More reality

Insurance approved the placement of my port.  Monday at 9:30 I check in. 

    Will be done outpatient under a local anesthesia – can hardly wait – (not!)

Should hear shortly about the chemo authorization. 

   The infusion nurse said that some patients start their chemo the day that they

   get their port placed… not sure how I feel about that. 

Because of my increased activity this week, have had to take extra break thru medicine,

   which makes me sad because it indicates that I’m not doing as well. 

Had an appointment that went well!  My dentist said that my mouth is very clean

  and healthy!  He  was surprised with everything over the last year that it was so

  good!  Do you know how exciting it is to have a good appointment???

So how am I doing? crabby and grumpy

Hard day --Today was another slap in the face of reality.  Until I had an appointment to place the port, I was able to pretend that life was normal, and because I have felt good, there are lots of activities that I‘ve done (well, lots based on my new normal – not lots based on the Christine of prior times.)  Several days this week, I got to the end of the day exhausted but happy because I got to serve at the thrift shop, putter in the yard, visit with a friend or accomplish some domestic task – or all of the above! 

Having the appointment set, all of a sudden brings it home that this is, in fact, happening!  It brought home the reality that my “feeling good-freedom” is gonna end soon; that all of a sudden a schedule is going to intrude itself onto my calendar interfering with vacation plans, plans to see kids, plans to see friends….

And there is always the uncertainty of how I will physically handle the drugs.  The oncologist says I will do well – that it is more easily tolerated than many other chemotherapies….The skeptic in me is not quite as optimistic…. I shed some tears again today, mad at the intrusion of this beast onto our lives….

Pretty low today, which requires a review of the many things to be thankful for in order for me to keep perspective:

- going to work at the thrift shop and get encouragement and inspiration from the

  many people who serve there, despite struggling with their own ailments. 

- being able to contribute, serve and think of other things than me

- conversations I have with people–mostly about faith–how to hang on to God

- a great dentist appointment

- breakthru drugs for when I hurt

- friends who loan me or give me clothes when I am sick of my own

   (haven’t shopped in over a year!)

- technology that keeps me connected with my across-the-US friends

- my hands and feet getting a chance to heal from the xeloda

- dear friends offering to help in any way

- feeling good enough to attend end of year activities at school with Todd

- seeing miracles in the lives of friends

- God’s word – especially on U Version that will play scripture all night if that is

  how long I'm awake! Listened from Romans through Colossians one night before I

   finally fell all the way asleep! LOL

- hummingbirds

- prayers with friends

- Verses that jump out at me like:

Jer 33:3 Call to me Christine and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know- like how to order your calendar!

Matt 19:26 With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible!!!

Ps 50:15  Call upon me in the day of trouble. 

     I will deliver you and you will honor me!  (Yes I will!)

Matt 11:28 Come to me all you who are weary and burdened

    and I will give you rest.

Gen 15:1 Do not be afraid Christine –

    I am your shield and your very great reward!!

Ps 34:7 The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him

    And he delivers them…

Thanks for checkin’ in – You are the best medicine! 

On another note, based on some of the notes we have received, I can tell that people who have not seen me recently, think that I am very weak, wasting away and ready for the angels excort to heaven.   That could not be farther from the truth!  What makes this so hard for people to “get” is that I look “normal.”  My infusion tech put it well –“ your aura is of a healthy person.”  I walk fairly briskly and since I am on the better pain management program, I am relatively perky-of course that is just til nap time – lol!  It just goes to show – don’t judge a book by it’s cover!!  Just because you look fine, does not mean you can skip your screenings!  Go – do not wait!  You are better off to find out what is going on than pretending everything is just fine!!