Flame or Fizzle

Weight low - 103 
    (Please pray I can do chemo tomorrow, Tues, the 13th)
Energy pretty good - up and down, but in longer stretches of time- 
    down right now
Hair falling out :(
Fighting gut discomfort probably from balancing constipation with diarrhea
Food continues to not taste very good-making eating a chore
Only doing a few alternative therapies, as I can
Feeling more decent than not - quite a change from the alternative route...
Grief comes and goes in waves
Walking but only about a mile every day :( gotta get it up higher!
Blessed by so may people's care and concern

So how am I really? 
I am doing really well sometimes- most of the time!  We have had company and I've had pretty good energy.  We ran around and did some stuff, but also came home and rested.  It is hard to realize when I am running out of energy and need to stop, because I feel so good when I am doing well. It is almost like a drug high when I am on, and you would never know I was fighting stage IV cancer - for which I am so thankful!   There is also the stubborn side of me that does not like it when Todd reminds me that my energy may possibly be fading soon....It is wonderful to have several days (like 5 or so) where I feel like myself - as opposed to having 1/2 a day or 1 day the way I did on the alternative therapies.  
The down side of the good energy - I mentioned that it was like a drug high - is that when I finally do crash, it is a several day, hard crash.  This entails long naps, being grumpy and uncomfortable and fighting grief.  All in all, it's worth the fun I had, but it is hard to deal with the crash.  

My hair is falling out at a greater rate than it did with the Folfox.  Then it thinned, but never really got very bad.  With Folfiri, I have lost about 1/2 my hair already.  This time, I have the shock of the sink full of hair - or the brush full of hair which did not really happen last time. 
I cannot tell If there are bald patches yet, but unless this really slows drastically, I may be twins with Todd - lol!  
Trying to decide if I should cut my hair short or just wait and see.  
My eyebrows are pretty much gone, and I figured out from Dr Google that my runny nose is because all the hair in my nose is gone - Isn't that special??? It makes allergy season an additional challenge! 4 brushfulls a day, plus all the hair on the floor and in my car and in my sink have made me sad.  After the last round of chemo, my hair came back 2 x as thick as it ever was.  It was prettier than it ever had been, so this is an added injury.  Additionally, they told me that my hair would just thin a little bit.....  The "comfort" they offer is that it will grow back when the chemo is finished --- but what if you are on it for life??? Makes me sad...

In addition, I though that with being peaceful and thankful, there would not be the waves of grief. Wrong!  Yesterday, while playing in the dirt (yes, Todd helped again!  2 times in a year!!! very exciting!) several times, I burst into tears for no apparent reason.  The other night I woke myself up crying.  So weird, as this is not really normal for me...but then again, life is not really normal.  At times like these, I go back to my home base- scripture.  I recite as much as possible and then talk to God in between handkerchiefs.  This seems to quiet me a bit, but dealing with these waves of grief combined with deep tiredness is wearing.   I am so thankful that God is there to share the garden tears and the midnight wakefulness and tears... 

Ps 30:5 Your weeping may remain for the night, but joy comes in the morning!

Ps 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  

I continue to be amazed by the kind words, care and love shown me by people that I had no idea knew what I was dealing with or cared about my struggle.   
Orange Lutheran has a thrift shop and I love to go take care of the books -- used to be all the books, but now just am doing children's books.  While I did all the books, I made friends with many of the regular shoppers.  Since I have not been working on that side, I have missed seeing many of them.  Today as I was checking out a box of books for our grand daughter, one of my regulars whom I just know as John, came around the corner and we had a nice conversation -- I told him why I was not in every day anymore and he was shocked.  Besides carrying my box of books out to the car for me, he asked if there was anything he and his wife could do to help me....It brings tears of humility and thankfulness.  Who am I that he would care and offer to help me?  I am amazed!  He barely knows me!  
When several of the students have come in to the thrift shop to work, they have commented on my chapel talk - again - I did not even know they knew who I was!  
Saturday evening, we were guests at a fundraising wine pairing.  One of the attending couples had bought our tickets so that we could be there!  How thoughtful and kind!  
Then, the hostess told me that they had gluten free entrees!  She certainly went the extra mile to make it easy for me to attend!  
Then as we were saying goodbye, one of the girls we were eating dinner with, that I thought did not know of my struggle, gave me a hug and told me how encouraged she was by my blog....and I had no idea she even knew!  

When I don't get it - I need to remember Is 55:8 
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord!
and 
Is 49:15-16 I will not forget you Christine!  
    See I have engraved you on the palms of my hands!
and
1 John 4:16  You can know and depend on the love I have for you!

When doubt and fear creep in, I need to praise and thank God for his goodness--

Praise be to the Lord, my Rock, 
    who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle.  
He is my loving God and my fortress, 
    my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield in who I take refuge...  Ps 144:1-2 

The Lord is my light and my salvation -
   whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life - 
of whom shall I be afraid? -- Ps 27:1

What then shall we say in response to these things?  
    If God is for us, who can be against us?    Ro 8:31 

Keep "my eyes fixed on you,  sovereign Lord"  Ps 141:8

Thanks for continuing to check in on us in this long journey!  You are a blessing to us!