This one was better!

Chemo # 17 seems more normal ish - must have been the flue last time!
So thankful! Happy dance!
Weight is up (carbs are my downfall! And hydration has contributed to that also)
Walking is down-gotta get back on that
Drinking fluids is a real struggle
Sleep is ok
Some headaches from the drugs
Continuous runny nose - yuck
Energy is pretty good
Liver hurting somewhat :(

Have been re-admitted to home health care to receive hydration 3 x a week at home in hopes of minimizing the nausea which really has gotten difficult to manage...I have 3 oral anti nausea medications and am supposed to take them in concert - however, one of them puts me to sleep powerfully....it is a little difficult to live life when you fall into a sound sleep! Taking the other two does not work quite as effectively. This leads to eating carbs to try and control the nausea which is why my weight is up :( [and pls don’t tell me a little extra weight is good! I get it, but it is the bad kind- right around my middle, that is said to drive cancer!]

Home health care is a different experience. They are teaching me to do my own hook ups, flush offs and disconnects. It is the weirdest thing to be working on myself. Pretty hard to see also as the port is set high on my chest wall. I’m learning tho. Not sure how long I’ll be able to stay in home health care...insurance will decide that. When I am hooked up for hydration, it is gravity driven (as opposed to pump driven, which the chemo is administered through. This means that the first time I did it, even running at the fastest speed it took almost 4 1/2 hours. Those of you who know me well can imagine how crazy I was going being tethered to this IV pole and unable to do things! We got around this though! Todd figured out how to wedge it up on the kitchen counter (yay for vaulted ceilings) and now it gets done in about 2 1/2 hours instead! Much better!

PSA - Here is a life hack for transporting lots of various medication in my purse -- use a contact lens case or two  - they are small and seal well.  For reference, on my phone, I keep the pill names and markings so I can be sure to get the right medicine lol!  I have to use 2 cases for all my stuff  - but it beats the clunky "pill minders."

When I have walked, (which has not been really often) it is obvious that I have lost lots of muscle and stamina, which makes me sad and also a little bit scared- it is so easy to lose your strength - so hard to get it back! My self discipline seems to be awol these days! My flexibility has greatly diminished also, which is not good. Lots to work on!

Drinking anything seems to get harder and harder, which is why the hydration is such a blessing. Last fall a friend gave me a pound of Pau D’Arco tea. At that time, I did not have energy to figure it out and learn what to do with it. In view of the progression, I am more desperate and when I found it in the cabinet, immediately started brewing and drinking! It is said to have powerful anti viral, anti fungal and anti cancerous properties. It’s been around and used for a very long time in South America. Praying that perhaps this is one avenue that God will use to slow the progression.

Sleeping is something that I am doing more of lately, which is scary and discouraging. I know that sleeping more can be healing, but it can also be because the cancer is progressing....Two years ago, my sleeping more is what made Todd think something was up even before the pain started. It does make it difficult to live life the way I want to when I keep having to take a nap! Argh! I should not complain though - at least I am not throwing up like last time!

The weather here is so uplifting - I have gotten to be out in the garden several days in a row, puttering around - though today, the santa ana winds about blew me away! Being outside in the beautiful weather lifts my heart so much! Nothing like playin’ in the dirt to make me happy!

Todd continues to be my special gift from God, my joy—lifting my spirits daily- making difficult things seem bearable, even laughable - continuously encouraging me and making light of dumb things like when I forget to take my pain medicine (!) or lose my words- lol! He makes up songs and sings them to me - so silly but unbelievably comforting! I am so thankful for him and very blessed....

People still tell me how great I look. My continuous response is to point heavenward and say, “ Its God!” I believe with all my heart that the reason I am doing so well is because of all of you praying for me - banging on heavens gates in my/our behalf.  Even when I feel sick, I do not really look too sick. Sometimes I’m pretty pale, or pretty flushed, but overall my appearance would not attract any unusual attention. I am so thankful for God’s mercy to me thus far.  When we are at the doctor’s office and I see these poor people - shells of themselves, in wheelchairs, or with walkers, pasty yellow, grey or green, unable to smile for feeling so miserable, it smaks me in the face that I am unusual - a walking miracle!

Most of the time my spirits are pretty good — but sometimes the reality, gravity and finality of my situation overwhelms me. Fear is so real I feel like I can touch it...As you can imagine, tears flow unstoppably, sobbing...the thought of not being here with/for Todd and the kids is so incredibly painful...I understand what a broken heart means...It is so hard to not play the “why me” game - and yet when that pops into my head I really have to shove it aside — I am so blessed - I force myself to say, “ I trust you Lord” even when I can hardly get the words out and even when I don’t really feel all that trusting. The peace follows the words.  My broken heart is not shattered yet — I have been given this third chance (2nd was the first diagnosis in 2011) to live, to really live and I am trying my best to do so with a thankful trusting heart - even if it’s rather teary. In Isaiah 61:1 it says God sent Christ to bind up the broken hearted and that’s what I feel like he does when I finally stop crying...He patches together my broken heart and gives me joy and peace to live another day - to relish the time I have here - to look for His work, His appointments... to thank and praise Him. This passage goes on and talks about God comforting all who mourn and that He will provide a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair! He does for me every day! Don’t kid yourself that I go long stretches without crying and grieving! Tears and deep grief are never, ever far from me! I memorized this section years ago - never realizing how treasured it would be to me!
When you are feeling like the world is beating up on you - remember to be thankful—look around - there is always something to be thankful for! Trust God to bind up your broken heart and to bless you with “a garment of praise” — but you have to trust and give thanks and do the praising! He will help you get to that place!


I continue to dwell with great thanks and praise on all the things that I was able to do over Christmas and all the celebrations that I was a part of....God is rich in his mercy! That I am as sick as I am, yet can do as much as I do is a miracle. It’s not everyday you get your own personal miracle! However, I am well aware that every morning I open my eyes is really a miracle. We are unbelievably thankful to God and also to you for your faithful prayers for us! You are making such a huge difference!

Thanks for checkin’ in!

Happy 2018!

Hi Friends! Happy 2018! I am alive and well and have had the best Christmas! Forgive the lack of correspondence, but it took all my braincells to figure out the logistics of packing to go to cold climates for 2 weeks including gatherings for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, a bachelor(ette)party, rehersal dinner, a wedding and then several days with our grand daughters! I have been living life large and God has been so gracious to me! Throughout this whole trip I felt good, ate as best as I could (many thanks to those who hosted me and went out of their way that I could eat organically!!) and had a blast! Yes - I did have to take naps and I did wear out, but did not get sick despite everyone around me coughing and sniffling! (ate a lot of airborne and zicam)
The temperatures in Iowa were well below zero, with the record being -23 degrees. Montana was positively balmy at 34 degrees Brrrrrr!! Southern California was very nice to come back to! I must say though, it was beautiful while we were there.

I/We received with one blessing after another while on the vacation.
-Our travel was relatively smooth, compared to some of the problems that others had.
-I felt decent to travel - not too nauseated (just kept taking nausea meds!) and was a reasonable traveling companion (Todd did not have to drag me along - I could walk next to him and enjoy the adventue.
-Despite the cold, our vehicle ran smoothly and we had no problems!
-We spent Christmas with our new daughter-in-love’s family and they were so warm and welcoming - lots of great conversations and laughs! We felt a part of the family - what a gift!
-It was wonderful to spend time with dear lifelong friends and family that were able to make it to the wedding. Because our side was quite small, we got to spend some really good time with our friends and have conversations that don’t normally get to happen because the group is so big!
-In addition we celebrated not only the wedding but new years!! It was so frigid that the cold froze the lighter stick for the mortars! We had to resort to matches! Some went outside for the full. freezing experience - some watched from the window - guess which one I was?
Our daughter-in-love and I watched wrapped in a blanket and applauded those brave enough (crazy enough) to go out!-It sounds life a small thing, but to have the energy to be a part of the preparations, the parties —- Life —- Oh it was such a precious gift!
-For both our boys, I had prayed for their wives-to-be from the time they were in diapers - that they would love the Lord and “get” our boys. It is such a blessing to see prayers answered in such a beautiful way. We are deeply thankful for our daughter’s-in-love!
-From wedding celebrations, we flew to Montana and met our new grand daughter and that was a great adventure as children always are, bringing joy, laughs and chaos all at the same time!
-Blessings incuded spending time wih both granddaughters, playing pretend, reading books and snuggling the baby....it was heaven! The icing on the cake was watching Todd do ballet with the 3 year old! It was so cute and funny — “c’mon opa!” “No opa - like this” loved it!
-The newlyweds traveled to Montana to spend time with Gretchen and the girls since they were not able to attend the wedding, so we got some more extended family time - again, a real gift!
-We flew home Sunday night and had pretty smooth travel....
All in all, lots of blessings that I am so thankful for - but mostly that I could be there and participate on the level that made me feel like i was really healthy and not wrestling with stage IV colon cancer...
Several people commented that if they did not know about my condition, they would never have know....Thank you Lord!

I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. Ps 86:12

Yesterday was back to reality - blood draws, doc appointments, grocery store and Mount Washmore...Today stated Chemo 16.

At my Oncologist appointment I found out that they had sent out the tissue for testing to see if I am a candidate for some additional medicines to be done on top of the chemo.....Sadly I am not...One more door closed...
She also talked about clinical trials which is not something I really want to try. The whole conversation really threw me for a loop and reduced me to tears — sobs to be exact....
We will see what God has in mind, as they are sending out the tissue for further eval to see if there are any receptors that would work.

The stats that I usually put at the beginning are pretty much the same - weight, sleep are good, eating well, though the trip had me eating more sugar than is good — but home made christmas cookies are to die for! And the white-chocolate-raspberry wedding cake was the best I’d ever had! I need to get back to walking again!  

Praying that the ill effects of eating sugar did not encourage the cancer too much!
Praying that the chemo does its work and that the week delay did not give the cancer an additional edge!
Praying that they can find something else to stop the progression, so that clinical trials are not my only resort.....

I love you dear friends/prayer warriors and pray that you had a meaningful Advent and Christmas season. We are so thankful for each of you!

Thanks for checkin’ in!

Chemo 14 - Done

Nausea is persistent - often on all 3 oral nausea medications at once!   Yuck!
Very tired
Pain is managed
Hands and feet continuing to be cracked etc - thanks for the lotion some of you sent!
A new development is that my skin is getting crepey and wrinkly - never a dull moment!
Stitch from port removed-- finally!
Still eating a broader range of foods than just carbs - tho that's what I gravitate toward
Feeling good enough to enjoy some living-but I end up very weary.
Headaches accompany the disconnect shot for about 5 days- yuck!
Emotions, grief and anxiety continue to pick away at both of us....
   Ps 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

In the genre of "the rollercoaster of a serious illness", we spoke with Oasis of Hope and were discouraged.  It was not the doc I spoke to before. It was  one I had not spoken with for almost a year and I was frustrated because he did not have all my records in front of him.  Further, he quickly recommended that I come back for a 3 week stay (they had spoken about a 1 week "tune-up" stay before I left there last year) and he wanted me to take all the supplements that they sent me home with.  When I explained that I had been unable to tolerate them because they made me sick, he suggested cutting the dose of some of them by half....When I asked whether he had looked at the image, he said that he had and that there was very little difference but that the liver was where all the change was.  
At the end of our conversation, I felt discouraged and defeated.  The thought of going back on that extremely strict diet (4 animal protein meals out of 21, no gluten, no dairy, no sugar) and all the struggles cooking for that kind of a diet- (not that I did that - my kind husband  made all those recipes happen!) the thought of struggling to live like that again with all the supplements making me even sicker than chemo already is was simply too much for both of us. And that did not even scratch the monetary effect of his suggestion!  I can't tell you how down in the dumps I was--we spoke Thursday evening after I got disconnected so I had a building headache as well. Fortunately the next day was somewhat better and we were somewhat more upbeat, but not much! 
I plan to try to contact the doctor who I spoke with last time and the time before...We'll see what happens...

On the uphill portion of the roller coaster, several dear friends blessed me by helping me hostess a table for our Lancer Ladies Luncheon - similar to an Advent by Candlelight but with a boutique to accomplish some Christmas shopping!  I wanted so badly to host a table but did not have the energy to decorate it (and that is quite an elaborate undertaking!) nor to do all the inviting.  One dear friend helped me with the invitations and another did all the decorating, including providing the desert!  I was so blessed to be able to go!  Afterword I took a 2 hour nap, sleeping like a rock!  

Back down the roller coaster --This chemo has been a bit different again -- I woke up Wed morning nauseated -- usually that would wait til Thursday!  I have been sleeping a lot more again which scares me because it makes me wonder if the cancer is growing more....

On Monday before chemo, I went in to see the surgeon who placed my port.  The stitch that had been bothering me for months finally got to be "Too Much!"  It had a nasty habit of rising thru the skin to catch on my clothes like a sliver would and then receding into the skin as soon as I thought about picking up a tweezers to grab it, as the doctor told me to do.  In fact, 4-5 different times I ended up ripping off a small chunk of skin in my efforts to grab the stitch!  Ouch!!!  
When I went it, it ended up being a big stinkin' deal.  I got admitted as an out patient - lotsa forms to fill out - gowned up and left to wait.  Finally the surgeon was able to come and work on me.  The injection of local pain killer hurt so badly it made me cry.  I've never experienced pain like that.  He said it was because it was shooting through scar tissue -- I just know I never want that again!  It was horrible.  After that it was rather odd to be lying there awake and feeling the tugs and cuts tho they did not hurt.  He worked on me for over 1/2 an hour!  We even chatted a bit.  I thought surely he had grabbed ahold of the stitch but he said, "no, I'm looking for it!"  Told you it would hide!  Finally he got it.  It was the tail of one of the two permanent stitches that adhere the port to my chest wall.  He was able to remove the tail without disturbing the knot, for which I was very thankful.  When he began to stitch me up though, there was not enough slack in the skin so I ended up super glued together with steri strips holding it all together!  Fortunately the nurses the next day did not get all in a tizzy about my fresh wound.  Also fortunately, the dressing that they use on me because of my tape problem had enough room to go around the port and around the new incision.  By now I am over the pain of the incision except for a few stray shooting pains.  The steri strips are starting to loosen - so I'm trying to keep them on so they don't come off too early.  

So there you go - the latest and greatest in the story of my journey -Not too thrilling!

On a more exciting front - we are awaiting the birth of our second grand daughter and praying for momma and child 
and
we are counting down days til our son's wedding!  3 weeks!  
So thankful for having fun things to look forward to like Christmas! 

We focus on the good things to combat the attacks of grief and sadness.  
Thankful for 
safety during the crazy santa ana winds all last week
safety from fires
for faithful friends who help us out with everything from rides, grocery shopping, praying with me or with Todd, setting a lovely table, fixing food for us, making phone calls and especially praying for us!    
technology that keeps us connected - 
    so blessed to get to watch my new almost daughter in love's recital!  so talented!
    blessed by the frequent phone calls, texts, e-mails, fb messages from friends and family
christmas stollen - no it's not organic, but i eat only a little and it makes me think of
    Christmas with my parents and grandparents
the silly little bird that perches up above my rose bush, safely tucked out of the winds
neighbors who are kind and caring 
soft pillow and warm bed to sleep in
anti nausea medicine to keep me feeling a bit better
clean water 
birds who play in my fountain
flowers that bloom even though it is Winter 
Advent that reminds us of the amazing gift of our Savior...

Luke 1:38 sticks with me.  I admire Mary's courage - her simple faith. 

  "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered.  "May your word to me be fulfilled."  
Praying that I can be as courageous in what God calls me to face....l.

Blessings to y'all!  Thanks for checkin in!  

Thankful for "Mild" and "Stable"

Pet Scan last Wednesday - "Mild Progression" is the summary which is better than "progression!"
Chemo 13 kicked my butt!

Pain from growing tumor is managed now

Nausea worse and lasting around the clock for the first week, better this week

Pretty much feel like I have the flue most of the time 

Feet and hands peeling/cracking badly

Mouth sores from last round still flaring up - one just will not go away! 

Dropped a few pounds which is fine- still have a good appetite

Eating smaller amounts more frequently to try and curb the nausea 

Struggling to sleep at night  — fear and sadness are twin companions but God grants peace here and there.  

At the PET scan a week ago,  just after I got the radioactive shot, I threw up!  That has never happened before!  Through all my chemo rounds, I have never thrown up!   Fortunately, there were no dry heaves, but I felt pretty icky.  Lying still was tough, but my tech worked extra hard to make me comfortable!  She remembered me from last time and felt bad that I was so much worse off - she remembered how chipper I was and this time was really not!  

I felt too bad to take advantage of any of the lovely invitations for Thanksgiving, so my fantastic Chef Todd whipped up a traditional thanksgiving meal - complete with pumpkin pie!  He is amazing!  I am blessed!  

I did get the report from my PET scan, and my beloved, personal analyst evaluated every tumor and charted it all out to show that while some tumors are growing a little bit, some have completely changed shape The "glow factor" or SUV was slightly elevated also across the board as well.  There was one tumor that I need to ask about - it was listed with only one measurement that had a high SUV (7) that the report says "This finding is probably new."  I don't get what that means.  It's either new, or it's not!  However, it is not good that he thinks it is new.  

Next Tuesday is my next chemo appointment and I'll talk to the oncologist then.  I am sending the findings off to Oasis of Hope to see what they say.  There the doctors actually look at the pictures and put them side by side with prior images.  Hopefully will hear back from them Tues. or Wed.   

  

We were blessed by a call with my oncologist's nurse practitioner.  She stressed that while there is mild progression in the liver, everything else is relatively stable and stability is what they are looking/hoping for.  She said that the chemo still had the cancer under control (which I don't understand if it is growing anywhere....) Regarding increasing the amount of chemo that I am receiving. (I am currently getting 80% of the amount that I could get for my height and weight)  she said that the doctor was recommending not increasing the amount of the chemo because the growth is so slight.  However,  she will order some extra tests that will determine if I am a candidate for "targeted therapy", which evidently is a different kind of treatment which up to this point we have not heard of.  Bottom line from my conversation with her, I'm thankful it is "mild" and that everything else is "stable" but it is still very troublesome that anything would grow while on chemo...

I’m trying hard to live in the present and not be fearful but it is rugged going these days!  On my phone, there is a long list of scripture memory verses in the notes section, so when I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot sleep, I can read those and it helps calm the fears!  

Despite the growth while on chemo, we are choosing be thankful that I got this heads-up to be extra diligent with my diet over the holidays.  It also has caused me to realize that I have gotten lax with doing my other protocols.  This happened due to travel and forgetfulness and feeling gross.  It is motivating me to get back to charting my protocols...

We are also choosing to pray that God will work another miracle and allow me to live in a “peaceful co-existance” with this tumor — that the chemo would keep it in check and that life could continue as it has been, with me being a “walking miracle.”  It sure would be nice if God demonstrated his love for us by doing what we want, the way we want it - but that is NOT how He operates and it would be really dangerous for me to equate His love with things going the way I want!  He does love me and having me walk this path is serving His purpose that I do not understand.   We stand firmly on Phil 4:13 - We can do all things thru Christ who strengthens us!

As we counted our blessings, y’all figured so largely in the list!  Thank you so much for the kind notes, comments, gifts messages and e-mails - they have blessed us immeasurably!  Let us enter the Advent season, continuously thanking Him for all situations in our lives - not just those that go our way!  Much love to each of you! Thanks for checking in!  

Chemo Delay-Prayers please-Fear Stalks

Sorry for the long gap between posts! Between livin' it up and no internet at our house (long story) just have not gotten to post!  So here goes--

Very thankful for a relatively easy chemo #12, now almost 3 weeks ago
Delayed chemo by 1 week to build some memories-
     back to back trips to Iowa and then a trip to Cabo San Lucas, that was thanks to the generosity of friends!
Mouth sores bothering me sporadically
Better sleeping due to reduced steroids (I think)
Nausea a little better, seem to be able to eat a broader variety of things, not just potatoes and pizza
Skin is not doing as well on hands and feet - feels dry, papery and peely
Hot flashes are a pain - was done with those for 2 years and to have them back is adding insult to injury!
Have hardly lost any hair the last 3 chemos-lol shoulda’ gotten the wigs earlier!
Not walking as much
Got to visit our son in Iowa :) -Traveled ok, despite chemo
Thrilled to spend a few days with my son and daughter-in-love to be-nice to be able to help them a little bit here and there.
Enjoying the fall colors and the crisp cold fall air so much —
Loved playing with their cat- an outdoor cat-a tiny fierce calico mouser - 3 kills in one day!

Blessed by some generous friends that I landed back home on Thursday night and flew out on Saturday morning for adventures in Cabo San Lucas!  They spoiled us rotten!  It’s amazing to me how God continues to pour out his blessings on us through our friends!  They are so loving and giving!
In a casual conversation with another friend, Todd discovered they were going to be in Cabo at the same time, and they invited us on a deep sea fishing jaunt!  Never have done that before! Got to see a huge hammerhead shark up close and personal! My tender heart was thrilled that they practiced catch and release!
Sitting by the water soaking up the sun was good medicine!  We are so blessed!  I am so thankful for the love and generosity of our friends...
So much good to report.....

HOWEVER....
We ask for your specific prayers
I can feel that one of the tumors in my gut has grown again....
For a tumor to grow while on chemo is a very bad sign.
When we started this, my doctor hoped to get me to our son’s wedding in December....
We asked God for a miracle and here I am
Now we are asking God that I continue to be the walking miracle that He has blessed me to be thus far...

It is amazing how life changes in a few seconds - ask anyone who has watched a baby be born, or who has ushered a parent home to heaven...Fear is powerful....but our God is greater....

I have often gotten on a soapbox about memorizing scripture as many of you know.  What is in your heart God can bring to the surface when you need it.  I will tell you though, (in the interests of opening a window into my world) that when fear broadsides you, it is very difficult to remember anything!  The devil truly seeks to bury you in fear....it is like suffocating - you desperately grasp and claw for something that will help you breath....

Then God brought me Ps 23 -

I am your shepherd -
     you will lack nothing(as in, “you are a kinda dumb, weak little sheep - I got this-as I always have!”)
I’ll guide you to green pastures with quiet water for you to drink from and rest
I’ll restore your soul
I’ll lead you in paths of righteousness (not easy paths)
When we walk through the valley of the shadow of death you will be with us - we don’t have to do this alone...
My cup overflows....
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever....

He also brought to mind Josh 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous!  Do not be terrified,
Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go!

And as I kept asking God to bring me comfort, he brought other verses to me like:
Is 43:1-3 Fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name You are mine!
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you,
When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep you away
When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned.
The flames will not set you ablaze for I am the Lord your God....

Ps 34:19 A righteous man has many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.

And then I went for my memory verse cards...
Ps 30:5 weeping may remain for the night but joy comes in the morning

James 1:2-4 consider it pure joy my brothers (this is a little tough!) when you fave trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence and perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing....

Is 52:12 For the Lord will go before you and the God of Israel will be your rearguard

John 11:40 Then Jesus said, “ Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the Glory of God?”

Is 43:18–19 Stop dwelling on past events and brooding over days gone by.  I am about to do something new; this moment it will unfold.  Can you not perceive it?

Ps 42:5 Why so downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my savior and my God.

John 15:5 I am the vine. You are the branches.  If a man remain in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit.  Apart from me, you can do nothing.

Matt 19:25 With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible

Romans 8:6(b) The mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace

Ex 14:14 The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still

Ps 27:1 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Jer 32:17 Lord nothing is too hard for you

Ps 73:23 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever....

Phil 4:11-13 For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
I know what it is to be in need.  I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me.

Gen 15:1 Do not be afraid- I am your shield and your very great reward!

Zech 4:6 Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit says the Lord almighty!

Eph 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory!

Mark 9:23 Everything is possible to him who believes

Finally, my prayer
Jer 17:4 Heal me Lord and I will be healed, save me and I will be saved, for you are the one that I praise

I am deeply thankful for the walking miracle i have been and we are praying
that the chemo works more effectively
that I am not becoming immune to it
that God works another miracle and shrinks the tumor I feel and any that I do not feel
that fear is kept at bay by dwelling in thankfulness on all He has done
that God chooses to extend my life

Thank you for riding this rollercoaster with us!  We have much to be thankful for - and y’all are at the top of the list!
Thanks for checkin’ in!

Joy to Share

Chemo went ok - overall not as bad as It could be

Weight creeping up 

Mouthsores - starting but controlled

Walking more

Sleep is not good - can’t seem to sleep more than 6 hours and I’m supposed to get 8

Fatigue is lower than usual

Achey but ok

Port stitches still coming up throught 

Nausea managed - 

Learning to wear a wig successfully (that means without fiddling with it all the time!)

So very blessed by our Orange Lutheran High School family !  A group of them all pitched together and sent me money to purchase a second wig!!! I was so surprised!  They surprised me on my disconnect day - so I was quite out of it and kept mumbling,”thank you” while they bought my 2nd choice wig! Not only that, but they gave me enough money that I have a chunk leftover to put toward bucket list items!  I am absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from them!  “Thank you” seems so very weak compared to the thankfulness I feel!  Love them!

Blessed to be able to travel w Todd last weekend.  We flew on Friday after chemo (yikes!) to Orlando for a meeting and were able to see my brother in law and his family.  Tho nervous about flying that soon after chemo, I survived -- the worst part was sitting on the tarmac for an hour, mildly nauseated and feeling fluey!  After loading up on drugs and we made it through - very thankful no puke bags were involved - tho I had them at the ready!  

We only got to see them 1 day and then the next two I spent in bed!  Pure exhaustion!  Was so wonderful to lie in bed, watch HGTV(we do not have cable so this was a real treat!), fall asleep, and wake up, read, fall asleep and do it all over again- and then get dressed for dinner with friends -- yay! 

The most amazing miraculous thing was Tuesday tho -- and some will say that it is coincidence.  Coincidence explaines the energy, but not the joy!  Tuesday after the meeting finished, Todd and I went to Epcot (lots of memories here as we took our kids there when they were tiny) We got to the park about 1:30 and left the park at 9:30 after the fireworks!!  My phone said I walked 7.3 miles in one day!!!  

Back to the joy -- All day, it was as though there was this effervescent bubbling spring in my soul!  We had an absolute blast and made fun new memories!  In my opinion, the sleep accounted for the energy, but God blessed me with the joy!  

So why is this "different?"

Well, up until a few months ago, I have lived pretty stoically, (Germans are not known for their joy filled, fun personalities or for laughing a lot or for "playing")   Without getting into all the details, tho much of my life has looked perfect, it has been far from that!  My relationship with my parents was rocky at best.   They loved me very much, but we spoke different love languages and I was a bit of a rebel (shocking, I am sure!).  This all lead to trouble in many other areas of my life.  I have wrestled with depression, perfectionism, spiritual warfare, marital issues, parenting issues, lack of self confidence and that is in incomplete list! 

----Yet, despite all these things, we adopted Todd's 1/2 brother when we were 26 and he was 16, and in addition have raised 2 amazing, Godly men and rejoice to see faith in our grand daughter!  I'm not bragging - the point of this is that I am painting this background because God is pushing me to offer HOPE. 

I could have gone seriously south at many points of my journey - but He was faithful and kept yanking me back from the various precipices.  Through this cancer journey, He has been the only thing that I could cling to. In clinging to him, particularly in the hopeless times, he taught me that joy comes from dwelling with him.  It sounds impossible, and humanly speaking it is.  Yet when you go back to scripture promises in your dark times, joy begins to grow.  As you force your feet to walk the path you don't want to walk, and choose to praise Him anyway, peace becomes your companion and the joy continues to grow in tiny increments.  

I have had the feeling for the last several months that my spirit was lighter and I came to recognize this joy that was unfamiliar to me...and I believe it is an ongoing process.  

It's taken a cancer journey to heal my heart?  My spirit?  

Yep! 

I am a different woman than I was in October of 2011.  God had to blow up my life to teach me a loving lesson.  I am more optomistic, more positive, sillier, hopefully funnier, more spontaneous, less caring of what people will say -- I am learning to play again - grandchildren have a way of teaching you that!  Praise God for such a joyful lesson!  

So where is all this going?  

What was a horrible diagnosis has shattered the way that I lived.  It has taught me to live with thankfulness and joy - and it just bubbles up.  Hopefully I have a long time to practise living this carefree, joyful way of life! 

So what?

Maybe something is not perfect in your life. Maybe you want to live a life of significance.  Maybe you feel part of you is broken. Been there, done all of that! 

I did not know about this kind of joy to ask for it and I'm not sure I would have had the guts to ask, because I didn't feel "good enough."    

My dear friend - God can use anything submitted to him and bring about a miracle that you cannot envision.    He did not create you just to use up oxygen and take up space.  He loves you and He is able to do abundantly, immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine! 

Give him your broken pieces. Watch for the picture to form as He makes a beautiful mosaic out of the broken bits.  It's taken 6 years so far, so be patient - God specializes in miracles!  

Thankful for:

Feeling good and having energy

Friends that care about me feeling good about myself, enough to buy me a wig!

Friends that gave so much that I have funds left over for bucket list items!

Friends that drive me around, run errands and help me cook and clean

A memorable joyful energetic day with the love of my life

Drugs that allow me to travel more comfortably

The board my husband serves on that seeks to make a difference for many schools

Winter finally arriving in SoCal

Family

The lessons that only children and grandchildren can teach 

Air travel to be able to see my family

Scripture memory work that keeps me company when I cannot sleep

Friends all over the nation

God doing more than I could remotely ask or imagine

That God loves to make broken pieces into masterpieces

Love to y'all! Thanks for checkin' in!

Flying High

Chemo 11 tomorrow I hope
Energy good
Nausea managed
Gaining weight
Still not walking enough
Cold on the way out -bloody noses still bothering me
Skin on hands and feet very troublesome - cracking/splitting
Diet has not been very good - gotta get back at it

Last chemo was slightly better than they had been, but I got a wicked headache on Friday -a reaction to the neulasta shot after disconnect.  Fortunately the excedrin for headaches knocked it down but it took the better part of the day to grab - lying in bed withe tears trickling into your ears is not comfortable, nor does it improve the headache! Aside from that though, the nausea did not last as long, not much hair fell out, the mouth sores were not as bad and did not last as long either! I am hesitant to get too excited because each chemo is different - but the ease of symptoms was a nice switch....

Have done a lot of wrestling with my wig - learning how to keep it on my petite head without using 30 bobby pins - lol.  If you cinch the adjusting strap too tight you get a headache, and if you don't cinch it tight enough, it slides back on my head...Trying to find that fine line!  Thanks for all the sweet compliments on it! Several people have asked if I got it cut for me and the answer is no - this is how this particular wig lies - so blessed! 
I have done a lot of sharing how hard this cancer journey is and wanted to share some joy with you --
This last Friday night, after a long nap, I got to go to my first OLu football game in over a year.  A friend that took me to chemo said she was going to the game, but would not be staying for the whole game. As it turned out, she was willing to give me a ride home 1/2 thru the third quarter!  Does not sound like a big deal - except that for me, it was huge!!  You can't really ask someone to take you to a game and leave before it is finished. Todd stays til the kids have walked off the field - by which point, exhaustion would have won!  That's why it's been over a year - because on good nights, I turn into a pumpkin about 9 p.m.
It was such a joy to go and be with Todd in his world, the world we used to share all the time, to see the kids, to see so many friends that I have not seen in so very long! I was just absolutely bouncing - so happy - chattering away with everyone...such fun!  It meant so much to Todd to have me there also!  Such a gift!

Saturday afternoon, I felt good enough to go with Todd to a funeral, which was hard, but good.  I could not see having Todd go by himself to watch a friend commemorate his wife.....Thankful I could go and be with him.  The extra blessing was that one of our students sang for the funeral - and he is one of my favorite singers -- sounds like Josh Groban!  So though many kleenexes got used, I would not have missed it!

Then, by God's great grace, I felt good enough (after another very deep nap) to go out with Todd to Taste of OLu and thoroughly enjoyed every minute!  It was another evening of connecting with people I had not seen in a long time and talking non-stop for almost 5 hours.  I talked to more people in 29 hours than I had in the last 4 months!!! wow!

This was such a gift!  I felt almost like my old self!  My old self would have stayed for the whole game and stayed at the Taste of OLu to help clean up so it was not too far off.  Cannot tell you how happy it made me!  Todd too :) I know there is no "cure" for stage IV colon cancer.  But if I could live the rest of my life this energetic - boy would that be an incredible blessing!!!

An added bonus is that I got to work at the thrift shop several times in the last two weeks - that is my happy place because the people are amazing and inspiring!  And after working for 3 hours today, I felt good enough to come home and tackle my endless to-do list!  Thank you God for giving me the gumption to do that!  

Ecc 7:14 - When life is good,
    be happy!

On another note - so happy to hear from people how much they like the wig pictures!  Many had big smiles as we laughed together about them.  
Also, very, very humbled that many people said they loved my blog....
True confessions---it is sometimes really hard to write and I don't always feel like I have a lot to share because things have gotten pretty routine now and I don't want to waste your time - there is not lots "new" or dramatic to tell you. I am honored that y'all continue to come back and read about my journey and adventures even when it isn't dramatic - just the day-to-day plodding along and praying for God's intervention.  Thanks for walking with us - you make it so much better! 

Thankful for
life - every minute of it
air conditioning
scripture to grant comfort and cure insomnia
birds playing in my fountain
my fantastic husband who is willing to help me anything
taking a break from my diet a little bit and enjoying it so much!
family who reaches out and provides prayer coverage and distraction
our "in-laws" or family "in-love" who have embraced, prayed and supported us so faithfully, 
   demonstrating what real family is like
insurance saying it will cover my wig!!! (miracle! very thankful!)
God continuing to provide for us through friends who share time, gifts or service to us
a friend sending me beanies and scarves for days when I am lying down all day!
a friend leaving during the 3rd quarter
no Santa Ana winds coming when forecasted for over the weekend
friends who drive me everywhere
the small surge of self discipline today and the joy of accomplishment
drugs to combat all the side effects
the joy that bubbles up in my heart even when it's chemo tomorrow!


Thanks for checkin' in!