More of the same --

emotional roller coaster for last 3 weeks - high peaks, dark valleys
finally over flue - but cold still hanging on
slight weight drop due to diuretic to fight ascites - not worried about it
stopped wearing the hernia belt to see if that helped with discomfort  - it did
stopped laetril for 5 days to see if gut was better - 
     somewhat better, but hesitate to quite such  powerful anti cancer drug
resuming it today...
trying smaller portions to see if that helps discomfort
not walking as much because
hand and foot syndrome acting up :(
napping regularly- sleeping hard

So how am I really???
Sometimes when you don't hear from me, it is because life is rough, but other times it is for happy reasons, like that we are traveling and I am living life and don't have time to write what with maintaining all this silly protocols!  When we travel,  we don't post much because we don't want to advertise that the house is empty - guessing y'all can understand that!

It's easy to write about the good things that are happening: 
- God clearing obstacles
- getting to see Paul, spend great time with Catie and meet her parents
- wedding plans :)
- begin guests of friends and attending the finals at the Grand Paribas Open
- having energy enough to travel and do these things
    So thankful!

It's harder to write and be transparent about the hard things in this journey.
There are  things that keep me clinging tearfully to God's hand and praying that this nightmare ends in health, not heaven--things like:
- mysterious pains in my gut that come and go -
   or that come and don't go
- taking more pain killers again - not a ton, but the trend is there
- realizing that I have not felt really great for 15 months, with the exception of last May
- having underlying pain pretty much all the time - low grade, but annoying and worrisome
   and worrying is not what I am to be doing!
- enduring days where the tears are so close to the surface that a kind word will start a
   weeping binge
- not being able to accomplish simple things because I am too tired 
- realizing that not accomplishing things means more gets dumped on Todd's plate...
   (this is really hard for me as he bears so much)
- struggling with self discipline-
- wondering if I will have the energy to do and enjoy events
- tears that well up from nowhere and won't stop---for hours - 
- the struggle to stay positive and peaceful
- trying not to wonder if I will see people again (tears again)
    you can't help wonder how many more times your going to get to return to someplace
- weariness of fighting this battle
- feet burning from hand and foot syndrome(side effect of xeloda)
- weeping loud and long for what I am missing, and what I may miss
- being sick of thinking about what I can and can't eat
- being sick of the food I have been eating
- going places and missing hot dogs, ice cream, cheesecake, lemonade slushies and junk
    food that I loved
- trying to stay thankful that I can still eat!
- feeling guilty for complaining
- realizing a tumor has grown (less ascites, means clearer palpitation on tummy)
- being overwhelmed with the protocols 
   each new problem that comes up gets a new protocol or pill
- being overwhelmed with decisions/schedules
    old integrative doctor / new doctor?
    Oasis of Hope / new doctor?
    order a small amount of whatever b/c I may quit tolerating it, 
       or order lots cause it's cheaper that way?
    how many appointments can I squeeze in in one day and will they affect each other?
    run a test now or in a month?
    take a vacation from this pill to fell better but risk cancer's spread?

This is not written to make you feel sorry for me - rather to shed light on what a patient (any kind of patient of a debilitating illness) may be going through so that you can be more understanding and help or pray in concrete ways.   I am trying to be a window into a patient's world - hope I am succeeding and you can view those in your circle of influence with more understanding.  

Throughout all this, I have never ever doubted that God can heal me in the blink of an eye. The crux of faith has come in the question, "Will he?"  That leads to the follow up problem that I wrestle with. 
Do I trust enough to surrender to whatever his will is for my life?  
That is a tough one.  It is easy to say yes until I look at the plans I had - 
- like retiring w the love of my life  
- attending grandchildren's baptisms, confirmations, games, performances
- visiting friends again and again
- traveling with friends
- continuing to encourage others in their faith
The realization that my plans may not line up with God's plans is a difficult thing to accept - hence the floods of tears!!!

I continue to cling to God as He is the only way I can survive this mess --
  Mark 9:24 is a continuing prayer -"help my unbelief!"
with the continuous echo - "I trust you Lord" -- even (or especially) when I am struggling with that.  

Thanks for praying for me so faithfully, for being concerned when you don't see a post  --
Thanks for walking this rocky road with us!  Thanks for the books, notes, cards messages and love that y'all send to us!  You bless us over and over with your kinds words and care!  Thank you seems so trite - it is from the heart though!  Thanks for checkin' in!