New Chemo ....

Overall, it has been a good 2 weeks
Picked up a few pounds and am holdin’ them
Gave up on walking
Sleeping a fair bit, 
Trying really hard to balance the pain medicine with the pooping meds, as the lack of pooping can cause lots of pain. (Ya hafta laugh when you can)
Pain meds make me really emotional-can’t do much about that-please pass the tissues!
Neuropathy is a new (for this round) beast-but it is not as awfull as it could be. 
Mouth sores not a problem yet-yay!
Gut swelling up a bit-looks a little like I’m pregnant...
Drinking water is still difficult -it just does not taste good...

Not having any idea what to expect, I went into this week with many prayers, an open mind and hoped for the best.  God has blessed me richly!!  Rather than one week down and one up, this has been more uniformly spread out-not quite so sick the first week, but lasting into the second week for longer.

The nausea has been fair, not nearly as bad as it could have been!  Praise you Jesus!  The medicine that I have, has kept it under control.  Nausea is lasting longer than it used to and i am praying that it means that the chemo is working and killing the cancer!  
The pain in my gut has been difficult to control, but I’m getting better at that. Pain management is such an art form with a long learning curve...
Eating has been fair-not great, but i can eat.  Nothing really sounds good, when asked what i want, but when i eat it tastes ok-so I’m very thankful for that!
I’m sleeping a lot. The first week, i slept less than normal( for a chemo week.) The second week, I’m sleeping more than normal.  So weird! 

After review with the palliative doc, i realized that it hurts my gut to walk, so I am just thankful to be outside when I can be. This is a real loss of independence for me tho.  I have always been a walker and understanding that it was causing a fair bit of my pain in the mornings really makes me sad.  To me walking  was always a sign of being healthy or working toward being healthier and it brought much joy.  Not walking obviously means that i don’t have that hope of getting better, which is quite a blow...  
It is similar to having to trade cars with Todd. My cut little red zoomer is a clutch, which i love, but using my abs to shift was not helpful and escalated my pain level... all this makes me sad.

Neuropathy is nerve pain.  For me, with this chemo, it shows up in both my hands and feet when in contact with heat or cold.  Taking things from the fridge I have to use a towel or hot pad.  Same with pouring salad dressing, drinks, handling cold packages like left overs.  I have been blessed tho that my mouth is not too terribly sensitive yet.  Food can be pretty warm.  Cold I have to be a bit more careful of. In my mouth, it is a true freezing sensation, whereas my hands feel like an electrical shock traveling up my hands. While this is unpleasant, i am thankful it is not worse.  

Chemo brain is worse than it had been-simple things are harder for me to figure out. Yuck!

All this sounds clean, analytical and straightforward-but then there are the emotions...When lying down to take a nap, the brain wont stop processing...tears well up and won’t stop.  I say memory work and then pray  to try and stem the tide.....“Lord I’m scared-so scared as my gut swells up and pokes out, my breath is short with no exhertion ...i trust you lord-i love you lord -but I’m so sad and don’t want to leave my family.”  Tears flow non stop.....
Is 26:3 You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is fixed on you—
Lord, help me fix my mind on you and not on my fear...
It feels like i have just hit the best part of my life...i want to stay and relish it
-but not my will-yours Lord. 

Yet in retrospect, You have blessed me so richly...Thank you for
-An unexpected trip back to Montana with a trip to Idaho thrown in for good measure—
-the beauty of nature mixed with the joy of granddaughters pretend play and expanding vocabulary...
-the peace of sitting by a lake and watching the birds
-the comfort of loving conversations, especially hard ones. The “what if’s” of family and friends that walk with you as you stumble the road home to heaven, helping you figure out how to do this hard thing with hope and faith.  It is not easy to truly put your hope in God when “the earth gives way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea” (Ps 46)or it seems like they are... to hold fast to words and promises when your body is rebelling.... 
I got distracted from my thankful list-
So many God stories-
-Thank you for moving my connecting flight from a separate terminal to the gate right next door to my plane 
-For guarding my mom’s bracelet when it flew off at TSA inspection (I’ve lost enough weight that my jewelry is not fitting well anymore)
-For the smoke not being as thick as predicted 
-For our granddaughters joy over my mother’s tea set
-For the tea set making it to Montana unbroken!
-For dear friends who help with all kinds of weird details
-For loving, encouraging texts from so many people 
-For my amazing husband who arranges all my travel plans and views each as a gift he is giving me

These are the kind of things that i am thankful for and that drive the tears away, in combination with “I love you Lord-i trust you Lord-I do not like what’s happening, but i trust you-your will be done...”

So there’s a window into my world the last two weeks-I’m making it-deeply thankful -prayerfully anticipating next Tuesday’s chemo again, hopeful that it will do its work.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...Phil4:13

Thank you so much for your loving check ins with me as to how i am doing.  Your kindness and love encourages me to stand firm on God’s strength and love.  Praying a good weekend for y’all-each one!
Thanks for loving us through this—you truly are strength for us-sharing God’s love and strength...
Thanks for checkin’ in!