Distracted!

It is pretty bad when you write and then forget to publish!  Here is the post from last week!  
Side effects are still holding on - 
My hair keeps falling out, which is frustrating--and the texture of it is kinda fine and fuzzy - not like normal healthy hair.  My fingers and toes are still tingly, though less of my fingers is affected - from about half way between the first and second knuckle to the tip. (used to be the whole finger)  My find motor skills are still not very good - things like necklace clasps and typing are hard.  I broke 3 bracelets and cannot wait to restring them !!  
I think my eyesight is a bit better, but I don't go to the eye doc for another 2 weeks.  Hoping by then that they will be back to normal--whatever that is.  
My energy is very up and down.  Those of you who know me well, know that I push pretty hard.  That works sometimes, except that sometimes I can push hard for a long time and then crash - and other times, I push hard and crash right away.  Weird!
My digestion is pretty normal - I eat pretty much anything again- craving sweets which is not good!  I am not exercising in proportion to my eating tho-and I am seeing a difference :(  Guess I need the doc to be on me about it!!  
oh ya - my eyebrows are starting to grow back!


Emotionally, I am in an odd place --feeling better, but not all the way back.  It seems surreal that I have had cancer and am healing from that.  It's like a bad dream.
 I am well enough to seem normal.  (no rude comments here!)
 I am well enough to be bugged by all the un-done things. 
 I am well enough to start projects, but seem to crash before I get them done. 
 I am also well enough to want to "play" instead of working.  
When I do this, a vicious cycle starts of guilt and being overwhelmed, which isn't healthy, but is how I've been forever!  
You have and will send e-mails telling me to not worry about it - to just let it go - to ask for help etc. 
Intellectually, I know all that.  It doesn't make the "overwhelmed" feeling go away tho.  


Part of this emotional state is, I think, related to not focusing as much on God.  When you are feeling so lousy you that you cannot think, and all you can do is read scripture verses and listen to praise music, you really focus on God. It's the only way to get through a day.  
Now, my brain is occupied instead, with all the things that have to get done -- I have a to do list for the house, for the yard, for computer things, people to call, thank you notes to write --  you get the drift!  
When I am not working on a list, the old training kicks in that I SHOULD be working on something  - should be accomplishing something worthwhile.  Then when I ignore that and play, the GUILT hits forcefully.  It is a sick, vicious cycle because I will never be done with the to dos!  
It is so hard to allow myself to rest.  Yesterday for the first time this year, I sat out in my garden.  I have a friend who does this every day!  I had to fight the urge to pick a few weeds and deadhead my climbing rose!  I never sit in my garden.  I water and weed and putter, yes - sit and enjoy it? why I should be DOING something!  


To combat this, I got a new devo called 40 Days with Jesus, by Sarah Young.  It is similar to Jesus calling, but written with the purpose of renewal.  And of course, to combat anything - be thankful!!!


I am thankful for 
silly weather that is 60 one day and 85 the next 
baby finches in my clematis vine
Chance enjoying his walks tho he cannot go 3 miles in the heat
going to the 73rd class reunion of the class of 1938-some of the first people we met here- and each one so sweet!  
bible study running through the Summer
rabbits that eat my flowers -(God says be thankful in adversity - I am trying, but not terribly successful with this one!)
baby robins
a pretty garden to sit in
Lake Country Girls Soccer going to State
a talented God daughter who will make cake pops for me even with very short notice!!
dear friends and family

Today I am dwelling on Ps 130:5  I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.
and 
Ps 46:10 Be still and know that I am God.....
   Here "be still" means to cease striving, to let go, to let your hands down....


I'll let you know how that works for me :)
Thanks for checking in!