Thankful for clarity

I got a mini miracle last week as all the doctor’s weighed in.  They all agreed that I should do chemo!  I am so thankful for their consensus (very surprised also) because it makes the decision much easier.  It does make me sad though…..

Oasis of Hope did say that the tumor was in my liver not on it, and because of that we need to move swiftly (which they all said) to try and get this beast under control.

If I lose my liver function, then I have a huge problem with no solution.  The goal is to shrink the tumors sufficiently that my liver can function with less stress. 

My Oasis of Hope doctor also talked about xeloda resistance – that my body had become resistant to the effect of the xeloda, which he thought was why the cancer seemed to explode.  Had not heard of that before.

They also want me to continue with all the protocols that I can, while I am on the chemo…should be interesting to see what I can tolerate…..

Supposedly the chemo, folfiri with avastin, is easily tolerated and they hope that I’ll be able to sustain my protocols and beat this beast back into submission.    

What a mix of emotions!  So very thankful and grateful that there is concensus on the part of my docs….

I’m very, very sad to even be thinking about doing chemo.  It is contrary to what makes sense to me – wipe out your immune system to try and kill the cancer……I just dread doing this – can’t help but remember how hard it was to walk in to get the treatment knowing I would feel so horrid in a few hours….There is no other choice tho!  Trusting God to give me the strength when those steps are needed.  

Now we wait for the insurance company to ok my treatment and then get a port placed. 

I am sad at the thought of this---last time I had a port placed it was to win – to kill the beast and be clean for 30 years (what my last oncologist told me!)  This time it will be to stay alive….I pray that this succeeds!!!

The thought of having to get my port flushed each week that I am not being infused is so  frustrating- more appointments that cut into living life!

So need the thankfulness list!  That:

God made the doorway clear, that we are to walk through

My pain medicine is working well.  

   Had no idea how much the pain was affecting me until this alleviated it!  

Better sleep due to pain alleviation!

There is a plan B for integrative therapy not working – even if I don’t like it. 

Rain – nice, soft, on-and-off-all-day-long-rain.

Friends and family who pray, pray, pray. 

People who do not even know me, like the students at the high school, and friends of friends, or friends of our family praying for me.

That I have been relatively collected  and not completely hysterical about this.

Feeling good enough to attend a senior recital, our church’s gala, make a hospital visit and spend time with friends around all the naps. 

That I have some strength still – I do not look sick, or walk like I am sick,  

    which is solely attributable to all your prayers! 

For the scripture verses y’all send me!

For each chance I get to tell Todd and the kids that I love them…

Hearing a friend who is struggling with depression laugh!! Made my whole week!

As I conclude this post, I have to close with scripture – which along with being thankful, is what keeps us going.

Ps 100

Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.

  Worship the Lord with gladness;

  Come before him with joyful songs

Know that the Lord is God

  It is he who made us and we are his;

  We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

Enter his gates with thanksgiving

  And his courts with praise;

  Give thanks to him and praise his name

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;

  His faithfulness continues through all generations. 

         Am I thankful for this set back? Not really – though I am thankful that we have seen good come out of this.  Does that change God’s goodness?  Not a bit!  I just need to grow and mature more so that I can be thankful for the trials.  In the meantime, never lose sight of His goodness! 

Eph 3:20-21

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen!

Zech 4:6 kept coming to me last week 

     Not by might,

     nor by power,

     but by my spirit says the Lord Almighty!

And this totally proved true – all my huffing, crying and ranting got me nothing, but God’s sprirt brought consensus between 3 doctors with widely divergent attitudes. 

My prayer is that as I start this new chapter in the fight to contain the beast, that God will fight for me – as he has told me so often  --

Deut 1:30  The Lord your God who goes before your will himself fight for you,

     just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes.

Deut 3:22  You shall not fear them (the cancer cells), for it is the Lord your God who fights for you.

Thanks for walkin’ with us– if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to leave me a note- I am so willing to answer anything so others are helped!  Thanks for checkin’ in!