Mending slowly...

Status Quo - not much better, not much worse!  Its a slow process!  I'm not good at sitting and healing! Guess I am supposed to learn patience!

Sometimes it is really hard to keep a positive attitude about all this!  
First I tried to figure out what was causing the diarrhea and eliminated 1/2 my supplements to try and find an answer--while we were traveling and I was trying to have fun! --to no avail!  
Now, The questions continue.  Is the pain from the stent placement  or from my kidney not functioning, or from the hernia, or from the hernia brace, or could it even be cramping from the imodium working (or not working)?? 
Hard to know and discouraging to try and figure out!  For me, I am going on 1 full month of diarrhea.  This is physically exhausting (losing so many electrolytes--coconut water is my best friend!) but it is also emotionally exhausting because sometimes it wakes me up multiple times a night!  
Sitting in the dark, miserable, cold, exhausted, smelling foul and cramping viciously makes me doubt.  
It makes me doubt that any of the protocols are effective.
  after all, one of them is sleep 8 hours and I keep getting up --- 
  and we eliminated so many supplements because of the diarrhea and gas.... 
It makes me doubt that I have gotten any better than I was 6 months ago 
   when the tumor was causing such pain.  
It makes me doubt that I will conquer this disease.
It makes me doubt that I am healing my body. 
It makes me doubt my decision to not do chemo.
It makes me doubt my decision to go alternative/integrative. 
It makes me doubt that life will ever be normal again.   
It makes me doubt that God is aware of my issues and that that he cares about them.
  He has so many other things to think about, right?
It makes me doubt that His plan is best and that He will bring good from this.... 

The middle of the night is a favorite time for the enemy to attack!  When you are short on sleep, long on pain, medication and frustration, it is difficult to marshal your wits, let alone any logical defenses!  

As He so often does, God provided an answer for me.  Some may say this is pure coincidence -- I do not believe in coincidences!  I do believe it was His answer for me, 
   a discouraged child of His!  

Because of my pain medication, both OTC and prescription, imodium and two prescriptions that I came home with after the procedure, I began keeping a log on my phone as to times and doses so I always have it with me and can check it anytime.  In the dark, I would record all this information.  In boredom, I went through my other notes deleting the irrelevant ones and I stumbled upon a note that I had created during bible study a year or so ago.  We were trying to memorize scripture verses each week and I had begun putting them in on my phone so I could practice them while waiting anywhere.  (It is much more socially acceptable to read your phone than to read your Bible while waiting to check out at the store - lol)
After our class was finished, I had added more verses depending on the topics that were making me fret (worry and fear - no surprise there!)  so suddenly I had a defense against the "doubts attacks."  Reading the verses not only comforted me, it provided light (literally) in a dark place and helped me focus and not fret!   What a difference that file has made - multiple times a night!    I know - I had my bible on my phone all the time.  Did I think to open it? Nope!  
At just the right time, when I needed them most, I stumbled across my digital memory verse cards...I had no clue when we started that list how it would strengthen me later!  "The time to build a shelter is before the storm!"  
    
So thankful that God provides for me!   I love seeing all the details he works out!  
Thankful that after over a month of no feeders, the hummingbirds were back within hours!
Thankful that not content with just providing for me, God also gives me lovely gifts to make
  me smile!  
One thing I have missed here in CA a lot is robins.  I love how they play and 
  chatter and how beautiful they are.   Since I have been home, at least 4 robins have been 
  playing in my fountain and chasing each other every day!  One of my neighbors, a native
  and an avid bird watcher, said she had not seen any before!   What a joy to sit and watch 
  them bathe and preen and remember that if God cares for them, surely He cares for me 
  also!  
In the lovely gifts category - 
Some kind person blessed me with a beautiful orchid by my door!! 
Another made me killer organic chicken soup!
And
When our grand daughter was given a kitchen set by a friend, she picked up the phone and said "Hi Omi!"  It melted my heart when her sweet mom told me that!!

So in view of all these blessings - I am great!  A little sore and crabby - but blessed and thankful!  Watch how He showers you with blessings in the same way!

God wants us walking thru life holding on to Him, not off cruising on our own....I just need to learn to hang on tighter to Him!  

So thankful for you!  Thanks for checkin' in!