Weight creeping up
Mouthsores - starting but controlled
Walking more
Sleep is not good - can’t seem to sleep more than 6 hours and I’m supposed to get 8
Fatigue is lower than usual
Achey but ok
Port stitches still coming up throught
Nausea managed -
Learning to wear a wig successfully (that means without fiddling with it all the time!)
So very blessed by our Orange Lutheran High School family ! A group of them all pitched together and sent me money to purchase a second wig!!! I was so surprised! They surprised me on my disconnect day - so I was quite out of it and kept mumbling,”thank you” while they bought my 2nd choice wig! Not only that, but they gave me enough money that I have a chunk leftover to put toward bucket list items! I am absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from them! “Thank you” seems so very weak compared to the thankfulness I feel! Love them!
Blessed to be able to travel w Todd last weekend. We flew on Friday after chemo (yikes!) to Orlando for a meeting and were able to see my brother in law and his family. Tho nervous about flying that soon after chemo, I survived -- the worst part was sitting on the tarmac for an hour, mildly nauseated and feeling fluey! After loading up on drugs and we made it through - very thankful no puke bags were involved - tho I had them at the ready!
We only got to see them 1 day and then the next two I spent in bed! Pure exhaustion! Was so wonderful to lie in bed, watch HGTV(we do not have cable so this was a real treat!), fall asleep, and wake up, read, fall asleep and do it all over again- and then get dressed for dinner with friends -- yay!
The most amazing miraculous thing was Tuesday tho -- and some will say that it is coincidence. Coincidence explaines the energy, but not the joy! Tuesday after the meeting finished, Todd and I went to Epcot (lots of memories here as we took our kids there when they were tiny) We got to the park about 1:30 and left the park at 9:30 after the fireworks!! My phone said I walked 7.3 miles in one day!!!
Back to the joy -- All day, it was as though there was this effervescent bubbling spring in my soul! We had an absolute blast and made fun new memories! In my opinion, the sleep accounted for the energy, but God blessed me with the joy!
So why is this "different?"
Well, up until a few months ago, I have lived pretty stoically, (Germans are not known for their joy filled, fun personalities or for laughing a lot or for "playing") Without getting into all the details, tho much of my life has looked perfect, it has been far from that! My relationship with my parents was rocky at best. They loved me very much, but we spoke different love languages and I was a bit of a rebel (shocking, I am sure!). This all lead to trouble in many other areas of my life. I have wrestled with depression, perfectionism, spiritual warfare, marital issues, parenting issues, lack of self confidence and that is in incomplete list!
----Yet, despite all these things, we adopted Todd's 1/2 brother when we were 26 and he was 16, and in addition have raised 2 amazing, Godly men and rejoice to see faith in our grand daughter! I'm not bragging - the point of this is that I am painting this background because God is pushing me to offer HOPE.
I could have gone seriously south at many points of my journey - but He was faithful and kept yanking me back from the various precipices. Through this cancer journey, He has been the only thing that I could cling to. In clinging to him, particularly in the hopeless times, he taught me that joy comes from dwelling with him. It sounds impossible, and humanly speaking it is. Yet when you go back to scripture promises in your dark times, joy begins to grow. As you force your feet to walk the path you don't want to walk, and choose to praise Him anyway, peace becomes your companion and the joy continues to grow in tiny increments.
I have had the feeling for the last several months that my spirit was lighter and I came to recognize this joy that was unfamiliar to me...and I believe it is an ongoing process.
It's taken a cancer journey to heal my heart? My spirit?
Yep!
I am a different woman than I was in October of 2011. God had to blow up my life to teach me a loving lesson. I am more optomistic, more positive, sillier, hopefully funnier, more spontaneous, less caring of what people will say -- I am learning to play again - grandchildren have a way of teaching you that! Praise God for such a joyful lesson!
So where is all this going?
What was a horrible diagnosis has shattered the way that I lived. It has taught me to live with thankfulness and joy - and it just bubbles up. Hopefully I have a long time to practise living this carefree, joyful way of life!
So what?
Maybe something is not perfect in your life. Maybe you want to live a life of significance. Maybe you feel part of you is broken. Been there, done all of that!
I did not know about this kind of joy to ask for it and I'm not sure I would have had the guts to ask, because I didn't feel "good enough."
My dear friend - God can use anything submitted to him and bring about a miracle that you cannot envision. He did not create you just to use up oxygen and take up space. He loves you and He is able to do abundantly, immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine!
Give him your broken pieces. Watch for the picture to form as He makes a beautiful mosaic out of the broken bits. It's taken 6 years so far, so be patient - God specializes in miracles!
Thankful for:
Feeling good and having energy
Friends that care about me feeling good about myself, enough to buy me a wig!
Friends that gave so much that I have funds left over for bucket list items!
Friends that drive me around, run errands and help me cook and clean
A memorable joyful energetic day with the love of my life
Drugs that allow me to travel more comfortably
The board my husband serves on that seeks to make a difference for many schools
Winter finally arriving in SoCal
Family
The lessons that only children and grandchildren can teach
Air travel to be able to see my family
Scripture memory work that keeps me company when I cannot sleep
Friends all over the nation
God doing more than I could remotely ask or imagine
That God loves to make broken pieces into masterpieces
Love to y'all! Thanks for checkin' in!
Very inspiring post. What a great treat to go to Orlando and make more memories! Hugs you for your vulnerability and point it all to Christ.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post, Christine. Continued prayers & joy! ❤️
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, you look so cute in your new wig(s)!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks again for sharing your struggles and triumphs when our Lord is at the helm of our lives. So glad we share in the hopes and promises only He can bring.