Perhaps Chemo 10

Chemo 10 tomorrow, Tues the 3rd, I hope
Eyes have gotten drier - cant wear contacts as long and they go out of focus
Cold is still hanging on...
Bloody nose which makes blowing my nose embarassing and tough w a cold
Hot flashes and night sweats from the chemo (happens 2nd week) are uncomfortable
Skin on hands cracking/uncomfortable
     Trying different lotions - thx to those who sent me some
Hair thinning still - seems to slow down on the off week - but the chemo week is awfull!
Drinking Water is still a problem - could not until 11 days after chemo
Looking at wigs and have narrowed it down - will post my new 'do when I get it!
Chemo could be 50/50 tomorrow because of several things:
     Switching insurance, which just took effect
     Calendar error - IV vit C infusion prior to routine blood draw-it may affect numbers adversely
     Cold (which they did not notice last time - hoping that happens again!)
Have not walked as much due to cold and lethargy
Weight holding

We have a week off with no company,  tho the B&B fills up this weekend for a week :) Thankful everyone is willing to help when they come.

A window into one of the things that rattles around in my head when I have nothing else to do - HA!
I am coming to the tough realization that I need to ask for more help.  This is so challenging because I have always been the helper and not the help ee.  This realization has been made clear over the last month as this cold has taken a bunch of time to try and heal from which gave me down time to evaluate life.  Doctor's appointments and treatments take up a lot of time and basically kill one whole week.  The following week is when I cram in cold laser therapy and IV vit C, both of which take several hours.  It is when basic things like cleaning, buying groceries and running errands happen (hopefully) as well as food prep.  Bottom line is that I am not able to do as much of the things that I love - like going to OLu events with Todd,  puttering in the yard, sewing, talking to friends and volunteering.  Having realized that I need help and then putting that realization into action by reaching out to friends is a whole 'nother hurdle. It's that stupid independence thing - I want to be able to do it all!  Not that I was ever able to do that - so i should not balk at asking- right???  Jesus did say, "It is more blessed to give than to receive" in Acts 20:35, but it's hard to be in the receiving role - tho it would be so hard without those loving friends who give!
We are so thankful and blessed by all our friends who step up to help us - especially those who drive me to chemo, sit with me, drive me home and then drive me for my disconnect and hydration.  Those are long days and in some cases long drives and I am so thankful for the people who are willing to help us -- just don't want to wear people out! 

I was further blessed this week with the kindest, most empathetic, wig fitter!  She's so understanding and ordered in 4 more wigs to try and get the color right.  I really liked the very blonde one - made me feel like i'd spent the week on the beach - but everyone said it was just too light and it looked fake.  We tried on lots and lots of wigs- dark, very light - lots of in between and many of them made me look lion like -- I have a small face and a small head (no wise cracks please!) so the volume of hair was simply too much.  I got to learn about the types of wigs (synthetic or real hair; those that have a "scalp" look and those that don't) We tried all different kinds of colors and what happened each time was that I became overwhelmed by the process.  Taking a friend was so helpful because she was able to read my reaction and help me weed out and narrow down options-and voice her opinion!  Waiting to hear from the insurance company if they will pay for the wig- doubtful since they would not pay for my magic mouth wash to fight the blistering - but with a new insurance company "hope springs eternal"!!

This past week I was blessed by friend saying she would send me her scarves!  She also lent a loving, understanding ear since she has lost her hair. It has grown back so cute now - but she had an end date for her chemo...It's different when it is "chemo for life", so no chance to regrow my hair! Her encouragment was wonderful!  She had a wonderful quip for me -
"Chin up so your crown won't slip!"  It was such a sweet reminder that I am a child of the King and I wear his crown of rightousness, so no matter what I am dealing with, she reminded me to keep my chin up - even through the tears - 'cause God does love me!

Rarely do I attend an event by myself anymore - either because I have someone driving me or because Todd and I are attending together.   Sunday, I did attend a concert by myself and it awoke some pretty strong emotion in me.  As some of you know, I can talk about my situation with anyone without becoming too emotional.  The exception to that is talking/thinking about the possibility of Todd having to go it alone, much younger than we anticipated.  This always reduces me to a mess in about 15 seconds.  Well, it gave me insight as to how hard that would be - I was so thankful that the students did such a great job and afterward were so kind and distracted me from all my feelings...which leads me to...

Thankful for 
all your prayers, cause I firmly believe that is what is keeping me here!  We so appreciate it!
my drivers and friends who help me in so many ways
birds - hummingbirds, blue birds finches that all love my fountain!
cucumber mint lemonade - it goes down so much more easily than water!  
hair and wigs and friends that make me laugh
God's promises and his crown of righteousness
lighter weight means my engagement ring fits again (hadn't for years!)
being able to eat well
gigantic spiders that create my "halloween decorations" 
being able to do some chores
the opportunity to talk through other people's problems with them 
     (nice to spend brain cells on something other than cancer!)
friends that treat us to outings - great to laugh together
God being on the throne no matter how much evil there is in the world!  

Thanks for checkin' in!