To chemo or not to chemo ...

Chemo or no chemo?  That’s been the question for the last week and a half....

Thank you for your support and love through this time - for the prayers for peace.

This is such a difficult blog to write—I keep getting stuck - not knowing what to say...

After much much prayer and reflection, I have decided to no longer continue chemo treatment.  

Some of the thoughts that go into this decision are 

-the amount of time that would be added to my life by doing chemo is statistically only about 2 mos.

-the more chemo I do, the weaker my body becomes, thereby less able to bounce back from each 

  treatment

- the less I can bounce back, the less I can do things that help me feel better and also do fun things 

-the more treatments, the more likely of winding up back in the hospital since I’ve already had a tumor fever

We looked at the quality of life versus the quantity of life.  Sadly, either way,I don’t have a lot of quantity of life according to the statistics (which we know there are no statistics for Christine Moritz,  but we had to measure against something...)

We are continuing to pray for a miracle and we continue to believe that God CAN heal me—the sticking point is whether it is in His plan to heal me.  If it is not in His plan, sadly we say, “Thy will be done” and reach for the tissues.  

Because the chemo does not really increase the quantity of life by much, what’s the point?  Not doing chemo will improve the quality of my life by not being hooked up and having to run back and forth to the clinic and worrying about  infections etc. It will open blocks of time on my calendar to be able to rest and do what I want to do.   Confirmation of this, is that when I spoke to my oncology nurse yesterday (I’ve had her 3 times in a row now) her eyes filled with tears and she said, “I don’t blame you...” Further confirmation is that my family is totally supportive of this...they have watched me suffer and fight a long time!

Some people’s response to this news is shock and tears.  I am not quitting - still praying for my miracle.This is my reality, and this is how we are choosing to live, with our eyes wide open - thankful for every day- every moment we have been given!  Im not quitting  - i’m just fighting differently. Going back to the plan that we originally had.  Originally, we did not want to do chemo, and only caved when we saw how short my life span was to be.  If you remember, I went the alternative/integrative route for a year and felt great - unfortunately, it was not enough....  This route gives us the best shot at living each day instead of dying each day...

So after following my own advice from the last blog and journaling and reading and speaking with several people - this is our new reality!  

-less conversations about what to do with treatment

-more conversations about what to do with our “free time”

- more God appointments

-less stress with doc appointments

-more peace (yes - peace has come with this decision! Thank you for the prayers!)

-more time to grieve in a healthy way...

-more time to practice trusting...

I trust you Lord...I trust you - scared to death, but I trust you.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, 

                           the conviction of things not seen......I trust you Lord.....

I'm so thankful for the weight of this decision being off of me!  

   Next round of decisions? What alternative stuff will I continue to do with this to fight...not much has 

   worked up to this point.

Thankful for an appointment with a healing pastor on Sunday Morning...A great blessing - perhaps a 

   miracle.  Hopeful that it is my miracle - praying that I can overcome any doubt about this

Thankful that I still weigh over 100 lbs - praying for 110 but happy to not be lower

Thankful for God’s faithfulness in showing up last week for processing - for all the ideas he provided

Thankful for books like “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn, which help to calm fears and explain scripture

Thankful for cooler weather - it has been a real blessing!

Thankful for naps which keep me going!

Thankful for my rollator walker/wheelchair (it is surreal to me that I need one, but yes - I am that weak! 

    Trying to get stronger.)

Thanks for checking in!

Great music to lighten my spirit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

Even If lyrics by Bart Millard

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul