Weight is up

Spirits are up

Energy is up

I am so incredibly thankful because it is such a difference from Monday!

Side effects are there, but manageable.

So thankful to be able to say that I have seen both ends of the health spectrum in the last week! 

Tuesday was my checkup to see how I tolerated chemo for the first round.  The docs observed that it had been brutal for me, so they made some changes immediately, and some for the next round. 

Immediately:

I was sent for IV hydration because I had dropped to 101 lbs from 111.

My extended release pain meds were doubled because the pain was too great.

The nausea medicine orders were changed from as needed to 24/7.

These changes had huge impact right away, for example, I was hungry as soon as they started the IV hydration with nausea medicine!  

For the next round:

The drug that causes the nausea is being reduced by 20% to tolerate it better

I’ll be on the anti nausea long before the pump is disconnected

They authorized home health care to come and do IV hydration for me at home. 

(this saves a driver, ½ hour drive each way and exposure to the germs there!)

Was blessed to get 3 infusions this week and the results of all these changes are miraculous! Today, I can:

Tip the scales at 113!

Eat 3 meals and several snacks per day

Move without it hurting at every turn

Walk with energy

Smell food and want some, not the puke bucket!

Eat more that ½ a teaspoon of food at a time, spaced 15 minutes apart because of nausea

Swallow water without it tasting horrid

Take only 1 short nap rather than 3 long ones!

Sleep fairly comfortably

Be filled with Joy at feeling good, rather than Fear wondering how long I can exist

When times are good, be happy!!!  Ecclesiastes 7:14 

So as not to be Pollyanna, there are side effects that are annoying:

fingers and toes getting numb-just starting at the very tips now

water and food having a metallic taste

some disorientation – not really dizzy, but not really “on” –

    but this comes and goes thank you God!

exhaustion

    

This is all part of the battle though.  I am so thankful that God has blessed me with feeling better! 

When I was so very ill last week and early this week, it was hard to fight the fear.  Obviously, you fight better when you are stronger!  A friend has been helping me to shift my mental paradigm and come up with ways to fight this beast mentally. 

One thing that helped me to fight the fear was this vivid image that I have from last Thursday’s chapel at OLu. 

As the students encircled us, after we were finished praying, I stood slowly turning in a circle and making eye contact with them.  The Spirit was so evident at that moment.  I have in my mind’s eye the vision of their faces, with their eyes being so brilliant – many, many shades of eye color – all lit up – some drowning in tears – others reflecting love or pain – some just soaking in the moment.  It was one of the most beautiful visions I have ever seen --- So many Godly, beautiful, loving faces, all with eyes glowing with the Spirit.   I so wish that I had the talent to paint or draw and capture this moment. 

Hold this thought. 

From prior experiences with chemotherapy, I had said that the hardest part of any treatment was walking in the door, knowing that I’m going to be so sick so quickly….

Back to my vision –

My friend has helped me to weave together a vision of all these beautiful eyes watching over me as I walk in…Loving, prayerful eyes, full of the spirit guarding me as I walk in.  I have been “practicing” this at home so I hope it will come naturally on Tuesday!

I rest in the knowledge that He will help me - Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit says the Lord Almighty! Zech 4:6

So thankful for feeling good and for all the other good things I mentioned in here! 

Thankful especially for y'all praying for us!  You are each one a blessing!  Thanks for checkin' in! 

Chemo is kicking my butt ...

Todd is being my scribe here as I lie on the couch.

Since my last post Friday, I went to a friends house for two hours ... and slept.  Lots of pain, horrible diarrhea, quite nauseous and lots of body aches.  Between Friday, Saturday and Sunday early afternoon I have eaten very little - maybe 1,000 calories.

One never knows what Chemo will look like.  Sometimes OK ... sometimes horrible.  I heard of one lady running marathons while doing Chemo.  I would settle for a lap around the house.  Todd took me outside three times.  Once to a friends home (more later) and twice to the edge of our property and back.  Woo hoo.

Tuesday when I received the infusion, the docs had me on a lot of drugs to keep me comfortable.  I slept through most of it.  Wednesday way OK.  The pump was working away dripping drugs into me.  I was fatigued, but able to have a few conversations with folks and eat a bit.  Thursday was a God thing ... I had as much energy in the morning as could be expected.  A friend picked me up and took me to Orange Lutheran (the high school where Todd serves).  It was an amazing experience ... God showed off big time.

I was interviewed as a part of their daily Chapel. Between the students and faculty, about 1,400 attend.  Nervous?  Heck yeah!   I answered some pretty candid questions about my cancer and how I am doing.  I really feel like God used my words to help connect to kids.    After the interview, they brought Todd and me to the center and invited anyone to come forward and pray over us.  Hundreds of students came down.  I was blown away.  The Spirit was quite present.

A student then prayed for us ... then a song (I am a child of God) and then another prayer.  It was overwhelming to say the least.  Here is a link to the whole service.  It is 25 minutes.  If you don't have time to watch the whole video, here is a one minute audio clip of the ending student prayer.  Thank you Jesus for this experience and I pray that it is a blessing to students.

After the chapel service, my friend took me to the oncologist to have my pump taken out and then back home.  I went to bed right away and literally have been sleeping or lying on the couch (with the exception of a couple of hours).  There are lots of adjectives to describe this ... but I will let #CancerSucks suffice.

So how am I doing?
Beaten down, discouraged, nothing tastes good, nothing smells good, on the verge of tears.  My Oncologist says "Chemo for life".  I have no idea how that is possible.  I am shocked as to how weak I am ... discouraged I have lost six or seven pounds this week.  I am really kind of bummed and just don't feel well.

So am I thankful?  Of course.  I am thankful for the drugs that may give me longer life.  Thankful for soft pillows, friends that drive me around, a husband that will make two tablespoons of food and not get frustrated when I don't eat it...  Thankful for the opportunity to share my faith with thousands.  And of course, thankful for you and the many prayers that are offered.

I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phil 4:13 (I just don't know how!)

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. Matt 28:20b

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:1-2

Thanks for checking in.
Christine.

Feeling Yucky - Blessed by Chapel

Began chemo Tuesday – On pump until yesterday

Felt fine til Wed evening (really fine!) and then it hit

   Nausea, cramping, exhaustion, flue like muscle aches,

Spoke at chapel yesterday at OLu –

   That was an experience like I have never ever had before!

    The outpouring of love from the kids was amazing! More on that later

Hard time sleeping –

Nothing sounds good to eat – drink

Nothing even smells good – makes me just want to leave the kitchen!

Struggling with digesting

Had 3 huge clumps of hair in the sink when I combed it!

   That’s not even supposed to happen with this chemo! 

Just in general feeling yucky –

Very tired – will write more later, just wanted to let y’all know I am surviving!

Thankful for:  our OLu family

Friends checking on me and Todd

Beautiful roses blooming

God’s word that sustains me

Linen hankies that do not peel my skin when I cry

Anti nausea meds if I need them…

That the tape from the port placement did not tear my skin like it had before

This is the day the Lord has made – I will rejoice and be glad in it –

    And some days it is harder to do than others than others!  But it is still His day! 

Thanks for checkin in –

A new chapter begins

Port placement was today

Chemo starts tomorrow – if bloodwork is completed

Todd will be w/ me Monday and Tuesday so I don’t need care yet – going to try and guage how needy, high maintenance I am J Based on today I just need a pillow!  Though I struggled to get the medicine container open – opposing force – tough!

Well – I am writing Monday evening and certainly forgot how much this sucker hurts!  Here are two pictures – the second is with the port in place and the needle still accessed so they do not have to re-stick me tomorrow –  sorry too tired to make this look beautiful  -- you get the idea!  I am thankful for all of you and wanted you to know I am ok!  Praises!

For those who do not know – a port is a tube that they run through a vein behind the collar bone and down into the heart.  This way the caustic nature of the chemo does not burn the veins when I have a treatment.  During the treatment today, I was awake – though groggy and I could feel them pressing the tube into place.  The top bandage is the one covering it going behind the collar bone – the center bandage – center window shows the port – all the tubing is for access tomorrow. 

I thought I was ok, but I laid down after lunch and fell asleep for 4 hours – slept right through my breakthrough medicine time- ugh!  It feels as though a very large man punched me full strength in the R shoulder where the port is.  I am sore!  So thankful for my pain killers!

Other things to be thankful for – I had a nurse who serves on the praise team for one of our local churches – who recognized me – at least by face and took very sweet care of me! 

That I could sleep

That they left the needle in (one less poke)

That is is almost bedtime so I can go back to sleep!

When I was being admitted, they give you a gown and warm blanket and ask all kinds of questions – so hard to focus and not be sad that I am doing this all again –

Kept saying “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” –

And I’ll continue to say it as the tape is way too tight – can’t straighten my neck upright- it’s taped forward a bit. 

Several verses that keep me going so I would not cry during this difficult time –

Thanks for praying for me!

John 11:40 Then Jesus said,

“did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?”

I am praying that I see his glory through him letting me stay here….

Ps 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever!

Thanks for checkin’ in!  Y’all are a blessing – carrying us through this tough time!

More reality

Insurance approved the placement of my port.  Monday at 9:30 I check in. 

    Will be done outpatient under a local anesthesia – can hardly wait – (not!)

Should hear shortly about the chemo authorization. 

   The infusion nurse said that some patients start their chemo the day that they

   get their port placed… not sure how I feel about that. 

Because of my increased activity this week, have had to take extra break thru medicine,

   which makes me sad because it indicates that I’m not doing as well. 

Had an appointment that went well!  My dentist said that my mouth is very clean

  and healthy!  He  was surprised with everything over the last year that it was so

  good!  Do you know how exciting it is to have a good appointment???

So how am I doing? crabby and grumpy

Hard day --Today was another slap in the face of reality.  Until I had an appointment to place the port, I was able to pretend that life was normal, and because I have felt good, there are lots of activities that I‘ve done (well, lots based on my new normal – not lots based on the Christine of prior times.)  Several days this week, I got to the end of the day exhausted but happy because I got to serve at the thrift shop, putter in the yard, visit with a friend or accomplish some domestic task – or all of the above! 

Having the appointment set, all of a sudden brings it home that this is, in fact, happening!  It brought home the reality that my “feeling good-freedom” is gonna end soon; that all of a sudden a schedule is going to intrude itself onto my calendar interfering with vacation plans, plans to see kids, plans to see friends….

And there is always the uncertainty of how I will physically handle the drugs.  The oncologist says I will do well – that it is more easily tolerated than many other chemotherapies….The skeptic in me is not quite as optimistic…. I shed some tears again today, mad at the intrusion of this beast onto our lives….

Pretty low today, which requires a review of the many things to be thankful for in order for me to keep perspective:

- going to work at the thrift shop and get encouragement and inspiration from the

  many people who serve there, despite struggling with their own ailments. 

- being able to contribute, serve and think of other things than me

- conversations I have with people–mostly about faith–how to hang on to God

- a great dentist appointment

- breakthru drugs for when I hurt

- friends who loan me or give me clothes when I am sick of my own

   (haven’t shopped in over a year!)

- technology that keeps me connected with my across-the-US friends

- my hands and feet getting a chance to heal from the xeloda

- dear friends offering to help in any way

- feeling good enough to attend end of year activities at school with Todd

- seeing miracles in the lives of friends

- God’s word – especially on U Version that will play scripture all night if that is

  how long I'm awake! Listened from Romans through Colossians one night before I

   finally fell all the way asleep! LOL

- hummingbirds

- prayers with friends

- Verses that jump out at me like:

Jer 33:3 Call to me Christine and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know- like how to order your calendar!

Matt 19:26 With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible!!!

Ps 50:15  Call upon me in the day of trouble. 

     I will deliver you and you will honor me!  (Yes I will!)

Matt 11:28 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened

    and I will give you rest.

Gen 15:1 Do not be afraid Christine –

    I am your shield and your very great reward!!

Ps 34:7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him

    And he delivers them…

Thanks for checkin’ in – You are the best medicine! 

On another note, based on some of the notes we have received, I can tell that people who have not seen me recently, think that I am very weak, wasting away and ready for the angels excort to heaven.   That could not be farther from the truth!  What makes this so hard for people to “get” is that I look “normal.”  My infusion tech put it well –“ your aura is of a healthy person.”  I walk fairly briskly and since I am on the better pain management program, I am relatively perky-of course that is just til nap time – lol!  It just goes to show – don’t judge a book by it’s cover!!  Just because you look fine, does not mean you can skip your screenings!  Go – do not wait!  You are better off to find out what is going on than pretending everything is just fine!!