
Pain steady
Praying specifically that the cancer is being eradicated by the vaccine and other protocols from Oasis of Hope.
Being really careful to not push too hard even when I feel good.  OLu football games are not in my future for a while :( but it is for the best  
Felt good enough to clean my own house this week (it helped that it had been cleaned for me last week!!!) Blessed and thankful to feel good!
Continuing to wrestle with how best to spend my time since I cannot do everything I had been doing...

Had a high energy day today-first one in well over a month!   Felt good enough to put on a cute outfit and walk with pep in my step!  Had a busy morning and a visit from a friend, then a LONG afternoon nap :)  

Wed I met with my primary care doc about pain medicine.  In the course of conversation, we were talking about whether I would be going back to my oncologist- that the onco would be more skilled with pain management and could order the PET scans more easily for follow up.  In the course of the conversation, my primary made the random statement that I would live longer if I had done the chemo, because chemo does work.  
When she said that, I was pretty much in shock.  We had talked about chemo or alternative before I had decided to go integrative.  She had not ever said I would live longer....or if she did, I did not hear it! (proof that you should take someone else with you to appointment!) 
Sadly, I really did a tailspin -- barely held it together to make it to the parking lot and then cried really hard - angry tears -- "why am I even having to think about this?" sad tears -- "have I short cut my probably already shortened life span? "   and tears of frustration  and sadness.  
How can one little sentence have so much power?  

Fortunately, I was meeting a friend to walk and she was a great listener.  The walk helped de-stress and her patient listening helped so much.    By the time Todd came home, he was able to calmly point out that perhaps that was right, but perhaps it was not-that you can find source for any stat.  He quoted our friend that had said, " there are no statistics for Christine Moritz"  He helped me to re-orient that this was the decision that we had made for now- we were doing the best we could at this point-and we could always change later....

As time separates me from this, I continue to be aware of the power of words - of beliefs. 
I have spent some time trying to analyze my thought patterns - checking for negativity and truthfulness.... That is an uphill battle for sure!  More on that one I am sure!  

I believe that God orchestrates things to encourage us and give us hope.  
As I was struggling with conquering my thoughts and being positive (all while sleeping/napping lots)  A friend messaged me that they wanted to bless me with meals for two weeks from a local chef who runs an organic kitchen! WOW!   What a helpful loving idea!  So thankful for people thinking for me!   I had no idea this was available!!  We are so blessed!  

Along the lines of encouragement, since I have been converting to organic, I have spent time at the Sprouts on Savi Ranch hunting for  items I had never heard of 3 months ago!  Usually I would just ask rather than waste a lot of time (who has the energy for that?)  Usually the same guy helped me.  After this happened several times, I asked his name. Matt is so helpful - offering suggestions for substitutions in recipes if I could not find exactly what I needed.    Sometimes in looking for things, he would say that even tho it did not have the organic label, the non-gmo product would be a very good substitute.  Today after pressing for organic for like the fifth time, I said to him something to the effect of, "Just so you know, I'm not trying to be difficult about things being organic.  I must have organic as I am a stage IV colon cancer patient and I really am fighting for my life.  My doctors say that other than giving up sugar, going organic is one of the most effective protocols there is, so I really appreciate your help so much!"  
I spoke pretty matter of factly and did not really dwell on it - rather continued with my question regarding which spices would give the mexican flavor the best.  I told him I was just back from Oasis of Hope in Mexico and was trying to replicate some of their food.  
Well, as often happens, he was really surprised - kinda' goggled at me and said, "wow - I just want to give you a hug - I'm so sorry!"  
I dodged the hug because it would make me cry-  
(being nice to me is disastrous when  I'm trying not to cry!)  
and we finished up with that round of questions.  
About 2 min later, he comes back down the aisle with a big bunch of flowers and said," I want you to have these.  With my family background, my wife's family's background - You have really touched my heart." and he gave me a big hug - which of course made me bawl like a baby - hiccupping and all!   He left, lest he also begin to cry.  As I tried to pull it together and stop crying, another one of their employees, a lady who had overheard some of our conversation,  went and got me tissues cause I really needed them!  I was so thankful for her help as well as for Matt's kindness.  
He was happy to be using his culinary degree to help me out with ideas and suggestions - having no clue that he had several times been a huge blessing to me! I had no idea that my story would hit him so hard.....

Thankful for:
Matt at Sprouts
naps
integrative therapies
hope
cooler weather
family
energy
friends
God's orchestrating encouragement
scripture to help me regain calm
gazpacho and chilie 
all of you carrying us when we cannot help ourselves!  
      Have a relaxing labor day weekend!  Thanks for checkin' in!