Take time for the important things!

Weathered this chemo well 
Weight holding fairly well
Tues, Wed and 1/2 of Thursday had good energy to enjoy company and some retail therapy
Napped a lot on Friday and Saturday
Rested a bit today --
Just feeling droopy with no pep, but that's normal
Nausea is relatively under control thanks to medicine
Trouble drinking water- just does not taste good - really have to be disciplined!
Blessed by wonderful oncology nurses and a palliative care nurse
Tough conversations happen, and bring tears, but better to have the conversations than not!
Continuing to enjoy puttering outside and watching the birds -- had orioles 2 days ago!

So thankful to have some energy to enjoy life!

I got the word last Tues that after my next chemo, they would do a PET scan again and see if chemo is working....Praying for positive results 'cause there are no other options except hospice! 

In conversation with a dear friend who has faithfully kept up with my blog, we discovered that they were under the impression that I had only 2-3 tumors and that was it.  I wanted to clarify this, because there may be others who are thinking the same thing. 

As of my PET on April 27, there are many tumors throughout my body including but not limited to:

a new anterosuperior mediastinal node

a node along the right side of the ascending aorta

a nodule along the inferior right heart border

  multiple other nodules in the area (this area includes esophagus, heart, trachea, thymus)

perihepatic peritoneal disease worsening (liver and abdominal lining around it)

multiple, new (since December) hepatic metastases in the liver, one of which is 9.2 cm x 7.8cm

multiple new retroperitoneal lymph nodes

SO - bottom line - tumors are everywhere.

That is why I began the IV chemo - there were no other options... 

This simply highlites what a miracle I am, to be able to walk and visit and enjoy life!! God has indeed heard our prayers in that regard!!! We are blessed - trying not to be fearful of what comes next!  

Our prayer is that my next PET will show regression in these tumors, or at least no progression. 

https://youtu.be/XxkNj5hcy5E   I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God....

As I got ready to post this last night we got a phone call saying that our friend's husband had suddenly died of a heart attack.  They both are younger than we are....The shock is indescribable -- Thankfully, he's a man of deep faith, a Godly father and role model, so we can rejoice in the hope of heaven -- but let's not kid ourselves- 
the loss is huge, 
   life altering and 
      devastating for their family...


Life is short and precious -- be sure to hug those you love an extra time or two and tell them that you love them.  Take time from the unimportant things that we all get caught up doing and spend that time with those most precious to you.  You do not know when you will not ever have that opportunity again.  Make time for the important things -- 

There is an old saying, " show me your calendar and your checkbook and I'll know what is important to you."  You can be sure that no on their death bed ever wished they had worked more hours...

You get the drift.... 

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest (Matt 11:28) Be still and know that I am God (Ps 46:10) and those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint...(Is 40:31)

And on that day when my strength is failing
the end draws near and my time has come 
still my should will sing Your praise unending
10,000 years and then forever more.....
I'll worship your holy name.... (10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman)

You are such a blessing! Thank you for the prayers which sustain us!  Thanks for checkin' in!  

Summer is flying' by!!

Summer is flyin' by!  Thankful for the strength to enjoy trips and guests!
Sutures stay in another month
Weight is holding
Eating everything-lots of everything - praying I'm not gaining weight because I am walking, not the cancer
Walking a lot - yay!
Good energy
Hair continues to thin (burnt my scalp)
Eyebrows and eyelashes thinning also
Don't need to shave much - hahahaha!
Becoming more aware of when I get stressed and trying to control it in positive ways(not very successfully!)
Had my usual pre-chemo blood draw on Friday - I hope I pass :)
Chemo Tuesday
Enjoying puttering in the garden
I feel alive and healthy (oh that it were so!)
So thankful for time to create memories

We had a wonderful trip to San Diego last weekend.  We took the train down and walked over 4 miles each day!  The trolly tour of the city, Seaworld, and the aircraft carrier Midway were all wonderful!  Seaworld was not busy so we got to talk to a lot of the trainers and enjoy the shows!  The docents at the Midway were wonderful - great to hear their stories!  It truly is a floating city.  Had a wonderful time with Todd - so thankful he won this "staycation" for us at the auction!

I came back to a Wed morning appointment to get sutures removed.  Let me explain -- the sutures put in when my port was placed were to be the absorbable kind.  Unfortunately, I am special (1 in 300) and my body does not like the sutures.  We think it is encapsulating them and pushing them out.  They rise and fall through the layers of my skin the way a toddlers teeth rise and fall in their gums.  When they are almost through the skin, it feels like when you have a sliver and don't realize it until something brushes over the sliver and you get that needle like sensation.  My oncologist sent me back to get them looked at and removed.  After a very funny, in retrospect, appointment ( I was asked 3 different times by 3 different people - "who put in your port?"). My response each time was, "I was not wearing my contacts and did not read the doctor's badge, but it is probably in my records!"  It was like a 3 ring circus --but all were kind!  Eventually, the doctor who put it in, came and explained all this to me.  The other possibility is that the sutures that are poking up are not the disolvable ones, but the 2 non disolving sutures that are used to anchor the port to my chest wall - wouldn't that be grand!  In that case, they would have to go back in and re-do those stitches.....Praying that is not the case!  In the mean time, if they break the skin, he told me to cut them off (like anyone but a surgeon could cut a thread that is barely protruding from the skin!) or I could pull them out myself!  Oh well- we'll wait a month and see what happens...

As an unbelievable Christmas gift to me, Todd had our landscaper come in and totally redo our side yard.  They came in and removed almost everything, amended and tilled all the soil, totally redid the irrigation system, putting in drip emitters, put in nicer, softer grass than we had (we had let it die due to the drought),and then they planted a wide assortment of blooming perenials and small bushes.  We are putting some finishing touches on it and playing with a seating arrangement and that kind of thing --- but it has been such a joy to me to watch the birds and butterflies!  Before, with the grass dead and not nearly as much blooming, there was not a lot of bird traffic.  We just were watching orioles, bluebirds, and goldfinches as well as a few I did not recognize!  What an gift!  I am thrilled! 

Tomorrow morning I have another blood draw for my integrative doc - I couldn't do it Friday, because it is only collected Mon-Thur, but no one told me that..... This kind of thing happens so often and is wearing! The more players you have, the more things can go wrong!

Despite the wonderful time we have been having, we don't forget too often that there is a Beast lurking within me....It hangs over us like our personal raincloud.  It's been a year and a half since it came back...Praying I break all the statistics!  As my friend said, " there are no statistics for Christine Moritz!" Thankful for those words of life to replay in my mind...
We cling to reminders like Ps 141:8 which says
my eyes are fixed on you O sovereign Lord, in you I take refuge- do not give me over to death --
and
Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation' I will trust and not be afraid.  The Lord is my strength and my song -- he has become my salvation!

I am so thankful to be the miracle that I am -- stage IV patients do not walk 3 miles and do all the things I have been blessed to do. Each one of you is also a miracle - don't wait for a death sentence to be appreciative of it and take care of your body -- it needs good food, a balance of work and rest, and a thankful heart!  God is good -- all the time!  All the time, God is good!

Thanks for checkin' in!

Chemo 4 - done!

Made it through chemo # 4 - 
weight holding
sleeping lots
walking some
enjoying company between naps
deeply thankful despite being grumpy about going back to chemo!

In some ways it was rougher than 2, and 3-- in others is was better.
Nausea was worse by a long shot and I was very thankful for the supplemental meds that they provided me with.  My fatigue was also a bit worse I think -- I have slept a lot!  
This time around, even though I felt nauseated, I was able to eat pretty well in terms of volume, and not drop so much weight, which helps a lot with the fatigue!   
As you may remember, I try to walk regularly, and the first day on the pump, I did walk 2 miles - but yesterday I had to really push to make 1.25 miles.  If I don't walk, my muscles disappear with alarming rapidity!  
Drinking is still a challenge -- the metallic taste is awful, but between straws and Green Machine naked juice that I use 1/2 juice 1/2 water, I have been able to get at least 64 oz down.  La Croix has helped also!  I discovered that while traveling and it has made a big difference - an easier 12 oz to get in!  

Here is a short, sweet story - you never know the effect that you have!  After an absence
of several weeks, I returned to my infusion center for vitamin C therapy.  There is only one tech there who is qualified to infuse me through my port, otherwise it has to go through a vein.  He had not been there the last time I was there, so it had been about 5 weeks since we had seen each other.  His whole face lit up when he saw me!  "I've been so worried that you were not doing well with the chemo since you haven't been in - where have you been?"  
He peppered me with questions while setting me up - asking why I had been gone and how I was feeling and what the docs were saying.  It really warmed my heart! It was quiet in the clinic that day,and we sat and talked through his lunch hour while I got my infusion.  We discussed "healthy" lotion since I complained that the healthy stuff is not really thick enough and requires reapplication to avoid looking like an armadillo.  We did not really come up with anything, so if anyone has a lotion that does not have all the bad stuff (phthalates, paragons etc) I'd love to know!  But back to my tale -- he could easily have had his lunch with his co-workers, but instead he sat with me and invited them to sit with us also...I'm not sure what I did to warrant this kind of a response - but it was a good reminder to be interested in other's lives and not so self absorbed, no matter what your deal is!  You never know the effect you have on a person, or the opportunity you will have to listen to their story....


Not much else to report-- I survived!  That's the big thing!  

So thankful for:
great nurses and nurses assistants
loving infusion techs at my vitamin C infusion place
company that keeps coming to visit and lift my spirits
medicine to combat the awful side effects
my husband who helps me remember to take my    
   medicine on time :(
   (everything runs together - day-night-naps-meals-
    snacks - all a blur)
notes, texts, e-mails, gifts to encourage us
friends who come and clean for us
cute hats to make up for lack of hair
the amazing, unbelievable, diverse amount of people
    who are praying for me -- thank you!!!
the energy to enjoy excursions and great conversations
hummingbirds and gardens
pizza (lol)
scripture verses that keep me grounded when I slide off 
   into lala land or become distracted by everything going on with my body
how great I felt when on vacation.  
   (it really came home sharply how wonderful I felt then, when I felt so weak that I had to hang on to Todd's hand to keep forward momentum, and then have him leave me on a bench to go get the car instead of walking with him)  
each day...
each conversation...
each chance to say "I love you", "thank you"

Specific prayer requests - 
That I not become "immune" to this chemo -- that it continues to act on the cancer and keep it in check.  This is my one shot at "life."  If I become immune, well, then my days numbers become even shorter.  
That Todd be able to continue balancing work and caregiving with the same organization, grace and love that he has thus far.  

No matter what happens, I know that God is carrying me on this journey, that He has provided me with this platform to tell of His goodness and his provision.  As long as he gives me breath, I will praise and thank him for what he does for me.  He has enabled me to see the amazing things he does, both large and small.  He has allowed me to be a miracle for y'all to watch...No stage 4 cancer patient should be able to do the things I do -- I'm supposed to be in a wheelchair, on oxygen - not walking around the block!  We, each one of us are a miracle.  It is a matter of whether we recognize it or not.  
For far to long I treated my body like an amusement park rather than a temple...I am paying for it now.  If you tread that same path, I encourage you to cut it out -- no on wants to play this game!!!  
Cut back on sugar, alcohol and carbs-- go organic!! eat your veggies and lots of them-- get your screenings done and above all -- be thankful for the life you have!  
Make your corner of the world a better place
Be kind -
Take time for people
Be thankful...

I love each one of you and pray for so many of you -- Thank you from the bottom of my heart - your prayers make such a difference for us!  They carry us when life is too hard!  

Heal me LORD and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved, for you are at the one I praise!  Jer 17:4

Thanks for checkin' in!  

Summer means family, friends, diet vacation, chemo vacation!

After a wonderful time off my diet, vacationing, having company and visiting with friends, my heart is full of thankfulness!! Last year, I was so sick, I honestly did not know if I would ever be able to travel again, and I certainly could not host people!  Here I am, blessed beyond belief, to have spent precious time (our most valuable commodity) with my family and friends!! Don't tell me miracles don't happen anymore!! 

I'm fattening up to go back to chemo with my healthy diet and fight this beast!  Tipped the scales at 110 today and continuing to eat anything I can.  

On vacation, I felt so good, I tried three days with no painkillers which led me to some false optimism-- had to return to my extended release pain killers, which cast my spirits down. Was really hoping that I would be able to get off the heavy duty stuff, but no such luck.  Being off them made me very, very tired and even more emotional....

Thankful for pain management that gives me good quality of life!  

Have to remember that there will be good and bad days - and try to not get my hopes up too much. Still asking for my healing miracle - in the meantime continuing recognize that I am a living miracle and to be thankful that I'm as chipper and able as I am!  

The tumors must be shrinking tho because I slept on my right side for several hours, several nights in a row – a first in over year!

Continuing to fight The- "how many more times will I get to do this" and the "will I see them again " demons and maintain a "thankful for the present"  attitude. This will probably be a lifelong issue-hopefully for a long life!! 

Thankful for so many friends kindnesses that have blessed us with everything from fabulous meals, to clothes, to cleaning, to grocery shopping, to outings and overnight stays -- and especially the precious prayers!!

Was blessed by time with not only many friends, but also with our sons and their families -- what wonderful medicine that is!!!  As you can imagine, creating new memories with our grand daughter and also in-laws-to-be, is so uplifting.  

Was blessed to attend a conference with Todd and get to stay at a private botanical garden in Wisconsin, on lake Michigan for several days.  The peaceful, rich green and the beautiful water were so healing, and the funny things, like the tubs made us laugh!   There were things to generate laughter and good feelings all over the gardens!  It was amazing!

Was again blessed, this time by our Wisconsin congregation.  When we went to church on Sunday  our pastor asked if it would be ok to bring us up in front of the church and pray over me/us.   What an astonishment as we have been gone for 4 full years!!  Not so astonishing, it made me cry to hear his beautiful prayer and have so many people come forward to pray over us!  The crowd really moved me to more tears--the love that we felt was amazing.  What was equally surprising to me was the people who came up to me after church to share hugs and prayers.  After all this time, the impression that we had made still remained.  It was very moving and of course generated tears!    What most amazed me was the memories that people shared with me - some reminding me of things that I had done with/for them that I had completely forgotten about - what a blessing to have those reminders!  It really made me think tho -- 

Never underestimate the impact that you make wherever you are!  Things that seem small and insignificant to you may really be God's work!  

Make a difference wherever you are!  

Take time for people! 

Listen with your whole heart and ask God how you can help while you are listening!  

The only thing you can take with you to heaven is people.  Your kindness and caring will make a difference--I saw proof of it!  

I love talking with people who are in the midst of deep pain.  People will tell me things that they rarely share with others.  It is truly amazing when someone quietly bares their soul to me.  It is an honor and I ask God for help so that they get the comforting message He wants them to hear.  A quick, "speak for me God" is all the prayer it takes and it works every time!  Obviously it made a difference if people still commented about it after 4 years!!!

--Counting down to next chemo 7/11 -

--Thankful I have a fall back after the xeloda stopped being effective

--Got a new haircut - 2-3 inches off to combat thinning hair..

--Fighting my sugar addiction which is back after time off my diet :(

--Moritz B&B booking up fast- lots of friends coming to see us! :)

--Very thankful for the chemo vacation, for feeling good, for having some energy to 

     enjoy our company....

--Thankful for God granting me time....

Asking for the specific prayers 

-that the chemo not become ineffective against the cancer as the xeloda did....

-that my sugar/carb cravings would become more manageable...

-that I remain strong in body and spirit to bear the chemo and fight the beast...

-that Todd continue to be strong and as loving and amazing as ever...

Praise the Lord, my soul;

   all my inmost being, praise his holy name.  

Praise the Lord  my soul, 

   and forget not all his benefits

who forgives all your sins

   and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

   and crowns you with love and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with good things 

   so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's   PS 103:1-5

I especially like the healing from disease and youth renewed part :)

Never think that I am ungrateful for all your cards, texts, e-mails, notes and gifts!  They renew my spirit daily and I cannot thank you enough for all your support and help!  Thanks for checkin' in! 

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