Pain Pain Go Away

Pain, pain go away …

Christine originally wrote this blog to give folks a window into the life of cancer patient.  It was meant to bring hope and encouragement.  It is about pointing readers to Christ and His goodness.  These last few posts will be about how to die in faith – and preparing to meet your Savior face to face.

Todd is writing this – though mostly Christine’s thoughts and words.

This last week has been rough.  Very rough.  Pain every afternoon spikes greatly.  Even when we anticipate it with meds, the pain comes quickly and hard.  Morphine continues to rise each day with its effect seemingly weakening.  For comparison purposes, Christine was at 45mg a day in early July.  The last several days have been over 300 mg.

With increase morphine comes increased constipation.  The cancer itself has tumors all through the abdomen, which narrows the digestive track.  For stool to pass it must be soft, so lots of laxatives are taken.  Finding the right combination is impossible.  Because the morphine is changing, no one formula works.

The pain is horrible.  Worse than she has ever had.  The objective is to be pain free – but that is illusive.  Colon cancer claims to be the most painful form of cancer death.  I believe it must be true.

Food intake is limited – still just a few hundred calories a day.  But when food is taken, it has to be processed.  Which causes pain.

The week with family was wonderful.  Saying goodbye for the last time to my children was excruciating.  Words can’t describe the emotion.  Mentally alert, but hugging your son knowing you will not see him again.  All of us weeping … but with tears comes incredible pain for Christine (because of the abdomen tumors) so she tries to suppress the emotion.  It sucks, bad.

Today is quiet.  The pain is worse than ever.  It is the day of the Orange Lutheran 2018 Premiere.  The one huge event of the year.  We have been in ministry over 20 years and Christine has never missed many events – let along the big one.  Today she will not attend.  As of this writing, Todd needs to leave for the event in just a few minutes – but we don’t know if that is wise.  Faithful friends stay with Christine, but it isn’t the same.

So when will the end come?  God only knows.  But our prayers have turned.  We now pray for it to come quickly.  Christine is exhausted from the fight.  She has fought the good fight, done amazing ministry all her life – and now it is time to go to our heavenly home.

Our St. Louis church just concluded a message on Stranger Things.  One week’s topic was on heaven.  Most often in the Bible, heaven is described as a banquet.  Choice meats, fine wines, friends, family – a celebration.  We now eagerly await the celebration in heaven for Christine.

How long does she have?  Who knows.  Maybe a few weeks … maybe less … maybe just a handful of days.  But she is pretty stubborn and she could surprise us all J.

God is good – and we trust in His goodness.

Stay close to Jesus.  Hug your family.  Who knows when it will be the last time?

Thanks for checkin’ in.

·      Isaiah 25:6 - The LORD of hosts will prepare a lavish banquet for all peoples on this mountain; A banquet of aged wine, choice pieces with marrow, And refined, aged wine.

·      Revelation 7:16-17 - "They will hunger no longer, nor thirst anymore; nor will the sun beat down on them, nor any heat; for the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd, and will guide them to springs of the water of life; and God will wipe every tear from their eyes."

·      Revelation 3:20 - Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

·      2 Timothy 4:7-8 - I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

Traveling the Road Home

Dear Friends.  This is Todd writing.

Christine wants to share an update, but unfortunately her health doesn’t allow her.

A brief update:

-       Pain continues to grow worse every day.  Now on quite a bit of morphine.

-       She has very little energy.  She is only up four or five hours a day, mostly in bed.

-       Time our sons and their family has been wonderful – but frankly a bit discouraging for Christine as she gets to spend so little time with them.  Hearing the laughter and cries of grandchildren are a blessing – and painful knowing she won’t hear them much longer.

-       Hospice goes as well as can be expected.

-       Her eating has almost stopped … just a couple of hundred calories a day.

God knows the number of our days – but it appears Christine’s are very limited.

So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.  Ps 90:12

Our time on earth is brief; the number of our days is already decided by you.  Job 14:15

Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.

1 Thes. 4:13-13

We are overwhelmed (literally) by the outpouring of love and support.  Thank you for all your cards and notes.  They are so appreciated.  We aren’t simply able to respond to many at this time. 

Thanks for checkin’ in – and for your prayers for my dear bride.

Picture taken September 23

Chemo to Palliative to Hospice....

Chemo to Palliative to Hospice....

Weight holding - 

Sleep pretty good

Pain hard to manage

Constipation a roller coaster

Tumors continuing to grow

Emotions a wreck

We celebrated the decision to not do chemo by taking a bucket list trip to Acadia Park in Maine.  We ate lots of lobster (well, actually, my stomach did not have much capacity, but for me, I ate a lot.)  We enjoyed gorgeous scenery, bonfires and wildlife... And because we went with some dear friends, we were insured lots of giggles and grins as well as great conversation.   

Layovers in Boston allowed us two special visits - one  with a healing pastor who prayed over me.  It is really hard to know if it was of any help, but we continue to hold out hope...

We also got to see a sweet friend who has been like a niece to me, and her husband - A great God appointment!  

Coming back was a welcome home to reality of weariness and continuing to wrestle with fear and pain....as tumors grow, which they do every day, pain increases.  As pain increases, fear increases...

It is a never ending circle. I am thankful for God’s promises to always be with me and never let me go.  

While we were gone, my ascites ramped up. (Ascites is the fluid build-up in your gut)  In my appointment with my palliative care doc, we talked about having it withdrawn with a needle (paracentesis) or putting in a little drain or trying to manage it with things like lasix.  Fortunately, the pills worked and i could avoid the paracentesis (whew). But constipation continues to rear it’s ugly head - just to keep me from being bored.  

It has been shocking to me how long it has taken to get back into the groove of having some energy...I am still quite exhausted from the trip, taking many naps.  Naps, of course, preclude doing fun things like getting together with friends - which is a bummer.   I am running out of time....last week I only had time for one fun outting - the rest  of my time was used up in napping and meetings.

This weeks meetings have been with hospice care...  I thought the chemo or no chemo decision was hard - HA!  Yes it opened blocks of time, but those blocks were used up by hospice....

Basically what happened is that my palliative care doc, who is absolutely wonderful, pointed out that I  should have things in place so that if I need help in the middle of the night, I do not have to go to the ER like last time.  Having things in place means signing up for hospice.  We do believe that we will have the best care for me, through hospice, but the psychological fall out is a little rough...  for the first time i am really feeling like i am running out of life to live...

I understand being a walking miracle—been there—and was astonished by it and thankful for it—but i am now fighting for energy, for a wish to eat, for calories, for pounds, for joy...

It is extremely difficult to live hunting for all of these things.   I don’t have energy for anything -things like getting up to walk across the room to get something just is not there...it affects how you view life and what you take on.

I do not want to whine, and i’m teetering dangerously close...

This is a window into my world-i have no energy and I’m fighting hard to keep my spirits up, with limited success.  I am staring death in the face...a scary, sad feeling.  

We have stayed busy with hospice stuff, but when the quiet comes, fear creeps in big time...

Reality like a hospice bed and oxygen coming tomorrow make you aware that time is ticking away...

All of this is why i have not written—words are absent—what can i say?  I am losing my battle and it is scary...i start to write and fall asleep....

 

Thanks to all of you who have sent flowers and notes and texts and cards...who have been supportive despite the silence...we appreciate it so much...

I am coming to realize that God probably will not do a healing -probably will not bring immediate relief.  It will probably be my lot to go home to Heaven early as so many do ....and basically i am fine with that-we just were thinking it would be a bit further down the road... like years. I feel a little young to be going... now though - I’m feeling really worn out from the pain and trying to manage everything ...

God is good - all the time!  Prayers are appreciated.  Thanks for checking in!

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Proverbs 18:10 The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe.

Nehemiah 8:10 Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.