Joy to Share

Chemo went ok - overall not as bad as It could be

Weight creeping up 

Mouthsores - starting but controlled

Walking more

Sleep is not good - can’t seem to sleep more than 6 hours and I’m supposed to get 8

Fatigue is lower than usual

Achey but ok

Port stitches still coming up throught 

Nausea managed - 

Learning to wear a wig successfully (that means without fiddling with it all the time!)

So very blessed by our Orange Lutheran High School family !  A group of them all pitched together and sent me money to purchase a second wig!!! I was so surprised!  They surprised me on my disconnect day - so I was quite out of it and kept mumbling,”thank you” while they bought my 2nd choice wig! Not only that, but they gave me enough money that I have a chunk leftover to put toward bucket list items!  I am absolutely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from them!  “Thank you” seems so very weak compared to the thankfulness I feel!  Love them!

Blessed to be able to travel w Todd last weekend.  We flew on Friday after chemo (yikes!) to Orlando for a meeting and were able to see my brother in law and his family.  Tho nervous about flying that soon after chemo, I survived -- the worst part was sitting on the tarmac for an hour, mildly nauseated and feeling fluey!  After loading up on drugs and we made it through - very thankful no puke bags were involved - tho I had them at the ready!  

We only got to see them 1 day and then the next two I spent in bed!  Pure exhaustion!  Was so wonderful to lie in bed, watch HGTV(we do not have cable so this was a real treat!), fall asleep, and wake up, read, fall asleep and do it all over again- and then get dressed for dinner with friends -- yay! 

The most amazing miraculous thing was Tuesday tho -- and some will say that it is coincidence.  Coincidence explaines the energy, but not the joy!  Tuesday after the meeting finished, Todd and I went to Epcot (lots of memories here as we took our kids there when they were tiny) We got to the park about 1:30 and left the park at 9:30 after the fireworks!!  My phone said I walked 7.3 miles in one day!!!  

Back to the joy -- All day, it was as though there was this effervescent bubbling spring in my soul!  We had an absolute blast and made fun new memories!  In my opinion, the sleep accounted for the energy, but God blessed me with the joy!  

So why is this "different?"

Well, up until a few months ago, I have lived pretty stoically, (Germans are not known for their joy filled, fun personalities or for laughing a lot or for "playing")   Without getting into all the details, tho much of my life has looked perfect, it has been far from that!  My relationship with my parents was rocky at best.   They loved me very much, but we spoke different love languages and I was a bit of a rebel (shocking, I am sure!).  This all lead to trouble in many other areas of my life.  I have wrestled with depression, perfectionism, spiritual warfare, marital issues, parenting issues, lack of self confidence and that is in incomplete list! 

----Yet, despite all these things, we adopted Todd's 1/2 brother when we were 26 and he was 16, and in addition have raised 2 amazing, Godly men and rejoice to see faith in our grand daughter!  I'm not bragging - the point of this is that I am painting this background because God is pushing me to offer HOPE. 

I could have gone seriously south at many points of my journey - but He was faithful and kept yanking me back from the various precipices.  Through this cancer journey, He has been the only thing that I could cling to. In clinging to him, particularly in the hopeless times, he taught me that joy comes from dwelling with him.  It sounds impossible, and humanly speaking it is.  Yet when you go back to scripture promises in your dark times, joy begins to grow.  As you force your feet to walk the path you don't want to walk, and choose to praise Him anyway, peace becomes your companion and the joy continues to grow in tiny increments.  

I have had the feeling for the last several months that my spirit was lighter and I came to recognize this joy that was unfamiliar to me...and I believe it is an ongoing process.  

It's taken a cancer journey to heal my heart?  My spirit?  

Yep! 

I am a different woman than I was in October of 2011.  God had to blow up my life to teach me a loving lesson.  I am more optomistic, more positive, sillier, hopefully funnier, more spontaneous, less caring of what people will say -- I am learning to play again - grandchildren have a way of teaching you that!  Praise God for such a joyful lesson!  

So where is all this going?  

What was a horrible diagnosis has shattered the way that I lived.  It has taught me to live with thankfulness and joy - and it just bubbles up.  Hopefully I have a long time to practise living this carefree, joyful way of life! 

So what?

Maybe something is not perfect in your life. Maybe you want to live a life of significance.  Maybe you feel part of you is broken. Been there, done all of that! 

I did not know about this kind of joy to ask for it and I'm not sure I would have had the guts to ask, because I didn't feel "good enough."    

My dear friend - God can use anything submitted to him and bring about a miracle that you cannot envision.    He did not create you just to use up oxygen and take up space.  He loves you and He is able to do abundantly, immeasurably more than you can ask or even imagine! 

Give him your broken pieces. Watch for the picture to form as He makes a beautiful mosaic out of the broken bits.  It's taken 6 years so far, so be patient - God specializes in miracles!  

Thankful for:

Feeling good and having energy

Friends that care about me feeling good about myself, enough to buy me a wig!

Friends that gave so much that I have funds left over for bucket list items!

Friends that drive me around, run errands and help me cook and clean

A memorable joyful energetic day with the love of my life

Drugs that allow me to travel more comfortably

The board my husband serves on that seeks to make a difference for many schools

Winter finally arriving in SoCal

Family

The lessons that only children and grandchildren can teach 

Air travel to be able to see my family

Scripture memory work that keeps me company when I cannot sleep

Friends all over the nation

God doing more than I could remotely ask or imagine

That God loves to make broken pieces into masterpieces

Love to y'all! Thanks for checkin' in!

Flying High

Chemo 11 tomorrow I hope
Energy good
Nausea managed
Gaining weight
Still not walking enough
Cold on the way out -bloody noses still bothering me
Skin on hands and feet very troublesome - cracking/splitting
Diet has not been very good - gotta get back at it

Last chemo was slightly better than they had been, but I got a wicked headache on Friday -a reaction to the neulasta shot after disconnect.  Fortunately the excedrin for headaches knocked it down but it took the better part of the day to grab - lying in bed withe tears trickling into your ears is not comfortable, nor does it improve the headache! Aside from that though, the nausea did not last as long, not much hair fell out, the mouth sores were not as bad and did not last as long either! I am hesitant to get too excited because each chemo is different - but the ease of symptoms was a nice switch....

Have done a lot of wrestling with my wig - learning how to keep it on my petite head without using 30 bobby pins - lol.  If you cinch the adjusting strap too tight you get a headache, and if you don't cinch it tight enough, it slides back on my head...Trying to find that fine line!  Thanks for all the sweet compliments on it! Several people have asked if I got it cut for me and the answer is no - this is how this particular wig lies - so blessed! 
I have done a lot of sharing how hard this cancer journey is and wanted to share some joy with you --
This last Friday night, after a long nap, I got to go to my first OLu football game in over a year.  A friend that took me to chemo said she was going to the game, but would not be staying for the whole game. As it turned out, she was willing to give me a ride home 1/2 thru the third quarter!  Does not sound like a big deal - except that for me, it was huge!!  You can't really ask someone to take you to a game and leave before it is finished. Todd stays til the kids have walked off the field - by which point, exhaustion would have won!  That's why it's been over a year - because on good nights, I turn into a pumpkin about 9 p.m.
It was such a joy to go and be with Todd in his world, the world we used to share all the time, to see the kids, to see so many friends that I have not seen in so very long! I was just absolutely bouncing - so happy - chattering away with everyone...such fun!  It meant so much to Todd to have me there also!  Such a gift!

Saturday afternoon, I felt good enough to go with Todd to a funeral, which was hard, but good.  I could not see having Todd go by himself to watch a friend commemorate his wife.....Thankful I could go and be with him.  The extra blessing was that one of our students sang for the funeral - and he is one of my favorite singers -- sounds like Josh Groban!  So though many kleenexes got used, I would not have missed it!

Then, by God's great grace, I felt good enough (after another very deep nap) to go out with Todd to Taste of OLu and thoroughly enjoyed every minute!  It was another evening of connecting with people I had not seen in a long time and talking non-stop for almost 5 hours.  I talked to more people in 29 hours than I had in the last 4 months!!! wow!

This was such a gift!  I felt almost like my old self!  My old self would have stayed for the whole game and stayed at the Taste of OLu to help clean up so it was not too far off.  Cannot tell you how happy it made me!  Todd too :) I know there is no "cure" for stage IV colon cancer.  But if I could live the rest of my life this energetic - boy would that be an incredible blessing!!!

An added bonus is that I got to work at the thrift shop several times in the last two weeks - that is my happy place because the people are amazing and inspiring!  And after working for 3 hours today, I felt good enough to come home and tackle my endless to-do list!  Thank you God for giving me the gumption to do that!  

Ecc 7:14 - When life is good,
    be happy!

On another note - so happy to hear from people how much they like the wig pictures!  Many had big smiles as we laughed together about them.  
Also, very, very humbled that many people said they loved my blog....
True confessions---it is sometimes really hard to write and I don't always feel like I have a lot to share because things have gotten pretty routine now and I don't want to waste your time - there is not lots "new" or dramatic to tell you. I am honored that y'all continue to come back and read about my journey and adventures even when it isn't dramatic - just the day-to-day plodding along and praying for God's intervention.  Thanks for walking with us - you make it so much better! 

Thankful for
life - every minute of it
air conditioning
scripture to grant comfort and cure insomnia
birds playing in my fountain
my fantastic husband who is willing to help me anything
taking a break from my diet a little bit and enjoying it so much!
family who reaches out and provides prayer coverage and distraction
our "in-laws" or family "in-love" who have embraced, prayed and supported us so faithfully, 
   demonstrating what real family is like
insurance saying it will cover my wig!!! (miracle! very thankful!)
God continuing to provide for us through friends who share time, gifts or service to us
a friend sending me beanies and scarves for days when I am lying down all day!
a friend leaving during the 3rd quarter
no Santa Ana winds coming when forecasted for over the weekend
friends who drive me everywhere
the small surge of self discipline today and the joy of accomplishment
drugs to combat all the side effects
the joy that bubbles up in my heart even when it's chemo tomorrow!


Thanks for checkin' in!

Small Chuckle - Big Inspiration

Since I last posted, we have had wildfires come close to us - close enough to be on the brink of evacuating with cars packed and the evacuation line 2 blocks from us for 2 days!  It is a sobering experience.  We are so thankful that the winds shifted and we were not directly affected, but our hearts break for those who lost homes...

Health wise - fine - not walking enough tho 
sleep, weight, mouth sores all ok  
nausea there, but manageable
snotty/bloody nose continues - sinuses are crazy! smoke does not help!
mouth sores, night sweats, hot flashes, fair
skin on hands and feet are bothering me quite a bit - got a prescription salve for them, 
    but skin on feet has cracked open in places :(

Some thoughts from the wildfire - 
until you have lived through a wildfire with high winds, you don't get it
how fast it goes - how fires can start anywhere from the embers - how smokey it is - how tough it is to make headway - how the choppers continuously come to the reservoir to dip and get water, their sound becoming the background rumble throughout your day - how thankful you are for the firefighters, police, chopper pilots - how moving it is to see people coming together to help each other out, whether it is with offers to pick up children from school, house pets, house people, haul horses, empty homes, feed firefighters, feed those stuck in shelters, or comfort each other in loss...This is the case in many disasters - though the details may be different...It restores your faith in mankind.

I will never forget watching on TV and seeing my friend's house and the fire creeping toward it...She was stuck in traffic with no access to TV.  Her home is in an area where 6 homes burned to the ground 2 blocks away so there was lots of footage of her area.  We were able to pick out her home, see the fire engine in the driveway and watch, horrified as the fire climbed the slope toward her house.  (I learned that fires climb slopes more quickly than descending slopes - your trivia for the day!) One angle was gut wrenching - showing the house with flames above her roof!!!  As I burst into tears, another TV angle showed that it was the canyon BEHIND her house that was in flames, and not her house! Miraculously, the distance between the flames and the house was about 15 feet and the house did not catch on fire!!!  God truly intervened! The flames raced past her home, continuing up the canyon,and the firefighter that was dousing the slope was able to get on top of it!  Yesterday I visited her home and saw God's hand so clearly - there was a band of green (1/2 of each of the bushes) all the way along her fence  - the homes on either side showed fire damage to their fences. The bushes outside the fence were completely black and burnt...Yes, God surely intervened!


There have been so many disasters lately, wildfires in Montana, Northern California and in our neighborhood; hurricanes and flooding in Florida,Texas and in between, the Las Vegas shooting and that says nothing about all the "regular" awful stuff that is on the news or friends who have health scares or debilitating illnesses....There is little enough to laugh about!  In an effort to bring you a smile, I'm posting some of my wig pictures as they seem to be of great interest to lots of people!  Hope these make you chuckle a bit!  

To make you further chuckle, I went through great exercises to get these silly pictures to load so if it looks funny, that's why!  Technology and I sometimes have different ideas about life! ugh!  

Thankful for 
our first responders, firefighters, EMTs and policemen who worked round the clock shifts 
    fighting these awful fires
friends who accompany me to chemo
friends who come to visit

family - by blood, faith, or friendship
Healthy Cookies
My wig
technology that keeps me connected to you

cooler temperatures

wind dying down

medicine

energy

Ginny's shop - my wig fitter

My wonderful husband

faith that keeps me going

ability to attend events, travel
my beautiful yard w birds and flowers

Asking for
chemo to keep working
self discipline to get stuff done and 
to walk

Because life is hard, here is inspiring video that a dear, courageous, friend did for our students at Olu.  It will be and encouragement to you- Be blessed!
https://youtu.be/p2eJqJC3pJo

He who dwells in the shelter of the most high, 

   will rest in the shadow of the almighty.

I will say of the Lord, "he is my refuge and my fortress,

   my God in whom I trust."

Ps 91

Thanks for checkin' in!

Perhaps Chemo 10

Chemo 10 tomorrow, Tues the 3rd, I hope
Eyes have gotten drier - cant wear contacts as long and they go out of focus
Cold is still hanging on...
Bloody nose which makes blowing my nose embarassing and tough w a cold
Hot flashes and night sweats from the chemo (happens 2nd week) are uncomfortable
Skin on hands cracking/uncomfortable
     Trying different lotions - thx to those who sent me some
Hair thinning still - seems to slow down on the off week - but the chemo week is awfull!
Drinking Water is still a problem - could not until 11 days after chemo
Looking at wigs and have narrowed it down - will post my new 'do when I get it!
Chemo could be 50/50 tomorrow because of several things:
     Switching insurance, which just took effect
     Calendar error - IV vit C infusion prior to routine blood draw-it may affect numbers adversely
     Cold (which they did not notice last time - hoping that happens again!)
Have not walked as much due to cold and lethargy
Weight holding

We have a week off with no company,  tho the B&B fills up this weekend for a week :) Thankful everyone is willing to help when they come.

A window into one of the things that rattles around in my head when I have nothing else to do - HA!
I am coming to the tough realization that I need to ask for more help.  This is so challenging because I have always been the helper and not the help ee.  This realization has been made clear over the last month as this cold has taken a bunch of time to try and heal from which gave me down time to evaluate life.  Doctor's appointments and treatments take up a lot of time and basically kill one whole week.  The following week is when I cram in cold laser therapy and IV vit C, both of which take several hours.  It is when basic things like cleaning, buying groceries and running errands happen (hopefully) as well as food prep.  Bottom line is that I am not able to do as much of the things that I love - like going to OLu events with Todd,  puttering in the yard, sewing, talking to friends and volunteering.  Having realized that I need help and then putting that realization into action by reaching out to friends is a whole 'nother hurdle. It's that stupid independence thing - I want to be able to do it all!  Not that I was ever able to do that - so i should not balk at asking- right???  Jesus did say, "It is more blessed to give than to receive" in Acts 20:35, but it's hard to be in the receiving role - tho it would be so hard without those loving friends who give!
We are so thankful and blessed by all our friends who step up to help us - especially those who drive me to chemo, sit with me, drive me home and then drive me for my disconnect and hydration.  Those are long days and in some cases long drives and I am so thankful for the people who are willing to help us -- just don't want to wear people out! 

I was further blessed this week with the kindest, most empathetic, wig fitter!  She's so understanding and ordered in 4 more wigs to try and get the color right.  I really liked the very blonde one - made me feel like i'd spent the week on the beach - but everyone said it was just too light and it looked fake.  We tried on lots and lots of wigs- dark, very light - lots of in between and many of them made me look lion like -- I have a small face and a small head (no wise cracks please!) so the volume of hair was simply too much.  I got to learn about the types of wigs (synthetic or real hair; those that have a "scalp" look and those that don't) We tried all different kinds of colors and what happened each time was that I became overwhelmed by the process.  Taking a friend was so helpful because she was able to read my reaction and help me weed out and narrow down options-and voice her opinion!  Waiting to hear from the insurance company if they will pay for the wig- doubtful since they would not pay for my magic mouth wash to fight the blistering - but with a new insurance company "hope springs eternal"!!

This past week I was blessed by friend saying she would send me her scarves!  She also lent a loving, understanding ear since she has lost her hair. It has grown back so cute now - but she had an end date for her chemo...It's different when it is "chemo for life", so no chance to regrow my hair! Her encouragment was wonderful!  She had a wonderful quip for me -
"Chin up so your crown won't slip!"  It was such a sweet reminder that I am a child of the King and I wear his crown of rightousness, so no matter what I am dealing with, she reminded me to keep my chin up - even through the tears - 'cause God does love me!

Rarely do I attend an event by myself anymore - either because I have someone driving me or because Todd and I are attending together.   Sunday, I did attend a concert by myself and it awoke some pretty strong emotion in me.  As some of you know, I can talk about my situation with anyone without becoming too emotional.  The exception to that is talking/thinking about the possibility of Todd having to go it alone, much younger than we anticipated.  This always reduces me to a mess in about 15 seconds.  Well, it gave me insight as to how hard that would be - I was so thankful that the students did such a great job and afterward were so kind and distracted me from all my feelings...which leads me to...

Thankful for 
all your prayers, cause I firmly believe that is what is keeping me here!  We so appreciate it!
my drivers and friends who help me in so many ways
birds - hummingbirds, blue birds finches that all love my fountain!
cucumber mint lemonade - it goes down so much more easily than water!  
hair and wigs and friends that make me laugh
God's promises and his crown of righteousness
lighter weight means my engagement ring fits again (hadn't for years!)
being able to eat well
gigantic spiders that create my "halloween decorations" 
being able to do some chores
the opportunity to talk through other people's problems with them 
     (nice to spend brain cells on something other than cancer!)
friends that treat us to outings - great to laugh together
God being on the throne no matter how much evil there is in the world!  

Thanks for checkin' in!