A window into a cancer patient’s world -

Chemo 21 has not gone as smoothly as I would have liked.  

Having the kids here was a fabulous distraction, but I did not go through my pre-chemo psyche up routine, which I think has made this a bit more difficult.  Last chemo, they had trouble getting a blood return through my port (fluid goes in fine, blood does not come out) Evidently there is a closing flap inside that prevents bleeding.  It can get clotted over.  Last time they were able to get a blood return by using a smaller syringe.  I did not think much of it except to be very thankful that they got the blood return.  Wednesday did not go so well.  They ended up removing the dressing that holds the needle in (a 3 x 4 in piece of adhesive), rescrubbing my already raw skin and re sticking me.  Then they put more adhesive on, all to no avail.  I am dreading them taking it off today because even my nurse said that my skin was very sensitive.  We got permission from the doc to use the port for chemo this time, but today I have to have a clot busting chemical put into the port, wait 30 min, try for a blood return and if it does not work, repeat.
As I understand it from my friend who was with me on Wednesday, this is pretty common.  When it is the first time for you, it does not seem really common - and any way you look at it, those needles hurt.  It’s better than in the arm, but they still hurt.  Though I fought them, tears flowed, from fear and aggravation and frustration.  

On top of all that, I woke up last night with a sharp pain in my gut, right where a tumor is....you can imagine what that does to my thought process!  It aches all the time - no clue what that is about!  I'll ask when I go in today.

So for today, I am asking God to grant me strength to deal gracefully with the pain of removing the tape(yes they use the adhesive remover, but it is still rubbing across raw skin) and that they do get a blood return.  If nothing works, I have to have the port replaced, which is a surgical procedure.  I’m trying hard not to go there...

Hanging on to the song from Laura Daigle
When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You....

The point of this is not for your pity - but that you understand some of the things that grind down the resilience and spirit of a cancer patient.   I am blessed with a fabulous, loving group of friends that help me with all kinds of things.  My heart aches for the patients that come in by themselves - every step an effort, no one to shoulder the burden with them.  I am so thankful for all of our friends that have reached out and blessed us through their prayers and their time and their labor.  I am sure that we would not be doing as well if we had to shoulder this alone.  Thank you -thank you -thank you! Do not underestimate the power of your support — and if you are not able to be one of my helpers - who can you support? Run an errand, do laundry, drive, grocery shop, iron, clean, fix a meal or even organize a network of volunteers....You are blessed to be a blessing - Gen 12:2. 

I am certain today will go just as God has designed for it to go...I trust in Him...but it is hard!
Thanks for the prayers! Thanks for checkin’ in!

Stunned again –

Nausea controllable

Mouth sores this time around!

Pleural effusion pain in liver area is consistent – 

  Pain killers that I am on for the cancer do not have any effect on it!  I sit up very straight at

  the end of the day to make as much space in my gut as possible and ease the discomfort.  

Weight climbing  

Walked more this week – Yay!  

Sleeping a lot

Hydrated 2 times and remembered the heparin-lol - I think it does help a lot of the symptoms

Chemo 20 went smoothly – I was able to fly the day after with some discomfort, but the drugs kept it all at bay!  We flew to a conference in Orlando that is a favorite of ours, Association of Lutheran Secondary Schools. This draws friends from all over the country and it is like homecoming-great fun to see friends!  We always have a banquet and honor extraordinary leaders who have made a difference in the field of education.  I entitled this “Stunned again” because during the awards, the gentleman who runs ALSS, a dear friend, introduced an award and said the recipient would be surprised.   He said that it was a brand new award, one for servant leadership….and he called my name…

Have I mentioned that sometimes I don’t compute well?  It felt like slow motion – I thought maybe I had mis-heard... The ever present tears started up again and bless his heart,  Todd steered me across the room, up the steps and onto the stage —- and all the while I was trying to not cry (ha!)  What absolutely put me over the edge tho, was that I got a standing ovation!  

Me – a standing ovation!  

So when you are ADD, you have the gift of thinking about multiple things at once—so scrambled around in my brain were several trains of thought  - mostly “Why am I getting this? What the heck have I done?” That was tangled up with thoughts of not embarrassing myself and hoping that my nose would not run uncontrollably (no nose hair, means very runny nose and zero notice!)

My stomach was hiccupping so hard, I was afraid that the mic would pic it up!  Thank God, he kept me from totally sobbing, but barely!  Each recipient was seated on the stage for the rest of the presentations, and as I sat there and listened to other presentations – I was so humbled.  The people who were receiving awards had done some really amazing things - real leaders, survivors, catalysts for change and particularly, giants in the faith.  To be included in that group of people was –unbelievable and humbling is the only word i’ve come up with, but it is not inclusive of all of my feelings!  

One of the other recipients is a friend who battles every day, all the time against debilitating pain from a rare disease – yet she gets up, goes to work, works hard and makes a huge difference for the kingdom every day…She is not blessed to have pain free days like I get.  But she hangs on to God and perseveres in the face of great difficulty.   She has been a role model for me of how to bear up under adversity and cling to God.  She is the type to get awards like this– not me!  I was stunned to be honored with this recognition and totally blown away by the ovation – there were so many in the room that I did not think even had a clue who I was!  

The chairman of the board hugged me and told me he loved me and that I had no idea of how inspiring I really am.  He is right!  I don’t!  I am writing this blog out of obedience to God nudging me and pushing me to write –not because I am trying to be inspirational!  It stunned me that so many people said to me after the banquet that they were following my story – reading my blog—praying for me.  How many times have you had someone come up to you and say, “Hi, my name is blah blah blah and I follow your story through Todd’s posts, and have been praying with you and for you!”???  Unbelievably, I have had that often!  And each time, I choke up and try to find words to thank them…It is impossible to find the words to express my/our deep appreciation and humility!  

Call upon me in the day of trouble, I will deliver you and honor me -   Ps 50:15

So why am I sharing all this?  Well, I share everything with you- with very little exception – so why would I not share this amazing compliment?  Thanks for listening - it feels like I’m being self serving, but I have a point.  

I received this award because God blessed my obedience.  

He took my words and somehow he made them influential, motivating and helpful or whatever word fits for you.  I’m not sure how, because He does keep me humble so I don’t really feel influential or motivating-but that’s good, because if it felt like it was me who was so successful, then there would be little humility!  

As we walked back to the room,  I looked at Todd and at my award and said to him, “This is for me --?  Me?“ and then really burst into tears! The daze still has not worn off!  

So where I am going, is that God can take anyone’s obedience and do great things with it…

What is God encouraging you to do?

Who can you help?

What have you experienced that would help or bless someone else? 

What have you endured that you could encourage someone else with? We are supposed to reach out and help one another with the comfort that we received from God (2 Cor 1:4) – Who are you able to comfort?  This is a great way to witness!  Reach out and help someone - listen - share your own experience – share what made a difference for you.  Encourage someone.  You have no idea how much they need/want your encouragement.  Ask God to nudge you to know who you are to talk to and what you are to do.  

Is there a skill or talent you could share with someone? It does not have to be fancy!

Some of the friends we saw at the conference had helped me in very basic ways – helping me unpack when we moved in-organized cabinets-painted with me-checked on me when I was going through chemo the first time.  It does not take much to be an encouragement to others.  Invite them over for a cup of coffee and just listen!  Don’t get tangled in that, “I don’t have time” or “I have nothing to offer” or “They have it all together and don’t really need any help.”  ( No one has it all together!) 

Listen for God’s nudge and do what he says – right away so you don’t miss the blessing!  

God will do amazing things with your obedience!  Look what He’s done with my writing!  Who would have thought?  The day I had my first surgery in Milwaukee, Todd posted to say that I was ok after surgery and we had 600 hits in 24 hours….you will not be surprised  to know that I cried when he told me that – It was inconceivable to me that that even 60 people would care how I did in surgery – let alone 600!  That was in 2011.  1 week ago Todd sent me an e-mail and pointed out that I had 1315 hits in 24 hours....I cannot pretend to wrap my head around that...nor do I want to, lest I become arrogant!  Had I gone into this looking for anything other than obedience, it would never have worked.  I pray daily that I NEVER write for anyone but Him…I do not go and look at the stats EVER (Todd tells me once in a while) – lest they feed that all too human ego….

If you are feeling ordinary, let this blog be an inspiration to you – from one ordinary person to another!  Live by that old phrase, “Bloom where you are planted.”  Use what God has given you- look around and see who God is laying on your heart and mind – and then do whatever you are gifted to do or what he nudges you to do.  Give your efforts to God and do not worry about outcomes!  It’s our job to do our part and He will take care of the rest – BUT

I am betting that someone will be encouraged, helped, blessed and prayed for – and they might even be more open to hearing about God after you have met them where they are hurting!  

When you think you can’t have an effect, remember this little blog and what God has done with it!

Eph 2:10 says we are created to do good works which God has there for us to do.  You don’t know what God’s gonna do with your following through on His prompting.  Did you know that I had never been told I could write well?  Did I always have a nack for it and it just was never encouraged or did God pour that gift into my obedience??  Its not really important which way it happened – my point is – don’t limit yourself by what you think you can do – what you have done in the past.  He can do immeasurably more than you can ask or imagine – Look what He did with this!  

Be encouraged friends- you can make a difference right where you are!  

We are blessed with our kids in town and enjoying family time - hope that you are all well - thanks for checkin’ in!

We got another miracle!

Dear ones - prayer warriors all!! We received another miracle! There was no progression at all on my pet scan!!

I am completely stunned!  It never crossed my mind that I could have a “no progression” PET scan after there was progression!  I just thought it would always be progression in some form!  

So THANK YOU for all your prayers because it clearly was the prayers that made the difference!  My instinct told me this was not going to be a good scan - and God totally flipped that and changed our mourning into dancing!  I guess he has work for me to do!   Bring it!  

The discomfort I have been feeling in my liver area was identified as pleural effusion, which is fluid trapped between the pleural lining of the lung and the chest wall.  It can be the result of a virus (flue!) Since I am still coughing, they put me on antibiotics to work to get rid of the cough.  Hopefully as I heal from that, the pleural effusion will rectify itself!  

I will not die, but live and tell the works of the Lord!  Ps 118:17. We are so thankful for this reprieve!  I feel as though we have a new lease on life!  YIPPEE!  God is so awesome!  I was so sure there would be progression that I have just been shaking my head all day in amazement! The joy and love that I have received from every person that I have told just has blown me away!  We are honored to be loved and cared for and prayed for by so many people!  I am still in amazement!

Had to share the joy with ya'll!!!  Thank you so much for praying for me - especially during my PET scan — my cough acted up several times and it took 2 cough drops in 30 min - but the pictures were clear enough to show this great news!  Blessings and thanks to all of you! 

Thanks for checkin' in!