Pushing through

Mouth sores coming and going
Good off week - nice energy, but sleeping well
Trying hard to drink a lot of water - averaging about 70 oz a day
Walking more - but really noticing how depleted my stamina and muscles are - i come home so exhausted and winded.
Working hard counting carbs and trying to lower my animal protein intake (brutal!)
Can tell where the tumors are larger - the PET explained the discomfort...
Tues appointment with oncologist - we'll see what she says

I was not going to write 'til next week, but so many people have commented, "I don't know how you are getting through this."...so here is a window into my world.  

The news really rocked my world.  I was so sure it was gonna be a good scan that this has pulled the rug out from under me and really tested me. 

In order to survive without crying uncontrollably all day long and to make the time pass, I stay busy.  I plan one fun thing to do each day -- 
It generally involves other people because then I am accountable to put clothes on.  It is was too easy to stay in my pjs and just cry and mope around the house thinking morbid thoughts, like will I get to meet our younger son's children? and how many more trips am I going to be able to make? and other uplifting things like that(sarcasm.)  Having an appointment forces me to get up and wash my face and put on presentable clothes.  Just doing that makes me feel better! 

When my plans for the day fall through, as they did Friday, it is really hard to combat.  I was so sad  and it was as much just general grief over my situation as it was disappointment with not getting to see my friend and not having a plan B.  As I went through the list of friends, trying to think who to call last minute, one was working, one was traveling, one had a death in the family....but God provides and one was available, tho not til dinner time.  In the meantime, there were errands to run.  Stay busy!

At one of my stops, I ran into a friend who is having some health challenges - digestive issues very similar to my own.  As we chatted, we quickly cut through the platitudes and dove deeper into serious questions like, what drink would taste good, stay down and be low carb! (welcome to my world!)  I was in no mood for chit chat, but to be able to share what worked for me and encourage him -to find the products in the store, so he did not have to search all over the store for them (my pet peeve) was such a blessing to me.  Thinking about something besides myself, my aches and pains, care of my body and my grief, by setting myself aside and thinking about him - what would work for his issues - helped me so very, very much.  
When your life is difficult - look for someone to help.  It's the best medicine around!

If you are trying to help someone in my situation, or any rough situation, sending notes, cards, e-mails and texts is a great blessing.  It is better than a phone call, tho those are helpful sometimes also (providing I'm are not crying so hard, I'm  hiccuping)  The reason they are so helpful is that I can re-read them.  I have received some of the most beautiful messages -- and don't worry about saying the right or wrong thing -- most people have said "there are no words - I don't know what to say" and I get that!  Saying you are thinking/praying for me is so helpful.  Scripture is helpful.  Checking in to just make sure I am hanging in there is helpful.  
Well timed messages can make all the difference.  Just before appointments - After appointments -- One friend messages me when she goes to bed.  Sometimes I'm asleep already, but to know that I'm in her thoughts/prayers at the close of the day means so much.  However, be understanding if you do not hear back.  Don't take that as a sign that you are not wanted or appreciated - assume that I'm too tired/weepy/weary/sad to respond with any degree of grace - or that I am taking my own advise and am staying busy!  

When all else fails, I get domestic.  Even though I may have no clue how to get through the week, I do know how to clean a toilet (a friend said that to me during one of her valleys and it stuck)  By focusing on domestic work, it keeps my world calm by being clean and orderly and keeps my hands busy.  The added bonus is that I feel "healthy" that I can do the normal, boring things of every day life that I was unable to do a year ago.  

God gives you grace for what you are going through when you are going through it and not before.....None of this is to show you how great I am!  The whole point of this blog is to give you information so that you are better equipped to help someone else in a tough situation.  The only reason I can get through any day is that your prayers and God's grace carry me!  

By staying busy and praying a lot, I am able to go day by day - to continue fighting this beast!  I hope this is a blessing to someone out there!

Ps 118:17 I will not die but live and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

Jer 17:14 Heal me oh Lord and I will be healed; 
    save me and I will be saved for you are the one that I praise.

Thanks for checkin' in!