Pushing on

Writing a blog for you that is worthy of reading takes time.  Generally I write part of it and then over the next several days, I edit, add and polish it to give you something that is worthy of your reading....Part of this blog was written last week in the throws of chemo, and now I am tweaking it during my good week.  The weeks are very, very different and both have their issues.  For instance, while I am feeling better, it is 4 a.m. and I have been up since 2 - part of the steroid whiplash as well as a full moon!  I've taken as much Calms Forte as I should and here I am - already read scripture for 1.5 hours and just cannot sleep.  A few hours down the road will be ugly tho...like an infant - days and nights mixed up -- its great fun --- NOT!  Bad thought patterns are harder to govern during the night also - easier to get depressed....

Often people comment, "You look great - One would never know you are sick!"  This is pretty much true.  Most of the time, whenever you see me, I am pretty normal (well normal might be a stretch!) and pretty strong.  This is an innate defense mechanism against the whole mess.  It is not a wish to be pollyanna or to mislead you.  I am genuinely thrilled to see you and you are a great distraction.  Should you ask me how life is going for me,  at that point, I am very happy to be distracted by you and the truth is that I am a whole lot better than sometimes!  Later, exhaustion may set in, but at the time we are talking, I chose not to think about what may be coming and life really is as good as it gets! 

A candid window into last weeks world --
Part of why I was not writing as much was that some of this is pretty depressing, 
and it never ends.............
There is always something to remind me of what I am battling, whether it is another appointment, whether its my nose that runs continuously or my mouth that burns at anything other than tepid/bland or the sad fact that my muscle tone and stamina is shot...it's always something!  This round of struggling with the depressing stuff started w my friend asking how the heck I dealt with all this - and she was not to be put off by my being so happy to see her...
My standard answer holds true -- God carries me - carries us.  And --
I really do not stop to dwell on it too often because it is just too hard.  
But sometimes it just gets to be too much...............

It's been over a year now - and the chemo is getting more intense.  Not saying it is as bad as any other chemo - just saying it is not pleasant.  Your whole body feels wracked with discomfort - not really pain as in a broken bone or smashing your hand in a door, but very, very uncomfortable.  You try to tough it out, distract yourself, be strong and get stuff done and you just get tired, weary of being strong.  There have been times I just laid in Todd's lap and cried for the misery of it.

I try not to think about how long this is gonna go on, but for life??? really ?? for the rest of my life??
If I don't do chemo, the tumors grow and then I have discomfort from the tumors -- my oncologist says it is one of the most painful cancers....
And yet here I am - I look like I'm fine - 1/3 of the the time I am fine - 1/3 of the time I am just ok, but able to push through with distraction and 1/3 of the time I just want to sleep because that is the most comfortable way to get through it.  Its my life and I am so thankful to still be here - but it is getting old.  I would ask for prayers to have the strength to keep pushing, to be brave and strong, to keep fighting, to keep sleeping through the chemo so I can wake up feeling better, to be ok with not getting things done, to be ok with unfinished projects, to be thankful for the the family time that I do have...to be thankful...

Exhaustion hits at the drop of a hat - I don't get the "gee, I'm getting tired" thing.  It's 90 to nothing in about 5 minutes!  Tough to gauge social outings and how much I really can do. Todd does a great job reading me and helping me avoid the slam of change from energetic to done. It's bone weary exhaustion - lie down and either sleep soundly, or rest so hard that I do not move for an hour even tho my brain may be awake, my body is beyond tired...Its as though my blood has changed to lead and my bones to iron - trapped with my mind wakeful and my body unmoving....the chemo is taking its toll.  They say if the cancer does not kill you, the chemo will...charming thought! 

Hope this window is not too discouraging -- I had been drawing the blinds over it for a long time, but as the chemo gets tougher to manage, I decided to share it with you because  you have been such a blessing - a kind, prayerful, wonderful blessing that has kept us going when nothing else would...God is awesome in his care and concern for us, blessing us as you have been his hands and feet many times - driving, shopping, cleaning, ironing, laundry, just sitting with me or praying for us....
Thanks for listening to me whine...trying hard not to complain too much and to be thankful for the  time I'm ok and the time that I can ignore it....thankful that He is with me in the dark  time that is awful.....

On a happier note, my hair has re grown enough that I could cut and style it! It is still fuzzy, thin and fine and it definitely has its own opinions about how its going to lie (several patches are stubbornly curly and most is more straight and fine so it is a challenge!)   I wore my hair for years like this about 12 years ago, so I am feeling like the hands of time have re-wound.  People don't always recognize me if I go sans wig!  It is a joy to have the option!  

Bottom line - no matter how awful I feel or how discouraged my heart is, I know that God loves me and has a plan that I am just not understanding..."I trust you Lord..." Easy to say - hard to mean! Repetition helps! 

Psalm 118:17 

I will not die but live and

will proclaim what the Lord has done! 

PET scan coming up in a few weeks (they're every 3 mos,)
Steroid mouth wash working pretty well I think
Open mouth sores go away, sensitive mouth tissue never really leaves 
Potassium somewhat low so having to take the huge pills (ack!)
Found a pretty good balance to keep my gut digesting effectively
Struggling w muscle cramps from no use during chemo weeks-then use my off week
Need to walk more and don't have self discipline!!!
Weight holding

Thankful:
Liver levels within normal range
That we are doing pretty well given everything...you are a good distraction! 
For lots of fun company coming to visit
Blessed by the Olu vocal jazz group coming to sing for me!  
    what talented kids - what huge hearts - one of them initiated a prayer at the end of our 
    time together - melt my heart. Love these people! (my concert is posted on Facebook)
For time in the garden
To get a few projects sorta done - baby steps!
That God never fails or leaves me in the pit...that He gives me his strength...

Thanks for all you do - your prayers for us! Thanks for checkin' in!