To chemo or not to chemo ...

Chemo or no chemo?  That’s been the question for the last week and a half....

Thank you for your support and love through this time - for the prayers for peace.

This is such a difficult blog to write—I keep getting stuck - not knowing what to say...

After much much prayer and reflection, I have decided to no longer continue chemo treatment.  

Some of the thoughts that go into this decision are 

-the amount of time that would be added to my life by doing chemo is statistically only about 2 mos.

-the more chemo I do, the weaker my body becomes, thereby less able to bounce back from each 

  treatment

- the less I can bounce back, the less I can do things that help me feel better and also do fun things 

-the more treatments, the more likely of winding up back in the hospital since I’ve already had a tumor fever

We looked at the quality of life versus the quantity of life.  Sadly, either way,I don’t have a lot of quantity of life according to the statistics (which we know there are no statistics for Christine Moritz,  but we had to measure against something...)

We are continuing to pray for a miracle and we continue to believe that God CAN heal me—the sticking point is whether it is in His plan to heal me.  If it is not in His plan, sadly we say, “Thy will be done” and reach for the tissues.  

Because the chemo does not really increase the quantity of life by much, what’s the point?  Not doing chemo will improve the quality of my life by not being hooked up and having to run back and forth to the clinic and worrying about  infections etc. It will open blocks of time on my calendar to be able to rest and do what I want to do.   Confirmation of this, is that when I spoke to my oncology nurse yesterday (I’ve had her 3 times in a row now) her eyes filled with tears and she said, “I don’t blame you...” Further confirmation is that my family is totally supportive of this...they have watched me suffer and fight a long time!

Some people’s response to this news is shock and tears.  I am not quitting - still praying for my miracle.This is my reality, and this is how we are choosing to live, with our eyes wide open - thankful for every day- every moment we have been given!  Im not quitting  - i’m just fighting differently. Going back to the plan that we originally had.  Originally, we did not want to do chemo, and only caved when we saw how short my life span was to be.  If you remember, I went the alternative/integrative route for a year and felt great - unfortunately, it was not enough....  This route gives us the best shot at living each day instead of dying each day...

So after following my own advice from the last blog and journaling and reading and speaking with several people - this is our new reality!  

-less conversations about what to do with treatment

-more conversations about what to do with our “free time”

- more God appointments

-less stress with doc appointments

-more peace (yes - peace has come with this decision! Thank you for the prayers!)

-more time to grieve in a healthy way...

-more time to practice trusting...

I trust you Lord...I trust you - scared to death, but I trust you.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, 

                           the conviction of things not seen......I trust you Lord.....

I'm so thankful for the weight of this decision being off of me!  

   Next round of decisions? What alternative stuff will I continue to do with this to fight...not much has 

   worked up to this point.

Thankful for an appointment with a healing pastor on Sunday Morning...A great blessing - perhaps a 

   miracle.  Hopeful that it is my miracle - praying that I can overcome any doubt about this

Thankful that I still weigh over 100 lbs - praying for 110 but happy to not be lower

Thankful for God’s faithfulness in showing up last week for processing - for all the ideas he provided

Thankful for books like “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, which help to calm fears and explain scripture

Thankful for cooler weather - it has been a real blessing!

Thankful for naps which keep me going!

Thankful for my rollator walker/wheelchair (it is surreal to me that I need one, but yes - I am that weak! 

    Trying to get stronger.)

Thanks for checking in!

Great music to lighten my spirit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Even If lyrics by Bart Millard

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Another window into my world - decision making -

Another window into my world - decision making - 

It occurs to me that I should share my journey as to how to hear God’s will.  This is not a perfect way to do this. This is not the only way to do this -  It is just how I have done it in the past and it has blessed me.

God speaks through the bible, prayer, circumstances and the church (Godly counsel).  When I am seeking God’s will, I go to those 4 places.  

The bible is pretty straight forward.  Pick it up and read it.  Generally, my go to place when I am confused and struggling is the Psalms.  You can find just about every emotion in Psalms. ( Ps 119:105) Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

Before I read, I ask God to open His word to me - “Father, teach me what you need me to hear. Open your word so i can understand it.  Thank you for helping me in this.”

Prayer for some people is a one way street, “ God please do xyz....”

A richer form of this is to close your mouth and ask God to speak to you.  It takes self discipline to just listen and not talk.  Listen with your heart and your soul.  This is very difficult to describe, but you are listening for the tug on your heart, the gut insinct, sometimes it is a single word or phrase.  Write it down - and I usually date and time stamp it (tell you why later) Sometimes, on some subjects, this process takes a very long time - especially if you are trying to understand someone’s actions, or get guidance about what to do with your life.  As you revisit the topic, listen for the tug, the gut instinct, the single word or the feeling that God is drawing you down a path.  Rom 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer...

Circumstances are somewhat complex.  It refers to what is happening around the situation you are praying about.  For me, in this “to chemo or not to chemo,” I look at which doctor said what, and in what order, which one resonates to my heart more.  I listen to what friends mirror back to me  or say that they hear me saying. Hear random words/phrases that they say.   Observe what is happening.  Be aware of things happening around the situation that you are praying about.  Look for clues about what direction God thinks is best for you.

The Church refers to Godly friends - not necessarily the actual church body.  When you seek advice, it is wise to seek it from friends who are solid in their faith and in their walk with the Lord.  That being said, I have had it happen where someone I did not know made some random comment that played into my decision — God can use anyone!  Wisdom comes as you spend time processing with friends. They can mirror back to you what it is that they hear you saying.  I always journal this so that as I review the answers and the time stamps, I can see how God is leading.  It does not have to be elaborate journaling - but words/phrases are helpful.

Sometimes, you use all these techniques to hear God and you just do not get an answer.  Persevere!  Keep doing the things that you know are healthy.  Trust God to lead you through. Trust Him to bring you to an answer that brings you peace.  Peace is the litmus test about the answer.  If you have peace, you can be sure that your answer is God pleasing.  If you have not attained peace yet, hang on to God and keep on keeping on, even when it seems that there is no answer.  Sometimes God just needs us to hang on to him tightly and keep on trusting.  This trusting and hanging on builds our spiritual muscles- builds our spiritual strength- makes us stronger for the next time.

I am praying a prayer that as I go down this path, that God would bless the path that is His will and that He block the path that is not his will...  

To bless or to block....

We also pray for our friends to have wisdom as we chat with them and ponder all this.

Just wanted to share that because it is very frustrating when you want an answer, and are seeking an answer and seemingly it is a desert.   If you are helping a friend with a situation like this, or are going through your own desert of decision making, perhaps this can be a help.  

In the next day I need to decide whether I continue chemo treatments, or discontinue them...Very very heavy, scary decision.  Your prayers for our wisdom are appreciated!  Right now I have an appointment Tuesday morning for chemo treatment...Do we continue this journey or do we go back to what we originally thought - no chemo?  

If I were sure about my response to the chemo, it would be easy...but I could end up in the hospital again, very sick and very weak - so weak it takes a whole we to bounce partially back...Do we trade quality of life (as best as we know it) for quantity of life - and precious little of that!  What does this do to my time here........

Thanks for the prayers -we so appreciate them. Thanks for checkin in! 

Wish it were better news...

First of all- for those of you that heard of my last weeks adventures in the hospital, thank you for so prayerfully lifting us up.  It helped so much!   For those of you who stepped up so that Todd could be with me — thank you!  You gave us a gift! Thank you!

I am writing from home now, having gotten out on Friday afternoon - thank goodness!  Last Tuesday, I had my chemo infusion and all seemed normal, until evening when I spiked a 103 fever, which is a ticket directly to the ER with no questions asked.  In the ER they ran many tests to discover the source of my fever and came up with nothing - including 2 2 day cultures of blood and urine and a brain MRI.   Evidently, this is not unusual for cancer patients, but for us it was a first.  I have no memory of our trip to the ER, the tests, all the bouncing around from place to place in the hospital- nothing at all...I was really, really out of it.  It was just one series of pain medicine discussions after another because there were no beds on the oncology floor and the nurses on the regular floor were unused to such high doses.  Add to that nausea brought on by medicine given too swiftly and a miserably uncomfortable bed!  Todd was with me the whole time advocating on my behalf, explaining the medication and making sure they kept me as comfortable as possible.  I have very few memories from this as I think I was hallucinating a bit - not sure - not important - just painting the picture. The next night we got onto the oncology floor - which was much nicer as they understood my predicament.  

Thank you for your prayers.  Enduring such excruciating discomfort and being unable to fend for yourself is when you really need your prayer warriors to pray that 

you can fix your eyes on Jesus - even when you can’t focus them —-

you need them to pray scripture for you, cause you can’t remember it—-

you need them to pray for God’s presence, wisdom and peace because you don’t even know what day it is!  

When you have no clue what is going on - that’s when you desperately need your friends help - carrying you before God, like the friends who let their friend in through the roof so he could get to Jesus!  (Mark 2:4) You are such blessings!  Thank you!

( if you are wondering why you did not know about my hospital stay, I think Todd only posted under his name on FB but tagged me, so you can friend him if you really want to get all details as they occur - haha.)

Unfortunately, the CT scan that they took in the ER on Tuesday evening did not have good news.  Once again - much disease progression.  Once again, new lesions throughout the R lung and the liver tumor grew again.  This explains why I am a bit short of breath and why certain movements cause some sharp pains.  In addition, it explains why my belly is protruding.   I look like I could be pregnant.  As I began, I wish it were better news.  This means that the first round of chemo, while being tolerable, did not accomplish very much at all.  In fact, it appears to have done nothing.  

The recommendation from my oncologist is to do one more round of chemo, dose reduced, the PET scan and then go back to USC with the possibility of Plan B which is immunotherapy mixed with chemotherapy.  This would be fine if I were guaranteed a round like the first one, but I could end up like the second one again, which was really horrible.  I was definitely resting on heavens doorstep.  

So once again, we are in the unenviable position of needing to think about which direction we are going to go.  Chemo, or no chemo.  I trust you Lord, I have no clue what you are doing, and I am scared to death, but I trust you and I love you Lord.....show me the way....Everyone agrees that, short of a miracle,  I seem to have a short amount of time - if their crystal balls are correct.  How do I want to spend that time?  Lord have mercy....

As you lift us up, please pray that we have wisdom regarding what the best plan for my life is — what God’s will is!  And thank you - you have no idea how much we appreciate that!  

This song https://youtu.be/LqBpifDpNKc has been accompanying me on this journey - hope it blesses you.  

Thanks for your prayers and for checkin in!