Pain Pain Go Away

Pain, pain go away …

Christine originally wrote this blog to give folks a window into the life of cancer patient.  It was meant to bring hope and encouragement.  It is about pointing readers to Christ and His goodness.  These last few posts will be about how to die in faith – and preparing to meet your Savior face to face.

Todd is writing this – though mostly Christine’s thoughts and words.

This last week has been rough.  Very rough.  Pain every afternoon spikes greatly.  Even when we anticipate it with meds, the pain comes quickly and hard.  Morphine continues to rise each day with its effect seemingly weakening.  For comparison purposes, Christine was at 45mg a day in early July.  The last several days have been over 300 mg.

With increase morphine comes increased constipation.  The cancer itself has tumors all through the abdomen, which narrows the digestive track.  For stool to pass it must be soft, so lots of laxatives are taken.  Finding the right combination is impossible.  Because the morphine is changing, no one formula works.

The pain is horrible.  Worse than she has ever had.  The objective is to be pain free – but that is illusive.  Colon cancer claims to be the most painful form of cancer death.  I believe it must be true.

Food intake is limited – still just a few hundred calories a day.  But when food is taken, it has to be processed.  Which causes pain.

The week with family was wonderful.  Saying goodbye for the last time to my children was excruciating.  Words can’t describe the emotion.  Mentally alert, but hugging your son knowing you will not see him again.  All of us weeping … but with tears comes incredible pain for Christine (because of the abdomen tumors) so she tries to suppress the emotion.  It sucks, bad.

Today is quiet.  The pain is worse than ever.  It is the day of the Orange Lutheran 2018 Premiere.  The one huge event of the year.  We have been in ministry over 20 years and Christine has never missed many events – let along the big one.  Today she will not attend.  As of this writing, Todd needs to leave for the event in just a few minutes – but we don’t know if that is wise.  Faithful friends stay with Christine, but it isn’t the same.

So when will the end come?  God only knows.  But our prayers have turned.  We now pray for it to come quickly.  Christine is exhausted from the fight.  She has fought the good fight, done amazing ministry all her life – and now it is time to go to our heavenly home.

Our St. Louis church just concluded a message on Stranger Things.  One week’s topic was on heaven.  Most often in the Bible, heaven is described as a banquet.  Choice meats, fine wines, friends, family – a celebration.  We now eagerly await the celebration in heaven for Christine.

How long does she have?  Who knows.  Maybe a few weeks … maybe less … maybe just a handful of days.  But she is pretty stubborn and she could surprise us all J.

God is good – and we trust in His goodness.

Stay close to Jesus.  Hug your family.  Who knows when it will be the last time?

Thanks for checkin’ in.

·      Isaiah 25:6 - The LORD of hosts will prepare a lavish banquet for all peoples on this mountain; A banquet of aged wine, choice pieces with marrow, And refined, aged wine.

·      Revelation 7:16-17 - "They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

·      Revelation 3:20 - Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

·      2 Timothy 4:7-8 - I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Traveling the Road Home

Dear Friends.  This is Todd writing.

Christine wants to share an update, but unfortunately her health doesn’t allow her.

A brief update:

-       Pain continues to grow worse every day.  Now on quite a bit of morphine.

-       She has very little energy.  She is only up four or five hours a day, mostly in bed.

-       Time our sons and their family has been wonderful – but frankly a bit discouraging for Christine as she gets to spend so little time with them.  Hearing the laughter and cries of grandchildren are a blessing – and painful knowing she won’t hear them much longer.

-       Hospice goes as well as can be expected.

-       Her eating has almost stopped … just a couple of hundred calories a day.

God knows the number of our days – but it appears Christine’s are very limited.

So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.  Ps 90:12

Our time on earth is brief; the number of our days is already decided by you.  Job 14:15

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

1 Thes. 4:13-13

We are overwhelmed (literally) by the outpouring of love and support.  Thank you for all your cards and notes.  They are so appreciated.  We aren’t simply able to respond to many at this time. 

Thanks for checkin’ in – and for your prayers for my dear bride.

Picture taken September 23

Chemo to Palliative to Hospice....

Chemo to Palliative to Hospice....

Weight holding - 

Sleep pretty good

Pain hard to manage

Constipation a roller coaster

Tumors continuing to grow

Emotions a wreck

We celebrated the decision to not do chemo by taking a bucket list trip to Acadia Park in Maine.  We ate lots of lobster (well, actually, my stomach did not have much capacity, but for me, I ate a lot.)  We enjoyed gorgeous scenery, bonfires and wildlife... And because we went with some dear friends, we were insured lots of giggles and grins as well as great conversation.   

Layovers in Boston allowed us two special visits - one  with a healing pastor who prayed over me.  It is really hard to know if it was of any help, but we continue to hold out hope...

We also got to see a sweet friend who has been like a niece to me, and her husband - A great God appointment!  

Coming back was a welcome home to reality of weariness and continuing to wrestle with fear and pain....as tumors grow, which they do every day, pain increases.  As pain increases, fear increases...

It is a never ending circle. I am thankful for God’s promises to always be with me and never let me go.  

While we were gone, my ascites ramped up. (Ascites is the fluid build-up in your gut)  In my appointment with my palliative care doc, we talked about having it withdrawn with a needle (paracentesis) or putting in a little drain or trying to manage it with things like lasix.  Fortunately, the pills worked and i could avoid the paracentesis (whew). But constipation continues to rear it’s ugly head - just to keep me from being bored.  

It has been shocking to me how long it has taken to get back into the groove of having some energy...I am still quite exhausted from the trip, taking many naps.  Naps, of course, preclude doing fun things like getting together with friends - which is a bummer.   I am running out of time....last week I only had time for one fun outting - the rest  of my time was used up in napping and meetings.

This weeks meetings have been with hospice care...  I thought the chemo or no chemo decision was hard - HA!  Yes it opened blocks of time, but those blocks were used up by hospice....

Basically what happened is that my palliative care doc, who is absolutely wonderful, pointed out that I  should have things in place so that if I need help in the middle of the night, I do not have to go to the ER like last time.  Having things in place means signing up for hospice.  We do believe that we will have the best care for me, through hospice, but the psychological fall out is a little rough...  for the first time i am really feeling like i am running out of life to live...

I understand being a walking miracle—been there—and was astonished by it and thankful for it—but i am now fighting for energy, for a wish to eat, for calories, for pounds, for joy...

It is extremely difficult to live hunting for all of these things.   I don’t have energy for anything -things like getting up to walk across the room to get something just is not there...it affects how you view life and what you take on.

I do not want to whine, and i’m teetering dangerously close...

This is a window into my world-i have no energy and I’m fighting hard to keep my spirits up, with limited success.  I am staring death in the face...a scary, sad feeling.  

We have stayed busy with hospice stuff, but when the quiet comes, fear creeps in big time...

Reality like a hospice bed and oxygen coming tomorrow make you aware that time is ticking away...

All of this is why i have not written—words are absent—what can i say?  I am losing my battle and it is scary...i start to write and fall asleep....

 

Thanks to all of you who have sent flowers and notes and texts and cards...who have been supportive despite the silence...we appreciate it so much...

I am coming to realize that God probably will not do a healing -probably will not bring immediate relief.  It will probably be my lot to go home to Heaven early as so many do ....and basically i am fine with that-we just were thinking it would be a bit further down the road... like years. I feel a little young to be going... now though - I’m feeling really worn out from the pain and trying to manage everything ...

God is good - all the time!  Prayers are appreciated.  Thanks for checking in!

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

To chemo or not to chemo ...

Chemo or no chemo?  That’s been the question for the last week and a half....

Thank you for your support and love through this time - for the prayers for peace.

This is such a difficult blog to write—I keep getting stuck - not knowing what to say...

After much much prayer and reflection, I have decided to no longer continue chemo treatment.  

Some of the thoughts that go into this decision are 

-the amount of time that would be added to my life by doing chemo is statistically only about 2 mos.

-the more chemo I do, the weaker my body becomes, thereby less able to bounce back from each 

  treatment

- the less I can bounce back, the less I can do things that help me feel better and also do fun things 

-the more treatments, the more likely of winding up back in the hospital since I’ve already had a tumor fever

We looked at the quality of life versus the quantity of life.  Sadly, either way,I don’t have a lot of quantity of life according to the statistics (which we know there are no statistics for Christine Moritz,  but we had to measure against something...)

We are continuing to pray for a miracle and we continue to believe that God CAN heal me—the sticking point is whether it is in His plan to heal me.  If it is not in His plan, sadly we say, “Thy will be done” and reach for the tissues.  

Because the chemo does not really increase the quantity of life by much, what’s the point?  Not doing chemo will improve the quality of my life by not being hooked up and having to run back and forth to the clinic and worrying about  infections etc. It will open blocks of time on my calendar to be able to rest and do what I want to do.   Confirmation of this, is that when I spoke to my oncology nurse yesterday (I’ve had her 3 times in a row now) her eyes filled with tears and she said, “I don’t blame you...” Further confirmation is that my family is totally supportive of this...they have watched me suffer and fight a long time!

Some people’s response to this news is shock and tears.  I am not quitting - still praying for my miracle.This is my reality, and this is how we are choosing to live, with our eyes wide open - thankful for every day- every moment we have been given!  Im not quitting  - i’m just fighting differently. Going back to the plan that we originally had.  Originally, we did not want to do chemo, and only caved when we saw how short my life span was to be.  If you remember, I went the alternative/integrative route for a year and felt great - unfortunately, it was not enough....  This route gives us the best shot at living each day instead of dying each day...

So after following my own advice from the last blog and journaling and reading and speaking with several people - this is our new reality!  

-less conversations about what to do with treatment

-more conversations about what to do with our “free time”

- more God appointments

-less stress with doc appointments

-more peace (yes - peace has come with this decision! Thank you for the prayers!)

-more time to grieve in a healthy way...

-more time to practice trusting...

I trust you Lord...I trust you - scared to death, but I trust you.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, 

                           the conviction of things not seen......I trust you Lord.....

I'm so thankful for the weight of this decision being off of me!  

   Next round of decisions? What alternative stuff will I continue to do with this to fight...not much has 

   worked up to this point.

Thankful for an appointment with a healing pastor on Sunday Morning...A great blessing - perhaps a 

   miracle.  Hopeful that it is my miracle - praying that I can overcome any doubt about this

Thankful that I still weigh over 100 lbs - praying for 110 but happy to not be lower

Thankful for God’s faithfulness in showing up last week for processing - for all the ideas he provided

Thankful for books like “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, which help to calm fears and explain scripture

Thankful for cooler weather - it has been a real blessing!

Thankful for naps which keep me going!

Thankful for my rollator walker/wheelchair (it is surreal to me that I need one, but yes - I am that weak! 

    Trying to get stronger.)

Thanks for checking in!

Great music to lighten my spirit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Even If lyrics by Bart Millard

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul

Another window into my world - decision making -

Another window into my world - decision making - 

It occurs to me that I should share my journey as to how to hear God’s will.  This is not a perfect way to do this. This is not the only way to do this -  It is just how I have done it in the past and it has blessed me.

God speaks through the bible, prayer, circumstances and the church (Godly counsel).  When I am seeking God’s will, I go to those 4 places.  

The bible is pretty straight forward.  Pick it up and read it.  Generally, my go to place when I am confused and struggling is the Psalms.  You can find just about every emotion in Psalms. ( Ps 119:105) Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

Before I read, I ask God to open His word to me - “Father, teach me what you need me to hear. Open your word so i can understand it.  Thank you for helping me in this.”

Prayer for some people is a one way street, “ God please do xyz....”

A richer form of this is to close your mouth and ask God to speak to you.  It takes self discipline to just listen and not talk.  Listen with your heart and your soul.  This is very difficult to describe, but you are listening for the tug on your heart, the gut insinct, sometimes it is a single word or phrase.  Write it down - and I usually date and time stamp it (tell you why later) Sometimes, on some subjects, this process takes a very long time - especially if you are trying to understand someone’s actions, or get guidance about what to do with your life.  As you revisit the topic, listen for the tug, the gut instinct, the single word or the feeling that God is drawing you down a path.  Rom 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer...

Circumstances are somewhat complex.  It refers to what is happening around the situation you are praying about.  For me, in this “to chemo or not to chemo,” I look at which doctor said what, and in what order, which one resonates to my heart more.  I listen to what friends mirror back to me  or say that they hear me saying. Hear random words/phrases that they say.   Observe what is happening.  Be aware of things happening around the situation that you are praying about.  Look for clues about what direction God thinks is best for you.

The Church refers to Godly friends - not necessarily the actual church body.  When you seek advice, it is wise to seek it from friends who are solid in their faith and in their walk with the Lord.  That being said, I have had it happen where someone I did not know made some random comment that played into my decision — God can use anyone!  Wisdom comes as you spend time processing with friends. They can mirror back to you what it is that they hear you saying.  I always journal this so that as I review the answers and the time stamps, I can see how God is leading.  It does not have to be elaborate journaling - but words/phrases are helpful.

Sometimes, you use all these techniques to hear God and you just do not get an answer.  Persevere!  Keep doing the things that you know are healthy.  Trust God to lead you through. Trust Him to bring you to an answer that brings you peace.  Peace is the litmus test about the answer.  If you have peace, you can be sure that your answer is God pleasing.  If you have not attained peace yet, hang on to God and keep on keeping on, even when it seems that there is no answer.  Sometimes God just needs us to hang on to him tightly and keep on trusting.  This trusting and hanging on builds our spiritual muscles- builds our spiritual strength- makes us stronger for the next time.

I am praying a prayer that as I go down this path, that God would bless the path that is His will and that He block the path that is not his will...  

To bless or to block....

We also pray for our friends to have wisdom as we chat with them and ponder all this.

Just wanted to share that because it is very frustrating when you want an answer, and are seeking an answer and seemingly it is a desert.   If you are helping a friend with a situation like this, or are going through your own desert of decision making, perhaps this can be a help.  

In the next day I need to decide whether I continue chemo treatments, or discontinue them...Very very heavy, scary decision.  Your prayers for our wisdom are appreciated!  Right now I have an appointment Tuesday morning for chemo treatment...Do we continue this journey or do we go back to what we originally thought - no chemo?  

If I were sure about my response to the chemo, it would be easy...but I could end up in the hospital again, very sick and very weak - so weak it takes a whole we to bounce partially back...Do we trade quality of life (as best as we know it) for quantity of life - and precious little of that!  What does this do to my time here........

Thanks for the prayers -we so appreciate them. Thanks for checkin in! 

Wish it were better news...

First of all- for those of you that heard of my last weeks adventures in the hospital, thank you for so prayerfully lifting us up.  It helped so much!   For those of you who stepped up so that Todd could be with me — thank you!  You gave us a gift! Thank you!

I am writing from home now, having gotten out on Friday afternoon - thank goodness!  Last Tuesday, I had my chemo infusion and all seemed normal, until evening when I spiked a 103 fever, which is a ticket directly to the ER with no questions asked.  In the ER they ran many tests to discover the source of my fever and came up with nothing - including 2 2 day cultures of blood and urine and a brain MRI.   Evidently, this is not unusual for cancer patients, but for us it was a first.  I have no memory of our trip to the ER, the tests, all the bouncing around from place to place in the hospital- nothing at all...I was really, really out of it.  It was just one series of pain medicine discussions after another because there were no beds on the oncology floor and the nurses on the regular floor were unused to such high doses.  Add to that nausea brought on by medicine given too swiftly and a miserably uncomfortable bed!  Todd was with me the whole time advocating on my behalf, explaining the medication and making sure they kept me as comfortable as possible.  I have very few memories from this as I think I was hallucinating a bit - not sure - not important - just painting the picture. The next night we got onto the oncology floor - which was much nicer as they understood my predicament.  

Thank you for your prayers.  Enduring such excruciating discomfort and being unable to fend for yourself is when you really need your prayer warriors to pray that 

you can fix your eyes on Jesus - even when you can’t focus them —-

you need them to pray scripture for you, cause you can’t remember it—-

you need them to pray for God’s presence, wisdom and peace because you don’t even know what day it is!  

When you have no clue what is going on - that’s when you desperately need your friends help - carrying you before God, like the friends who let their friend in through the roof so he could get to Jesus!  (Mark 2:4) You are such blessings!  Thank you!

( if you are wondering why you did not know about my hospital stay, I think Todd only posted under his name on FB but tagged me, so you can friend him if you really want to get all details as they occur - haha.)

Unfortunately, the CT scan that they took in the ER on Tuesday evening did not have good news.  Once again - much disease progression.  Once again, new lesions throughout the R lung and the liver tumor grew again.  This explains why I am a bit short of breath and why certain movements cause some sharp pains.  In addition, it explains why my belly is protruding.   I look like I could be pregnant.  As I began, I wish it were better news.  This means that the first round of chemo, while being tolerable, did not accomplish very much at all.  In fact, it appears to have done nothing.  

The recommendation from my oncologist is to do one more round of chemo, dose reduced, the PET scan and then go back to USC with the possibility of Plan B which is immunotherapy mixed with chemotherapy.  This would be fine if I were guaranteed a round like the first one, but I could end up like the second one again, which was really horrible.  I was definitely resting on heavens doorstep.  

So once again, we are in the unenviable position of needing to think about which direction we are going to go.  Chemo, or no chemo.  I trust you Lord, I have no clue what you are doing, and I am scared to death, but I trust you and I love you Lord.....show me the way....Everyone agrees that, short of a miracle,  I seem to have a short amount of time - if their crystal balls are correct.  How do I want to spend that time?  Lord have mercy....

As you lift us up, please pray that we have wisdom regarding what the best plan for my life is — what God’s will is!  And thank you - you have no idea how much we appreciate that!  

This song https://youtu.be/LqBpifDpNKc has been accompanying me on this journey - hope it blesses you.  

Thanks for your prayers and for checkin in!