It's not fair!

Weight and energy holding!
Traveled, visited with friends and celebrated a wedding!
Continuing practicing protocols and tweaking them for traveling
Oasis of Hope interview complete - praying for wisdom
Getting referral for hernia
Doing test to see how much heavy metal I have in my body
If you did not get your bracelet, or you would like a bracelet please message me!

I did not have a peaceful feeling about Oasis of Hope.  They cancelled one phone call and were almost 2 hours late when we finally did connect.  They will require me to do a PET scan as a baseline to see if what they do works.  Not a fan of the PET scan because of the sugar solution used to light up the screen.  (Sugar feeds cancer) The big upside about them is that they will due multiple avenues of attack including but not limited to laetril, IV Vit C, and K and hypothermia.  The broad spectrum of attack has great appeal.  The price tag and the 3 week time commitment does not have great appeal.  Praying for wisdom!  

Was blessed to visit St Louis briefly and see a few friends and celebrate a wedding!  (Was really touched that the mother of the groom wore my bracelet even with her beautiful, formal dress! That was so sweet! ) The excursion did not wear me out too badly, though I could tell I had done more than usual!  Recovering was fun in the company of an out of town friend :) -- again it was not too taxing for me and it was great girlfriend time!

When you spend time with old friends that have seen you through a lot, sometimes they see things that you cannot see.  One friend gently and kindly poked and prodded a bit about why I was grumpy.  The teary result of that conversation was the realization that I was sad -- and had been so busy with research and protocols that I had not really grieved the huge change in my life.....
Yes I had cried -- 3 times to be exact!  I had numbed the pain by being busy.  There is always more stuff to research (thanks for all the suggestions you send me!) Streamlining the long list of protocols that I do is an ongoing quest.  It is much more comfortable to be busy than to feel the pain of loss....

She lovingly pointed out that we all need to grieve changes in our lives -- even good changes!  
A new job is great and exciting, but sometimes there are things from the old job that you will miss.  Same with a move -  starting a new school year - getting married or divorced- switching from working days to working nights - having your child get married, divorced, move or get sick --getting a stage IV cancer diagnosis.   

I never thought about it -- My mode of coping is "Put your head down and work hard.  Do everything the doctors tell you as well as you can.  Don't spend a lot of time on what was, because there's no point in dwelling there. You can't change it anyway!"  
The walk down memory lane in St Louis was a perfect set up for this!
The flaw with this attitude is that I did not really grieve the enormity of this all.  I was too busy figuring out what to do!  My grumpy attitude was the Spirit nudging me saying - 
"You have unfinished business here--part of your discontent, anger and frustration over your diet has to do with your sadness....This is part of your healing..."
"Who, me????"   
"Yes my child - you - Queen of the "feel no pain by staying busy" approach to coping"
"But it hurts to think about"
"Yes - but I have sent you friends to help you in your pain"  
"Thank you-------But God it's not fair!  How come I have stage IV cancer and other people who've abused their bodies in every imaginable way are just fine??? It's not fair!!!"
"Perhaps - it is not your place to judge"
"We've worked so hard to get this far!  We've been responsible - paid our bills - saved for retirement --- and all for what?  Not to be together?  How is that fair God?"  
{Praying I do not get struck by lightening writing this}
"It sucks to think about not being together - about not getting to go see our kids and grandkids! and what about Todd going it alone? God-- are you listening????  I'm screaming at you!  It's just not fair!"
"What do you know about heaven or ...... earth? "(Job 38:33)
"Nothing - but why should I have to give up my coffee, steak, hamburgers, wine, moritz muffins, home made bread, oatmeal cookies, and peanut butter cookies - when other people can be overweight, not exercise, eat and drink lots of whatever they want and they are just fine?  Why God?  Why me?  They can just eat anything -- not me - no! I have to bring along my stupid little lunch box.....God?"

"If I want them to eat whatever they want until I return, what is that to you?  " (John 21:22)"and besides that I gave you a very cute lunch box!  It matches your outfit -- Don't you like it?"
"Yes I like it, but I don't like having to use it!!! It's hard!  It takes so much planning just to go to diner!  Look up the restaurant - check out the menu - fix a meal to take along ----
And flying is a real chore - there is nothing healthy at an airport! Yes I'm whining - but God it's just not fair -- I haven't drunk soda for like 30 years - and I ate really pretty well - maybe too many sweets and too much wine, but I stayed in fairly decent shape and by comparison to others, I was not that bad!! What's up with this?  
This is not what I expected to be doing at just 55 years old!  I loved my life the way it was - getting to travel with my husband - work in the book section at the thrift store -mentor young women - bible study - Mom's Life -  God appointments with whomever you put in my path -- nothing is the same anymore!  I am not happy about this God!!! It's just not fair!!!
"I understand..."
"I wanted to be able to still volunteer with Todd  - for the kingdom! Why are you changing it on me??"
"It is not your place to judge! Don't you know that I love you and am working for your good.  Don't miss the blessings I send you because you judge them to be curses!  Don't miss the beauty in your situation- the ways I have provided for you!  If you would look at all the blessings instead of whining, you would feel better!"
"I don't wanna!  If you loved me - I'd be able to do all I wanted to!  How come others get to do all their fun things  and eat great food drink whatever they want and I can't? "
"Perhaps the pace of your life was not the way I designed you to live.  Perhaps I know you will live more happily/effectively this way.  Perhaps you will spend more time with me - I miss our time together! "

Tears are actually healing. They release toxins.  Hoping I am less toxic now.

Romans 8:28  says "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose."   I need to "Be still and know that He is God!"  from Ps 46:10

Thankful for friends that speak truth into my life.  Thankful for you!

Thanks for checkin in!